Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Friday, April 4, 2008

A letter to my Angel

Friday April 4, 2008

My Dearest William,

I was outside this morning talking to you my sweet William. I told you that as much as I miss you I know you are safe. The wind blew and touched my face; I knew then that you heard me. I told you that you would be in everything I do, always, the wind blew harder as if to smack my face (I was having a cigarette) I told you that not in that (my smoking) I told you in what I did for others and myself would reflect you. The birds started singing. I giggled because the traffic was loud yet, I could hear the birds, and I knew you were here with me today. I looked to the sky and just as miraculously as you (a hawk) appeared, I watched you soar and looked again and you disappeared into the clouds as I thanked you for stopping by today.
I love you little man! I thank you for arriving when I need you and wiping away my tears. I thank you for being my first-born, my son, and the love in my life. I know that as much as I miss you, I need to focus on what I have in my life, your Daddy, your Grandpa Wayne, Grammi, Pappa, Grandpa, Angie, Aunt Becky and the kids, and all of our wonderful friends. You will always be in my heart, no matter where I go. My love, I cannot express how much I miss you but I know that you know!

More than the moon, the stars and the sun, I love you!

P.S. I promise to quit smoking! I do, I just need to be a stronger person than what I am now. It is something I will work on for all of us. Just remember, I didn’t smoke when you were with me, I started again, because, I was stressed, now I really have no excuse, I’m just weak!

(To readers: Please don't nag me because of my bad habit, I know it's bad! I will quit, in my time. I don't need nagging from those I don't live with! Thank you for your support!)


Anonymous said...

Amy, this is so beautiful. I talk to Aodin this way a lot, and there is so much comfort in it.

You are NOT weak. Smoking is a terribly difficult thing to stop. Just take it one day at a time, like everything else. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself about it right now. You have to concentrate on healing your heart a little first. When you're ready to deal with it, the smoking issue will resolve itself.

You can do anything. You have survived the most painful thing a mother can deal with, and you are blossoming through it to become such a strong and beautiful person. William is so proud of you, and he knows that when you're ready, you'll kick the smoking too.

Be patient and kind to yourself.

P.S. I am offering to personally make nasty faces at anyone who bothers to say unkind things about the smoking. We ALL have bad habits, and we'll handle them in our own ways!

Brooke said...

That was beautiful. I have yet to feel Caden near me. I'm a little jealous to tell the truth :)

I have no comment on the smoking, I tell you what, I quit years ago and its been damn hard not to take it back up in the past few weeks...I think whatever gets you through the day is ok at this point.

Becky said...

Love to you both today, and everyday. Amy, this was a beautiful letter.

Carrie said...

What a beautiful letter
As for the smoking, one hurdle at a time, huh? Don't be too hard on yourself xx

Coggy said...

thank you for writing such a positive and uplifting post. I am drowning in my negativity right now so this was a breath of fresh air. I haven't felt Jacob close to me for a long while now. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places or just refusing to see any signs.
As for the smoking right now just do what you need to. After Jacob died I started smoking again for a while because I needed to. It had been years since I'd smoked prior to that. Then I just stopped again one day because I realized I just didn't want to anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself because you could be doing a lot worse things right now.

Antigone said...

I thought about buying a pack the day after I came from the hospital. And I had been quit for five years.