I will never know. I went to my perinatology consult, I'm not actually sure why I went to be honest. It's not as though I am going to try to have another baby. The only thing I want is my son and that's just not going to happen.
I went anyhow, they will run genetics testing on both of us. Yeah, can't wait to see those results! Genetics is something that creeps me out anyhow. Maybe it's just because all of it seems so foreign to me.
I am angry with everyone that can have living children. I couldn't even avert my eyes from my water bottle while sitting in the waiting room today. The one pregnant person who came in I couldn't bear to look at.
I guess I haven't figured out that I am just not ready for any of this. I keep thinking that William is still with me. I have yet to come to grips with the reality of it all. My son is gone, I know that yet, I don't think I really KNOW that! That makes no sense at all does it?
I want to find the way back to the days before this happened and find a way to fix it. Everything seems so pointless now and I can't seem to find the want to do anything. I have to force myself to do the dishes or clean the house. Hell I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm not finding it easier, it seems to get harder.
I have nothing positive to say today so maybe I will just leave it all alone for now. Maybe I will find something positive tomorrow.