Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Saturday, May 3, 2008

To believe or not to believe

It's been a week, a weekend, whatever. It's been yet another time spent without our son. We have so much going on. Although I know some don't believe in Ps.y.chic, I do and so does Shan. We went to see Jo.h.n E.dwar.d with my Mom Saturday. Yes, in a frenzy 4 weeks out from delivering William, his show was the only that I could watch and feel calm even at the mention of babies. So, when I knew he was coming to town, I shelled out the big bucks for three tickets, Mom, me and Shan!

Shan, didn't want to go. He was scared that something might happen, he'd find out something about his health (read: petrified semi hypochondriac!). When J.E. said, I'm getting ca.nce.r and a mother figure, and a C or K name. I froze, I reached across my mother and tapped Shan, it's you. He shook his head no. It was for the ladies in front of us. There is a part of me that begs to differ, see Shan's sister's name starts with a C. and his mom died of But, the lady in front of us spoke up. Our stories were similar. Very similar. The next was a lady who had lost a child, was this a baby asked J.E. Tears, streaming down my face the lady couldn't speak, just nodding her head and nothing else was said by her. J.E. said the baby is fine, with other family. My Mom, nudged me and we both cried.

All afternoon stories coincided with ours, so many children no longer with their families. Yes, I know, we all believe what we want to. I choose to believe in spirits and the spirit world. It was a very interesting time to be had by all. There were so many connections made and even a little boy in the audience was "contacted" by his Grandpa. That was what took all of our breaths away. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the place. All in all it was a fun experience and yes, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Now, I started working out last week! I joined the Y and went everyday except yesterday and today. That's not bad, it's not good either. My ass hurts, literally and my back and my arms and my neck and every other part on my body. I was starting to get mad about all of this though. I can handle the pain but where the eff was Aunt Flo? Why was she being so untimely? No, I can guarantee I was not pregnant, foam and "rubber duckies." No, breaks, no misses...not pregnant. So, why was my cycle delayed? Don't have a clue but I started yesterday which means, I can have my "final" test before we TTC again. I have to call tomorrow to schedule my HSG. I'm scared and excited and a bit on edge.

What will this mean for my future, for our future? Am I ready to try? Do I even want to go there yet? My answers are actually very simple, A baby that lives and survives birth and life. Yes. And yes. Before I actually wrote this down, I was thinking this is all wishful thinking. I mean is the 3rd try going to be the charm? Seriously, my charm is my son who isn't here. Am I ready for this, this scary unknown, the fear, the anxiety without drugs? That one I can't answer.

I do know that I want a baby but the other fear I have is this, I know you all support me but I am scared to go to the other side. The side of pregnancy after loss. The side of not having all of you there to walk me through it because it'll be too hard for you to read about. What's even more strange is that IRL I don't give a shit. But here, in blogland, I am petrified to hurt anyone.
I want nothing more than to have each and everyone of you holding my hand, with the anxiety of mine and pregnant too. I know, now I am asking too much, can you all get knocked up and join me? Selfish, I know but it is my hope that each of us can hold the ultimate gift in our arms someday in the future, preferably, say ten and a half months from now, a living, breathing, healthy child, who stays with us until our dying day. Oh, and yes, our dying day cannot come for at the very least another say fifty five years! How does this suit you all?

My sarcasm shining through here, but the truth is I am scared of feeling as though I am turning my back on you all by TTC and actually conceiving and carrying a healthy one. Then again, I am scared of turning my back on William to do all of this.

I think in typing this I just got my answer...I feel as though I haven't given William his just dues but I hope he'll understand should I decide to take a leap of faith. I guess I need to believe rather than not believe that all will be alright. That we all will be alright.


CLC said...

People will still be here if you get pregnant. That should not be a worry for you. I hope it doesn't take too long, and I really really hope that it is successful this time around. 3rd time is a charm, right?

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I LOVE John Edwards! I "believe", big time. I tried to see him one time, but couldn't get in. I think it is so amazing that you went to see him. And you know what he one goes there by accident. I believe that there were messages for you, even if it appeared that they were for other people.
As for the TTC...go for it. Get yourself knocked up. I will be thrilled for you. I would love for you to have a happy and healthy pregnancy, and I think that whenever you have that baby, William will be so happy for you, too. He will be the guardian angel.

k@lakly said...

Life after a dead baby can not just be about dead baby's. You might as well curl up and die. I think it is great you are making plans and are ready to ttc. I hope it works and works fast! And if it does, I will be here for you, count on it:)

c. said...

This is a very sweet post, Amy. I felt the same way when I was barely pregnant; scared that I would hurt people with news of a maybe-baby (which turned into no-baby when all was said and done). I think it's somewhat different hearing a deadbaby mama is pregnant than someone who has never experienced this type of loss and pain. I won't pretend envy doesn't play a does, but in a different way.

I hope you get pregnant, and that a subsequent pregnancy comes without issue and you are lucky enough to reach the final goal: A LIVE, BREATHING BABY. I wish it for all of us out here who want it because I think we deserve something good after all of this hurt. And know that, whatever crazy emotions I might feel, I will absolutely be here to hold your hand and walk you through what will very likely be a very difficult 9 months because you have been here for me, holding my hand in grief. It's the least I can do. XO.

Becky said...

I love John Edwards too. We went to see Lisa Williams a couple weeks ago and she was good, but no John Edwards!

I think at some point you need to take the leap. You need to move forward in whatever capacity that may be. And if, for you, TTC again is moving's something that you need to do. I felt the same was as you, it's like jumping off of a bridge and hoping to land safely at the bottom.

I also had the same fears as you about becoming pregnant again and loosing my 'blog' friends. But it didn't happen, or at least I hope it didn't happen. I emailed particular people privately before I posted publicly and it probably helped me a lot more than them.

And I can tell you, through my experience, the 3rd time IS the charm.

Brenda said...

I really do understand that feeling of guilt. I had/have it with this pregnancy. That is why I have password protected my pg posts. So they are not in the face of those who dont want to know about my pregnancy.
I will still be reading when you get pg again. :)

As for John Edwards, well when he came to Australia a few years ago i went. I love his show. i am not 100% sure if what people like him do is true. I just dont know. But what I really and truly believe is this ..... If going to see someone like JE's makes a person feel better and gives them some comfort then I dont think there is anything wrong with it. True or not true.
Sometimes we need to hear that our loved ones are ok and that they are still with us. Thats all it takes to give us some comfort. Whats wrong with that??
So if people like JE's are all fake, but they are making people feel better, thats ok with me.


Aunt Becky said...

You know I'll be holding your hand, if I'm pregnant or not.