Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Fade to black

This is a story all about me, me, me!

I have been rethinking that first week, the cards, the calls, the flowers. I received a lot of nice condolences that first week and even the weeks to follow. The problem was, I didn't want condolences, I wanted congratulations. I wanted one person to say congratulations on being a parent. There was one person who said that in week 2, the visiting nurse. Wow, was she nice!

Then I have a friend who had asked my Dad if it would be alright to call me, sometimes hearing other peoples problems can take your mind off of things. WTF? I'm not too sure where she came from but when you lose a child there is nothing and I mean nothing that can take your mind off of your loss.

Hell, that first week, I was forced to eat by Shan and my Mom (she went to the store and spent WAY too much money on meals), I felt obligated to them. I spent most of my time in bed, taking a shower was work, it hurt, my breasts leaked and I would stand in the shower sobbing. Wondering why me, for fucks sake why me? My favorite curse word, FUCK, came back into play. I had tried so hard to give up my sailor like vocabulary for the sake of William and the fear that his first word would be fuck! It came back with a vengeance, to this day I do think that I use it more than before my world turned dark.

I have been reliving what my life was like prior to that week, I was happy go lucky, on the "down hill slope" of pregnancy and looking forward to being a Mom. Albeit a crazed Mom but a Mom none the less. I had not a care in the world, my relationship solid, finances under control, bills paid, etc.

Now, I still have nightmares about skipping a bill, my relationship although not strained has some tension (all I do is talk about what if, he still doesn't talk much, he doesn't know what to say), finances, well, I'm a firm believer in retail therapy and it's not the good kind either! I spend as though I have a money tree in my front and back yards! I'll get it together one day!

I'm not feeling dark and dreary today just really tired and I am wondering if it has to do with the depression side of things or if I am now just totally bored with my life so I don't care if I stay awake or not.

I crawl into bed grab William's bear and kiss his little forehead. I tell him I love him, put in my ear plugs (Shan's snoring and Sasha's snoring are all too loud for me) I roll over on my tummy, slowly let my lids shut and the room fades to black.

I did just this minus the earplugs this afternoon. The room faded to black, when I awoke, it was with a fear and wonder. The dream, it was a girl, she was in my arms, loving on me holding my cheeks and I have to wonder, was she mine? Am I ever going to see my little man in my dreams? Why a little girl? Who is she and what does she mean by being in my dreams?

I think for now, I should let it rest and just try to let the daylight, fade to black.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am glad though that there were people there to help you through it, even if sometimes they didn't say or do the right things. I think people get so flustered that they don't know what to say or do.

At least take some comfort in knowing that the good things you had before are still there. You still have a solid relationship and your financial status WILL recover. I have certainly done my share of retail therapy of late, but we're still doing alright and you will too.

I think the tiredness comes with this phase of greif. I know it has for me, and it is hard for me too to distinguish between sadness and general boredom. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be particularly motivated by life again.

Maybe William sent her to you to make you smile, to give you some comfort. I don't know if you will ever see him, but I do think that when you have these sweet dreams it is his way of trying to bring you some peace in small measures. I know that he is there with you, even if you don't see or feel him.

I hope you're doing alright. I know this sucks... unbelieveably sucks. Rest as much as you need to, but don't let the black happen too much. I don't want to lose you to it.

Becky said...

Oh sweetie.


I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.

CLC said...

It truly does suck. I am very tired lately too. No matter how much or how little I sleep, I am constantly exhausted. Maybe Yummy is right, and that's part of grieving.
It sounds like a nice dream. Maybe she is William's little sister. It's something to hold onto though.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I cannot imagine your agony. And can I just say, is so unfair. I wish I could say something or do something to help you.
Personally, I believe that you will see William one day. And I also believe that when you have another baby, she (maybe the girl in your dream?) will have her beautiful brother as her guardian angel.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you. The dark finds us even when we try to hide. I agree she could be William's guardian angel. Just know that something good was touching you; wants you to know you are cared.

Coggy said...

I sometimes wish I could just sleep forever. It's so much easier to be asleep or at least be in my own bed.

I hope you're doing OK today. I also think the seasons have a lot to do with the tiredness. Its pretty cold here still and that in itself makes me want to sleep.

Thinking of you today x x x

k@lakly said...

I still remember all the days of waking up and my first thought was when can I go back to bed, how soon until I can nap? It's better now but I still have those days and I never know why or when they will show up. I try to just be glad for the days that I don't feel that way...I hope they become more frequent for all of us in the days to come.

Antigone said...

It's all just horrible.

I hated that my breasts leaked afterward for a week. It was such a terrible reminder of what I should be doing.

Holli said...

I could have written this myself. My husband hardly ever talks about our baby, and it's all I talk about. I have been shopping like crazy and it didn't dawn on me why until I read this.

I hate going through this, but you are not alone.