Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I never put much thought to it, but the following poem seems so fitting.

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe, (Me)
Thursday's child has far to go. (William)
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,(Shan)
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,Is fair and wise and good and gay.

If you'll notice I put our names by our days. Me, full of Woe, like I said I might as well be Eeyore. William, my darling, you did have far to go, you had 15 more weeks. Shan, doesn't know anything other than work, it's what he throws himself into.

I hate that it seems so fitting now as I wish I had a different day to put with all of us! I wish I was Monday or Tuesday, I wish William was any other day but Wednesday or Thursday. Shan can stick with his day it's fine and true. At least his doesn't have a bad conotation behind it. It seems like the middle of the week just sucks. I don't like Mondays or Wednesdays anymore and I hate Thursdays. If William had lived this would not be so hurtful but he's not here and it does hurt.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I feel like Eeyore

and I sound like piglet. I wish I could sound like Eeyore then maybe everyone around me would get how I feel on a regular basis. I feel this way hour by hour. Yet my voice doesn't reflect my sadness so some think I "sound good" or "you must be doing better."

Once again people, I am not doing better I lost my son, I will never be "normal" again. So let me make it easy for everyone, remember, I FEEL LIKE EEYORE, WOES ME!

Why I torture myself...

I will never know. I went to my perinatology consult, I'm not actually sure why I went to be honest. It's not as though I am going to try to have another baby. The only thing I want is my son and that's just not going to happen.

I went anyhow, they will run genetics testing on both of us. Yeah, can't wait to see those results! Genetics is something that creeps me out anyhow. Maybe it's just because all of it seems so foreign to me.

I am angry with everyone that can have living children. I couldn't even avert my eyes from my water bottle while sitting in the waiting room today. The one pregnant person who came in I couldn't bear to look at.

I guess I haven't figured out that I am just not ready for any of this. I keep thinking that William is still with me. I have yet to come to grips with the reality of it all. My son is gone, I know that yet, I don't think I really KNOW that! That makes no sense at all does it?

I want to find the way back to the days before this happened and find a way to fix it. Everything seems so pointless now and I can't seem to find the want to do anything. I have to force myself to do the dishes or clean the house. Hell I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm not finding it easier, it seems to get harder.

I have nothing positive to say today so maybe I will just leave it all alone for now. Maybe I will find something positive tomorrow.

My nerves...

are unraveling, I only have one left though!
I am preparing today to torture myself further by going to a perinatology consult.
I will, I am sure be in a room with pregnant people. That scares me. I am also scared that I won't ask all the questions that I should so if you all can think of any questions I need to ask please tell me what they are.
I have the genetic questions down, I think but what else is out there that I don't know about?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Fly my little Bumble

I have a song that rings in my head, my Mom had me listen to it the day after William was delivered. She said it made her think of him and now it makes me think too! It is a song called "Fly" by Celine Dion. I cry everytime I hear it and wish I could have sung it to him while he was in my arms now I just listen and hope he's listening too.

Fly - Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Sunday, January 27, 2008

William and Mommy

This is one of 3 pictures taken on the same day, 2 days before I found out Williams heart had stopped. They are the only pictures I have of William and I pre-delivery. I will cherish them always!

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I'm not ever going to be the person I was before December 10, 2007.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find the first comment rather sad as I, rather liked the person I was before that day.

I was rounding out (belly and all), I used to be a dreamer, I had gotten over what I considered major hurtles.

Now, my major hurtle includes getting out of bed, trying to smile, trying to move as I call it sideways.

I am now depressed (situational of course!), I cry a lot, I cannot relate to others, even my childless friends.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I used to be highly optimistic and now I find pessimism, something I despise setting in.

I can't even have 2 beers (which yes, I can have them now!) without getting sad and saying things I do not mean.

I can't look at car seat carriers or little boys with their parents, or babies at all.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find myself covering my eyes and ears when someone says, "She has gone back to school to get her GED, she's 18, and she is pregnant, she doesn't even talk to the dad."

I cannot be happy for those that don't want children and yet have them. I am jealous and wonder why this happened to us.

I hear a song and have to shut off the radio, every song I hear no matter how happy deals with loss in my ears.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I want so bad to hold my son, to tell him that I love him to his sweet little face. I want to hear him say, Mama and Dada.

I want so bad for the fear to go away, the fear that I will never find "normal" again. The fear that I cannot smile without it feeling fake.

I want so bad, to go back to December 9, 2007. When I was blissfully ignorant. When I thought nothing bad would happen to us.

I want so bad to smile, laugh, and make comments on how we would reprimand Will.


I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A post a day, keeps the sorrows at bay?

I wish that were true! Sometimes, I just need to write about him or my thoughts so that's why I started this blog!
The counselor said to try to put my thoughts aside and honor them at the end of the day. I did that yesterday. When asked if I had my baby yet, I said yes, but he was born still so...and I left it at that. The person that asked said, not that it's any consolation but your young, you can try again. Instead of saying my rude comment like: How the hell do you know and it wouldn't help matters I want my son dammit. I held it in until I got in the car and then I cried on the way home!
On a better note, I have my tickets to see John Edward who has given me my only peace via the boob tube! I am coaxing Shan into going for my selfish reasons! I want his Mom to come through and tell us that she is holding our little man! He, however is afraid she'll say things he doesn't want to hear! I don't believe that is how it works but I guess we will wait and see! Mr. Edward doesn't come here until May so I figure that is enough time to do the coaxing!
Mr. Edward is the one of the reasons that I have yet to say, "my son is dead." I just don't think of him as being dead, I feel him around me everyday, I truly believe that he is why I get out of bed everyday. That and the fact that Shan just can't be quiet! I know that William, (name meaning: Determined Guardian) is watching over me and pulling me through my crap days.
Of course everyday is a crap day and they seem to get longer and time seems to be standing still. I try to smile, forcing the happiness but I can only take one hour at a time. I need to shower as I stink but that takes so much energy and I just don't know that I have it in me. My sweat pants could I think stand on their own if given the chance and a bra, what the hell is that?
I think I will try to put posting aside for a day or two, but I seem to be addicted to this stupid computer! Maybe it's because of the heartfelt words I get from other bloggers or my co-dependent ways of checking in on others. I'm not sure.
I realize now that I am blabbering and need to stop as not to embarrass myself, blabbering is part of the grief, it just gives me diarreah of the mouth and hands! So, I will end this now! Good luck on your weekends and may peace be with all of you!

Friday, January 25, 2008


Some things depress me more than others.
The "friend" who said "You need to take down your memorial upstairs." " or at least put a time limit on it." Pisses me off and depresses me. It weighs heavy on my heart that I considered this person a "friend."
The people who don't know and ask, "Did you have your baby?" Depress me, yes, I had him, no he is no longer with us!
The people who reach out to touch your tummy. Pisses me off and depresses me! Since when has it ever been alright to touch someone you're not related to?
I'm sure we can all come up with things and I'm sure my list will grow over time but if you would like to add to it you may! Enjoy sending me what pisses you off or depresses you!

Can we get a break...

PLEASE! It seems as though the powers that be believe we each need to be tortured in one way or's the list...
1. My sister holding a neighbors new born boy after we lost Will. Yes, her choice but sad just the same. My Niece and Nephew having to see a little one that is not their cousin.
2. Someone walking up to me not knowing and touching my stomach.
3. Shan seeing a newborn that was not his.
and today...
4. My Dad having to go see a baby born via c-section...NOT his grandchild. (Work related, not something he would choose right now!)
so tell me when are we gonna get a break? Why do we have to be tortured with reminders everyday that our little man is not here with us? Why?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Kick 'em while they're down....

then kick 'em again!
So my day wasn't the only bad one! I get back from the grocery store and Shan says, " I don't know if I should tell you, I don't know if you can handle it." "What?," I say. "D & L came in with their new baby today." "How did you do?," I say looking scared at the same time and tearing up.
"I looked at her but I couldn't look at her face, I saw those little fingers moving and..." tears welling up. My poor Shan had to face a baby that wasn't his and it broke his heart and mine to hear of it. The conversation pretty much stopped there except for me saying how sorry I was that my body didn't keep our son safe. We cried together and hugged each other.
I know I shouldn't fault these people they wanted to share their happiness but man, why in front of Shan? I know I would have gotten up and walked clean out of the room saying obscenities to boot.
Of course we know I can't be happy for others and yet that is not my true being. I am finding it hard not to send a card to these people but I know that if I were to write one it would say something like: "Woo hoo happy for you, Boo hoo my baby is not alive!" You know why should I send something happy for someone when I myself am just not there?! Yet knowing me as I do so well, I will call the local floral shop and have them send a plant, let someone else write the damned card, cause coming from me it just won't be happy!
Why do others happy things have to get in the way of my grief?!

So what do you do...

if someone you know doesn't know about your loss? I had a nurse today who walked up to put her arm around me and her hand on my tummy. I lurched back and started to cry and giggle all at once! I was afraid of what would happen should this situation arise. Well, now I know. I cried of course, because of my loss, I laughed because she didn't know and I didn't unleash on her. I'm glad I didn't unleash on her as she is a very kind person.
I was just in shock at the lack of communication! Of course that has always been one of their complaints at this particular hospital is communication. Well, now they have their proof! All in all it was a decent morning but my arms are aching again and I am really tired.
I would like to say thanks to all who comment on my blog! I aprreciate the words and no, nothing you can say will comfort me right now but I guess that is o.k.! Nothing anyone can say would comfort me right now unless of course it is a time machine and we can GO BACK!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Just can't leave it alone!

I am beginning to think that the universe back fired on my ass!
I'm not mad at God, I'm not mad at Mother Nature, I am starting to get mad at the universe! (see post: Did I Ask Wrong?) I think I am going to have to remember that "Life is not fair" who ever said that to start with? Did they really know what they were saying? No, no, Life is not fair! THIS, LOSING OUR BABIES IS NOT fair to any of us wearing these ugly ass shoes? NO, NONE OF US DESERVED THIS! NONE OF US DID ANYTHING WRONG! WE ONLY WANTED OUR BABIES!
Sorry, I had to get it out there or I just might blow!

Back up!

As for Shan being insensitive in telling me about our friends baby girl, he's not!
He was telling me because he thought I would be happy it was a girl. See, the name they had picked out for a boy was William. Imagine that another boy born 1 month before our William was supposed to be here. So, whew! It was a girl. I know I should be happy for them and I guess truly I am. I am just having such a difficult time showing it. Shan is just happy that they didn't have to go through what we went through. Of course, I am just not happy that even we had to go through it.
I am still counting down the weeks until Will is actually supposed to be here. I can't seem to get his actual due date out of my head...then his birth day pops in and I seem to remember for only a moment, he is already here. I am still not going to get to hear him cry. Wow, getting angry again so I better leave it at that!
I need to say to all: Shan is a wonderful man. I just need to get it out there...I'm sure you'll hear (or read) me complain about him but keep in mind he is wonderful!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

So, did I ask wrong?

If you link to my "life in Misery...oops Missouri" blog you will see that I asked, in October of 2006 for a baby of my own. Did I ask wrong? I guess I didn't say a child of my own that I could watch grow and become a great Man or Woman. So, my question is... How the hell do you ask right? No, other children aren't going to make my situation "better," but maybe just maybe somehow and someway I will get part of my William back. Although he is with me in different ways, I do so want to be a Mommy to a child who grows to be an adult here on earth. Do ya think maybe that might come true?
I am trying to figure out why William is no longer with me and I am trying to figure out how to move forward. I am not sure about any of this I am grateful, however to be standing, or should I say at least out of bed. I seem to be moving in the "right" direction. Whatever that may be. I am sure I will fall back again and step in it so to speak, as you never actually move forward from the loss of a child I think you move sideways. So let me move sideways and be blessed with a healthy child of our own who gets to grow to be an adult, free of harm and unhappiness, add whatever you know I want! Can you give me that?
To the powers that be I beg of you to take care of my son and to help me move sideways!

A time to vent...

I know there is a time to vent and a time that you shouldn't but now I HAVE to!
I called Shan this morning just to check in, he said he had called. He wanted to tell me that our friends had a baby girl. Yeah for for me as I cannot be happy for them right now. What part of this does he not understand? I am angry, jealous and very sad that he thought it would be o.k. to tell me this. I called him on it of course, misery loves company and I expect him to feel bad. Wrong of me I know but just the same he needed to know that it was the wrong thing to do. Just had to get it out there. I hope I can some day be happy for others when they have children but right now, it's just not going to happen!

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Story Part 3:

I settle in and try to get comfortable.
My cell phone rings, it's a hospital (I work in hospitals, it's one of mine!)...I answer and of course, Dad's phone ( I work for him) is not working...I am short with the person on the other end, I am thinking they should know what I am going through. I tell them to leave a message for Dad and he'll call them back. I call Dad, he is out of the country and explain to him what is going on with the phone situation. He is surprised that I even answer my phone and tells me I can try to change the outgoing message on the phone system. I do that and all is good work wise. (Not sure why I added this except maybe I want to remember it myself!)
Shan and I try to make the best of the bad situation and even laugh a little. The nurses are in and out, checking me and showing Shan his very own bed ( a pull out couch thing!), and asking if they can get him anything.
Jerry, our friend shows up which mind you we are surprised, his wife passed away at the very same hospital 2 weeks earlier. It however was very nice to have him there although, I didn't know what to say. He would have done anything we asked of him, but what do you ask of someone when the only thing you want NO ONE can give you! He stayed for an hour or so. After he left it seems like our mood got a bit more somber...we watched t.v., talked about what our decisions were for William, and cried.
Time seemed to pass slowly, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel. I was excited to see my son and sad because it wasn't time. It's not a feeling I can describe.
I asked the nurse for some pain meds as the contractions were kicking in, I didn't want anything too strong. 2 Tylenol and some Staydol(sp?)...feeling tired and wanting to sleep. I think I dozed off for a bit, I woke up to pain bad enough for me to ask, "who's the anesthesiologist on call?" "Dr. N" Allison, my nurse (an angel in disguise) said. "O.K., well then I want an epidural." I am not actually calm during this, I am on my knees doubled over trying to get rid of the incredible cramps I have. I am also trying to be quiet as Shan is finally sleeping and I worry about him.
Allison gets me to lay on my back and talks me through the contractions, "relax your shoulders, your arms into the bed. Try to relax your back." She checks me and I am dialated to a 4, "call Dr. N," She says to another person in the room. "He isn't going to make it in time." No epidural...great. I sort of remember the pain but not really, I know I had to push. "Allison, I need to push." "Go ahead, it's ok, if you need to go ahead, " she says. " No wait, it's not time, he's not supposed to be here yet, no, I can't do this!" I am screaming these words and they sound all too familiar, they were in a dream I had a prior to finding out I lost Will. Shan has been up holding my hand and crying with me through all of this.
I push and into this world comes William Henry Johnson. I am too scared to hold him as the Doctor hasn't arrived yet, I want him to see my boy to see if there is anything he can tell me as to why I lost him. The Doctor arrives in a few minutes time and he says that everything looks normal and he doesn't know how long it has been since I actually lost him.
I am ready to hold my little man, they clean him up and hand the most perfect, tiny boy to me. I count fingers and toes, and yes, he's definitely a boy! His tiny hand fits on the tip of my finger and his feet just like his Daddy's, what we call "cowboy feet!" His nose mine, his lips his Daddy's. His eyes couldn't be seen yet as they were still matted over. I just can't get over how perfect he is. Our son! He is our son. I was so happy and yet so sad at the same time. I ask all the questions, "What time was he born?, How big?, How long?" The answers are 4:14am, 12.2 ounces, 11 inches! My little man, seriously little!
We stay at the hospital and Lydia our nurse comes in and takes pictures of me holding him and then she takes him to get castings of his hands and feet so we can have more memories. I eat breakfast, Shan eats cookies that I packed for him. We wait and William is returned. He is covered in Vaseline as his skin is fragile and they are afraid it will tear if not kept moist. He is still perfect.
The castings won't be done for a few days and the visiting nurse will bring them with her when she comes to check in on me. I hold William and talk to him, I tell him how much I love him, and need him. I snuggle his bear up to him and I get tired. I place him on the bed next to me and snuggle up for a nap. The best nap I have had since I found out that his heart stopped and the best sleep I have had since. I woke up to him still there by my side my arm wrapped around him. I hold him longer and stare at him to remember everything I can. I know I am going to have to give him up. I struggle with this as I want to take him home, I want my son.
Shan and I discuss our options further and decide cremation is the best option although we may not get any ashes back as he is so small. We know he is with us always anyway. We will do a memorial spot at the farm (property we plan to build a house on in the future) close to the building where there are trees and it is peaceful.
It is closing in on 3pm and we decide we need to go home. I kiss William and tell him I love him, I bundle him in his blanket the one I picked for him. I write on the back of a picture of Shan and I that we love him, I tuck in pictures of Grammi and Papa, and Grandpa and Angie and Grandpa Ralph and Betty, Aunt Becky, Uncle Mark, Brent and Libby and extended family pictures. I hand him over to Lydia. Shan and I would only give him to her as she has a beautiful soul herself and she spoke to him all day and treated him with such love. She takes William away and I take a shower and get cleaned up.
Lydia brings in a box, the box has a card with his name and birth info in it, it's a bereavement box. I put his bear in there. I wanted to keep it as it smells like him. We packed up our bags and we left the hospital. We left the hospital carrying a box, not our son.
It was the most difficult day of my life so far. I say that because I realize now that things, life always has a way of smacking you in the face.
I think about that day and I smile because I can remember how it felt to hold him. I love our son, the perfect mix of his Mommy and Daddy. What went wrong, we may never know. What went right? I live in a time that allowed me to be awake to give birth and I got to spend time with my son. Maybe not a life time yet but time none the less!
It has been just over a month since we lost our baby. I realize now that William has given me some gifts. If I listen sometimes they come through a little more clear. I know he is here with me in spirit and I know he would have been a very strong presence on earth. I look forward to the day I can see him and will tell you about the gifts he has given me in future writings.

The Story Part 2:

Tuesday morning comes...I'm not sure what I'm feeling, I believe I am hoping beyond hope to feel him move, please William move.
My sister, Becky calls, gives me a name of a friend of hers who has lossed a baby at full term to stillbirth. Do I call? I call, I talk to her and get suggestions and advice on what to do...not once does she say what not to do, she is very friendly and helps me through. Tuesday is a day of hope.
Shan is at work as it's snowing and he of course plows streets, no back up crew...trying to get through this horrible time. Wednesday morning comes Shan comes home early, he's finally told everyone at work. "We can go in early if you want, it's up to you," he says. I am thinking that I am putting off the inevitable and I guess we should go in. I call the hospital birthing center, "Hi, this is Amy Lang, I am scheduled to come in and deliver my stillborn son, I have not yet have birthing classes and I don't know what to bring, can you tell me what to bring?" The voice on the other side is so sweet, I can hear it starting to shake, "I am so sorry, you might bring a blanket, one you have picked out for the baby, a camera, personal items, we'll do what we can to make you comfortable. What time do you think you will be here?" I tell her I have other questions first, "Who is the doctor on call?, I don't like some of the doctors and I need to know who will be there. " I say. " I understand, she says, Dr. Olhausen and I can tell you he will take good care of you." "That's fine," I say, "It will be more like 2:00 today, I need to take a shower and pack our bags." " We'll see you when you get here," she says.
I go tell Shan that I am going to take a shower and pack our bags. I pick out a blanket that I had picked out for my new baby, and I grab his first stuffed animal purchased for him by his cousins. I pack his first ornament grab the camera and stuff all of it in a bag. I go take a shower and get dressed. We leave for the hospital.
We arrive, I'm alright, we go in and check in, "you'll be in room 302, go through the doors and go on in, someone will meet you there shortly." We go in and a nurse greets us, gives me a hug and asks me to change into a gown. "Lydia will be right in." I'm thinking that's good, she's the one that I talked to on the phone. It gives me a little comfort. We get settled and Lydia comes in, she gives both of us hugs and tells us she's sorry, is there anything she can do? " A miracle,"I say. She smiles and says we can hope. The doctor comes in and asks what he can do. Again, I say "give me a miracle." "You'll make sure that there is nothing else we can do right?" "Let's get the ultrasound machine in here and see what we can see," he says. There is no baby is gone. It's all starting to come together now, I lost my son. "I'm so sorry," says the doctor and he explains what they will do from here. They will start induction of labor with vaginal suppositories (oh, yeah!) I can have whatever I want for pain, and I can have all the liquids I want. He leaves and they start induction, 2 Cytotek( I think) pills every 4 hours. This is about 2:30pm.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Story Part 1

Note: I am doing this in parts because it gets difficult to tell sometimes...

Part 1:
Monday, December 10, 2007
Normal check up, I had just gone to monthly check ups so I figured this would be normal...
I went to the Doctors office by myself. Usual weigh in (gained 3 lbs.) I thought o.k. I'm supposed to I'm pregnant! Pee in the cup and wait! I finally get taken to my room (room 9), blood pressure normal, check for Williams heart rate. Nurse can't find it, "it's sometimes hard, he sits low" I say. She checks again, " I can't find it, let me get someone else," she says. Another nurse comes in..."I think we need to get an ultrasound," she says. We go across the hall, "your last pregnancy was it an early miscarriage?", "yes" I say "I was only 7 weeks." I didn't think much of the comment until I got in the ultrasound room, "Hi, Amy, let's see what we can see."
"Just find him, please just find my son." I say. "O.K., lay back, let's see what we can do."
She squirts the gel, and starts looking, she looks up and says, "Amy, it's not good news, his heart is not beating." "Let me get Dr.T." I'm thinking Dr. T, I'm with Dr. R, get Dr.R. In walks Dr. R, "I'm sorry", she says to me. " What did you see?" She says to the sonographer. "There is no amniotic fluid and his heart is not beating." This was hushedly spoken of between the 2 of them. I was trying to talk to Shan and tell him, that I lost our baby, I didn't know what happened his heart, it just stopped. I handed the phone to the sonographer to talk to Shan. " So, what does this mean?, Can I have other babies?" "This had nothing to do with your cervix"(I had pre cancerous cells and a cold knife cone the year before)"We wait 2 months and try again." Hindsight is 20/20 what a cold comment I just lost my baby! "Where do we go from here?" I say. "We can go ahead and send you up to Labor and Delivery and induce labor or you can wait until I'm on call again which would be Thursday." "I need to wait, I need to go home and make phone calls, I need to wait." "O.k., let's get some blood work and then if you are o.k.
to drive, are you o.k. to drive, can someone come and get you?" "No, you don't understand, I'm on call, Shan has to work, the snow is coming and he plows streets, there is no choice, I'll be o.k. to drive, I promise. " I drive home crying and trying to figure out what all just happened. I walk in the door and Shan is at the top of the stairs, I fall into his arms crying and saying "I'm so sorry." I am so sorry, I don't know why this happened and I try to wrap my head around it, Shan waits for Wayne (surrogate father, roomate) to get home. Wayne comes in walks to me with teary eyes and says, "I don't know what to say, I don't understand." He hugs me and I say, "I don't understand either." Shan leaves for work and I am left with Wayne to try to process, I go to bed and try to sleep but thoughts keep bounding in. Sleep is just not happening, I make my phone calls and try to explain. Sleep finally comes.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Ok, so it's a new day

or yet another's 12;30 am...nerves have kicked in. Shan is not home and I am tired but don't want to go to bed. I think about William every second. I miss my son and wonder if he really knows how I feel. I have anger building and it's not directed toward any one thing or person.
For those that do not know it I am a grudge holder. I'm not sure where I got it from but I do, I hold grudges. Some things said to me recently have hit me wrong. We are not equipped with good things to say in my situation but sometimes some people just shouldn't say anything!
I'm sorry works best although my response right now will more than likely be...You're sorry for what? What did you have to do with it. I know you are sorry for my loss, if you are not then you are insensitive and shouldn't talk to anyone ever! Of course, it's what we are taught to say, so I guess I will grin and bear it if you say you are sorry for my loss. I will try to say thank you.
I'm not angry with God, I'm angry with Mother Nature I am one of her biggest fans and yet I feel as though she has let me down. My favorite womenly thing, my freakin' period returned, when you ask, oh, let's see one month to the day that William was born! Why thank you for the reminder that my son is no longer where he belongs, inside of me but already here and yet already gone! How cold, what did I ever do to you, Mother Nature? So I kill bugs, they're gross, I know that they have families too but I don't honestly think about them, is that why you did this to me?
Oh, yes, if you haven't figured it out yet, grief makes you crazy! Not insanely crazy just a little off kilter say things you never thought you would and do things you never thought you would. Like talking to Mother Nature on a blog!
I read a blog of another Mother in my shoes, she had said that she wanted to go dig up her son just to hold him. Now others might find that strange but I don't. I totally understand. The physical holding of your child is so calming. Even as I held Williams lifeless body, I was at peace. I have yet to actually feel that deep peace again...I've come close being outside seeing nature at its finest. (See, Mother Nature I still find your beauty event though you are on my s... list!)
But, I have yet to find that peace of course mind you I'm not that far out...just over a month.
Wow, I lost my son over a month ago, where the heck does time go? What is time and why do we have it? Crazy mom rambling here, get used to it! I have a feeling there is a lot more to come!
My sweet William, I miss you and hope to hold you in my dreams, to smell your skin and feel your hand in mine. I will see you in my dreams, come join me and we'll talk, I can sing to you and tell you how much I love you.

Where to begin?

Well, I'd start with the story but today just isn't the day. It's been one month and 3 days since our beautiful boy came to earth, via me! He was born still...yet the most beautiful little man I have ever seen. Today, I have a bit more peace of course counseling and support groups can do that for you for a bit plus, just feeling that he's with me helps too. If you haven't been in my shoes, which mind you I hope you never are, you just wouldn't understand. To lose a child is the most extreme pain one can experience and of course we all feel it in a different way. My pain will always seem worse than the next persons, no matter what because it is mine! So today my pain is mine and we'll go from there! Yet in the same token today I am calm...not tired not really sad just calm. Better than the last few days which have been my usual roller coaster HELL! Everyday seemed to get worse instead of better, how could my day get better? My son is no longer inside of me and yet he is not here to hold. Books could help but you can read too much and I am searching for people who know the shoes in which I walk. So if you are out there and can offer some more peace, PLEASE, HELP! I promise to answer you and to be as compassionate as I can. This is where I begin...I don't want it to be the end of anything, I know I will see William again, I can somehow gain strength from that but I need help getting through the everyday junk!

William Henry Johnson

William Henry Johnson born Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 4:14am 12.2 ounces and 11 inches long. Born Still at 25 weeks.