Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Mixed emotions.

For William’s first birthday we have decided to make it a celebration and we have a new way to honor our son. Being as it’s the Christmas season and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it pass us by, our new tradition will be to flip the switch on our Christmas lights on his birthday.
Today I am working on my invitations for his birthday. We are inviting only our family. The kids (My niece and nephew) will join us. We are going to release some balloons and then have pizza for dinner, what else would you serve kids?! Then, when it gets dark we’ll flip the switch on the Christmas lights and wish our son a happy birthday.
It’s going to be a rough week. I know this I’m not prepared! I don’t think you can be prepared for the flood of emotion that comes your way. This week started out in a rough manner. It’s the last couple of weeks that I will be able to say, “this time last year, I was happy. I knew not of the terror that was coming my way. Our son was still with us.” This time last year I was looking forward to the gifts we’d receive for William. Even though he wasn’t going to be here yet, I knew some people were getting us things for him. Christmas last year was hard. I tried, I tried to be upbeat, but I was still in shock that we’d lost William.
I broke down last night, I want to be happy, and I’m tired of being mired down in grief. Yet in the same respects, I am feeling a sense of peace. I know and feel that William is in heaven. He has a lot of friends and family to keep him safe and warm and I know he knows how much we love him and miss him. The peace I feel also comes from the fact that I am still here, almost a year after losing our beautiful boy, I am still here. I get up, I do things, and I even on occasion feel alive. I owe all of this to my family and friends.
Yesterday, my friend S. called, she wanted me to write down a license plate number of a car that was scaring her as she was walking. I did, I stayed on the phone with her and she said, there’s a hawk that’s following us also. I just started giggling; I knew she’d be fine, the hawk, the hawk, was William, watching after my dear friend. I told her she’d be fine, I told her the hawk was William! She told me to tell him to stop scaring the s*** out of her. I laughed more, I have no control, he does what he pleases and he was looking out for her!
I shared this story with my Mom and as soon as I said hawk, her voice quivered and she said, “She was fine, William was there!” Yes, indeed he was!

Tomorrow night is the candle lighting for my support group. My friend T., will be there with her new baby, Drew (a girl!). I will ask to hold her, she will be the first baby I will hold since holding my tiny perfect son in my arms just shy of a year ago. It will be hard for me, and for her, but she understands my anxiety and joy mixed together. I can't wait to meet Drew, to hold her and hear her and smell her. Wish me luck, please, I don't want to freak out!
I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your posts, I’m in my own world this week and next, I hope to have some more energy to read and write to you all. I wish you all the best of holidays you can possibly have but most of all I wish you PEACE and LOVE!


Anonymous said...

You will be in my thoughts during this time. I know it's really tough, and that you will feel like you're moving backward for a while, but just let yourself get through it however feels best. You will be fine. You have done SO well already, and you have been so strong. Let yourself grieve him again, and know he is always with you.

~S said...

I think your plans for the birthday are perfect. I'm glad you figured out what to do, because I know that was causing you stress. Just be gentle with yourself for these next few weeks. And it's OK to cry...I know you said this morning that you are trying to hold it together, but sometimes it's OK to cry it out. Much to you in an hour! :-)

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I LOVE that birthday tradition you plan to start. What a special way to remember William. I also love the story with the hawk. Glad you are able to feel peace these days even though the pain of your loss is fresh in your heart and mind this week. Hugs.

janis said...

(((Amy))) Holding you close and fierce... it will not be easy but it will get through.
I love what you are planning to do. LOVE the lights idea.

It made me shudder to think you will be holding Drew. I still remember your post about it. I teared up thinking of the story, Drew and Andrew... so bittersweet! I hope you find comfort in it...

Holding you in my thoughts, Amy. xoxo

Cara said...

Oh Amy - you are making such a beautiful celebration for William Henry. I love all the pieces you are putting together to honor, to remember and to celebrate!

Holding the "first" baby after yours is a huge step. I will definately be thinking of you as you take it.


Aunt Becky said...

What a lovely way to celebrate William, Amy. Seriously, it's a perfect tribute to your perfect son.

I'm thinking of you and William today and always.

CLC said...

It sounds like a good way to celebrate William. I will look forward to seeing a picture of your tree after it is lit.

And I totally get everything else. I am in a weird spot too. Sometimes calm, sometimes crying, sometimes just wanting to move on. Take care.

c. said...

What a beautiful way to honour William, Amy, and to pay tribute to his short and beautiful life every year. Holding you and William so close to my heart in the coming weeks. XO.