Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I'm done.

I'm tired, I take something to help me sleep it doesn't work. I can only nap in the afternoon like I did when I was pregnant. I can't sleep at night. I'm 33 and when I do sleep I sleep with a teddy bear. Granted it's Williams bear but a bear none the less. I can't sleep without it.

I am so tired of people thinking I should be over this and the damned question, "what's the matter?" What the hell do you think is the problem you dumb asses? It's been 55 days since I have been without William. How bad is that? I count the days, I even have them marked on my calendar. I can't get rid of the calendar that has "Baby due" written on it. Yet, I have the days marked that I have been without him. It breaks my heart and spirit to have all of this.

Like others, I am due for my fucking period to start next week and the damned PMS has kicked in again! Oh, yeah! I hate the fact that I am going to have a period this month and next. I am not supposed to have another real period until April sometime maybe even May.

I've always been a needy person but now it's worse. I woke Shan up and asked him to hold me the other night. I proceeded to cry myself to sleep enveloped in his arms. He asked me if it helped to be held and I said yes. Which it does but not as much as I wish it would. I guess I do sleep at night, sometimes. Of course, I don't feel like it because I wake up often, thinking there is something wrong. Yes, there is something wrong, we all know what it is.

So, today I'm done. I'm tired and crabby. Tomorrow is yet another day and no it won't be any better. Chances are it will be worse. Still, somehow I will drag my ass out of bed and muddle through the day. Sometimes I think the only reason I get out of bed is because it puts me one day closer to William. You know, one day closer to my "natural" death, one day closer to being able to hold him again. In a sense it's morbid and backwards. You would think I would be saying it puts me further away from him as I count the days. Maybe I will figure all of this crap out somehow, someway, someday.


HLHArts said...

Unfortunately, the trouble sleeping is still following me into month four, which is today. I hope it gets better for you.... I am so sorry honey.

c. said...

That's one thing I haven't had to deal with. I have no problem sleeping. I sleep heavy and as often as I can. Maybe I'm trying to sleep my way to C@llum?

People are idiots...which is why I pull away. I don't want to have to explain what's wrong. They should damn well know what's wrong. It's all just a bit too exhausting, really.

Thinking of you.

kalakly said...

Boy....if we said it once we said it a million a times, People,we do not "get over" our babies dying! If you can't handle that, there's the door."

Don't listen to em, anyone who tells you to get over it, has never lost a child.

The sleeping, I used to do the pills and the naps. I found when I stopped the pills and especially the naps, that I slept better at night. Like C. said, I sleep hard and deep and try like hell not to dream....

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Antigone said...

I find the worst part of every day is when I try to fall asleep. I don't have anything good to dream about anymore.

BCC said...

You know, the more I think about it the more disturbed I am by the way our culture handles grief. Or rather, the way it DOESN'T handle grief - like grieving is an aberrant behavior, requiring an anti-depressant so that you can hurry up and "GET OVER IT ALREADY" and stop making the rest of us so uncomfortable with your soul-eclipsing agony.

Its all so trivializing and marginalizing of the great loves and losses of our lives.

I am so terribly sorry that you feel this agony, but I deeply believe you have earned it and should be allowed to live it without shame or the need to hurry up and move on.

Once upon a time in our culture, people were entitled to a bereavement period when they lost someone they loved. Widows (and widowers and parents, etc.) wore black or gray or purple shades and weren't expected to "Celebrate!" and "Be cheerful!" There was an honor in their grief and society respected their loss.

I would certainly wish that for you - that people respect your grief and honor your sense of bereavement. You have earned that.