Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bits and pieces

I’m not sure where to start or where to end for that matter. Sunday was the service at the hospital. It was a small service, for EVERYONE, who had lost ANYONE. Not just babies. However, we were the only ones there who had lost our baby. Everyone else had lost someone older…much, much, older. It was a nice service; my Niece and Nephew joined my sister, my Mother, Shan and myself. It was nice for them all to be there. I cried, a lot, especially when Shan spoke Williams full name in remembrance. It was the first time I have heard him say his full name, the first time, in a long time that he has even uttered,” William.” We left the service after having cookies and punch and went down the hill to the “infant memorial,” I had brought with me two purple iris from my yard; my mom brought a dozen white roses. We placed them together in the vase on the stone. I cried when the kids placed some of the roses and said nice things like, “William, even though you are dead, you will always be our cousin.” How blunt yet sweet from a five year old. And then there was, “William, we would have had so much fun with you and you with us.” That one from the nephew! I wailed, I think that’s the best way to put it. We then all went for a walk on the trail and watched the kids play and read all of the memorial plaques along the way on the trees and benches. It was sad, it was hard, it gave me a little (in tiny print!) closure. I miss our son; I miss him more than words can even begin to say. I am angry, I am sad; I am hurt that he is not here.

Today, I had to go to the grocery store the list read something like this:

*Dog food/treats/canned
*Cat food dry/treats

I went up and down the aisles checked off all of the items until I came to the tampon aisle. I couldn’t buy the tampons, oh no, not me, I had to buy the 2 pack EPT. For good luck, for wishful thinking, I’m not sure why. They’ll sit in a drawer for at least 2 weeks and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll pull one out and see. I’m sure it’ll be negative but hell, in this life I live you just never know.

This part is for Antigone, I know it’s rough, I know it’s hard, I am thinking of you everyday. I am keeping all my happy, good thoughts rolling your way that this one will make it. I know it’ll never be Henry, but maybe, just maybe a piece of him will come back to you. I’m wishing you peace my dear, and sending you mighty big hugs!

To everyone else, you know how this goes; I’m thinking of you all and hoping for only the best and sending you lots of love and peace!


k@lakly said...

I'll be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. The service and your nieces and nephews words sound beautiful and sweet. You are lucky your family supports you and loves you and your William Henry, so much.

Beth said...

Amy, I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I hope with time you are able to find a little bit of peace and closure. You are in my thoughts.

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

It's hard, losing someone you love so much. I lost my mum when I was 8years old. Can't remember much of her but I have some fond memories of her and I can still feel her love for me. I just wanted to drop by and tell you I know that I can't take away your pain but I'd like to dedicate one of my favourite poems to you:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom.

Big hugs and I'll be thinking of you.

CLC said...

I hope you get the + sign in 2 weeks. Maybe it will give you back some hope. I'm sorry William isn't here.

Aunt Becky said...

If I can't hold onto a pregnancy to save my life anymore, I'm going to channel every single ounce of energy into your uterus. Does that sound weird?

*hugs to you all*

c. said...

I hope that test turns up something good, Amy.

It sounds as though the service was beautiful, albeit difficult. So happy you had an opportunity to recognize William's impact in your life. There will never be enough opportunities for this. XO.

Coggy said...

Good luck Amy. I do hope that you don't need the tampons at all for another 9 months. x x x x

Antigone said...

Thank you, A. You've been so incredibly supportive - even when I stay in my cave.

I want whatever you want for yourself.

G said...

You have been so quiet lately. I hope you are doing ok. Thinking about you...

Carole said...

{{Amy}} Please know that I'm thinking of you. It touches me and makes me sad at the same time to see my neices and nephews at Joseph's grave.

Anonymous said...

Big hugs to you