I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.
Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.
The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.
I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.
We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.
I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.
More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.