This is a story all about me, me, me!
I have been rethinking that first week, the cards, the calls, the flowers. I received a lot of nice condolences that first week and even the weeks to follow. The problem was, I didn't want condolences, I wanted congratulations. I wanted one person to say congratulations on being a parent. There was one person who said that in week 2, the visiting nurse. Wow, was she nice!
Then I have a friend who had asked my Dad if it would be alright to call me, sometimes hearing other peoples problems can take your mind off of things. WTF? I'm not too sure where she came from but when you lose a child there is nothing and I mean nothing that can take your mind off of your loss.
Hell, that first week, I was forced to eat by Shan and my Mom (she went to the store and spent WAY too much money on meals), I felt obligated to them. I spent most of my time in bed, taking a shower was work, it hurt, my breasts leaked and I would stand in the shower sobbing. Wondering why me, for fucks sake why me? My favorite curse word, FUCK, came back into play. I had tried so hard to give up my sailor like vocabulary for the sake of William and the fear that his first word would be fuck! It came back with a vengeance, to this day I do think that I use it more than before my world turned dark.
I have been reliving what my life was like prior to that week, I was happy go lucky, on the "down hill slope" of pregnancy and looking forward to being a Mom. Albeit a crazed Mom but a Mom none the less. I had not a care in the world, my relationship solid, finances under control, bills paid, etc.
Now, I still have nightmares about skipping a bill, my relationship although not strained has some tension (all I do is talk about what if, he still doesn't talk much, he doesn't know what to say), finances, well, I'm a firm believer in retail therapy and it's not the good kind either! I spend as though I have a money tree in my front and back yards! I'll get it together one day!
I'm not feeling dark and dreary today just really tired and I am wondering if it has to do with the depression side of things or if I am now just totally bored with my life so I don't care if I stay awake or not.
I crawl into bed grab William's bear and kiss his little forehead. I tell him I love him, put in my ear plugs (Shan's snoring and Sasha's snoring are all too loud for me) I roll over on my tummy, slowly let my lids shut and the room fades to black.
I did just this minus the earplugs this afternoon. The room faded to black, when I awoke, it was with a fear and wonder. The dream, it was a girl, she was in my arms, loving on me holding my cheeks and I have to wonder, was she mine? Am I ever going to see my little man in my dreams? Why a little girl? Who is she and what does she mean by being in my dreams?
I think for now, I should let it rest and just try to let the daylight, fade to black.