Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Friday, February 29, 2008

I Got it!

Today in the mail I received Williams Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth.
You know the part that made me cry? It says Child's Name: William Henry Johnson, see he is a child! He isn't a fetus as the Fetal Death Report says. He's a child and it makes me sad that I had to fight for a damned piece of paper but I did!

I got it! I now have all of the ammo I need to contact my state representatives which mind you one lives 10 minutes away and I voted for him! Now, he can return the favor! Being as he had a sign in my yard and yes I am a constituent, favor must now be returned!

I will take him pictures of my son, tell him my story and tell him the fight I had to get the piece of paper I wanted! I will tell him that NO woman should ever have to fight for this, that I will help however I can to make sure no other woman ever has to go through what I did. I'll keep you posted!

As you can tell I am happy that I got this piece of paper but I am sad too. It almost solidifies the fact that the only way I have my son is in ashes and paper. Not the way a mother wants to bring her child home. Yet in the same respects with this paper I feel I have now truly brought William home.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Rant about living in a Missing Angels State

My state offices seem not to understand the importance of this bill that was passed in 2004. It states that I can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth (COB)for my son. It states that I delivered my son, yes, that even though he did not take a breath on this earth I birthed him. He was born. Why is it so difficult for others to understand that I need this piece of paper as an acknowledgement for myself, for my son.

I sent off for Williams death certificate and got that back without a problem. I then sent in the application for the COB. I received in the mail once again, a certificate of fetal death for my son. Mind you the applications are completely different for both pieces of paper.

I let it sit for a few days and then started to fume. I want my sons birth certificate dammit, what do I have to do? I went to my local vital stats office. The lady inside incredibly nice but unknowing, called the state office in Jeff City. She then handed me the phone, "what is it you are wanting?" said the voice on the other end of the phone. "I am wanting a Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth for my son and your office keeps sending me a Fetal Death Certificate." "Well, Ma'am, that's all you'll get, it cannot be ammended to a birth certificate." Me steaming and crying now..."you mean to tell me that your office will break the laws that are in effect for people like me? Never mind you, I will contact the Govenor myself and report that the laws are being broken in state offices." I hung up the phone.

Now, I have yet to contact my Governor as I was trying any route to get what I wanted without stirring the pot before I got it. I have since sent a letter, politely stating my request, 2 applications for the COB, the duplicate copy of the fetal death report, and a copy of the LAW to the supervisor at the Vital Statistics office in Jefferson City, MO! I then emailed the MISS Foundation to give them a heads up. She reported that even in Arizona (the 1st state to enact the bill) she is still having problems with this law being implemented. My best bet to prevent others from going through this added my legislators and or go to the vital statistics office in my state capital, with the law in hand. I'm not opposed to doing any or all of the above. I would actually like it if they would hand me a computer with a program on it so I could personally handle request like mine. I would like someone in their office to know what it means to a parent in our shoes to get a piece of paper. I would like just once for one of their idiots to say, " I am sorry for your loss, I will get this handled promptly!"

So, I am still waiting for my sons BIRTH CERTIFICATE to arrive. I know they received the letter and request as I sent it all certified mail. When I get that certificate I will be contacting all of my public office officials to show them what it is that we, women in our shoes rightfully deserve. To show them the law that was passed and signed by my Governor in 2004. I will make sure they know I am not going away...not until this issue is fixed! I will do whatever it takes to make it easy or easier for someone to receive a Birth Certificate resulting in Stillbirth for their child. For their records!

If there is one thing that has come from the loss of my son that I find to be "good" it is the fact that I now want to advocate for parents of stillborns I now want to be on the inside for the rest of my life. I want to help, and yes, I guess in a way it will be helping me work through my sons death.

Edited to add: Please see Update

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Tag Round 3

I have been tagged again! This time by Beth at Taking Chances, this one involves books! I haven't read anything fun in a while but I do have one of my short favorites right here! The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

The Rules!:

Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people.

Page 123, 5th - 8th Sentences:

She would have to send her kisses on the wind, hoping that the wind would touch the boy's face, and would tell him that she was alive. That she was waiting for him, a woman awaiting a courageous man in search of his treasure. From that day on, the desert would represent only one thing to her: the hope for his return.

I guess all I can do is hope for Williams return somehow too! My courageous little man I wish I knew what the treasure he went to find was!? Oh wait, according to the Alchemist it's his life and love.

So, I will ask, CLC, Antigone, Kalakly, C., and Coggy to do this one for me! Antigone, stay away from the medical journals!

Monday, February 25, 2008


So, I've been "hit" by C., to do Kalakly's, LIST (the guys or gals you can sleep with while married without it actually being considered cheating!) meme. I have to say my guys have changed over the years one of which recently passed away. Heath Ledger...if I see him in the spirit world I will jump his bones! Here are the pics an explanation of sorts follow the pics! Enjoy! Thanks for letting me get it all out there!

So here's the explanation well sort of!

1. Willie Nelson, I know, Shan gives me the" eww" too! But hey the man can sing and that's all he has to do and I melt!

2. Josh Holloway...Hello, look at that bod...yes, I'd do him proper!

3. John Hannah, that Scottish accent, oh baby! I fell for him when he played "James" in Sliding Doors with Gwenyth Paltrow (who I think is hot but I wouldn't go there!)

4. John Travolta...hello, have you seen GREASE? For that matter have you seen anything he's been in?

5. Jared Leto...from My So Called Life, is he not just totally yummy?!

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr., yes I know I share this one with Kalakly, no we can NOT share him! He's mine, mine, mine!

So, the girls I will hit with this one are Antigone and Ange and Jennifer . Enjoy girls!

How are you?

I am F.I.N.E., is my answer do you know what it stands for? F**kin'. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional!

That fits me to a tee! I don't have much today as I have type B flu and not feeling well enough to do much! Hope you all are well and not so FINE! Unless of course you think FINE fits you too!

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Rollercoaster of Grief

This is what my life feels like. This is what grief does to me. It flips me upside down and turns my insides. My tears flow easily today and my heart is heavy. I miss our William.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I've been tagged!

I have been tagged by CLC, I have never been tagged before either so we'll see if I can get it right! First off though, I have to say I agree with her # 3 answer and her #6, both of which would be on my list too! Here it goes!

The rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you (I did above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

Six non-important things about me:

1. I read way too much. When reading a book I do not respond to others around me, I ignore them completely and act as though they don't exist.

2. I eat chocolate like it is going out of style - Hershey's Cherry Cordial Kisses are my new fav!

3. I watch too much t.v. - I have two favorite shows, one is LOST and the other is ELI STONE. I actually record shows while I am at groups, work or sleeping so I have something to watch when there is nothing good on.

4. I don't like to wear bras or shoes (socks yes, shoes no!) That is pretty self explanitory! That's not important, is it? TMI? Sorry!

5. I believe whole heartedly in RETAIL THERAPY, I spend money with no remorse! It hasn't actually helped in this situation (stillborn mom) but it has helped in the past. I have spent a lot of money since December but it is towards advocacy groups, memorial stuff, etc. It hasn't made me happier to buy those things but I know it all goes to a good maybe it's helped a bit!

6. I have a ribbon on my car that says "pregnancy and infant loss awarness" I park directly across from all "expectant Mommy parking" in hopes that they will see it! (Sick, I know but I do believe that sometimes others need to know it's not all rainbows and bunnies!)

Ok, so I am tagging the following!

1. C.

2. Katie

3. Yummy (Heather)

Sorry gals but like CLC said to me, can't take anymore bad luck not that there is any attached to not doing this but you never know!

Yes, it can always get worse

My friend C, the one I mentioned before who joined our sinking boat, it got worse! Much, much worse!

Five days of laboring and finally Friday, she delivered her sweet little man, 7 inches and 149 grams. They opted not to name him “in case” they could give it a go again.

Well, Saturday, they had to do a D/C for retained placenta. In the process they realized they she had placenta accreta, which in the end meant if she was going to survive, not bleed to death, a total hysterectomy was needed.

So, now she doesn’t get the chance to try. My heart is broken for her and her family. So, yes, it can always get worse! If anything people who say, “it can’t get any worse” need to be corrected. To me this is a bit of hell on earth that we are walking through, to her it is a bigger hell on earth than mine.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Questions

From my Life in Misery...oops, Missouri! blog notice the date it was written, wasn't prego then and hadn't encountered any of these pairs of shoes I have now been handed!

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Questions
Have you ever watched Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton? It is fabulous and at the end he asks these questions based on a questionnaire by Bernard Pivot...So here are my answers!
01. What is your favorite word?
Love/William of course, Love is still a favorite word but William sings to me!
02. What is your least favorite word?
The N word
03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Family and Friends
04. What turns you off?
Mean people/The unknown
05. What is your favorite curse word?
06. What sound or noise do you love?
Children Laughing/Rain
07. What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of sadness in someone's voice./Doppler machines in any capacity
08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
If I could I'd love to have been in NASA in any capacity.
09. What profession would you not like to do?
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Well, hello, we've been waiting! /Your son is right this way, he's been waiting for you!

So, can you answer those questions? kind of fun and your answers may change often but enjoy life while you can!

To say the least some of my answers have changed they are the ones printed in RED. Can you answer those questions? I'd love to see your answers!

The worst times

The times I am starting to find the hardest are those that I am alone. Mind you I'm not really alone, I have 5 animals to comfort me in my time of need. On the other hand, they don't talk so the thoughts all creep back in. I live over the delivery everyday in my head and all of my regrets that came with that day.

I regret first and foremost that I didn't ask our families to join us. I thought, (at the time it was what was right) that we needed to do this incredibly sad thing just the two of us. I now wish that Williams other family members could have held him but I realize too that his spirit had already flown. My mother was the first person I called while holding him in my arms. She talked to me as I described how he looked, fingers, toes, penis and all! I wish she could have held him in her arms and kissed him on his forehead and cheeks. Then again, I don't know nor will I ever know if that would have broken her spirit. She has always said, "I'm sorry you lost him, he's not lost but I'm sorry you lost him." She's right he's not lost. He knows what he's doing and maybe he just couldn't come to me this time around. Maybe I will get him back in some way shape or form.

I regret that I didn't force the issue on getting a hospital birth certificate. I know now how much I need and want that . I regret that his skin was so fragile that we couldn't get hand and foot prints. However, I did get castings which are tangible, I can hold his hand in mine just like I did on his birthday. I regret that I didn't know about NILMDS (photographers) before the fact. I wish I had more pictures. I regret that I never dressed him. I regret that I didn't spend more time with him, I wanted to get home to my own space. I regret that I never went back to the hospital and he spent a long time in the morgue, that cold dark place. Then I have to remind myself, since I believe in spirit and soul that his was not in his body anymore. I have all of these regrets. I have so many more, but I am alone. I don't want to think about all of them as I will only start crying uncontrollably, and no one here to calm me down.

I wish that people knew what a priveledge it is to have children, to watch them grow. I looked at cards the other day and read one that was under the title "The stress of a newborn," I would give anything for that stress! I wouldn't even want a card for it, I would welcome the stress, the no sleep, the stinky diapers, the spit up. I would welcome all of it. I would even welcome morning sickness if it meant my son was still with me.

I am trying to gather all of my memories, big or little. They are mine and I need them to all be together. I didn't realize how many things I have collected in regards to William. Little notes, and dammit those sympathy cards, I wanted "Congrats on your new son" cards. The emails I sent out in regards to losing Will and the sympathy emails that were returned. The pictures, the hand and foot castings, the bereavement box, his death certificate. The ornaments, the books, all of these things. To outsiders who aren't or have never been in my shoes all of this may just be stuff. To me all of these things equal memories of my first born child.

If I was more of a lush, I would drink myself into a frenzy from the time I awoke until I passed out. However, I try to accomplish things throughout the day therefore drinking doesn't fit the bill. Trust me it's a heavy thought especially when I am alone.

I am now up against, the do we try again question. Dammit, I want to be a Mommy, I want to hear someone call me Mommy, I want my child to call me Mommy. Yet, I am bound by my heart to wait. To wait until test results come in, until my anual pap to tell me that the pre-cancerous cells haven't returned, until Williams due date passes. I am bound by my heart and my brain working together and yet part of me feels that they are both conspiring against me.

Being alone isn't such a good thing for grief. Especially when no one has invented the on off switch for the brain. Wouldn't that be a nice one?! So, I am going to go be alone, I am going to stare at the t.v., on some travel channel and wish I could jump through the screen to my destination. I'm going to go be alone and watch the snow fall, and revel in it's beauty, it's keeping me inside, it's wonder of how it falls and seems to slow down the world out there if only for a short while.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


I find more and more every day that William is my gift, my miracle if you will.
He brings me peace to help others and to help me understand their pain along with mine.

I have another friend who has joined our boat. She delivered her beautiful boy, 22 weeks gestation, last night. She went through 5 days of labor and now has to suffer a D and C to boot. She is in the "why" stage and will be for a long time. I will do my best to help her walk through the fire.

I searched Lost and Found yesterday and came upon Ange, she is a reluctant new "club" member who is just starting her story so please go say "hi!" From our "older" members we have, Jennifer, who has found some peace in the sharing of her sons belongings. She is truly an amazing soul. Tash, is recounting her story from a year ago of losing her little Maddy. I do believe she can use all the hugs and support you can send her way! And then we have Yummy, she went yesterday and got the most beautiful tatoo to memorialize her son Aodin, go over and have a peak at the beautiful art work.

I of course read many more blogs, these are just a few to mention today and I'm sure they will all be mentioned again. All of you, here in blog world give me the strength where as my William gives me peace. Thank you to all of you for your strength in telling your stories and supporting me and the rest of us out here.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Where the hell am I?

My brain is not functioning at all anymore! I think of things I need to do and instead go grab my book and start reading. Mind you it's a good book and it has caught my attention so doing anything until it's complete seems pointless.

I still feel as though I am a non feeling person. I cry ocassionally for a couple of seconds and then, my tears they just dry up...not a single one left to cry. Am I cried out? Do I have any freakin' fluid left in my body to come out of my tear ducts? I just don't have it in me to feel sad, I'm tired dammit! Very, very tired for absolutely no reason.

All I have done today is, read, go to the bank, go to the gas station to get my Powerball tickets (money wont' make a difference but hey if my luck is bad on one end can't it be good on the other?), and then to the post office. I then decided to go to Hallmark and read through all of the sympathy cards. The happy cards just aren't for me and I figure I might as well stock up and be the bearer of sympathy to those that need it who the hell needs happy cards anyway?! Well, Hallmark not a good idea!

Wandering the isles of cards and looking for anything to make my day. I hear "oh, she's so cute, look she says d-u-c-k now" What to my wandering eyes do I see but a little girl and her Mommy! Yeah, thank you! I want to say, "don't you have something to do at home? Can't you not shop during the day? Don't you have a babysitter? " I say non of the above mentioned. Instead, I go to the counter with my pile of cards, I ask if they can get the key to get some charms out. (hoping she'll ask why I want those charms) She doesn't ask, just does. I wanted her to ask so I could say well these two are for me and my husband and this one is for my son, he was STILLBORN, December 13. I wanted to say it so the other Mommy would hear it but I didn't get my chance. I paid and left, cursing my whole way to the car, "Can't you fucking leave your kid at home? This is my day!" Of course, it's not my day, I don't have one of those but I can pretend! I then think, "Amy, you don't have a heart." But you see I do and mine is broken. Theirs gets to go on beating as though it's normal mine is not normal. Mine is in a million pieces and seeing other children breaks it into a million and ten! The older kids I can handle now, but the young ones, not a chance in hell.

So, I am home now, obviously and writing this post. I am thinking of all of the things I should do, vacuum, dust, dishes. Instead, I think I'll go get my book and try to forget about Hallmark! So here's to my not so good Friday but I do believe I will fix myself an Amaretto sour and read a bit. Maybe it will turn into a better Friday after all!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Hope floats. My ass!

They say hope floats, well not in this boat it doesn't. It actually punctures holes in what life raft I have and helps it to sink! My optimism was good this morning. I'm two months today without William. My optimism is failing me and pesimism is setting in.

I woke up with an erie sense of calm about me. No true grief today. No real acceptance either just blank. Until lunch time, I called to check on work tomorrow and found out that one of my friends who had been pregnant with twins and lost one twin at 14 weeks has now as of yesterday at 22 weeks lost the other. I don't feel my own grief today. I feel grief for her and her family and I am tired of the sinking boat. The more people we put on it the faster it seems to sink. I sent my thoughts to her via others but I cannot right now find it in me to call and check in. I will later in the week.

So, I am looking to my blog buddies for some optimism and some hope. I need it to float today, I really am not ready to sink. I need to catch my breath and I need to feel some peace instead of the nagging feeling that the Titanic we are all on is sinking fast! What I really need is a good laugh and a couple bottles of wine. So, if you can offer HOPE that doesn't puncture holes, optimism that is true, a laugh or a bottle of wine please respond!

(This is me reaching out, instead of in!)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A different kind of loss

But for those of us who consider our furry friends our family it is a loss that is very difficult. Antigone, this one is for you. I am thinking of you. I share in your sorrow for yet another loss.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…
– Author Unknown
For Tash, if I could pick them all and give them to you on this day, Maddy's Birthday, I would.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Another week gone by. I learn more about myself with each passing week. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I am still standing and moving about life. I still have a heart!

My Grandmother is in the hospital and she is one of the most important people in my life. We share the loss of our first born sons. Sad as it is, I think it bonds us even more than we already were. Of course, she went on to have four more children. I on the other hand am not sure wether or not I will be blessed with other children or if William will be my only. Anyhow, back to Gram, she is doing better and nothing too incredibly bad, although you never know in this life. She will be in the hospital for a few more days but should get to go home by the end of the week.

So, I still have a heart, it was nice to know that I could get over myself for one day and go see her. I didn't really even want to talk about all of our losses. I just wanted to talk the way we did before all of this happened. So, we did and it was nice. She is a great comfort for me and she helps to keep me grounded.

So, like I said another week has past, I am getting stronger emotionally and I have not forgotten about my son in the process. I remember him more and more with each passing day. I miss him more and more also but I know that we, Shan and I, will be alright. We will get through, not over, not ever over (don't want that) but we will get through this together and stronger than ever before.

I wish everyone else strength and peace this week. I hope I, along with the rest of you can find more strength and peace with each passing day. I can hope can't I?

Saturday, February 9, 2008


I count the days I have been without William, 58 today. I count the weeks he's still supposed to be with me, 6 and one half. I count the number of things I walked out of the hospital with, 1 ( a box, a bereavement box, not my son!). I count the days I stayed in bed (getting up only because I felt I had to) after this happened 4. I count the number of people who came to my rescue IRL in the few days after it all happenend, 5.

I count the number of support groups I attend 3. I count how many things I gave up or did in order to have a "healthy" pregnancy, 5. I am now counting the things I have done for myself since this all happened, so far it equals 1!

I am tired of counting! I am sure I will count more like the days I suffer the most, being holidays or anniversarys or birthdays.

I realized the other night after 1 of my support groups that I have a little under a year before Williams 1st birthday. That Shan and I both will be having our birthdays without the son we were supposed to have with us. That my nephew will be celebrating his 9th birthday without the cousin he is supposed ot have. To say the least numbers are seeming to get in the way. I am not liking numbers, not that I ever did before but now I am starting to really dislike them.

Editied to add: The count of hateful reminders I get in the mail is up to more than 10 now. Yesterday I received Similac formula in the mail! Yeah! Thanks a lot Similac!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I'm done.

I'm tired, I take something to help me sleep it doesn't work. I can only nap in the afternoon like I did when I was pregnant. I can't sleep at night. I'm 33 and when I do sleep I sleep with a teddy bear. Granted it's Williams bear but a bear none the less. I can't sleep without it.

I am so tired of people thinking I should be over this and the damned question, "what's the matter?" What the hell do you think is the problem you dumb asses? It's been 55 days since I have been without William. How bad is that? I count the days, I even have them marked on my calendar. I can't get rid of the calendar that has "Baby due" written on it. Yet, I have the days marked that I have been without him. It breaks my heart and spirit to have all of this.

Like others, I am due for my fucking period to start next week and the damned PMS has kicked in again! Oh, yeah! I hate the fact that I am going to have a period this month and next. I am not supposed to have another real period until April sometime maybe even May.

I've always been a needy person but now it's worse. I woke Shan up and asked him to hold me the other night. I proceeded to cry myself to sleep enveloped in his arms. He asked me if it helped to be held and I said yes. Which it does but not as much as I wish it would. I guess I do sleep at night, sometimes. Of course, I don't feel like it because I wake up often, thinking there is something wrong. Yes, there is something wrong, we all know what it is.

So, today I'm done. I'm tired and crabby. Tomorrow is yet another day and no it won't be any better. Chances are it will be worse. Still, somehow I will drag my ass out of bed and muddle through the day. Sometimes I think the only reason I get out of bed is because it puts me one day closer to William. You know, one day closer to my "natural" death, one day closer to being able to hold him again. In a sense it's morbid and backwards. You would think I would be saying it puts me further away from him as I count the days. Maybe I will figure all of this crap out somehow, someway, someday.

Monday, February 4, 2008

A letter to William

My Dearest William,

Mommy is wearing down quickly. I am tired of people trying to come up with reasons why you are not here. None of their speculation matters it only hurts me. I feel like they are trying to tell me something was wrong with you. Truth be known, you are perfect in my eyes no matter what. No matter what problems might have been I would have taken anything you had to throw at me. We would have made a wonderful life for all of us anyway.

I never got to see you awake, I never got to see your smile yet I picture you in my mind all the time. Your perfect face and perfect smile, your beautiful hands and feet. I wish I could reach out and kiss you, and hold your hand. I wish I could hear all of the things that I will never get to hear.

I miss you more and more everyday. I am finding that I never knew how much I could love someone. I never knew how much I would love you.

I've had a lot of anger, I've been mad at God, Mother Nature, Myself, Daddy, some friends, and all of my doctors. I'm not used to the anger, not in this form. I find myself wondering why you didn't fight and then I realize you were such a little man and how could I expect that of you?!

I know that I need to let go of the anger as nothing is going to bring you back. My dearest boy, I blame myself, I couldn't protect you and I was supposed to. I wish I would have known or had a way of keeping you safe.

It's been yet another day, still stupid comments from others and still me wondering why. Yet when I get really down, only you will understand this but I see a hawk, I know it's you. I know you in your spirit form are trying to calm me down and let me know you are alright where you are. I just wish in my heart I felt that all the time.

I hope some day to find peace with all of this. I hope someday, when we build the new house that you were to grow up in, you'll join me in your room. Yes, I said your room. I have talked to Daddy and he knows that I want a room dedicated to you, all of the things we have of yours. Although we don't have much, a lot of pictures your ashes and your bear. I still need you to have your own room. Of course, your bear will probably always be with me. Always sleep with me. It's the one thing I have of you that I can touch that you touched too besides my heart and soul.

Should you have a sibling someday, he or she will always know about you. With any luck they will feel your presence and know how much you are loved by all of us here. I hope should we be blessed with a sibling of yours somehow, someway you will find your way back to us in the physical form.

Grammi, has very strong beliefs in the after life and reincarnation. I hope I can feel those beliefs and hang on to them. I hope she is right that we meet the same people in each life in different ways but always the same people.

My little bug, I miss you more than you will ever know, for you I will try to move on from here. Please forgive me if I fall behind once in a while. It's hard to be here without you. Every song I hear seems to remind me of you and everything in nature I see seems to remind me of the things we won't get to do together. Yet, I know you know all of the things we do, I know you wanted to be here. You just knew for yourself that there were other things to be completed before you could come to be with us.

If I believe in what your "Aunt" Sam says, "Guardian Angels, have never walked on earth." I have to believe that you had a higher purpose. Now mind you Mommy is talking of the spiritual sense here. So, maybe you are helping others find their way in life. I hope you are helping me too.

My little bumble, I love you more than the moon, the stars, and the sun. With all of my being you will always be in my heart and soul and I will never forget you.

With more love than you will ever know,

Your Mommy

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I've read again

My comments from the Poem Mondays Child. Antigone, C., and Coggy, I hate that our kids had far to go. What's even more strange is this:

When I was 8 and my sister 16 my family was fostering "Thursdays child," it was a segment on t.v. called just that. She did have far to go and yet she made it or so it seems. We no longer keep in touch but last I heard she was doing well.

Now, I look at Thursdays child not as one who you foster but one who you've lost. Maybe that's what is really behind it. Her mother lost her not in the same way that we lost our children but lost just the same. Note: probably not wise of me to compare this but it is late and I'm just thinking outloud! I just think it's stupidly strange how damned poems seem to creep in and take on a different meaning as we go through our lives.

Now, on another note, tomorrow is a new day! Yes, I know, all my days are the same. Yet tomorrow is a new one so maybe just maybe it will be a bit better!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

I hate stupid people!

I sat at work yesterday with nurses that bitch about everything from hating there jobs to hating the Doctor they are working with. I want to scream at them! I can't remember who said it but I too want to say "STFU, my baby died!"

I don't know how many times I had to correct people yesterday when they said, "it can't get any worse." How the hell do they know? They obviously haven't been in my shoes. Nor, do they care to acknowledge what I have been through. "Why aren't you happy?" they say. I want to say, "Have you been living under a rock? Do you not realize what I have been going through?" Instead I say, "I'm just not, it's not a good day." I did tell someone who harrassed me yesterday, "Don't start with me, I was verbal before this all started and now it's worse. I highly suggest you leave me alone!" He in turn said, " I can handle it." " Don't think so buddy, you can't handle what I have to deal out today!" I said and the conversation ended there.

I need a shirt that says, "Deadbabymom" As much as I hate the whole deadbabymom (all as one word) I think it is the only thing that everyone would understand. Maybe they would be shocked by it and you know what I don't give a shit! Maybe then they would think about their petty crap and realize in this world, their crap really doesn't matter!

Ok, I'm done ranting about those particular stupid people. I will however make a list later of the different kinds of stupid people. Feel free to comment about how much you like stupid people. You can include the idiots at the doctors office who don't know shit!

Friday, February 1, 2008

50 days

It has been 50 days today that I have been without my son.
50 days ago, I was in bed sobbing, I had left my baby at the hospital the day before.
50 days ago, I was trying to decide what to do. Do I go back to the hospital and hold him again?
50 days ago, I was fighting the logical side and the emotional side of myself.
50 days ago, I wished I could go back to the day before.

Today, I'm out of bed, I'm still trying to decide what to do. Do I move forward or crawl in bed?
Today, I am fighting the emotional side of me there is no logic!
Today I wish I could go back 51 days.