then kick 'em again!
So my day wasn't the only bad one! I get back from the grocery store and Shan says, " I don't know if I should tell you, I don't know if you can handle it." "What?," I say. "D & L came in with their new baby today." "How did you do?," I say looking scared at the same time and tearing up.
"I looked at her but I couldn't look at her face, I saw those little fingers moving and..." tears welling up. My poor Shan had to face a baby that wasn't his and it broke his heart and mine to hear of it. The conversation pretty much stopped there except for me saying how sorry I was that my body didn't keep our son safe. We cried together and hugged each other.
I know I shouldn't fault these people they wanted to share their happiness but man, why in front of Shan? I know I would have gotten up and walked clean out of the room saying obscenities to boot.
Of course we know I can't be happy for others and yet that is not my true being. I am finding it hard not to send a card to these people but I know that if I were to write one it would say something like: "Woo hoo happy for you, Boo hoo my baby is not alive!" You know why should I send something happy for someone when I myself am just not there?! Yet knowing me as I do so well, I will call the local floral shop and have them send a plant, let someone else write the damned card, cause coming from me it just won't be happy!
Why do others happy things have to get in the way of my grief?!