Note: I am doing this in parts because it gets difficult to tell sometimes...
Monday, December 10, 2007
Normal check up, I had just gone to monthly check ups so I figured this would be normal...
I went to the Doctors office by myself. Usual weigh in (gained 3 lbs.) I thought o.k. I'm supposed to I'm pregnant! Pee in the cup and wait! I finally get taken to my room (room 9), blood pressure normal, check for Williams heart rate. Nurse can't find it, "it's sometimes hard, he sits low" I say. She checks again, " I can't find it, let me get someone else," she says. Another nurse comes in..."I think we need to get an ultrasound," she says. We go across the hall, "your last pregnancy was it an early miscarriage?", "yes" I say "I was only 7 weeks." I didn't think much of the comment until I got in the ultrasound room, "Hi, Amy, let's see what we can see."
"Just find him, please just find my son." I say. "O.K., lay back, let's see what we can do."
She squirts the gel, and starts looking, she looks up and says, "Amy, it's not good news, his heart is not beating." "Let me get Dr.T." I'm thinking Dr. T, I'm with Dr. R, get Dr.R. In walks Dr. R, "I'm sorry", she says to me. " What did you see?" She says to the sonographer. "There is no amniotic fluid and his heart is not beating." This was hushedly spoken of between the 2 of them. I was trying to talk to Shan and tell him, that I lost our baby, I didn't know what happened his heart, it just stopped. I handed the phone to the sonographer to talk to Shan. " So, what does this mean?, Can I have other babies?" "This had nothing to do with your cervix"(I had pre cancerous cells and a cold knife cone the year before)"We wait 2 months and try again." Hindsight is 20/20 what a cold comment I just lost my baby! "Where do we go from here?" I say. "We can go ahead and send you up to Labor and Delivery and induce labor or you can wait until I'm on call again which would be Thursday." "I need to wait, I need to go home and make phone calls, I need to wait." "O.k., let's get some blood work and then if you are o.k.
to drive, are you o.k. to drive, can someone come and get you?" "No, you don't understand, I'm on call, Shan has to work, the snow is coming and he plows streets, there is no choice, I'll be o.k. to drive, I promise. " I drive home crying and trying to figure out what all just happened. I walk in the door and Shan is at the top of the stairs, I fall into his arms crying and saying "I'm so sorry." I am so sorry, I don't know why this happened and I try to wrap my head around it, Shan waits for Wayne (surrogate father, roomate) to get home. Wayne comes in walks to me with teary eyes and says, "I don't know what to say, I don't understand." He hugs me and I say, "I don't understand either." Shan leaves for work and I am left with Wayne to try to process, I go to bed and try to sleep but thoughts keep bounding in. Sleep is just not happening, I make my phone calls and try to explain. Sleep finally comes.