Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Why I torture myself...

I will never know. I went to my perinatology consult, I'm not actually sure why I went to be honest. It's not as though I am going to try to have another baby. The only thing I want is my son and that's just not going to happen.

I went anyhow, they will run genetics testing on both of us. Yeah, can't wait to see those results! Genetics is something that creeps me out anyhow. Maybe it's just because all of it seems so foreign to me.

I am angry with everyone that can have living children. I couldn't even avert my eyes from my water bottle while sitting in the waiting room today. The one pregnant person who came in I couldn't bear to look at.

I guess I haven't figured out that I am just not ready for any of this. I keep thinking that William is still with me. I have yet to come to grips with the reality of it all. My son is gone, I know that yet, I don't think I really KNOW that! That makes no sense at all does it?

I want to find the way back to the days before this happened and find a way to fix it. Everything seems so pointless now and I can't seem to find the want to do anything. I have to force myself to do the dishes or clean the house. Hell I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm not finding it easier, it seems to get harder.

I have nothing positive to say today so maybe I will just leave it all alone for now. Maybe I will find something positive tomorrow.


c. said...

There are just too many days that there isn't anything positive to say. I've had many. I'll have more. Thinking of you, Amy.

Antigone said...

I'm going in to my OB for my 2 wk appt. I'm looking forward to starting the testing but I'm scared to death of going in and seeing pregnant women or newly minted mothers.

I don't know how we all keep moving forward or trying to