This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!
Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!
I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.
With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.
I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.
ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!