I'm tired, I take something to help me sleep it doesn't work. I can only nap in the afternoon like I did when I was pregnant. I can't sleep at night. I'm 33 and when I do sleep I sleep with a teddy bear. Granted it's Williams bear but a bear none the less. I can't sleep without it.
I am so tired of people thinking I should be over this and the damned question, "what's the matter?" What the hell do you think is the problem you dumb asses? It's been 55 days since I have been without William. How bad is that? I count the days, I even have them marked on my calendar. I can't get rid of the calendar that has "Baby due" written on it. Yet, I have the days marked that I have been without him. It breaks my heart and spirit to have all of this.
Like others, I am due for my fucking period to start next week and the damned PMS has kicked in again! Oh, yeah! I hate the fact that I am going to have a period this month and next. I am not supposed to have another real period until April sometime maybe even May.
I've always been a needy person but now it's worse. I woke Shan up and asked him to hold me the other night. I proceeded to cry myself to sleep enveloped in his arms. He asked me if it helped to be held and I said yes. Which it does but not as much as I wish it would. I guess I do sleep at night, sometimes. Of course, I don't feel like it because I wake up often, thinking there is something wrong. Yes, there is something wrong, we all know what it is.
So, today I'm done. I'm tired and crabby. Tomorrow is yet another day and no it won't be any better. Chances are it will be worse. Still, somehow I will drag my ass out of bed and muddle through the day. Sometimes I think the only reason I get out of bed is because it puts me one day closer to William. You know, one day closer to my "natural" death, one day closer to being able to hold him again. In a sense it's morbid and backwards. You would think I would be saying it puts me further away from him as I count the days. Maybe I will figure all of this crap out somehow, someway, someday.