Mixed emotions.

For William’s first birthday we have decided to make it a celebration and we have a new way to honor our son. Being as it’s the Christmas season and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it pass us by, our new tradition will be to flip the switch on our Christmas lights on his birthday.
Today I am working on my invitations for his birthday. We are inviting only our family. The kids (My niece and nephew) will join us. We are going to release some balloons and then have pizza for dinner, what else would you serve kids?! Then, when it gets dark we’ll flip the switch on the Christmas lights and wish our son a happy birthday.
It’s going to be a rough week. I know this I’m not prepared! I don’t think you can be prepared for the flood of emotion that comes your way. This week started out in a rough manner. It’s the last couple of weeks that I will be able to say, “this time last year, I was happy. I knew not of the terror that was coming my way. Our son was still with us.” This time last year I was looking forward to the gifts we’d receive for William. Even though he wasn’t going to be here yet, I knew some people were getting us things for him. Christmas last year was hard. I tried, I tried to be upbeat, but I was still in shock that we’d lost William.
I broke down last night, I want to be happy, and I’m tired of being mired down in grief. Yet in the same respects, I am feeling a sense of peace. I know and feel that William is in heaven. He has a lot of friends and family to keep him safe and warm and I know he knows how much we love him and miss him. The peace I feel also comes from the fact that I am still here, almost a year after losing our beautiful boy, I am still here. I get up, I do things, and I even on occasion feel alive. I owe all of this to my family and friends.
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Yesterday, my friend S. called, she wanted me to write down a license plate number of a car that was scaring her as she was walking. I did, I stayed on the phone with her and she said, there’s a hawk that’s following us also. I just started giggling; I knew she’d be fine, the hawk, the hawk, was William, watching after my dear friend. I told her she’d be fine, I told her the hawk was William! She told me to tell him to stop scaring the s*** out of her. I laughed more, I have no control, he does what he pleases and he was looking out for her!
I shared this story with my Mom and as soon as I said hawk, her voice quivered and she said, “She was fine, William was there!” Yes, indeed he was!

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Tomorrow night is the candle lighting for my support group. My friend T., will be there with her new baby, Drew (a girl!). I will ask to hold her, she will be the first baby I will hold since holding my tiny perfect son in my arms just shy of a year ago. It will be hard for me, and for her, but she understands my anxiety and joy mixed together. I can't wait to meet Drew, to hold her and hear her and smell her. Wish me luck, please, I don't want to freak out!
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I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your posts, I’m in my own world this week and next, I hope to have some more energy to read and write to you all. I wish you all the best of holidays you can possibly have but most of all I wish you PEACE and LOVE!