My brain is not functioning at all anymore! I think of things I need to do and instead go grab my book and start reading. Mind you it's a good book and it has caught my attention so doing anything until it's complete seems pointless.
I still feel as though I am a non feeling person. I cry ocassionally for a couple of seconds and then, my tears they just dry up...not a single one left to cry. Am I cried out? Do I have any freakin' fluid left in my body to come out of my tear ducts? I just don't have it in me to feel sad, I'm tired dammit! Very, very tired for absolutely no reason.
All I have done today is, read, go to the bank, go to the gas station to get my Powerball tickets (money wont' make a difference but hey if my luck is bad on one end can't it be good on the other?), and then to the post office. I then decided to go to Hallmark and read through all of the sympathy cards. The happy cards just aren't for me and I figure I might as well stock up and be the bearer of sympathy to those that need it who the hell needs happy cards anyway?! Well, Hallmark not a good idea!
Wandering the isles of cards and looking for anything to make my day. I hear "oh, she's so cute, look she says d-u-c-k now" What to my wandering eyes do I see but a little girl and her Mommy! Yeah, thank you! I want to say, "don't you have something to do at home? Can't you not shop during the day? Don't you have a babysitter? " I say non of the above mentioned. Instead, I go to the counter with my pile of cards, I ask if they can get the key to get some charms out. (hoping she'll ask why I want those charms) She doesn't ask, just does. I wanted her to ask so I could say well these two are for me and my husband and this one is for my son, he was STILLBORN, December 13. I wanted to say it so the other Mommy would hear it but I didn't get my chance. I paid and left, cursing my whole way to the car, "Can't you fucking leave your kid at home? This is my day!" Of course, it's not my day, I don't have one of those but I can pretend! I then think, "Amy, you don't have a heart." But you see I do and mine is broken. Theirs gets to go on beating as though it's normal mine is not normal. Mine is in a million pieces and seeing other children breaks it into a million and ten! The older kids I can handle now, but the young ones, not a chance in hell.
So, I am home now, obviously and writing this post. I am thinking of all of the things I should do, vacuum, dust, dishes. Instead, I think I'll go get my book and try to forget about Hallmark! So here's to my not so good Friday but I do believe I will fix myself an Amaretto sour and read a bit. Maybe it will turn into a better Friday after all!