A letter to William

My Dearest William,

Mommy is wearing down quickly. I am tired of people trying to come up with reasons why you are not here. None of their speculation matters it only hurts me. I feel like they are trying to tell me something was wrong with you. Truth be known, you are perfect in my eyes no matter what. No matter what problems might have been I would have taken anything you had to throw at me. We would have made a wonderful life for all of us anyway.

I never got to see you awake, I never got to see your smile yet I picture you in my mind all the time. Your perfect face and perfect smile, your beautiful hands and feet. I wish I could reach out and kiss you, and hold your hand. I wish I could hear all of the things that I will never get to hear.

I miss you more and more everyday. I am finding that I never knew how much I could love someone. I never knew how much I would love you.

I've had a lot of anger, I've been mad at God, Mother Nature, Myself, Daddy, some friends, and all of my doctors. I'm not used to the anger, not in this form. I find myself wondering why you didn't fight and then I realize you were such a little man and how could I expect that of you?!

I know that I need to let go of the anger as nothing is going to bring you back. My dearest boy, I blame myself, I couldn't protect you and I was supposed to. I wish I would have known or had a way of keeping you safe.

It's been yet another day, still stupid comments from others and still me wondering why. Yet when I get really down, only you will understand this but I see a hawk, I know it's you. I know you in your spirit form are trying to calm me down and let me know you are alright where you are. I just wish in my heart I felt that all the time.

I hope some day to find peace with all of this. I hope someday, when we build the new house that you were to grow up in, you'll join me in your room. Yes, I said your room. I have talked to Daddy and he knows that I want a room dedicated to you, all of the things we have of yours. Although we don't have much, a lot of pictures your ashes and your bear. I still need you to have your own room. Of course, your bear will probably always be with me. Always sleep with me. It's the one thing I have of you that I can touch that you touched too besides my heart and soul.

Should you have a sibling someday, he or she will always know about you. With any luck they will feel your presence and know how much you are loved by all of us here. I hope should we be blessed with a sibling of yours somehow, someway you will find your way back to us in the physical form.

Grammi, has very strong beliefs in the after life and reincarnation. I hope I can feel those beliefs and hang on to them. I hope she is right that we meet the same people in each life in different ways but always the same people.

My little bug, I miss you more than you will ever know, for you I will try to move on from here. Please forgive me if I fall behind once in a while. It's hard to be here without you. Every song I hear seems to remind me of you and everything in nature I see seems to remind me of the things we won't get to do together. Yet, I know you know all of the things we do, I know you wanted to be here. You just knew for yourself that there were other things to be completed before you could come to be with us.

If I believe in what your "Aunt" Sam says, "Guardian Angels, have never walked on earth." I have to believe that you had a higher purpose. Now mind you Mommy is talking of the spiritual sense here. So, maybe you are helping others find their way in life. I hope you are helping me too.

My little bumble, I love you more than the moon, the stars, and the sun. With all of my being you will always be in my heart and soul and I will never forget you.

With more love than you will ever know,

Your Mommy