To believe or not to believe

It's been a week, a weekend, whatever. It's been yet another time spent without our son. We have so much going on. Although I know some don't believe in Ps.y.chic Me.d.i.um.s, I do and so does Shan. We went to see Jo.h.n E.dwar.d with my Mom Saturday. Yes, in a frenzy 4 weeks out from delivering William, his show was the only that I could watch and feel calm even at the mention of babies. So, when I knew he was coming to town, I shelled out the big bucks for three tickets, Mom, me and Shan!



Shan, didn't want to go. He was scared that something might happen, he'd find out something about his health (read: petrified semi hypochondriac!). When J.E. said, I'm getting l.u.ng ca.nce.r and a mother figure, and a C or K name. I froze, I reached across my mother and tapped Shan, it's you. He shook his head no. It was for the ladies in front of us. There is a part of me that begs to differ, see Shan's sister's name starts with a C. and his mom died of lu.ng ca.n.c.er. But, the lady in front of us spoke up. Our stories were similar. Very similar. The next was a lady who had lost a child, was this a baby asked J.E. Tears, streaming down my face the lady couldn't speak, just nodding her head and nothing else was said by her. J.E. said the baby is fine, with other family. My Mom, nudged me and we both cried.



All afternoon stories coincided with ours, so many children no longer with their families. Yes, I know, we all believe what we want to. I choose to believe in spirits and the spirit world. It was a very interesting time to be had by all. There were so many connections made and even a little boy in the audience was "contacted" by his Grandpa. That was what took all of our breaths away. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the place. All in all it was a fun experience and yes, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Now, I started working out last week! I joined the Y and went everyday except yesterday and today. That's not bad, it's not good either. My ass hurts, literally and my back and my arms and my neck and every other part on my body. I was starting to get mad about all of this though. I can handle the pain but where the eff was Aunt Flo? Why was she being so untimely? No, I can guarantee I was not pregnant, foam and "rubber duckies." No, breaks, no misses...not pregnant. So, why was my cycle delayed? Don't have a clue but I started yesterday which means, I can have my "final" test before we TTC again. I have to call tomorrow to schedule my HSG. I'm scared and excited and a bit on edge.

What will this mean for my future, for our future? Am I ready to try? Do I even want to go there yet? My answers are actually very simple, A baby that lives and survives birth and life. Yes. And yes. Before I actually wrote this down, I was thinking this is all wishful thinking. I mean is the 3rd try going to be the charm? Seriously, my charm is my son who isn't here. Am I ready for this, this scary unknown, the fear, the anxiety without drugs? That one I can't answer.

I do know that I want a baby but the other fear I have is this, I know you all support me but I am scared to go to the other side. The side of pregnancy after loss. The side of not having all of you there to walk me through it because it'll be too hard for you to read about. What's even more strange is that IRL I don't give a shit. But here, in blogland, I am petrified to hurt anyone.
I want nothing more than to have each and everyone of you holding my hand, with the anxiety of mine and pregnant too. I know, now I am asking too much, can you all get knocked up and join me? Selfish, I know but it is my hope that each of us can hold the ultimate gift in our arms someday in the future, preferably, say ten and a half months from now, a living, breathing, healthy child, who stays with us until our dying day. Oh, and yes, our dying day cannot come for at the very least another say fifty five years! How does this suit you all?

My sarcasm shining through here, but the truth is I am scared of feeling as though I am turning my back on you all by TTC and actually conceiving and carrying a healthy one. Then again, I am scared of turning my back on William to do all of this.

I think in typing this I just got my answer...I feel as though I haven't given William his just dues but I hope he'll understand should I decide to take a leap of faith. I guess I need to believe rather than not believe that all will be alright. That we all will be alright.