I’m not sure where to start or where to end for that matter. Sunday was the service at the hospital. It was a small service, for EVERYONE, who had lost ANYONE. Not just babies. However, we were the only ones there who had lost our baby. Everyone else had lost someone older…much, much, older. It was a nice service; my Niece and Nephew joined my sister, my Mother, Shan and myself. It was nice for them all to be there. I cried, a lot, especially when Shan spoke Williams full name in remembrance. It was the first time I have heard him say his full name, the first time, in a long time that he has even uttered,” William.” We left the service after having cookies and punch and went down the hill to the “infant memorial,” I had brought with me two purple iris from my yard; my mom brought a dozen white roses. We placed them together in the vase on the stone. I cried when the kids placed some of the roses and said nice things like, “William, even though you are dead, you will always be our cousin.” How blunt yet sweet from a five year old. And then there was, “William, we would have had so much fun with you and you with us.” That one from the nephew! I wailed, I think that’s the best way to put it. We then all went for a walk on the trail and watched the kids play and read all of the memorial plaques along the way on the trees and benches. It was sad, it was hard, it gave me a little (in tiny print!) closure. I miss our son; I miss him more than words can even begin to say. I am angry, I am sad; I am hurt that he is not here.
Today, I had to go to the grocery store the list read something like this:
*Cat food dry/treats
I went up and down the aisles checked off all of the items until I came to the tampon aisle. I couldn’t buy the tampons, oh no, not me, I had to buy the 2 pack EPT. For good luck, for wishful thinking, I’m not sure why. They’ll sit in a drawer for at least 2 weeks and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll pull one out and see. I’m sure it’ll be negative but hell, in this life I live you just never know.
This part is for Antigone, I know it’s rough, I know it’s hard, I am thinking of you everyday. I am keeping all my happy, good thoughts rolling your way that this one will make it. I know it’ll never be Henry, but maybe, just maybe a piece of him will come back to you. I’m wishing you peace my dear, and sending you mighty big hugs!
To everyone else, you know how this goes; I’m thinking of you all and hoping for only the best and sending you lots of love and peace!