or yet another day...it's 12;30 am...nerves have kicked in. Shan is not home and I am tired but don't want to go to bed. I think about William every second. I miss my son and wonder if he really knows how I feel. I have anger building and it's not directed toward any one thing or person.
For those that do not know it I am a grudge holder. I'm not sure where I got it from but I do, I hold grudges. Some things said to me recently have hit me wrong. We are not equipped with good things to say in my situation but sometimes some people just shouldn't say anything!
I'm sorry works best although my response right now will more than likely be...You're sorry for what? What did you have to do with it. I know you are sorry for my loss, if you are not then you are insensitive and shouldn't talk to anyone ever! Of course, it's what we are taught to say, so I guess I will grin and bear it if you say you are sorry for my loss. I will try to say thank you.
I'm not angry with God, I'm angry with Mother Nature I am one of her biggest fans and yet I feel as though she has let me down. My favorite womenly thing, my freakin' period returned, when you ask, oh, let's see one month to the day that William was born! Why thank you for the reminder that my son is no longer where he belongs, inside of me but already here and yet already gone! How cold, what did I ever do to you, Mother Nature? So I kill bugs, they're gross, I know that they have families too but I don't honestly think about them, is that why you did this to me?
Oh, yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, grief makes you crazy! Not insanely crazy just a little off kilter crazy...you say things you never thought you would and do things you never thought you would. Like talking to Mother Nature on a blog!
I read a blog of another Mother in my shoes, she had said that she wanted to go dig up her son just to hold him. Now others might find that strange but I don't. I totally understand. The physical holding of your child is so calming. Even as I held Williams lifeless body, I was at peace. I have yet to actually feel that deep peace again...I've come close being outside seeing nature at its finest. (See, Mother Nature I still find your beauty event though you are on my s... list!)
But, I have yet to find that peace of course mind you I'm not that far out...just over a month.
Wow, I lost my son over a month ago, where the heck does time go? What is time and why do we have it? Crazy mom rambling here, get used to it! I have a feeling there is a lot more to come!
My sweet William, I miss you and hope to hold you in my dreams, to smell your skin and feel your hand in mine. I will see you in my dreams, come join me and we'll talk, I can sing to you and tell you how much I love you.