Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare


It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Today, I am.

I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.

Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.

The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.

I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.

We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.

I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.

More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.

20 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

This breaks my heart. I wish this was just a story and not the sad reality of what you went through a year ago. I know today will be tough, I hope you at least realize you have been a wonderful mother to William in the past year and have honored him well. Hugs.

yummysushipajamas said...

I am thinking of you even more today than usual. We all miss your sweet son.

c. said...

Holding you close, Amy, and thinking of William, always. XO.

janis said...

Thinking of you, Amy... and holding you and William close in my heart. xoxo

Betty Rubble said...

I think its wonderful that you are going to celebrate William.

Hugs

~S said...

Thinking of you and William, my sweet friend.

G$ said...

Oh Amy, you and William are in my heart and thoughts.

xo

k@lakly said...

Thinking of you and William and remembering all of the beautiful things you have done and said in the past year to remember and honor his life.
He will never be forgotten.
xxoo

Aunt Becky said...

He will never, ever be forgotten. I'm thinking of you, William and Shan today. Holding you all in my heart.

Just Me. said...

I have tears in my eyes. I have been thinking about you so much lately and wondering if you were doing ok. There are no words to tell you how I feel your pain but I just wanna say that I will continue having you in my prayers and that will be thinking of you today, as of everyday.

hugs *not letting go*

Julia said...

I am sorry.
Here to remember with you.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and William. He is missed. I am sorry he's not here with you, as he should be.

FattyPants said...

Happy birthday william.

I'm so sorry for your loss

mrsmuelly said...

Thinking of you, and Shan, and William today. I'm sure the celebration this weekend will be perfect.

Becky said...

Amy,
I found your blog through another, and just wanted to say that I will keep you, your husband, and your sweet William in my prayers.

twondra said...

I found you through L&F at Stirrups. I'm thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com

lauren said...

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sending lots of love and good energy to you and your family.

Tash said...

Sorry I missed this yesterday. Happy belated birthday, sweet William.

Thinking of you all this week, Amy. Will be thinking especially of the December losses on Sunday at my service. xo

Emily said...

Thinking of you...

Ange said...

Thinking of you so much today and the next few days Amy. We miss you little William.