To a better 2009

I'll raise a glass of something (beer, eggnog, wine, water) to us all tonight. Albeit before midnight. I'm hoping for a better 2009 for all of us.

This last year I was mired in my grief. I didn't do anything to help myself physically. I gained weight while I was pregnant and I kept in on after I lost William. I plan on losing weight this year. Is that a resolution? No, it's a promise I'd like to keep to myself. I started smoking again after I lost William. I'd like to promise myself that I will quit that nasty habit too. So what are my resolutions? I can't say that I truly have any. Maybe one could or should be that I resolve to clean my house every week. I resolve to organize my life. Ok, so that's 2. Maybe those are the two that I know I can stick to. I would like to resolve to be a kinder person, one who cares more about others than myself. To be honest, there's a part of me who wants to care more about me than anyone else. I can't say that I have ever done that one for myself.

I'm co-dependent, others problems are so much easier for me...they don't affect me directly and I can say a lot of things to help others. I never, well, almost never take my own advice. Maybe I should learn to do that this next year.

So, instead of resolutions tonight I will make wishes. I have a lot of wishes for 2009. I'll start the list here and now. Maybe by writing it down, I will feel like they may very well be granted.

Wish List for 2009
1. To find peace
2. For all of us to have happy, healthy lives and babies (happy, healthy ones)in this coming year!
3. For someone to find a cure for ALL cancers!
4. For us all to live long lives plus see number 2!
5. To reconnect with family and friends that I have pushed away in the last year.
6. To spend more time with my Gram!
7. For world peace!(Yes, that sounds like a Play.boy Play.mate answer but it's true!)
8. For Shan and I to get married.
9. For a couple of vacations this year (Didn't take a single one last year and really need a couple this year!)
10. To pay off all debt...yes this would require winning the Powe.rba.ll but hey, a girl can dream and this is a wish list!

So, tell me what are your resolutions or your wishes for 2009?

ETA: I edited this for the stupid spelling errors I made! Sorry!

Post three of three with explanation!

Now my order may be all messed up but, I'm sure you can get the idea! Brent wrote a wonderful letter to go with his balloon, Libby drew pictures and you see the front of the invite and the balloons before release in post 1. Post two contains Becky's letter(heartfelt and heart touching, not aching), a snowflake that Grammi sent to William (one that she made), Shan and the kids walking to release the balloons, the balloons released and the piece of cake that we have for William! Post 3, this post contains, a picture my sister and her husband gave us, the t-shirt Brent made for me with a hawk on it and Williams name, and the tree with the lights on.

I neglected to get pictures of all of our outside lights last night. To be honest, I was exhausted! The day went off without a hitch and William's Godparents even came over to join us for the entire celebration. Shan and I were both pleased with all that went on. Yes, I sent a letter to heaven from Shan and I but that one we'll keep to ourselves.

Thank you all for all of your support and well wishes and Birthday wishes to William. I just know he heard you all!

Post two of three in pictures

Post one of three in letters and pictures

Happy Birthday, William!

Mommy and Daddy love you and hope you are jumping on clouds, laughing and playing!

Thank you for waking me up at 4:14 am today, I know you came by to say hello, I appreciate that. I woke up in tears because you are not here physically but I do feel you with me today.

You have so many caring loving people here on earth that miss you. They have all done such wonderful things for you on this day, and for us too. T., Shaina and Peter all released balloons for you this morning. Grammi made a donation to March of Dimes. Shaina and Peter donated a toy to Toys for Tots in honor of you. Jodi wrote you a Happy Birthday email and sent her thoughts to Mommy and Daddy.

Later today, Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Pappa, Aunt B., Uncle M., B and L., Grandpa Wayne, Aunt Tracy and Uncle Jas will be releasing balloons to heaven for you. Grandpa B and Angie will release balloons in the Caymans for you today also. Mommy is working on cleaning the house and finishing up your cake.

It's been a rough day but with all of the love and support from friends and family I know we will all get through it. We love you and miss you little one.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet baby boy!

(I will post pictures of everything later this weekend. Our Christmas lights will go on outside and on the tree inside this evening after dark. We will be releasing balloons around 4:30 our time. Please join us in thought as we have our cake this evening. Thank you all for all of your support!)

Today, I am.

I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.

Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.

The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.

I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.

We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.

I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.

More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.

Give me a break!

No, not only do I get the stress er, um, sadness of dealing with the loss of William. I am dealing with being semi-crippled and Wayne, stars chemo Monday. Yeah for me! I want a place like THIS to go to! Anyone know of a place in my area as I can't afford to go to Cali right now! Actually, I'd like to open one of my own!

Yes, this all sucks but many things we can get through with a little help from our friends, I will be leaning on you all a lot more coming up here soon! In advance, thank you for your support and ears, well, eyes!

Mixed emotions.

For William’s first birthday we have decided to make it a celebration and we have a new way to honor our son. Being as it’s the Christmas season and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it pass us by, our new tradition will be to flip the switch on our Christmas lights on his birthday.
Today I am working on my invitations for his birthday. We are inviting only our family. The kids (My niece and nephew) will join us. We are going to release some balloons and then have pizza for dinner, what else would you serve kids?! Then, when it gets dark we’ll flip the switch on the Christmas lights and wish our son a happy birthday.
It’s going to be a rough week. I know this I’m not prepared! I don’t think you can be prepared for the flood of emotion that comes your way. This week started out in a rough manner. It’s the last couple of weeks that I will be able to say, “this time last year, I was happy. I knew not of the terror that was coming my way. Our son was still with us.” This time last year I was looking forward to the gifts we’d receive for William. Even though he wasn’t going to be here yet, I knew some people were getting us things for him. Christmas last year was hard. I tried, I tried to be upbeat, but I was still in shock that we’d lost William.
I broke down last night, I want to be happy, and I’m tired of being mired down in grief. Yet in the same respects, I am feeling a sense of peace. I know and feel that William is in heaven. He has a lot of friends and family to keep him safe and warm and I know he knows how much we love him and miss him. The peace I feel also comes from the fact that I am still here, almost a year after losing our beautiful boy, I am still here. I get up, I do things, and I even on occasion feel alive. I owe all of this to my family and friends.
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Yesterday, my friend S. called, she wanted me to write down a license plate number of a car that was scaring her as she was walking. I did, I stayed on the phone with her and she said, there’s a hawk that’s following us also. I just started giggling; I knew she’d be fine, the hawk, the hawk, was William, watching after my dear friend. I told her she’d be fine, I told her the hawk was William! She told me to tell him to stop scaring the s*** out of her. I laughed more, I have no control, he does what he pleases and he was looking out for her!
I shared this story with my Mom and as soon as I said hawk, her voice quivered and she said, “She was fine, William was there!” Yes, indeed he was!

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Tomorrow night is the candle lighting for my support group. My friend T., will be there with her new baby, Drew (a girl!). I will ask to hold her, she will be the first baby I will hold since holding my tiny perfect son in my arms just shy of a year ago. It will be hard for me, and for her, but she understands my anxiety and joy mixed together. I can't wait to meet Drew, to hold her and hear her and smell her. Wish me luck, please, I don't want to freak out!
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I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your posts, I’m in my own world this week and next, I hope to have some more energy to read and write to you all. I wish you all the best of holidays you can possibly have but most of all I wish you PEACE and LOVE!

Thanks for...

EVERYTHING, for being my family and my friends. Yes, family can be friends too! This is for my Mom and my Sis. We truly do enjoy each others company and it was well reinforced a couple of weekends ago.

My sister, had scheduled with us a weekend away from our homes to spend with her at hers and do some things but it was kept quiet. We knew not what we were going to be doing. Only that we had to be at her place at 7pm on Friday to start the weekend.

We arrived to a wonderful shrimp cocktail (fresh avacodos, fresh tomatoes, a sauce mixed with shrimp in a beautiful wine glass), a cream cheese dip and crackers, of which I ate much. Then dinner arrived. We had placed our orders and she had sandwhiches delivered for us. She then gave us gifts:

The most wonderful blanket, scarf, and slippers!

We watched a movie, "No Reservations," played "Outburst" and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning, talking and playing! It was like being a teenager all over again!

Saturday we woke up a little late but, we didn't have a schedule to follow so it was all good! We had gingerbread bagels, coffee, and juice for breakfast and then we got dressed. We went to the Kemper Museum of Art, then to Crown Center to the Holiday store for a bit of shopping. At this point it was nap time, remember we're not teenagers anymore and 2:30 am can wear on you! So we stopped by here, for some coffee and went home for a bit for a nap.

After our mini nap we went and had this done:


After our fabulous Pedi's and wearing our air-like slippers we were served the most spectacular cheese soup in bread bowl and salad...my sister is a fabulous hostess!

While we ate we watched "The Ultimate Gift," a tear jerker to say the least and the symbolism at the end, WOW! We played scrabble and talked some more but this time we went to bed at an earlier time!

Sunday, we awoke, had fruit and orange rolls for breakfast and then we went here

It was a fabulous weekend with those I love! Thank you a million times over! I love you both!

Words cannot express....

Thank you, names in the sand!

Tiny pieces of me

We do this volunteer thing once a year, Shan and I. It's usually a lot of fun. We cook hot dogs and serve chili and talk to kids who are all dressed up for Halloween. It's Ghost Story night in the Nature Sanctuary. The high school kids make the scary trail and you hear screams of terror as people walk through on their way to the cabin for stories and hot chocolate. It's generally full of laughter and fun. This time last year I was four and a half months pregnant.

This time last year, I had pain shooting through my legs I stood too long. I had been serving, standing, talking, and freezing in the misty rain. When I arrived home, I couldn't move my legs. I sat in bed and thought, "isn't this great, now, not only am I pregnant, happily mind you, but I can't walk to go pee!" I wondered what was wrong. I asked the doctors, their reply was to say, nothing, nothing was wrong. Now, I think maybe sciatic pain, pinched nerve, hell, I don't know. It could have been anything. Anyhow, all of these memories of last year rushed back in and then, as if falling from the sky, I received another piece of me...I received pictures. Yes pictures of me serving at Ghost stories.

You see, I only have or should I say, had, yes, I only had two pictures of me with William while pregnant. Now, I have some more, no, you cannot truly tell that I am pregnant as you cannot see my belly that well. Yet the same it's another memory that I am grateful someone caught on film. So, thank you to Mr. Smith for catching me with our son on film.


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I'm not sure why but lately, Lydia comes to mind. She was our nurse, or one of them that day, William's day. She had a heart of gold and tears to match. She will never know what a blessing she was to us that day, all the days to follow the rest of my life. .

My mind wanders, it thinks of the kindness of others. Lydia is kindness. That fateful day, the words she spoke, to William as she took him out of the room. The words she spoke. They resonate this day, "come on peanut, we'll be back." Yes, back they came but what she gave to me that day with those words was humanity. She truly had a compassion that I had never seen before. She treated William as though he were any baby she had helped to deliver. She never made me feel like a failure for not being able to keep him safe.

I haven't talked to her in a little over ten months time. I need to talk to her. To see how she is. I hope she remembers us, as we will always remember her.

Today, there is a tiny piece of me breaking away, that hardness that I once felt toward others. You know the happy ones, the ones that never had a problem. The planners in life that get to follow the plan. It's not their fault they have never been touched by this doom and gloom. Hell it's not our faults either. As Shan likes so much to remind me as I am crippled. Shit happens. Well, yes, my dear it sure does. Some of us, however, do not need this much shit in one lifetime.

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I sat outside the other day. The air was cold and crisp. The dates seemed familiar, yet not at the same time. At the end November of 2002, I was separated from my husband. I had moved out. I was preparing for a trip to NY to see a dear friend. Things were actually all right. I was going to NY and when I came back getting my own apartment. My very own apartment! December came and I went to NY, I came back and lived in my apartment for approximately one month.

January 13, 2003, I was working and I went outside with friends for a smoke break. We talked of the snow falling and how many fractures there would be that day. We walked back in and wouldn't you know it, I was the first fracture of the day. I slid in a puddle of water with shoe covers on. I went down like a ton of bricks. I broke my left wrist and dislocated my left patella that day. I was laid up for 2 months. I couldn't drive for almost 3 months.

I had to stay with friends for those three months. One of which is Shan! I don't remember those three months being as torturous as these two months have been. Maybe that would be due to the fact that I was loaded on hydro for two straight months! Maybe it was because I couldn't move, couldn't lift my left arm or move my left leg. I was truly crippled then.

What did I gain from this "flashback?" Well, let's see, I gained the knowledge that yes, I can and will get through this. It won't have a lasting impact that wears me down consistently for days or years to come. I will move forward from this. This is something I can get over! Sad as that is that is a nice feeling. Something, I will get over!
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I'm hoping that as I travel the road of grief, I gain more good pieces of myself, more memories, more love, more compassion. I know as my days pass and my friendships grow, I find more things I never knew I had in me. There are too many things to list but I find tiny pieces of me, starting to grow. There are the crumbled pieces of me starting to come together the old me moving ahead with the new me. I hope I can keep moving forward. I know I'll have my set backs, it's all right, I know now, I can get through them with a little help from my friends.

To our Vets,

THANK YOU!

Blah...

That’s kind of how I feel today. I have the onset of a cold, which I do believe I can thank Big Daddy Wayne for. Turns out he has pneumonia and is heading to the hospital as I write this. I would have gone but think I’m already getting the cold that spawned his pneumonia!

Yes, that’s right Wayne’s sick. I’m hoping he doesn’t have to spend too much time in the hospital as getting around is still a slow moving task for me. I do like to see him every day, especially when he’s in the hospital. I don’t like him to be alone. Of course, the nurses usually keep him company and make him laugh so that’s a good thing!

I’m heading out to my sixth PT session later today. Yeah for me! They want me to stand without my brace on my leg. Sure, that’s going to happen. This chic isn’t up for the task. I’m not truly too happy about the slow moving process this is. I’d like to get back out in the public eye.

It seems as though the more I sit at home the more resentment I acquire for certain persons. I will not mention names but truly find it disheartening to feel this way. I’m usually upbeat and happy-go-lucky. Not lately, not at all! I need to get out on my own…away from it all.

Do you all have any suggestions on how to relieve boredom? How to find happiness when sitting at home with a swollen knee? How to talk to others when all you want to do is yell at them? Help a woman out here…what do you think?

A little hope.

Today, I picked up the phone and called the hospital. T. had gone in on the 4th to be induced. 37 weeks was long enough and they scheduled the induction a long time ago. She answered in a tired voice and I asked, "So, are you all, all right?" "Yes,” she said and the dialogue began. We have a girl, born yesterday, I'm tired and she's under the lights. I was scared, it was scary, she said. Her heartbeat kept dropping, my water broke, they were pushing fluid back in. They thought maybe it was a cord issue and the cord needed fluid around it to move. I finally dilated and it was quick once that happened. I asked although I already knew, "what's her name?" "Drew," she said. Tears flowed freely down my face. I tried to keep the upbeat voice I knew she needed to hear. "Congratulations, T., I am really happy for you, really!" T. Has had the hard struggle we have. Her only full term child, Andrew, was born still last year. Now, his sister will carry his name, of sorts!

I told T., I knew she needed rest, I would be talking to her soon as I need a measurement so as to send her a gift. She doesn't read this so I can say; I ordered a sling, from Hip Melon. I ordered the Carry On My Wayward Son sling. I figure, this is a gift of many sorts, it is a reminder of Andrew, it's for Drew to be carried in as though her brother were carrying her and it's a gift for T. who knows what our path is like. Anyhow, I hung up the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for 3 minutes and then I sighed a sigh of relief. I didn't know how stressful it could be to wait for someone else’s child to come into the world.

Welcome, Drew to this new world, your siblings that are here with you will take good care of you along with of course your parents. Your brother in Heaven will walk you through life and help guide you. I am so happy you made it, so very happy, I cannot wait to meet you!

Breakdown

I WANT MY SON! I want to spend the holiday, the one I used to love, Halloween with him. I want to dress him up in one of the cute outfits that Wayne got him last year. I want to take him out and about and show him off.

I can’t he’s not here. Tears are here and anger and complete frustration at what tomorrow truly holds for me. How the hell can Halloween be sad? By not having your child with you, that’s how.

Tul.sa, O.klaho.ma Connection

Looking for anyone in the Tu.lsa, O.K. area to support another stillbirth Mom. Need a support group or a face to face for support. Please, let me know if you can help! Thank you!

You rock my world

That's the first thing I must say. Thank you to those of you who signed the guest book for Jo.sel.yn. I truly aprreciate knowing that you all care for those who are just joining our club. I hope that her Mom and Dad find the IRL support that they need.

So, now, on to me! Yeah, I know, it's all about me, all the time! So, I've been sitting on my duff or laying on my back and no, not having fun, for let's see 23 days. I'm tired of being stuck at my house, not driving, watching t.v., not walking like a normal person! I have true empathy for those on bed rest. It sucks! I do however think at this point, I could write a list of all of the things you need to prepare for incase you go on bed rest for any reason! I no longer envy people that get to stay at home, I want to go out in the world, I want to see people. I miss people, I miss driving and I miss my own personal road rage! Oh, and did I mention, my house is a mess and I can't clean it?!

I know, this is a problem that is fixable, unlike my "problem" from over 10 months ago. No, William, was not a problem, but you know what I mean. This, the knee is something that will heal over time. My heart, I don't think it will ever mend.

Working up to the one year, um, anniversary, birthday, um, what do you call it? I think I'll stick with birthday. Yes, birthday will do. It's stressful, what should I do, what will I be able to do? Will, I be a whole, normal walking person by then? Because, if I am, I think, I will have a cake and a mini-party to celebrate the light of my life that is not here. I would love to have a big beautiful cake made, is that sad? I would have loved to have his 1st birthday party with him here. So, I guess I will have a party on a smaller scale without him here.

So, tell me if you've already been there, what did you do for the one year? If you haven't been there yet and are working up to it what are your plans?

Favor

A family that lives in my neck of the woods, lost their daughter last week. It seems as though I am the only one so far to sign the guest book. No, I do not know the family. Just the same my heart aches for them. Would you go over and sign the guest book, let them know how many of us are out here? Let them know that we all care, have been there and are here if they need support! Thank you all for your assistance and support, please follow the link: Jo.sely.n. If it won't let you view, please let me know in the comments. Thanks! Amy

A wave of light...we remember, we will always remember.

Thanks to C., I have borrowed the picture for today. October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. Please, join us where ever you are and give the wave of light tonight.

Thinking of you all today and wishing our little ones were here.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action

Taken from the lovely, Antigone. Because, we all have a story and it's important that our stories be told and our children remembered.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Three in one...

So I thought I would share three things in one post. The 3rd being a question that relates to the second thing!
# 1 being, I dislocated my knee on the first of the month. No, it's not something new to me, I have done this before, I have had the problem with both knees since my early teens. Yeah, for me, the older you get the harder it is to recover! I am essentially on bed rest. I cannot drive for 3 more weeks and I am not happy! I have too much to do this month!

Yes, there is a knee on the right and yes, my legs really are that big!!

So on to # 2:
We had a Walk to Remember yesterday. It was healing and sad but well worth the pain and the sit in the wheel chair! Yes, I had to sit for 2 hours as I couldn't stand on my bum knee!

William's Balloons, released by Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Aunt B, B & L.

Our T-shirts, I love seeing his name in print!




Now, on to #3! Shan and I were talking after the walk yesterday and we both thought it would be cool if everytime a balloon was released in memory of our children there was a website people could log on to to read the story of that child and publish a comment as to where the balloon ended up. Sort of like tracing the steps our children take even though they are not here. So what do you all think of that? It is going to be a project for me, my way of knowing that William touches other people's hearts. So what do you think? Is this a good idea and is it someithing you would be interested in doing? You know, writing a post about your child and then getting comments on where your balloons are found? Let me know!

9 months

My dearest William,

Mommy wishes so much that you were here to celebrate this huge marker with. I miss you more than words can possibly begin to say. The last nine months have been so hard and yet, at the same time, so rewarding. I have met many miraculous women that have walked in my shoes. I don't like that I have met them for this reason but I am more grateful everyday to know them.

Daddy and I have gone through our ups and downs and as for giving you a brother or sister, well, that has yet to be decided on just one side of the fence. Mommy is ready. Another child will NEVER replace you, my dear son. You will always hold a very special place in my heart and soul. You are the one that got away. I realized the other day, when you were still here with me, living inside of me, I had asked Grammi, How will I ever let him go? How will I be strong enough to let him grow up? How will I trust that he'll choose the right things in life? Grammi said, you'll learn and one day you just will. Well, I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now, I had to let you go a whole lot earlier than my head was even allowing for and my heart, oh, my dear child, my heart still doesn't want to let you go. I don't think it ever will.

More than the sun and the moon and the stars, we love you Sweet William.
Mommy and Daddy

Nine- Eleven

I've said those numbers so many times in my life. You see, my birthday is nine- eleven, nineteen-seventy-four. They roll off my tongue. Yes, today supposedly, I am another year older. Although if you ask me in person, especially today I will tell you that I am twenty-seven. Every year on this day I tell people I am twenty-seven. In 2001 I decided I no longer had to celebrate a birthday. I mean really, who wants a birthday with such a crappy conotation behind it? Not me! Then again, who the hell can forget my birthday? They may not no how old I really am, but they know when to wish me happy birthday! So, happy birthday to me!

I've had a lot of ups and downs since I last posted. We're on the ttc train again. I think I'm excited. Honestly, I don't know where my feelings are these days.

I am sorry, I haven't checked in on any of you, I hope you are all doing well. I just found it easier to stay away, it made it easier for me to function IRL.

Truly, nothing new here...nine months, William's nine month anniversary is two days away. I have mixed emotions about this also. It'll be alright though. I mean, really, I've survived this long and no one thought I would, including myself!

You all take care and thanks to all of you for checking in on me for the last month plus! I truly appreciate it!

Checkin' out because I just can't handle checking in!

This is how I feel right now. I started this blog seven months ago to track and to purge my feelings. I'm on a so-so track right now about the loss of William. I miss him dearly, I always will.

It's not that I don't appreciate the support here. It's that I am feeling a bit tongue tied and twisted and to be honest, jealous. I just can't handle another pregnancy, if it's not mine. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel. I don't mean it to. It cuts like a knife though and I just can't handle the pain anymore.

I may run off like a dog with it's tail between it's legs only to come back begging for support but, today, I'm checking out. I will more than likely lurk, when energy allows me to. I do not believe I will comment though. I'm a bit redundant now days and a bit selfish too.

I know, I've done this before, left and come back. I'm sure I will be back around the nine month mark, I'll come back screaming. In the meantime, could you all do me a favor though? Please, don't forget about our William. Please, don't forget about me. I need to know that you will be here when I need you even though, I'm not here for you all right now...see, I told you I'm selfish!

To those of you that are pregnant, Congratulations (softly or loudly, however you want it!), I'm wishing for you all only the best. For the rest of us in this rut, you know what I always say, I'm wishing you all peace in this journey and some hope. Hope that someday we can join the subsequent pregnancy spot along this blog roll. Good luck to you all and much, much love. Over and out, stick a fork in me for now, I am done.

Because I could use a little fun! Maybe, we all could!

I'm a Mercedes SLK!

You appreciate the finer things in life. You have a split personality - wild or conservative, depending on your mood. Wherever you go, you like to travel first class. Luxury, style, and fun - who could ask for more?

Take the http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

So, tell me what car are you?

He

Is more than a friend. He's our roommate. A seventy something, Santa Claus look a like. He's funny and caring, has a good sense of humor, loves to argue and most of all is our adopted DAD! He's Big Daddy Wayne. He too was looking forward to William being here even bought him clothes and Halloween costumes.

Today, we found out the worst possible news. It's either Hospice or Chemo we're told. Chemo is the choice he's made. It's going to make him sick, very, very sick.

My heart is sore, it's had one loss that I never thought I'd survive and now this. Now, my dear, sweet, lovable friend is going to face the fight of his life, literally.

I will try to keep updates going and to say the least the baby making front is on HOLD. For good reason. We will be taking care of Big Daddy as he goes through his treatments.

I am hoping that Big Daddy won't be joining William too soon. I do however know that when he gets there William will be spoiled rotten by him.

Please be thinking of us as we need all of the thoughts and prayers we can get at this time. Much love and peace to you all.

Hello again my friends, hello!

It's been a while and I sure have missed your smiles! Or tears, or whatever there may have been while I was away. I just missed you all!

I have so much going on right now. The last couple of weeks have been decent. I have had one pretty bad day and the rest have truly been the roller coaster of this "new" life.

We had our first steam show, you can see pictures and what it's all about at http://www.wmatma.org/, it was a nice show and we had fun with our friends. They allowed me to talk about William without judgement and they even purchased a rock for William's garden for us. It is beautiful (I'm too lazy to take a picture and post it!) It has a dove and two crosses on it (carved in it of course!)

I went to the lake with a friend the other day and swam and talked and got fried! When will I ever learn that they created sun screen for a reason? Maybe someday!

I have been keeping up with your posts I just haven't had the heart to comment on many of them. So, here's my response to what I have read.

Shaina,
I know it's been a rough time for you and I am so incredibly sorry that I can't be there to hold your hand throughout all of this. Grace is always in my thoughts and prayers.

My friend, Aunt Becky,
I know you will be alright. I know this ickle will stick. I just wish that you knew that too!

Antigone,
My heart aches for you and you know this. My thoughts are with you and the little bean. It's all good. You'll be all good and just fine when the time comes for the little one to come into this world. You'll make an excellent Mommy!

Ange,
Congratulations! Wow, what an exciting and scary time in your life. I'm very happy for you and this new "little" one! I am sure that all will be just fine!

Janistan,
I am sorry about your mother, I too hope she wins the fight of her life. Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease that rears it's head when it wants to. I am hoping and wishing the best for her even though your relationship with her has been difficult, I know this (cancer) is something we wish on no one we love and care about.

Julia,
I do believe I posted this on your June 14th post but again, THANK YOU for remembering my dear sweet William. It means so very much to me. I have catching up to do on your blog and promise to do so soon!

Isn't it Pretty,
A bowl of cherries our vagina's are not! If they were none of us would have these problems but I do love the mistake as it is sooo something I would do! And to friends, like the one who gave the "correct" response, CHEERS! Big cheers to her!

Becky,
I am thinking of you and glad that you graduated from IC! Sounds like a major feat! And yes, all will be good and fine! Lily will be fine!

Little miss Hopeful,
I wish the days weren't so dark and the nights were full of sleep and that your tummy was full of food and your heart not so strained. I wish many things for you but for today I will wish you peace.

Rosalind,
Our brains, what a miraculous part of our body that allow us to never forget! Occasionaly, it serves as a reminder of what we don't have and the reasons as to why or the lack of reasoning. We may not get the answers and NO your thinking had nothing to do with the loss of Micah. I too feel that the things I said, made William not want to stay with us. But, I have come to realize that this is just not true. I hope you find some peace in the near future and that these thoughts don't weigh you down too much.

Mr. and Mrs. Spit,
I think of you both and Gabriel often. I hope you know that your words speak to my heart. I hope you know that I was thinking of you both on your anniversary even though I didn't write. I will say too that I hope you get the opportunity to be parents to a child here on earth because, I KNOW you would make fabulous parents! You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

CDE and STE,
I don't know where to begin. I'm glad that alcohol hasn't taken over your lives and that there is a smidge of "normalcy" if you will. I am also so incredibly sorry for all that you STE, are going through. This is most definitely not a path lined with roses. The dust and clouds take over and clamp down on your heart and soul. I also know the ones closest to us can sweep away the dust and let some light into our souls, let C., hold you close and hold him too. You need each other. Feel free to block the rest of the world out just never, never block one another out.

Yummy,
I can't believe that it's been eight months. I know that Aodin is in a safe place. I know he is playing with William. I know that you are a good Mommy. I know you are a good Mommy, because no parent would want their child to suffer what Aodin would have had to suffer to stay here on earth. Big hugs my friend big hugs.

Katie,
It's hard not to have anxiety when you have gone through all that you have to get to where you are. Your little man will come out on the good side of things. I just know it! Hang in there! And as for the friendly skies, don't fly airlines that don't understand HIGH RISK pregnancy, maybe they should be told that pregnancy doesn't come easily for EVERYONE, what butt holes!

Beth,
Cute tummy! Thank you for staying in touch with my blog. I don't know that if I were in your shoes that I would be so brave. I think you will make and incredibly compassionate, caring, loving Mommy!

C.,
I do not know how you handled the butterfly thing. I would have been a big huge, screaming, blubbering mess! The natural food chain is not for me. I can't watch any of it, ever, not even on t.v.! As for K., what a sweet child you have, I do hope that you get more conversations with her in the future.


Coggy,
I do hope that your consultants appointment goes well. I am sorry about the whole midwife appointment. I can't imagine, I am sure it is difficult to be in your shoes. I'm thinking of you though!

Kalak.ly,
Happy belated birthday to C.! That was an amazingly beautiful post. Now, on to your post prior...my hope is that you will relax a bit and that this time will be different from last time. With all my heart I hope only good for you!

To anyone that I may have inadvertently left out, You are in my thoughts and prayers, each and everyone of you. Anyone on Mel's wonderful blog list is always in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is full of hope that each and everyone of us gets the chance to be parents to a child here on earth. My soul is full of hope that we all can teach others what, IF, pregnancy loss, neonatal loss is all about and how to "deal" with us in the correct way.

Now, I am going to ask for a favor, there is a little girl who needs some prayers. She is fighting the good fight to kick cancer's butt! If you'd like to know more about her you can read about her here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilyclevenger . I do not know her personally but have attended fundraising events for her here in the city. I know her family is extremely grateful for any prayers they can get!

I am going to be away for another week. This time, I won't have the chance to check in. We are going for a family reunion on Shan's side. Of course, we'll be missing one. That would be our sweet William. He will be there in spirit but not physically. I will have a difficult time being there without him but I will, we will, get by. After the family reunion it's time for me to spend some time with my Niece and Nephew and my Mom, Sister, and Papa (Mom's fiance). We're going to a cabin to enjoy some family time at a lake! I can't wait!

You all take care and look to the stars for that is where our children are! Big hugs to all of you and wishing you much peace!

God bless America and all that's good and holy!

This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!

Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!

I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.

With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.

I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.

ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!

Anger

I am angry today. This is how my day started :

I arrive at the hospital after my 50 minute drive. I walk in to go change clothes and L, one of the scrub techs is rushing out the door, "I'm leaving, I'll be alright but I have to go." I ask her if she's really is alright and she says, "T., my husband just called and the baby (this is her grandchild)stopped breathing." My heart lurched and then I took a sigh. "My thoughts are with you." I said as she ran out the door. I went about my business and did my first case, in Out Patient Clinic. I came back, spoke to anesthesia to see what the hold up was and this was his reply, "L's grand daughter past away." "What, I knew she stopped breathing but, what?" "Yeah, there at her house." My heart lurched again, and I wanted to slap myself, how the fuck can the cup be half full all the time? I'm thinking my optimism needs to be stomped on! I thought as she left that everything would be just fine. The tears started rolling and another lady came to hug me, all I could say is, "God, NO, not another one!" T, the grand daughter was just past one year old. My thoughts and prayers go to this family today and for the rest of their lives. This journey is not an easy one and it's most definitely not one I wish on even my darkest enemy. L, I'm here if you need me or want me.

The anger is here now, good thing for counseling, I have an appointment this afternoon. If I could have stopped the world this morning I would have. It seems so inappropriate that the world keeps moving when we lose a child. I think I'll let the anger hang out awhile. I don't think it's so bad to be angry for another persons sake and for my own!

Muddled musings

This weekend was productive. I planted the rest of my Sweet William plants, did my laundry and had a one on one support/meeting with a dear friend who is working on starting an advocacy group here but that will extend nationwide and hopefully internationally eventually. She is a very knowledgeable lady whose son was stillborn in 1978. She has been working with the MISS foundation, working on the Missing Angels Act (Certificates of Birth resulting in Stillbirth). They finally got it passed in OK; it should be in effect in November of this year. Yeah! After 30 years she can finally get a Birth Certificate resulting in Stillbirth for her son. I can’t wait for that day. I think it will be a big huge party. I was saddened to learn of C’s bad fortune in Canada. I spoke with my friend and she said that the governmental departments seem to have made it so they feel that they are doing the right thing. When in all actuality they have done nothing to recognize a child of stillbirth. C., I am so incredibly sorry and will be working on fighting your government for the rights to this very important document. If this a fight you have chosen let me know and I will do whatever I can to help.
Shan and I had an awkward moment when discussing TTC. I am ready any time I told him and he said he doesn’t think he can survive that again. Meaning, he cannot survive another loss. I am hoping that we won’t have to try to survive another loss; I am hoping that we will be blessed this time around. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I feel so bad for him, I know the pain all to well and I definitely know the fear. My emotions these days are a mixed bag. The roller coaster seems to hit with so much force. I do better when I talk to others on this ride. When I am alone, I do worse; the decline is very rapid when I am alone. How do you deal when you are alone? I stay in bed with the covers up and snuggled to William’s teddy bear and the cat, she is a good comfort these days. She seems to want me more than anyone else in this world these days and seems to understand that I need her too. Shan gets his solace in lawn work or work in general, it helps to keep his mind from wandering too much.
I’m off to work this morning trying to muddle through another day and deal with the stupid people of the universe. Seems it takes a lot of energy to deal and teach others what is and is not appropriate to say to me. To say to anyone that is traveling the same journey I am. I don’t have all the energy it takes to talk to these idiots so some days I just act as though I cannot hear them. I pretend to be engrossed in a book, the paper or a magazine. Sometimes (the smart ones) catch on sometimes (the idiots) keep talking as though I want to talk back eventually. We’ll see what today offers. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be lucky and get only smart ones today!

It's a Meme cause it's always all about ME!

Thanks to Heather, I've been tagged for a meme, so here it goes!

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?I was 23. Madly in love and had just gotten married. Of course, we're divorced now but he's still a good friend!

2. What 5 things are on you to-do list for today?
- sleep (damned dog kept me up late with the storms!)
- figure out what to eat for dinner
- check blog's
- hang with Shan
- go to bed early with Shan

3. List some snacks you enjoy.
- really like my protein shakes (french vanilla!) it ensures I get some milk and protein.
-I love potato chips and chocolate!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
-Build our house
-donate to NILMDTS, Project Flutter, First Breath(our own place for grieving parents, tied in with 1st Candle), & March of Dimes.
-Take care of our families and good friends
- I would then buy Shan a truck, my own NEW car, and we would go to Sweden to see Shan's family!

5. List the places you have lived.
- Prairie Village, KS
- Leawood, KS
- Manhattan, KS
- Kansas City, MO (Not very fun but hey, I'm still close to my family!)

6. List the jobs you have had.
- Babysitter
- Dry Cleaning bitch(you know the girl who takes in your clothes and tags them!)
- bank teller
- Personal slave to a General Surgeon (Asshole!)
- waitress
-Volunteer/VP of the local Animal Shelter (All volunteer run! This is where I met Shan!)
- Auto transfusion Technician (Current job, family business)

7. List the people you want to know more about.
Shaina, Coggy, C., Kalakly, and G.
Of course, I want to know about all of you so feel free to jump in and fill this out!

I'm BACK!!

I hope you are all doing well. I will be spending a good part of my week catching up with all of your posts…I will try to catch up by Thursday this week!

We’ve been busy; I need to apologize to those of you with G.Reader. You may very well have seen 2-3 of the same post regarding a song and my Nieces pre-school graduation. Yes, it is something I wanted to share but was too lazy and working too fast to get it done appropriately. I will try to repost it at a later date!

The busy part…Shan’s Dad stayed with us for 2 weeks. He’s a go-getter…kept Shan on his toes and wore him slick! It’s not a bad thing but not a great thing either! It’s always nice to have his dad with us but it’s also nice to get our personal space back! I’m not a very good person to share space with. I’m kind of bitchy and VERY set in my ways! I am NOT a morning person and truly dislike being spoken to before I am ready. Luckily, Shan’s dad knows this…most days! Shan on the other hand is a different story…he eggs on my crappy attitude. That’s actually a different post all together!

So, I took time away and yet I still poked my head through the door on occasion to check in. I didn’t make it to everyone, obviously or you would have seen comments galore I am sure. I missed you all A LOT! It’s very hard for me to stay away from peeking my head around the corner to check in. You are all my addiction and sometimes I need the break from this addiction to feed another.

We have another round of “stuff” coming up in our personal lives and yet some more mile stones (sounds like the wrong thing to say) coming up for us regarding William. Six months in only 12 days away now…doesn’t seem like it can be six months yet. We have our first Steam Show (I’ll explain later!) in just over 2 weeks and I was so looking forward to having William with us at this event. It’s going to be very difficult and of course before the show we have the dreaded Father’s Day. I am not sure how Shan will handle this. Me, I may stay in bed after I tell him what a wonderful Daddy, I know he is.

Lately, I have had yet another round of ups and downs, more ups I think than downs but I’m not exactly sure about that either. I spent Memorial Day at the cemetery placing flowers on a head stone of a good friend who passed six months ago. My losses should all be in another post all together but the short end of the stick is this… August 2007 lost my Cat of 13 years, November 2007 lost a good friend to a freak blood clot, and William’s God Parents lost their fur kid (our fur nephew) to cancer the day after our friend died and then of course, 2 weeks after the friend died we lost our William. I went to the cemetery and then to the infant memorial at the hospital. While at the infant memorial, in the field next to the stone were a herd of cattle…they watched me…I spoke to them…for every baby I could name there was a cow to match. Ironic sure, wishful thinking that they were all watching me, probably but kind of cute just the same! I think the six-month mark is just going to hit me like a brick as the build up is already weighing me down. I guess we’ll have to see.

I do want to thank you all for being here and being my addiction, I am not sure how I would get through any of this without all of you!

ETA: The pee stick was negative, I'm alright with that though! Not exactly ready, I don't think! Maybe next time!

Just thought...

I should let you all know, I am alright! This is short and to the point, I have Shan's Dad in town and rather than keep my arse planted in front of my computer, I am trying to spend some time with him.

I apologize for not commenting, you all seem to write so eloquently, and to be honest, it more often than not brings me to tears. I am trying to avoid the void that I feel and all of the sadness. At the very least for the next week. I feel bad neglecting to blog or commenting, however, this is me time that is needed. I will catch up through out the week and hope that you are all doing alright too!

Thank you to those of you who checked in. I'll be back soon to check on you too!

Bits and pieces

I’m not sure where to start or where to end for that matter. Sunday was the service at the hospital. It was a small service, for EVERYONE, who had lost ANYONE. Not just babies. However, we were the only ones there who had lost our baby. Everyone else had lost someone older…much, much, older. It was a nice service; my Niece and Nephew joined my sister, my Mother, Shan and myself. It was nice for them all to be there. I cried, a lot, especially when Shan spoke Williams full name in remembrance. It was the first time I have heard him say his full name, the first time, in a long time that he has even uttered,” William.” We left the service after having cookies and punch and went down the hill to the “infant memorial,” I had brought with me two purple iris from my yard; my mom brought a dozen white roses. We placed them together in the vase on the stone. I cried when the kids placed some of the roses and said nice things like, “William, even though you are dead, you will always be our cousin.” How blunt yet sweet from a five year old. And then there was, “William, we would have had so much fun with you and you with us.” That one from the nephew! I wailed, I think that’s the best way to put it. We then all went for a walk on the trail and watched the kids play and read all of the memorial plaques along the way on the trees and benches. It was sad, it was hard, it gave me a little (in tiny print!) closure. I miss our son; I miss him more than words can even begin to say. I am angry, I am sad; I am hurt that he is not here.

Today, I had to go to the grocery store the list read something like this:

*Milk
*Dog food/treats/canned
*Cat food dry/treats
*TP
*Spaghetti/S.sauce
*Tampons

I went up and down the aisles checked off all of the items until I came to the tampon aisle. I couldn’t buy the tampons, oh no, not me, I had to buy the 2 pack EPT. For good luck, for wishful thinking, I’m not sure why. They’ll sit in a drawer for at least 2 weeks and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll pull one out and see. I’m sure it’ll be negative but hell, in this life I live you just never know.

This part is for Antigone, I know it’s rough, I know it’s hard, I am thinking of you everyday. I am keeping all my happy, good thoughts rolling your way that this one will make it. I know it’ll never be Henry, but maybe, just maybe a piece of him will come back to you. I’m wishing you peace my dear, and sending you mighty big hugs!

To everyone else, you know how this goes; I’m thinking of you all and hoping for only the best and sending you lots of love and peace!

The game plan

Well, let's see, the game plan. It is simple, or yeah, I guess that's what I'd like to think. Doc put me on Met.for.min, no, I am not dia.betic, don't have P.COS, so why? To decrease my risk of miscarriage from 40% to 14%. Am I at high risk for miscarriage? We're not sure! My insulin challenge was a bit high so we're cutting it off at the pass and this is to give me piece of mind.

So, in order to make a long drawn out story short, we have the green light to try again! Thing that sucks the most, his family will be here while I'm ovulating! Yeah, me! Try stuffing a sock in my mouth I guess! Or, get it done really fast and hide while my legs are propped up! What fun!

So that's the short end of it! I'm sure you'll get the long end of it as now, I am nervous, sad, and leery of losing yet another baby. 2 losses is enough for me. I don't think my heart can stand a 3rd. I know my soul cannot. So, we'll see where the grief roller coaster and the TTC roller coaster collide.

Again, thank you all for all of your support. I am also sure you will hear or um, well, read my ups and downs with taking Met.for.min. as, my body day one seems to dislike the stuff!

Wow, Thanks!

Thanks to Katie, at Taking the Statistical Bullet, for bestowing upon me this wonderful award. She herself has been nothing but kind to me, more kind that I deserve! So thank you!

I am passing this on to all of my girls, I can't choose just a few of you, you have all treated me with kindness and love, so if you are on my blog roll, well then this goes to you! So, put it up display it proudly and know that I thank you for being my friends and pulling me through all of this junk!

The Day (Mother's Day)

Be forewarned, I started writing this yesterday and ended it today...a lot of it is in present tense as it was the present when I wrote it.

The day is here. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe, just maybe, it's because I am cleaning (taking a break to post). My house literally has not been touched since December, at least not by me. My Mom, cleaned, a lot when she stayed with us after, after we gave William over to the hospital staff and left him there.



The hardest part about today is, well, all of you. I dislike the fact that there are so many of us missing our babies. Wishing we had them in our arms, smiling back at us. I have a peace that William is with me. No, not physically but I feel as though he touches me everyday. I wish you all could feel that. Not that it makes it any easier. Yet, it's not so harsh, everyday.



I am blessed, I have a wonderful family. A wonderful fiance. A good life. Shan, went to get me Sweet William plants for Mother's Day, no body not a single nursery here had them. It's the thought that counts! On top of that, he picked out an incredibly sweet Mother's Day card for me and signed it with all of the furry kids names and his and Big Daddy's too! Keep in mind that this is only the 2nd card I have ever received from him and I didn't even say that I wanted anything. He loves me, that's enough for me!

My Mom, wow, I don't have enough good words about this woman, she amazes me everyday. She made a large donation to William's MOD band. She said, she would have spent that if not a lot more on him by now if he were still here. She thinks of William, Shan and I everyday. I cannot thank her enough for being my mom.

I have so many good friends who called or emailed to check on me yesterday. Thank you to each and every one of you. It means more than I can say in words that you thought of me and William yesterday.

B., my nephew is an amazing little man. He's only 9. I called yesterday evening to talk to my sister, to tell her how much I had accomplished on my cleaning because I was so happy with myself. B., answered the phone, we chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him. "I love you too, oh, and hey, Happy Mother's Day, you know you are still a Mother!" Me, of course, I started crying, he got my sister and in turn I heard him say, "I made her cry, I didn't mean to but she is still a Mother." My sister took the phone over and I told her what a special boy she has. How nice it is that no one says to him that you need to say this. He just does it all. My sister and I talked and she made sure my day was decent which it was.

I was truly blessed yesterday and well, today, I believe I am always going to be blessed with this wonderful group of Mommies in my life. I am priveleged to know each and every one of you.

Today, I had my HSG. Ouch, pressure, Oh, wow, that feels like a contraction, is that normal? Yes, it's all normal and I am alright. The pain passed and my doc said all looks good. We'll chat more tomorrow at my appointment. He's still an incredibly nice guy. He made me laugh and took the edge off a bit with his funny comments. I will fill you all in when I get my game plan down! Yeah, like I've ever been able to follow a game plan, but I can pretend can't I?!

No good title

That's what this is, there is no good title. This is just my week in ramblings due to the fact that I can't seem to form a thought for more than maybe say, five minutes at a time. Maybe I am just having brain farts, I'm not sure. Anyhow, let's get on with my week.

Sunday, Aunt Flo came to join me. Not a bad thing, not a good thing either. I scheduled for my HSG which is this coming Monday! Yeah, I know it'll be uncomfortable but that's why my lovely Mom is taking me. So, I may take some good drugs and Tylenol and have a designated driver to get me to and fro. I am scared. This didn't hit me until the R.E.'s office called back and said they wanted to set up another appointment to go over my GTT test and my thyroid panel, etc. with me. Why all of this bothers me I'm not sure. What is the worst thing they can tell me at this point? I'm not pregnant so, they can't tell me that I've lost another one. What could all of this mean? Maybe, I am just scared for what it means for my future.

That damned day is around the corner...yes, two days away. No, I don't begrudge anyone this day. It just makes me incredibly sad. However, my Mom, being the wonderful woman she is made a donation to Williams MOD band. Thanks again, Mom! I love you! This gesture touched my heart and soul.

Knowing I have a good family eased the pain of the people at work today wishing me a *Happy* Mother's day. Oh, BITE ME! Do I seriously need to wear a shirt that tells you to remember what has happened in my life?!

My mask is obviously not too good for some. One of the ladies I work with picked out that the reason I am sooo incredibly tired all the time is because I am depressed. Gee, do you think? Of course, I'm depressed, do I want drugs, NO! Will I be depressed forever? No, I don't think so, I will more than likely just let it hang on for a while before I decide to give the depression the boot. Don't I wish it were that easy!

So, my plans for Mother's day? I do believe that I will seriously get my house clean. Try to keep my mind off things. Yes, cleaning my house will take all weekend, and maybe into next week. I have vacuumed twice since December. I have done nothing else to the house since December but those two times of running the vacuum. The dust is so thick I can write obscene things on my clocks, t.v.'s, and even my desk. Now, that's just sad. So yes, I will be cleaning. I love my Mom, she knows this. She'll know it even more when she gets her gift delivered to her. I may decide to make her a treat and take it to her but it depends on what I get done on the house tomorrow. Anyhow, what I would really like to do is crawl in bed Saturday night and stay there until Monday around 1:00 when my Mom comes to get me for my HSG. That would be my ideal way to spend Sunday.

I do wish you all a peaceful day and hope that it's not too hard on any of us. I am thinking of you all.

To believe or not to believe

It's been a week, a weekend, whatever. It's been yet another time spent without our son. We have so much going on. Although I know some don't believe in Ps.y.chic Me.d.i.um.s, I do and so does Shan. We went to see Jo.h.n E.dwar.d with my Mom Saturday. Yes, in a frenzy 4 weeks out from delivering William, his show was the only that I could watch and feel calm even at the mention of babies. So, when I knew he was coming to town, I shelled out the big bucks for three tickets, Mom, me and Shan!



Shan, didn't want to go. He was scared that something might happen, he'd find out something about his health (read: petrified semi hypochondriac!). When J.E. said, I'm getting l.u.ng ca.nce.r and a mother figure, and a C or K name. I froze, I reached across my mother and tapped Shan, it's you. He shook his head no. It was for the ladies in front of us. There is a part of me that begs to differ, see Shan's sister's name starts with a C. and his mom died of lu.ng ca.n.c.er. But, the lady in front of us spoke up. Our stories were similar. Very similar. The next was a lady who had lost a child, was this a baby asked J.E. Tears, streaming down my face the lady couldn't speak, just nodding her head and nothing else was said by her. J.E. said the baby is fine, with other family. My Mom, nudged me and we both cried.



All afternoon stories coincided with ours, so many children no longer with their families. Yes, I know, we all believe what we want to. I choose to believe in spirits and the spirit world. It was a very interesting time to be had by all. There were so many connections made and even a little boy in the audience was "contacted" by his Grandpa. That was what took all of our breaths away. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the place. All in all it was a fun experience and yes, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Now, I started working out last week! I joined the Y and went everyday except yesterday and today. That's not bad, it's not good either. My ass hurts, literally and my back and my arms and my neck and every other part on my body. I was starting to get mad about all of this though. I can handle the pain but where the eff was Aunt Flo? Why was she being so untimely? No, I can guarantee I was not pregnant, foam and "rubber duckies." No, breaks, no misses...not pregnant. So, why was my cycle delayed? Don't have a clue but I started yesterday which means, I can have my "final" test before we TTC again. I have to call tomorrow to schedule my HSG. I'm scared and excited and a bit on edge.

What will this mean for my future, for our future? Am I ready to try? Do I even want to go there yet? My answers are actually very simple, A baby that lives and survives birth and life. Yes. And yes. Before I actually wrote this down, I was thinking this is all wishful thinking. I mean is the 3rd try going to be the charm? Seriously, my charm is my son who isn't here. Am I ready for this, this scary unknown, the fear, the anxiety without drugs? That one I can't answer.

I do know that I want a baby but the other fear I have is this, I know you all support me but I am scared to go to the other side. The side of pregnancy after loss. The side of not having all of you there to walk me through it because it'll be too hard for you to read about. What's even more strange is that IRL I don't give a shit. But here, in blogland, I am petrified to hurt anyone.
I want nothing more than to have each and everyone of you holding my hand, with the anxiety of mine and pregnant too. I know, now I am asking too much, can you all get knocked up and join me? Selfish, I know but it is my hope that each of us can hold the ultimate gift in our arms someday in the future, preferably, say ten and a half months from now, a living, breathing, healthy child, who stays with us until our dying day. Oh, and yes, our dying day cannot come for at the very least another say fifty five years! How does this suit you all?

My sarcasm shining through here, but the truth is I am scared of feeling as though I am turning my back on you all by TTC and actually conceiving and carrying a healthy one. Then again, I am scared of turning my back on William to do all of this.

I think in typing this I just got my answer...I feel as though I haven't given William his just dues but I hope he'll understand should I decide to take a leap of faith. I guess I need to believe rather than not believe that all will be alright. That we all will be alright.

Shadows and thank you

I joined the Y yesterday. I love the facilities. The tour was fabulous and pretty much sold me on the fact that yes, I need to lose a ton of weight. Tonight was my first water aerobics class, a.) I love the water b.) I'm currently too heavy to bounce around on a floor for aerobics c.) I have a friend who does this with me. It was a high intensity class, I pushed myself and I now have tons of energy.

Being as it is a family place there were children there. It was alright, even the baby strollers and babies. What got to me was when the instructor grabbed a book and said, "I'd like you to remember, that if you look to the sun, you cannot see the shadows." I teared up. I like the shadows. I like the sun but I like the shadows more, the shadows make me remember where I have been. This shadow I live in will always follow me, it is the shadow of my life.

The new me however will with a lot of work have a smaller, thinner shadow. This shadow will still be that of my past life, but will hold a little bit of sun for my future.

__________________________________________________________________

Thank you, too all who commented on my last post. I didn't mean to sound so angry. I'm not. I know now that I need to be the one to instigate conversation about William. I need to start being who I was before and not caring who I upset in this process. I know that sounds cold, I'm not cold, I promise. I have a need to talk about my son. I have to be the one who initiates these conversations and from now on I will be.

Of a craddle, beer and chicken

The trip was short. We got into MP around 11:00am, we loaded the steel we came to pick up. We went to Jerry's for our pizza and drove on into Shan's dad's house. All in all we were done with what we came for by 12:00 noon. We could have just turned around and come back home. We didn't, we wanted to spend time with Dad and eat at our favorite chicken place.


When we got to the house, Dad, wanted to load us up with whatever he thought we could use in the shop (read Shan's big dog house, for himself to play in!). We got a filing cabinet, a rolling hanger rack (not sure why but we did!), then it was time for more shelves, my heart sank. Sitting in front of the truck in the garage was the most beautiful craddle, hand made by Dad, it had been passed from child to child and was to be Williams. I couldn't bear it, I whispered to Shan, what about the craddle? Well, ask him, Shan said. That ensued a minor argument of, I don't want to cause I'll cry. I stomped back in the house. I came out later for my bad habit and noticed that yes, the craddle was loaded in the back of the truck. I told Shan thank you and that I would thank Dad later but didn't know what to say.


I thought liquid courage would help. Half a pitcher of beer, 1/4 fried chicken, 1/2 valyummy, that should do the trick. Nope, no courage! Couldn't say anything not even thanks. What a coward am I? Anyhow, I figured that I could get a good nights sleep and say something in the morning. No sleep, not even with my little friend on board. By back aches and I'm not a morning person, not to mention, I don't drink the REAL coffee, decaf for me only and none in sight. I sniffed Shan's real coffee and sipped on my water. I went out for my bad habit only to realize that, nothing, not a damned word was said to me about our son. I was frustrated, ready to go home. I packed our bag, told Shan we need to go. We ensued small talk for a little while longer.


"Are you still doctering?" asked Bet. "If that's what you want to call it," I said. "I have one more test next month and then we'll see." That's all that was said, not a how are you or anything.

Am I mad? A little, we went through the worst life experience thus far and no one seems to understand up there what it is we've been through. We gave our hugs and kisses and I love you's and in the truck we went. I found out on our ride home that Dad didn't want to bring up the crib and had told Shan that sometimes, God does things for the best. Well, God sure fucked up this time, I told Shan. I know what Dad meant, he was trying to make the best out of our situation. It still doesn't help though. I can't fault him, he's had rough times too but he hasn't lost a child. Shan was his surprise, they weren't going to have anymore kids and then bam, here he is. Lucky them and lucky me that he was born, alive and healthy.


We made it home by 11:45 this morning, tired and crabby from the long ride, I'd like to take a nap but won't, afraid again of not sleeping tonight. Hugged the dogs, and cats and sat infront of the computer to type this out. I'm still thinking, should I have said something to them? Something to the effect of how much this all still hurts.