I am angry today. This is how my day started :
I arrive at the hospital after my 50 minute drive. I walk in to go change clothes and L, one of the scrub techs is rushing out the door, "I'm leaving, I'll be alright but I have to go." I ask her if she's really is alright and she says, "T., my husband just called and the baby (this is her grandchild)stopped breathing." My heart lurched and then I took a sigh. "My thoughts are with you." I said as she ran out the door. I went about my business and did my first case, in Out Patient Clinic. I came back, spoke to anesthesia to see what the hold up was and this was his reply, "L's grand daughter past away." "What, I knew she stopped breathing but, what?" "Yeah, there at her house." My heart lurched again, and I wanted to slap myself, how the fuck can the cup be half full all the time? I'm thinking my optimism needs to be stomped on! I thought as she left that everything would be just fine. The tears started rolling and another lady came to hug me, all I could say is, "God, NO, not another one!" T, the grand daughter was just past one year old. My thoughts and prayers go to this family today and for the rest of their lives. This journey is not an easy one and it's most definitely not one I wish on even my darkest enemy. L, I'm here if you need me or want me.
The anger is here now, good thing for counseling, I have an appointment this afternoon. If I could have stopped the world this morning I would have. It seems so inappropriate that the world keeps moving when we lose a child. I think I'll let the anger hang out awhile. I don't think it's so bad to be angry for another persons sake and for my own!
8 comments:
I am angry too. And I bow my head in prayer, only to lift it and shout it isn't fair.
and it isn't. It never will be.
I will remember the little girl - this is the only gift I can offer this family. The faint whispered prayers of someone who has walked this road.
Mrs. Spit,
Thank you so much. Tri.nit.y is the little girls name. I join you in the shout that it isn't fair. I join you in all the prayers I can. I am so sorry that any of us have to walk this path. No, no, it isn't fair.
That's bullshit. I'm angry too. Really fucking angry.
It isn't fair. Life isn't fair.
I hope your counseling went well today, Amy.
Remember that I'm lighting a candle for you every time in church.
xoxo.
Oh, Amy. That's truly heartbreaking. Life is so incredibly unfair and shitty and awful. I'm so sorry that there isn't a damn thing we can do to make it better. Holding Trin.it.y and her family close to my heart tonight.
Amy, that's so so awful. My heart goes out to your friend L. and her family. It isn't fucking fair. My heart's in my throat right now. I wish I could be *angry*er, but it's just so heartbreaking that this has to happen.
Sending my thoughts and love to you, Trinity, L., her parents, and all those who love her.
Just tried to post a comment, but blogger ate it.
You know how angry I am these days, and it doesn't seem to abate -- for just this reason. I can't find a way to accept all this without anger at god or the universe or the chaos of the universe, whatever it maybe.
It all f*cking sucks.
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.
I am so sorry to hear of yet another loss.
"I am angry today"
so strange you used those words, I have started SO MANY entries in my own journal with those four words.
I too am angry today.
My heart is with your and your friends family at such an awful time.
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