Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Million Dollar Baby

That isn't even here. Little did I know when all of this came to pass, I'd be spending a small fortune.

I have paid the hospital and the O.B.'s office not nearly what I thought it would be. Color me happy for that! I have seen a Perinatologist who in turn told me nothing else needs to be done for a subsequent pregnancy, I really didn't give him too much moolaa either. But now, the RE's here in town will not work with un-married couples! Well, bite me! Not only will the 3 most highly recommended ones in town not help me because we are not married but hell, they wouldn't even just run tests. I don't need help, that I know of to get pregnant, I need help sustaining a pregnancy. So that I might have a living child. I want answers dammit!

I put a call into a highly recommended RE in Chicago, an eight hour drive or one hour flight from home. Come to find out that my insurance is out of network. Yeah, come the big bucks! I'm lucky I have a free ticket to fly but a rental car, hotel, and all expenses for the testing and of course my crap eating habits while I am there! I do believe I'm looking at a large chunk of change. My little guy isn't even here and yet, because he's not I'm spending money hand over fist to make sure I am a physically sound Mom. Isn't that just plain sad?!

I know the more tests that I have run, I still may not get any answers but maybe a peace of mind. I'm not even sure if that is what I am looking for. I don't know WTF, I am looking for anymore.

I feel like a Mom who's child has been kidnapped (no, I don't want an argument here, I just want to vent!) I can't find him anywhere. I've searched the house, the yard outside, the mall, the grocery store, but he's not here...where do I look from here? I feel short of calling the police to ask "would you put out an Aler.t?" Of course, we all know that won't do me any good.

So I guess, I'm searching not for my son but for me, for the answers I need to know that I am, well, I guess, all right(body wise/uterus, etc). All right to move forward with trying to have another child that will survive, will make it to this earth breathing. Do I sound crazy? Probably but at this point, I don't think I care. I will do what it takes to make sure I have a great chance at bringing home a living baby and not ashes or despair.


c. said...

We can only do what we can do. You don't sound crazy. You sound like you want a baby very badly. There's no harm in that. I hope you get what you want and the visit with the RE turns up some (good) answers. XO.

Anonymous said...

Are you serious? How can they do that? How can they discriminate against you because you aren't married? You are a responsible woman who is trying to do right by her future children.

If I were you, I would raise HELL with them!

I hope you find answers and peace. I know this is a hard thing. As muhc as it might not make sense, sometimes no answer is a good thing. I think it makes it less likely to happen again.

I always think about that when I say we "lost" Aodin... like I just can't find him or something...

I wish you everything good in the world.

G said...

What a load of crap! That's just not right. Fuck em, call back, tell them you went to Vegas and are ready for treatment. :)

Or come to Seattle, stay with me, visit with my hero in a white coat.

Amy said...

I think at this point, I would travel to Siberia if I thought it would do me any good! I would love to travel to see my imaginary friends, take pictures and say, "hey, ma, they're real, see!" I just don't see that one happening!

It isn't fair that they too discriminate do to a piece of paper. But hey, who the hell am I? I am the mother of a child I cannot hold, and dammit I want answers! They don't seem to give a rats behind about that one! Oh, well...Chicago, not a bad place and if I plan it right maybe the weather will be nice, and I can get a friend to tag along, if Shan doesn't go!

Carrie said...

Not married! They won't help you because you're NOT MARRIED. I can't understand how that can work in this day and age.
Do they actually check? Surely not.
I cannot believe that these people know what you have been through and they feel a marriage certificate is important.

I'm sorry you're searching for answers. I know the frustration this causes.
I hope someone helps you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I don't know if you want a fight. (And I can understand if you don't have the energy for one). Can you contact the AMA? Are they legally permitted to deny treatment and testing to a patient in front of them, who requires their assistance?

And can you not compel the insurance company to pay for the treatment, if you can't get treatment in your area?

I'm Canadian, so it's a whole different ball game, but that seems to be just wrong.

Becky said...

I would do precisely what you are doing. I can't believe that you have to be married to be seen by an RE down there.

But hey, if you come to Chicago...I know a cool chick who'd love to see you.

CLC said...

That sucks and seems totally wrong. I don't even know what to do with that. I hope you get some peace of mind though. For that, I would say a trip to Chi-town is worth it.

Amy said...

When/if I come that way, I will definetly let you know! I would love to meet you IRL!

Anonymous said...

I really dont understand how they can not see you because you are not married. Thats bloody stupid! if a gay couple can do IVF then I cant see why you cant get some help with your tests when your not married.


k@lakly said...

That's f'ed up...the not married thing. i read some articles about it, specifically some lawsuits against docs for discrimination and the CA courts upheld thte docs right to refuse to treat people based on religious objections to marital stauts(of course behind the lines was the tiny fact that the couple was gay and that more than likely is what the docs objected to BUT they can't refuse to treat a gay...only single folks) so the courts said yep, you can say no to treating them. It's bullshit. Now you know, just lie on your's none of their god damn business anyway.

Thanks for checking in, I'm dandy...just mentally dry of post stuff and have ahd workers in the house so no opportunity to sit around and blab!

Antigone said...

I'm really shocked. I'm all for free choice but a physcian refusing to run diagnostic tests because of your marital status? You'd think they'd be intelligent enough to distinguish between diagnostics and treatment. You are in a pretty conservative part of the country though.

I vote for lieing if you must.

And paying for an RE w/o insurance is ridiculously expensive. Mine charged $300 for an office visit, $600 for basic bloodwork, $1300 for the ultrasound/doppler/hysteroscopy...

Ya Chun said...

That is not cool. How many babies do you need to loose to big high risk?
Have you tried in CoMO or STL?
IF you do have to go to CHI, look into MegaBus. Super cheap and clean conditions.