Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare


It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Friday, June 13, 2008

God bless America and all that's good and holy!

This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!

Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!

I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.

With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.

I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.

ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!

16 comments:

Coggy said...

Amy, you really are being put through the mill at the moment. Sometimes life really doesn't seem to let up, ever. I hope big Daddy's recovery goes smoothly.

I wish I could think of something to put a smile on your face, but life has been pretty boring this side of the pond. Working, working, oh and more working.

I'm glad you and Shan had the talk. It's important to make sure you are both on the same page. 6 months is not long at all, but I know how you feel it feels like a lifetime when you're waiting. I do believe you will get there, I really do Amy. Sending you big hugs x x x

Aunt Becky said...

Aw, Ames. Life's been cruel lately.

So, here's as close to a funny as I can get. One time, I was in the shower and all shampooed up when I realized that I'd forgotten the soap. Which was conveniently placed outside of the tub, juuuuust out of my reach. I contorted my body this way and that to try and reach the soap, right? (why I didn't just STEP OUT OF THE SHOWER, I'll probably never know).

You can see what happens next, right? I slip, fall, land on my back on the bottom of the tub. The soap is jangled loose by this and lands with a smack RIGHT ON MY CHEST.

I laughed for days.

STE said...

Amy, I'm really sorry things are so hard.

It's so complicated and everything is so loaded right now. I understand. Believe me, I understand.

Take your time. Come back when you are ready. Be gentle with yourself, and please, take care of yourself.

I'm really bad at jokes, but I'll come back when I have something good for you.

Angelisa said...

Oh Amy,

6 months is big in itself. I hope you do whatever it is you need to do to take extra special care of yourself. I'm sorry that there's so much that's hard and I wish I could do something to make life ease up a bit...

Speaking of which...I am just shite at jokes, so I don't have one right now....

But, I am sending you big (((hugs))), lots of love, and buckets full of "life, will ya give amy a break, please" thoughts....

Thinking of you xox

Ashleigh said...

i'm so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I'm hoping this break will be just what you need. you'll be missed

Tash said...

Six months is just . . . . gut wrenching. Not only in terms of what you could have right now, but what you've been through and how much more needs to pass. It's a really tough milestone. It does seem this week has been filled with some really universally crappy news, doesn't it.

Take the time you need, but know the community exists for you when you want to come back.

Thinking of you.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Oh Amy...who's gonna leave a comment on a blog to smile whenever you start your comment with P. *cuz that's my nick with my best friend*...i feel that i've just got to know you...but I understand...totally understand the break...

I not very good at any jokes but today my DH called me IDIOT! at the traffic light and i burst out laughing..i don't know why but it's just his stupid face when he said it..that's not really a joke..just wanted to tell you that I love my DH tho' he calls me an IDIOT! :) I'm weird like that.

I'll be thinking of you Amy..I really will..your blog has touched me big time and tho you need the break, i'll still be coming to your blog to check in on you...:)

big hugs and will be praying for you in church today.

ps'i say F all the time..except in church and on your blog! :)'

mrsmuelly said...

Thinking of you and Shan on William's 6 month. I know it's so hard.

Hmm, something funny...I'm going to an 80's party tonight and one of our male friends is choosing to wear a fishnet tank top. Think about that for a minute - a 40 something, farmer tanned, beer drinking man in fishnet across his chest. Oh yeah, I'm excited!

CLC said...

Amy- I have been thinking about you and William all weekend. I hope he is enjoying heaven with my one. Much love and peace to you. We will be here whenever you are ready to come back.

STE said...

Well, I don't have any good jokes for you, but I did want to say that I'm thinking about you and your little boy. I so wish he were here with you. c

HLHArts said...

I am so here for you if there is anything I can do. I don't know if there is much I can say to make you feel better, but know that I am thinking of you and hoping you have the chance to try again sometime soon.

Julia said...

Six months is a terribly hard milestone. For me, it was when I realized that though in the very beginning six months seemed like very far away, in reality it was nothing. And all the pain that was still there, and so very raw.
Take your time, and please be kind to yourself.
There is a candle at my blog for you and yours.

janis said...

Amy, big big hugs to you!!
This is rough, hard, mean and cruel.
Holding you in my thoughts. Much love xoxo

Ange said...

Amy...am often thinking of you and little William. Please be kind to yourself and am here if you want to talk anytime. We all care about you I know this journey is just so tiring...

lifecanbeashit said...

HUGE, HUGE, HUGE hugs to you.

Hugs
xxx

Beth said...

Amy, you are in my thoughts & prayers. I pray for the strength for you & Shan to get through this & move on to the life you both long for.