Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To a better 2009

I'll raise a glass of something (beer, eggnog, wine, water) to us all tonight. Albeit before midnight. I'm hoping for a better 2009 for all of us.

This last year I was mired in my grief. I didn't do anything to help myself physically. I gained weight while I was pregnant and I kept in on after I lost William. I plan on losing weight this year. Is that a resolution? No, it's a promise I'd like to keep to myself. I started smoking again after I lost William. I'd like to promise myself that I will quit that nasty habit too. So what are my resolutions? I can't say that I truly have any. Maybe one could or should be that I resolve to clean my house every week. I resolve to organize my life. Ok, so that's 2. Maybe those are the two that I know I can stick to. I would like to resolve to be a kinder person, one who cares more about others than myself. To be honest, there's a part of me who wants to care more about me than anyone else. I can't say that I have ever done that one for myself.

I'm co-dependent, others problems are so much easier for me...they don't affect me directly and I can say a lot of things to help others. I never, well, almost never take my own advice. Maybe I should learn to do that this next year.

So, instead of resolutions tonight I will make wishes. I have a lot of wishes for 2009. I'll start the list here and now. Maybe by writing it down, I will feel like they may very well be granted.

Wish List for 2009
1. To find peace
2. For all of us to have happy, healthy lives and babies (happy, healthy ones)in this coming year!
3. For someone to find a cure for ALL cancers!
4. For us all to live long lives plus see number 2!
5. To reconnect with family and friends that I have pushed away in the last year.
6. To spend more time with my Gram!
7. For world peace!(Yes, that sounds like a Play.boy Play.mate answer but it's true!)
8. For Shan and I to get married.
9. For a couple of vacations this year (Didn't take a single one last year and really need a couple this year!)
10. To pay off all debt...yes this would require winning the Powe.rba.ll but hey, a girl can dream and this is a wish list!

So, tell me what are your resolutions or your wishes for 2009?

ETA: I edited this for the stupid spelling errors I made! Sorry!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Post three of three with explanation!

Now my order may be all messed up but, I'm sure you can get the idea! Brent wrote a wonderful letter to go with his balloon, Libby drew pictures and you see the front of the invite and the balloons before release in post 1. Post two contains Becky's letter(heartfelt and heart touching, not aching), a snowflake that Grammi sent to William (one that she made), Shan and the kids walking to release the balloons, the balloons released and the piece of cake that we have for William! Post 3, this post contains, a picture my sister and her husband gave us, the t-shirt Brent made for me with a hawk on it and Williams name, and the tree with the lights on.

I neglected to get pictures of all of our outside lights last night. To be honest, I was exhausted! The day went off without a hitch and William's Godparents even came over to join us for the entire celebration. Shan and I were both pleased with all that went on. Yes, I sent a letter to heaven from Shan and I but that one we'll keep to ourselves.

Thank you all for all of your support and well wishes and Birthday wishes to William. I just know he heard you all!

Post two of three in pictures

Post one of three in letters and pictures

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Happy Birthday, William!

Mommy and Daddy love you and hope you are jumping on clouds, laughing and playing!

Thank you for waking me up at 4:14 am today, I know you came by to say hello, I appreciate that. I woke up in tears because you are not here physically but I do feel you with me today.

You have so many caring loving people here on earth that miss you. They have all done such wonderful things for you on this day, and for us too. T., Shaina and Peter all released balloons for you this morning. Grammi made a donation to March of Dimes. Shaina and Peter donated a toy to Toys for Tots in honor of you. Jodi wrote you a Happy Birthday email and sent her thoughts to Mommy and Daddy.

Later today, Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Pappa, Aunt B., Uncle M., B and L., Grandpa Wayne, Aunt Tracy and Uncle Jas will be releasing balloons to heaven for you. Grandpa B and Angie will release balloons in the Caymans for you today also. Mommy is working on cleaning the house and finishing up your cake.

It's been a rough day but with all of the love and support from friends and family I know we will all get through it. We love you and miss you little one.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet baby boy!

(I will post pictures of everything later this weekend. Our Christmas lights will go on outside and on the tree inside this evening after dark. We will be releasing balloons around 4:30 our time. Please join us in thought as we have our cake this evening. Thank you all for all of your support!)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Today, I am.

I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.

Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.

The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.

I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.

We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.

I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.

More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Give me a break!

No, not only do I get the stress er, um, sadness of dealing with the loss of William. I am dealing with being semi-crippled and Wayne, stars chemo Monday. Yeah for me! I want a place like THIS to go to! Anyone know of a place in my area as I can't afford to go to Cali right now! Actually, I'd like to open one of my own!

Yes, this all sucks but many things we can get through with a little help from our friends, I will be leaning on you all a lot more coming up here soon! In advance, thank you for your support and ears, well, eyes!

Mixed emotions.

For William’s first birthday we have decided to make it a celebration and we have a new way to honor our son. Being as it’s the Christmas season and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it pass us by, our new tradition will be to flip the switch on our Christmas lights on his birthday.
Today I am working on my invitations for his birthday. We are inviting only our family. The kids (My niece and nephew) will join us. We are going to release some balloons and then have pizza for dinner, what else would you serve kids?! Then, when it gets dark we’ll flip the switch on the Christmas lights and wish our son a happy birthday.
It’s going to be a rough week. I know this I’m not prepared! I don’t think you can be prepared for the flood of emotion that comes your way. This week started out in a rough manner. It’s the last couple of weeks that I will be able to say, “this time last year, I was happy. I knew not of the terror that was coming my way. Our son was still with us.” This time last year I was looking forward to the gifts we’d receive for William. Even though he wasn’t going to be here yet, I knew some people were getting us things for him. Christmas last year was hard. I tried, I tried to be upbeat, but I was still in shock that we’d lost William.
I broke down last night, I want to be happy, and I’m tired of being mired down in grief. Yet in the same respects, I am feeling a sense of peace. I know and feel that William is in heaven. He has a lot of friends and family to keep him safe and warm and I know he knows how much we love him and miss him. The peace I feel also comes from the fact that I am still here, almost a year after losing our beautiful boy, I am still here. I get up, I do things, and I even on occasion feel alive. I owe all of this to my family and friends.
Yesterday, my friend S. called, she wanted me to write down a license plate number of a car that was scaring her as she was walking. I did, I stayed on the phone with her and she said, there’s a hawk that’s following us also. I just started giggling; I knew she’d be fine, the hawk, the hawk, was William, watching after my dear friend. I told her she’d be fine, I told her the hawk was William! She told me to tell him to stop scaring the s*** out of her. I laughed more, I have no control, he does what he pleases and he was looking out for her!
I shared this story with my Mom and as soon as I said hawk, her voice quivered and she said, “She was fine, William was there!” Yes, indeed he was!

Tomorrow night is the candle lighting for my support group. My friend T., will be there with her new baby, Drew (a girl!). I will ask to hold her, she will be the first baby I will hold since holding my tiny perfect son in my arms just shy of a year ago. It will be hard for me, and for her, but she understands my anxiety and joy mixed together. I can't wait to meet Drew, to hold her and hear her and smell her. Wish me luck, please, I don't want to freak out!
I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your posts, I’m in my own world this week and next, I hope to have some more energy to read and write to you all. I wish you all the best of holidays you can possibly have but most of all I wish you PEACE and LOVE!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Thanks for...

EVERYTHING, for being my family and my friends. Yes, family can be friends too! This is for my Mom and my Sis. We truly do enjoy each others company and it was well reinforced a couple of weekends ago.

My sister, had scheduled with us a weekend away from our homes to spend with her at hers and do some things but it was kept quiet. We knew not what we were going to be doing. Only that we had to be at her place at 7pm on Friday to start the weekend.

We arrived to a wonderful shrimp cocktail (fresh avacodos, fresh tomatoes, a sauce mixed with shrimp in a beautiful wine glass), a cream cheese dip and crackers, of which I ate much. Then dinner arrived. We had placed our orders and she had sandwhiches delivered for us. She then gave us gifts:

The most wonderful blanket, scarf, and slippers!

We watched a movie, "No Reservations," played "Outburst" and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning, talking and playing! It was like being a teenager all over again!

Saturday we woke up a little late but, we didn't have a schedule to follow so it was all good! We had gingerbread bagels, coffee, and juice for breakfast and then we got dressed. We went to the Kemper Museum of Art, then to Crown Center to the Holiday store for a bit of shopping. At this point it was nap time, remember we're not teenagers anymore and 2:30 am can wear on you! So we stopped by here, for some coffee and went home for a bit for a nap.

After our mini nap we went and had this done:

After our fabulous Pedi's and wearing our air-like slippers we were served the most spectacular cheese soup in bread bowl and sister is a fabulous hostess!

While we ate we watched "The Ultimate Gift," a tear jerker to say the least and the symbolism at the end, WOW! We played scrabble and talked some more but this time we went to bed at an earlier time!

Sunday, we awoke, had fruit and orange rolls for breakfast and then we went here

It was a fabulous weekend with those I love! Thank you a million times over! I love you both!