Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Of a craddle, beer and chicken

The trip was short. We got into MP around 11:00am, we loaded the steel we came to pick up. We went to Jerry's for our pizza and drove on into Shan's dad's house. All in all we were done with what we came for by 12:00 noon. We could have just turned around and come back home. We didn't, we wanted to spend time with Dad and eat at our favorite chicken place.

When we got to the house, Dad, wanted to load us up with whatever he thought we could use in the shop (read Shan's big dog house, for himself to play in!). We got a filing cabinet, a rolling hanger rack (not sure why but we did!), then it was time for more shelves, my heart sank. Sitting in front of the truck in the garage was the most beautiful craddle, hand made by Dad, it had been passed from child to child and was to be Williams. I couldn't bear it, I whispered to Shan, what about the craddle? Well, ask him, Shan said. That ensued a minor argument of, I don't want to cause I'll cry. I stomped back in the house. I came out later for my bad habit and noticed that yes, the craddle was loaded in the back of the truck. I told Shan thank you and that I would thank Dad later but didn't know what to say.

I thought liquid courage would help. Half a pitcher of beer, 1/4 fried chicken, 1/2 valyummy, that should do the trick. Nope, no courage! Couldn't say anything not even thanks. What a coward am I? Anyhow, I figured that I could get a good nights sleep and say something in the morning. No sleep, not even with my little friend on board. By back aches and I'm not a morning person, not to mention, I don't drink the REAL coffee, decaf for me only and none in sight. I sniffed Shan's real coffee and sipped on my water. I went out for my bad habit only to realize that, nothing, not a damned word was said to me about our son. I was frustrated, ready to go home. I packed our bag, told Shan we need to go. We ensued small talk for a little while longer.

"Are you still doctering?" asked Bet. "If that's what you want to call it," I said. "I have one more test next month and then we'll see." That's all that was said, not a how are you or anything.

Am I mad? A little, we went through the worst life experience thus far and no one seems to understand up there what it is we've been through. We gave our hugs and kisses and I love you's and in the truck we went. I found out on our ride home that Dad didn't want to bring up the crib and had told Shan that sometimes, God does things for the best. Well, God sure fucked up this time, I told Shan. I know what Dad meant, he was trying to make the best out of our situation. It still doesn't help though. I can't fault him, he's had rough times too but he hasn't lost a child. Shan was his surprise, they weren't going to have anymore kids and then bam, here he is. Lucky them and lucky me that he was born, alive and healthy.

We made it home by 11:45 this morning, tired and crabby from the long ride, I'd like to take a nap but won't, afraid again of not sleeping tonight. Hugged the dogs, and cats and sat infront of the computer to type this out. I'm still thinking, should I have said something to them? Something to the effect of how much this all still hurts.


Katie said...

That cradle is so beautiful.

Thinking of you. . .

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel right now, and I want to make it all better for you.

The cradle is just simply gorgeous.

Love you.

STE said...

It's such a beautiful cradle, no wonder you were so emotional -- on top of the family meaning and your loss of William.

Why does this all have to be so hard?

Thinking of you, Amy.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this wasn't a better, easier weekend for you both. I am glad you're back home and safe again. Take it easy on yourselves this week.

Mrs. Spit said...

The cradle is beautiful, and I am so sorry that it's empty. And that your family sucks. Mine too.

Wishing you the best week you can have.

c. said...

I'm not sure saying anything would have helped them to understand. I don't like looking weak though, so that's my convenient excuse for not saying anything, for making me responsible for their reactions.

It's a beautiful cradle, Amy. XO.

Coggy said...

The cradle is so beautiful.

It's taken me a while but, I no longer think people don't mention it because they don't care. I do it's the opposite, they care so much, but really don't know how, or where to begin. Many times now I have found if I bring it up then it enables them to talk to me. That's not the case with everyone but a lot of people. I think they needed to know I was able to talk about it.

I don't mean to stick up for Shan's Dad, or say it was OK for him not to mention William to you. I have no idea what Shan's Dad's reasons were for not mentioning William, but I really do think it's not always for the reasons we assume. I hope you get to talk to him about William soon. None of this gets any easier does it? x x x

Amy said...

there is a part of me that agrees with you and I didn't mean to put down Shan's Dad. He is a wonderful man who cares deeply for us all. I wish I could open that door but to be honest, I am not strong enough yet to talk about my beautiful boy without shedding a lot of tears. We have a family reunion in July, maybe then I'll be stronger. I hope so. Thank you all for helping me through!

CLC said...

That's a beautiful cradle Amy. I am sorry they didn't say more. But I think Coggy might be on to something. Hope you are doing ok.

Anonymous said...

The cradle is beautiful. And sad. Cradles shouldn't be empty and I am sorry yours is. It sucks so much. And I'm sorry your family doesn't know what to say to you to make you feel better. I know this won't make it hurt less for you, but probably, they are not trying to be's just because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, that they opt not to say anything at all. Not the right thing to do, but not wrong out of meanness. (It's a lot easier for me to recognize that in your family than in my own).
Wish I could take some of the sadness away...