My brain is not functioning at all anymore! I think of things I need to do and instead go grab my book and start reading. Mind you it's a good book and it has caught my attention so doing anything until it's complete seems pointless.
I still feel as though I am a non feeling person. I cry ocassionally for a couple of seconds and then, my tears they just dry up...not a single one left to cry. Am I cried out? Do I have any freakin' fluid left in my body to come out of my tear ducts? I just don't have it in me to feel sad, I'm tired dammit! Very, very tired for absolutely no reason.
All I have done today is, read, go to the bank, go to the gas station to get my Powerball tickets (money wont' make a difference but hey if my luck is bad on one end can't it be good on the other?), and then to the post office. I then decided to go to Hallmark and read through all of the sympathy cards. The happy cards just aren't for me and I figure I might as well stock up and be the bearer of sympathy to those that need it who the hell needs happy cards anyway?! Well, Hallmark not a good idea!
Wandering the isles of cards and looking for anything to make my day. I hear "oh, she's so cute, look she says d-u-c-k now" What to my wandering eyes do I see but a little girl and her Mommy! Yeah, thank you! I want to say, "don't you have something to do at home? Can't you not shop during the day? Don't you have a babysitter? " I say non of the above mentioned. Instead, I go to the counter with my pile of cards, I ask if they can get the key to get some charms out. (hoping she'll ask why I want those charms) She doesn't ask, just does. I wanted her to ask so I could say well these two are for me and my husband and this one is for my son, he was STILLBORN, December 13. I wanted to say it so the other Mommy would hear it but I didn't get my chance. I paid and left, cursing my whole way to the car, "Can't you fucking leave your kid at home? This is my day!" Of course, it's not my day, I don't have one of those but I can pretend! I then think, "Amy, you don't have a heart." But you see I do and mine is broken. Theirs gets to go on beating as though it's normal mine is not normal. Mine is in a million pieces and seeing other children breaks it into a million and ten! The older kids I can handle now, but the young ones, not a chance in hell.
So, I am home now, obviously and writing this post. I am thinking of all of the things I should do, vacuum, dust, dishes. Instead, I think I'll go get my book and try to forget about Hallmark! So here's to my not so good Friday but I do believe I will fix myself an Amaretto sour and read a bit. Maybe it will turn into a better Friday after all!
4 comments:
Days like this are so hard, but this is all SO normal. Your heart is broken, and it may be a long time still before the sight of little ones doesn't upset you so much. No one could blame you for feeling like you did.
Next time you want to tell someone, just say it!
I don't think you should feel like you have to do anything. If you want to read all day, then do it. Whatever it takes to get through this hell.
I, too, want people to ask me things, just to give me a reason to say I have a dead baby. I hope your day got a little bit better, Amy. XO.
I think one of the reasons I was glad to go back to work was so I wasn't around during the day. I never realized before how much the days belong to mums and their babies. They were everywhere here all the time.
At work during the day and only venturing out at night pretty much means that I can avoid them most of the time. Not this week though and it sucked.
Read your book, don't do anything you don't want to do. Hope your Amaretto sour was good x
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