I wish that were true! Sometimes, I just need to write about him or my thoughts so that's why I started this blog!
The counselor said to try to put my thoughts aside and honor them at the end of the day. I did that yesterday. When asked if I had my baby yet, I said yes, but he was born still so...and I left it at that. The person that asked said, not that it's any consolation but your young, you can try again. Instead of saying my rude comment like: How the hell do you know and it wouldn't help matters I want my son dammit. I held it in until I got in the car and then I cried on the way home!
On a better note, I have my tickets to see John Edward who has given me my only peace via the boob tube! I am coaxing Shan into going for my selfish reasons! I want his Mom to come through and tell us that she is holding our little man! He, however is afraid she'll say things he doesn't want to hear! I don't believe that is how it works but I guess we will wait and see! Mr. Edward doesn't come here until May so I figure that is enough time to do the coaxing!
Mr. Edward is the one of the reasons that I have yet to say, "my son is dead." I just don't think of him as being dead, I feel him around me everyday, I truly believe that he is why I get out of bed everyday. That and the fact that Shan just can't be quiet! I know that William, (name meaning: Determined Guardian) is watching over me and pulling me through my crap days.
Of course everyday is a crap day and they seem to get longer and time seems to be standing still. I try to smile, forcing the happiness but I can only take one hour at a time. I need to shower as I stink but that takes so much energy and I just don't know that I have it in me. My sweat pants could I think stand on their own if given the chance and a bra, what the hell is that?
I think I will try to put posting aside for a day or two, but I seem to be addicted to this stupid computer! Maybe it's because of the heartfelt words I get from other bloggers or my co-dependent ways of checking in on others. I'm not sure.
I realize now that I am blabbering and need to stop as not to embarrass myself, blabbering is part of the grief, it just gives me diarreah of the mouth and hands! So, I will end this now! Good luck on your weekends and may peace be with all of you!