Tuesday morning comes...I'm not sure what I'm feeling, I believe I am hoping beyond hope to feel him move, please William move.
My sister, Becky calls, gives me a name of a friend of hers who has lossed a baby at full term to stillbirth. Do I call? I call, I talk to her and get suggestions and advice on what to do...not once does she say what not to do, she is very friendly and helps me through. Tuesday is a day of hope.
Shan is at work as it's snowing and he of course plows streets, no back up crew...trying to get through this horrible time. Wednesday morning comes Shan comes home early, he's finally told everyone at work. "We can go in early if you want, it's up to you," he says. I am thinking that I am putting off the inevitable and I guess we should go in. I call the hospital birthing center, "Hi, this is Amy Lang, I am scheduled to come in and deliver my stillborn son, I have not yet have birthing classes and I don't know what to bring, can you tell me what to bring?" The voice on the other side is so sweet, I can hear it starting to shake, "I am so sorry, you might bring a blanket, one you have picked out for the baby, a camera, personal items, we'll do what we can to make you comfortable. What time do you think you will be here?" I tell her I have other questions first, "Who is the doctor on call?, I don't like some of the doctors and I need to know who will be there. " I say. " I understand, she says, Dr. Olhausen and I can tell you he will take good care of you." "That's fine," I say, "It will be more like 2:00 today, I need to take a shower and pack our bags." " We'll see you when you get here," she says.
I go tell Shan that I am going to take a shower and pack our bags. I pick out a blanket that I had picked out for my new baby, and I grab his first stuffed animal purchased for him by his cousins. I pack his first ornament grab the camera and stuff all of it in a bag. I go take a shower and get dressed. We leave for the hospital.
We arrive, I'm alright, we go in and check in, "you'll be in room 302, go through the doors and go on in, someone will meet you there shortly." We go in and a nurse greets us, gives me a hug and asks me to change into a gown. "Lydia will be right in." I'm thinking that's good, she's the one that I talked to on the phone. It gives me a little comfort. We get settled and Lydia comes in, she gives both of us hugs and tells us she's sorry, is there anything she can do? " A miracle,"I say. She smiles and says we can hope. The doctor comes in and asks what he can do. Again, I say "give me a miracle." "You'll make sure that there is nothing else we can do right?" "Let's get the ultrasound machine in here and see what we can see," he says. There is no heartbeat...my baby is gone. It's all starting to come together now, I lost my son. "I'm so sorry," says the doctor and he explains what they will do from here. They will start induction of labor with vaginal suppositories (oh, yeah!) I can have whatever I want for pain, and I can have all the liquids I want. He leaves and they start induction, 2 Cytotek( I think) pills every 4 hours. This is about 2:30pm.