Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I'm not ever going to be the person I was before December 10, 2007.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find the first comment rather sad as I, rather liked the person I was before that day.

I was rounding out (belly and all), I used to be a dreamer, I had gotten over what I considered major hurtles.

Now, my major hurtle includes getting out of bed, trying to smile, trying to move as I call it sideways.

I am now depressed (situational of course!), I cry a lot, I cannot relate to others, even my childless friends.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I used to be highly optimistic and now I find pessimism, something I despise setting in.

I can't even have 2 beers (which yes, I can have them now!) without getting sad and saying things I do not mean.

I can't look at car seat carriers or little boys with their parents, or babies at all.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find myself covering my eyes and ears when someone says, "She has gone back to school to get her GED, she's 18, and she is pregnant, she doesn't even talk to the dad."

I cannot be happy for those that don't want children and yet have them. I am jealous and wonder why this happened to us.

I hear a song and have to shut off the radio, every song I hear no matter how happy deals with loss in my ears.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I want so bad to hold my son, to tell him that I love him to his sweet little face. I want to hear him say, Mama and Dada.

I want so bad for the fear to go away, the fear that I will never find "normal" again. The fear that I cannot smile without it feeling fake.

I want so bad, to go back to December 9, 2007. When I was blissfully ignorant. When I thought nothing bad would happen to us.

I want so bad to smile, laugh, and make comments on how we would reprimand Will.


I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.


HLHArts said...

You will not be the person you once were, but if you try you will find a new person who is pretty likable as well. The basic bits of who you are are still there. Now sadness is one of the forces that has shaped you as well. It will always be with you, but I believe that over time it becomes more like a major scar. You can see it, you can feel it, but it no longer hurts so much... it no longer bleeds or keeps you from moving.

You do lose a lot of ability to relate to previous friends, but the really good ones will stick around, wait you out, and be there on the other side.

Little boys will hit you hard for a very long time, but even that will soften and you will begin to feel a tiny touch of happiness for that family and their baby.

I know just what you mean about the feeling toward people who have children they don't want though. One of my sisters has a child that she never wanted, and now treats poorly. Because of that, I no longer speak to her at all. I just can't.

I don't know what you believe in terms of heaven or afterlife, and I do not want to press my own beliefs on you at all... however, I will say that I believe you WILL hold your son again one day. I know that is hardly a comfort right now, but maybe it can be something that provides you some small measure of hope?

The fear WILL begin to fade as well, as long as you really want it to. It will begin to go away. You will begin to feel normal again, though that normalcy will take some time to set in because normal is different than it once was...

I am sorry if I talk to much. Please tell me if you would rather I not comment, or at least not in this way. I just know how you feel. I remember feeling exactly this way, and things are getting better. I believe they can for everyone.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss, but I do believe that with some work it is possible to get to the point where your loss is balanced by a sense of peace, of feeling blessed for having ever known your son.....

Amy said...

Thank you for the comment, it is perfectly fine to comment!
I have been searching for your blog and I can't connect, would love to know who you are. Again, thank you and I hope you are right, I hope to hold my little man again.

Amy said...

To hlharts:
never mind, I figured out who you are! Thank you again for the comments and your blog! A