Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Tiny pieces of me

We do this volunteer thing once a year, Shan and I. It's usually a lot of fun. We cook hot dogs and serve chili and talk to kids who are all dressed up for Halloween. It's Ghost Story night in the Nature Sanctuary. The high school kids make the scary trail and you hear screams of terror as people walk through on their way to the cabin for stories and hot chocolate. It's generally full of laughter and fun. This time last year I was four and a half months pregnant.

This time last year, I had pain shooting through my legs I stood too long. I had been serving, standing, talking, and freezing in the misty rain. When I arrived home, I couldn't move my legs. I sat in bed and thought, "isn't this great, now, not only am I pregnant, happily mind you, but I can't walk to go pee!" I wondered what was wrong. I asked the doctors, their reply was to say, nothing, nothing was wrong. Now, I think maybe sciatic pain, pinched nerve, hell, I don't know. It could have been anything. Anyhow, all of these memories of last year rushed back in and then, as if falling from the sky, I received another piece of me...I received pictures. Yes pictures of me serving at Ghost stories.

You see, I only have or should I say, had, yes, I only had two pictures of me with William while pregnant. Now, I have some more, no, you cannot truly tell that I am pregnant as you cannot see my belly that well. Yet the same it's another memory that I am grateful someone caught on film. So, thank you to Mr. Smith for catching me with our son on film.


I'm not sure why but lately, Lydia comes to mind. She was our nurse, or one of them that day, William's day. She had a heart of gold and tears to match. She will never know what a blessing she was to us that day, all the days to follow the rest of my life. .

My mind wanders, it thinks of the kindness of others. Lydia is kindness. That fateful day, the words she spoke, to William as she took him out of the room. The words she spoke. They resonate this day, "come on peanut, we'll be back." Yes, back they came but what she gave to me that day with those words was humanity. She truly had a compassion that I had never seen before. She treated William as though he were any baby she had helped to deliver. She never made me feel like a failure for not being able to keep him safe.

I haven't talked to her in a little over ten months time. I need to talk to her. To see how she is. I hope she remembers us, as we will always remember her.

Today, there is a tiny piece of me breaking away, that hardness that I once felt toward others. You know the happy ones, the ones that never had a problem. The planners in life that get to follow the plan. It's not their fault they have never been touched by this doom and gloom. Hell it's not our faults either. As Shan likes so much to remind me as I am crippled. Shit happens. Well, yes, my dear it sure does. Some of us, however, do not need this much shit in one lifetime.


I sat outside the other day. The air was cold and crisp. The dates seemed familiar, yet not at the same time. At the end November of 2002, I was separated from my husband. I had moved out. I was preparing for a trip to NY to see a dear friend. Things were actually all right. I was going to NY and when I came back getting my own apartment. My very own apartment! December came and I went to NY, I came back and lived in my apartment for approximately one month.

January 13, 2003, I was working and I went outside with friends for a smoke break. We talked of the snow falling and how many fractures there would be that day. We walked back in and wouldn't you know it, I was the first fracture of the day. I slid in a puddle of water with shoe covers on. I went down like a ton of bricks. I broke my left wrist and dislocated my left patella that day. I was laid up for 2 months. I couldn't drive for almost 3 months.

I had to stay with friends for those three months. One of which is Shan! I don't remember those three months being as torturous as these two months have been. Maybe that would be due to the fact that I was loaded on hydro for two straight months! Maybe it was because I couldn't move, couldn't lift my left arm or move my left leg. I was truly crippled then.

What did I gain from this "flashback?" Well, let's see, I gained the knowledge that yes, I can and will get through this. It won't have a lasting impact that wears me down consistently for days or years to come. I will move forward from this. This is something I can get over! Sad as that is that is a nice feeling. Something, I will get over!

I'm hoping that as I travel the road of grief, I gain more good pieces of myself, more memories, more love, more compassion. I know as my days pass and my friendships grow, I find more things I never knew I had in me. There are too many things to list but I find tiny pieces of me, starting to grow. There are the crumbled pieces of me starting to come together the old me moving ahead with the new me. I hope I can keep moving forward. I know I'll have my set backs, it's all right, I know now, I can get through them with a little help from my friends.


CLC said...

Very upbeat post Amy. Sounds like you are in a good place. You are right about so many things, it's just hard to remember them every day.

G$ said...

It's good to have a little clarity that the future isn't quite so dim, isn't it?


Cara said...

Pictures are such a blessing. I have one from Emma's pregnancy. I have one a month (at least) from the next girls.

Glad you received them.


janis said...

This is a beautiful post, Amy. You are glittering. ((hugs))

Aunt Becky said...

So glad to know you, Ames. And I promise that Lydia remembers you and William and Shan. I promise.

c. said...

You sound so incredibly hopeful, Amy. I wonder where you find it sometimes, because I'm more prepared to see the glass half empty.

I have pictures of me while pregnant with C hung up in our upstairs hallway. It dawned on me the other day, though, that these are not pictures of me, they are pictures of him, my son. I understand the 'pieces' thing you refer to. I understand it well, although somedays prefer not to.


k@lakly said...

I hope you find them to, more of the happy pieces, you deserve them.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful William. I just found your blog. I think this peaceful post is appreciated by many and you do a great job of relaying your feelings.