William's first Easter

(William's new bunny with his bear)

We got through Easter with a few bumps but got through none the less. I started off crying, I know that William is too small to hunt Easter eggs but I so wanted to get him a basket, instead I got him a stuffed Easter Bunny, I'm sure I will have millions of stuffed animals before my lifetime is done here. Shan understands, he lets me cry. He doesn't say much, he is a man of few words. This day was hard for him too. Like so many other parents out there who do not have their children with them today we too had dreams. We had dreams of our little man all bundled watching his cousins act crazy at the family Easter egg hunt.

As I sit here typing away, I think of all the things I wanted to say to my little man yesterday, I wanted to tell him why Easter exists. No, we are not religious people but I do so like the religious stories behind certain holidays. I wanted to tell him that his cousins are crazy and no, they don't really need all that sugar but they'll eat it just the same.

I also think of how we are planning Williams memorial service. What a horrid thing to plan. We are supposed to be tired from a baby keeping us up instead we are tired because we are depressed. Shan, the man of few words said he'd like a friend of ours a Reverend, to come say a few words at Williams service. Wow, that struck me hard. William's poor Daddy, thinking about his service and how to do it "right," whatever that might be. He says things and not a tear in his eye but a lost look. He looks so sad, his baby boy isn't here. We had so many dreams that were dashed so rapidly.

This day, the day after Easter isn't much easier. I wake up and kiss William's bear, I tell William that I love him and that I will try to be strong today. Wishing all the while I was kissing him and not his bear.

I hope all of your Easters had some happy times. I know for most of us the sad times prevail. I hope for all of you a little peace as this year passes. I hope next Easter isn't so hard. I hope to get William's memorial service planned and done "right!" I hope for so many things and so many of the things I hope for are not things that will come true but I hope, I have that at least, hope.