9 months

My dearest William,

Mommy wishes so much that you were here to celebrate this huge marker with. I miss you more than words can possibly begin to say. The last nine months have been so hard and yet, at the same time, so rewarding. I have met many miraculous women that have walked in my shoes. I don't like that I have met them for this reason but I am more grateful everyday to know them.

Daddy and I have gone through our ups and downs and as for giving you a brother or sister, well, that has yet to be decided on just one side of the fence. Mommy is ready. Another child will NEVER replace you, my dear son. You will always hold a very special place in my heart and soul. You are the one that got away. I realized the other day, when you were still here with me, living inside of me, I had asked Grammi, How will I ever let him go? How will I be strong enough to let him grow up? How will I trust that he'll choose the right things in life? Grammi said, you'll learn and one day you just will. Well, I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now, I had to let you go a whole lot earlier than my head was even allowing for and my heart, oh, my dear child, my heart still doesn't want to let you go. I don't think it ever will.

More than the sun and the moon and the stars, we love you Sweet William.
Mommy and Daddy

Nine- Eleven

I've said those numbers so many times in my life. You see, my birthday is nine- eleven, nineteen-seventy-four. They roll off my tongue. Yes, today supposedly, I am another year older. Although if you ask me in person, especially today I will tell you that I am twenty-seven. Every year on this day I tell people I am twenty-seven. In 2001 I decided I no longer had to celebrate a birthday. I mean really, who wants a birthday with such a crappy conotation behind it? Not me! Then again, who the hell can forget my birthday? They may not no how old I really am, but they know when to wish me happy birthday! So, happy birthday to me!

I've had a lot of ups and downs since I last posted. We're on the ttc train again. I think I'm excited. Honestly, I don't know where my feelings are these days.

I am sorry, I haven't checked in on any of you, I hope you are all doing well. I just found it easier to stay away, it made it easier for me to function IRL.

Truly, nothing new here...nine months, William's nine month anniversary is two days away. I have mixed emotions about this also. It'll be alright though. I mean, really, I've survived this long and no one thought I would, including myself!

You all take care and thanks to all of you for checking in on me for the last month plus! I truly appreciate it!

Checkin' out because I just can't handle checking in!

This is how I feel right now. I started this blog seven months ago to track and to purge my feelings. I'm on a so-so track right now about the loss of William. I miss him dearly, I always will.

It's not that I don't appreciate the support here. It's that I am feeling a bit tongue tied and twisted and to be honest, jealous. I just can't handle another pregnancy, if it's not mine. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel. I don't mean it to. It cuts like a knife though and I just can't handle the pain anymore.

I may run off like a dog with it's tail between it's legs only to come back begging for support but, today, I'm checking out. I will more than likely lurk, when energy allows me to. I do not believe I will comment though. I'm a bit redundant now days and a bit selfish too.

I know, I've done this before, left and come back. I'm sure I will be back around the nine month mark, I'll come back screaming. In the meantime, could you all do me a favor though? Please, don't forget about our William. Please, don't forget about me. I need to know that you will be here when I need you even though, I'm not here for you all right now...see, I told you I'm selfish!

To those of you that are pregnant, Congratulations (softly or loudly, however you want it!), I'm wishing for you all only the best. For the rest of us in this rut, you know what I always say, I'm wishing you all peace in this journey and some hope. Hope that someday we can join the subsequent pregnancy spot along this blog roll. Good luck to you all and much, much love. Over and out, stick a fork in me for now, I am done.

Because I could use a little fun! Maybe, we all could!

I'm a Mercedes SLK!

You appreciate the finer things in life. You have a split personality - wild or conservative, depending on your mood. Wherever you go, you like to travel first class. Luxury, style, and fun - who could ask for more?

Take the http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

So, tell me what car are you?

He

Is more than a friend. He's our roommate. A seventy something, Santa Claus look a like. He's funny and caring, has a good sense of humor, loves to argue and most of all is our adopted DAD! He's Big Daddy Wayne. He too was looking forward to William being here even bought him clothes and Halloween costumes.

Today, we found out the worst possible news. It's either Hospice or Chemo we're told. Chemo is the choice he's made. It's going to make him sick, very, very sick.

My heart is sore, it's had one loss that I never thought I'd survive and now this. Now, my dear, sweet, lovable friend is going to face the fight of his life, literally.

I will try to keep updates going and to say the least the baby making front is on HOLD. For good reason. We will be taking care of Big Daddy as he goes through his treatments.

I am hoping that Big Daddy won't be joining William too soon. I do however know that when he gets there William will be spoiled rotten by him.

Please be thinking of us as we need all of the thoughts and prayers we can get at this time. Much love and peace to you all.

Hello again my friends, hello!

It's been a while and I sure have missed your smiles! Or tears, or whatever there may have been while I was away. I just missed you all!

I have so much going on right now. The last couple of weeks have been decent. I have had one pretty bad day and the rest have truly been the roller coaster of this "new" life.

We had our first steam show, you can see pictures and what it's all about at http://www.wmatma.org/, it was a nice show and we had fun with our friends. They allowed me to talk about William without judgement and they even purchased a rock for William's garden for us. It is beautiful (I'm too lazy to take a picture and post it!) It has a dove and two crosses on it (carved in it of course!)

I went to the lake with a friend the other day and swam and talked and got fried! When will I ever learn that they created sun screen for a reason? Maybe someday!

I have been keeping up with your posts I just haven't had the heart to comment on many of them. So, here's my response to what I have read.

Shaina,
I know it's been a rough time for you and I am so incredibly sorry that I can't be there to hold your hand throughout all of this. Grace is always in my thoughts and prayers.

My friend, Aunt Becky,
I know you will be alright. I know this ickle will stick. I just wish that you knew that too!

Antigone,
My heart aches for you and you know this. My thoughts are with you and the little bean. It's all good. You'll be all good and just fine when the time comes for the little one to come into this world. You'll make an excellent Mommy!

Ange,
Congratulations! Wow, what an exciting and scary time in your life. I'm very happy for you and this new "little" one! I am sure that all will be just fine!

Janistan,
I am sorry about your mother, I too hope she wins the fight of her life. Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease that rears it's head when it wants to. I am hoping and wishing the best for her even though your relationship with her has been difficult, I know this (cancer) is something we wish on no one we love and care about.

Julia,
I do believe I posted this on your June 14th post but again, THANK YOU for remembering my dear sweet William. It means so very much to me. I have catching up to do on your blog and promise to do so soon!

Isn't it Pretty,
A bowl of cherries our vagina's are not! If they were none of us would have these problems but I do love the mistake as it is sooo something I would do! And to friends, like the one who gave the "correct" response, CHEERS! Big cheers to her!

Becky,
I am thinking of you and glad that you graduated from IC! Sounds like a major feat! And yes, all will be good and fine! Lily will be fine!

Little miss Hopeful,
I wish the days weren't so dark and the nights were full of sleep and that your tummy was full of food and your heart not so strained. I wish many things for you but for today I will wish you peace.

Rosalind,
Our brains, what a miraculous part of our body that allow us to never forget! Occasionaly, it serves as a reminder of what we don't have and the reasons as to why or the lack of reasoning. We may not get the answers and NO your thinking had nothing to do with the loss of Micah. I too feel that the things I said, made William not want to stay with us. But, I have come to realize that this is just not true. I hope you find some peace in the near future and that these thoughts don't weigh you down too much.

Mr. and Mrs. Spit,
I think of you both and Gabriel often. I hope you know that your words speak to my heart. I hope you know that I was thinking of you both on your anniversary even though I didn't write. I will say too that I hope you get the opportunity to be parents to a child here on earth because, I KNOW you would make fabulous parents! You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

CDE and STE,
I don't know where to begin. I'm glad that alcohol hasn't taken over your lives and that there is a smidge of "normalcy" if you will. I am also so incredibly sorry for all that you STE, are going through. This is most definitely not a path lined with roses. The dust and clouds take over and clamp down on your heart and soul. I also know the ones closest to us can sweep away the dust and let some light into our souls, let C., hold you close and hold him too. You need each other. Feel free to block the rest of the world out just never, never block one another out.

Yummy,
I can't believe that it's been eight months. I know that Aodin is in a safe place. I know he is playing with William. I know that you are a good Mommy. I know you are a good Mommy, because no parent would want their child to suffer what Aodin would have had to suffer to stay here on earth. Big hugs my friend big hugs.

Katie,
It's hard not to have anxiety when you have gone through all that you have to get to where you are. Your little man will come out on the good side of things. I just know it! Hang in there! And as for the friendly skies, don't fly airlines that don't understand HIGH RISK pregnancy, maybe they should be told that pregnancy doesn't come easily for EVERYONE, what butt holes!

Beth,
Cute tummy! Thank you for staying in touch with my blog. I don't know that if I were in your shoes that I would be so brave. I think you will make and incredibly compassionate, caring, loving Mommy!

C.,
I do not know how you handled the butterfly thing. I would have been a big huge, screaming, blubbering mess! The natural food chain is not for me. I can't watch any of it, ever, not even on t.v.! As for K., what a sweet child you have, I do hope that you get more conversations with her in the future.


Coggy,
I do hope that your consultants appointment goes well. I am sorry about the whole midwife appointment. I can't imagine, I am sure it is difficult to be in your shoes. I'm thinking of you though!

Kalak.ly,
Happy belated birthday to C.! That was an amazingly beautiful post. Now, on to your post prior...my hope is that you will relax a bit and that this time will be different from last time. With all my heart I hope only good for you!

To anyone that I may have inadvertently left out, You are in my thoughts and prayers, each and everyone of you. Anyone on Mel's wonderful blog list is always in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is full of hope that each and everyone of us gets the chance to be parents to a child here on earth. My soul is full of hope that we all can teach others what, IF, pregnancy loss, neonatal loss is all about and how to "deal" with us in the correct way.

Now, I am going to ask for a favor, there is a little girl who needs some prayers. She is fighting the good fight to kick cancer's butt! If you'd like to know more about her you can read about her here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilyclevenger . I do not know her personally but have attended fundraising events for her here in the city. I know her family is extremely grateful for any prayers they can get!

I am going to be away for another week. This time, I won't have the chance to check in. We are going for a family reunion on Shan's side. Of course, we'll be missing one. That would be our sweet William. He will be there in spirit but not physically. I will have a difficult time being there without him but I will, we will, get by. After the family reunion it's time for me to spend some time with my Niece and Nephew and my Mom, Sister, and Papa (Mom's fiance). We're going to a cabin to enjoy some family time at a lake! I can't wait!

You all take care and look to the stars for that is where our children are! Big hugs to all of you and wishing you much peace!

God bless America and all that's good and holy!

This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!

Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!

I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.

With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.

I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.

ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!