That isn't even here. Little did I know when all of this came to pass, I'd be spending a small fortune.
I have paid the hospital and the O.B.'s office not nearly what I thought it would be. Color me happy for that! I have seen a Perinatologist who in turn told me nothing else needs to be done for a subsequent pregnancy, I really didn't give him too much moolaa either. But now, the RE's here in town will not work with un-married couples! Well, bite me! Not only will the 3 most highly recommended ones in town not help me because we are not married but hell, they wouldn't even just run tests. I don't need help, that I know of to get pregnant, I need help sustaining a pregnancy. So that I might have a living child. I want answers dammit!
I put a call into a highly recommended RE in Chicago, an eight hour drive or one hour flight from home. Come to find out that my insurance is out of network. Yeah, me...here come the big bucks! I'm lucky I have a free ticket to fly but a rental car, hotel, and all expenses for the testing and of course my crap eating habits while I am there! I do believe I'm looking at a large chunk of change. My little guy isn't even here and yet, because he's not I'm spending money hand over fist to make sure I am a physically sound Mom. Isn't that just plain sad?!
I know the more tests that I have run, I still may not get any answers but maybe a peace of mind. I'm not even sure if that is what I am looking for. I don't know WTF, I am looking for anymore.
I feel like a Mom who's child has been kidnapped (no, I don't want an argument here, I just want to vent!) I can't find him anywhere. I've searched the house, the yard outside, the mall, the grocery store, but he's not here...where do I look from here? I feel short of calling the police to ask "would you put out an Am.b.er Aler.t?" Of course, we all know that won't do me any good.
So I guess, I'm searching not for my son but for me, for the answers I need to know that I am, well, I guess, all right(body wise/uterus, etc). All right to move forward with trying to have another child that will survive, will make it to this earth breathing. Do I sound crazy? Probably but at this point, I don't think I care. I will do what it takes to make sure I have a great chance at bringing home a living baby and not ashes or despair.