Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Take it to the limit

one more time (stolen from the Well, I get pushed and I get pushed. To be honest, I don't know which way to turn. Yesterday, was Williams Original due date also, Shan's Mom's birthday (May she Rest in Peace, while holding our son). I managed to get through. Some incredibly rough patches of crying and screaming but I'm here today! So, let me get onto the pushing part!

A friend I have known since kindergarten who has absolutely no intentions of hurting me, emailed today. Two guesses what the email says and the first one doesn't count! Oh, yes, I'm sure you got it right both times! She's pregnant with her 2nd, 15 weeks and expecting mid September. I just don't know how to respond. Yes, I'm happy for her but I am too angry and sad for myself to email her back. I love her, she's always been there for me but now, she doesn't know how to be there for me. The only ones that do are my family and you all. Which mind you isn't bad but it hurts like hell that others lives get to move on and I'm in a holding pattern of doctors appointments and sperm strike!

So, I pose the question to all of you, how the hell do I respond to her email politely while explaining my pain? She knows what we have been going through but how do I tell her it's worse than she thinks? Any assistance would be greatly appreciated as, I am horribly afraid of coming of rude and spiteful (computers don't allow for tone of voice).


Becky said...

How would she handle it if you just laid it all out and told her the truth? I tend to be pretty straight forward about that stuff, but I don't know your relationship with her.

I have a question for you: can I put William Henry's name on my blog? I'm doing a sort of memorial for my angel babies, and I wanted to put his name up there, but didn't want to do it without your permission.

HLHArts said...

Email is tough because you have to be so careful not to sound rude... but I am with Becky. Just tell her the truth.

I think I'd say something like, thank you for thinking of me during this exciting time for you. I want you to know how much I care about you, and how happy I am for you, but I am hoping you will understand when I ask you to take me off your emails about the new baby right now. With everything I have been through, it's just too much.

... I don't know...

I hope you figure something out that makes everyone feel alright, but most importantly something that makes YOU feel better.

Antigone said...

I had to write one of those e-mails recently. I was just honest. I wrote that I was having a hard time with my loss and it was really difficult for me. It was well received. I think it really helped to let them know how much I was hurting and that although I cared for others, it was difficult to celebrate.

Amy said...

Yes, Yes and Yes again to putting William's name on your blog! I appreciate that!
H., I might just steal all that you said and put in in an email...I'm waiting until I grow balls though!
Antigone, I am hoping that honesty is the best policy, she is a good friend and should understand put we'll see! Thank you, three!

Becky said...

His name is there, his life will be remembered by all of the kind souls who read my blog. He will continue to be remembered with each holiday we pass, as I have decided to make this a tradition.

*hugs* Amy *hugs*

Send anyone my way who would like their children remembered in my dedication. I don't want to miss a single one who'd want to be there, but I don't want to be intrusive, I just want to spread out the kindness to as many souls as I can.

c. said...

I had to respond to one of those emails about a month after c died. I wrote: Congratulations, [friend's name]! I'm so thrilled for you. All the best with your pregnancy.

I don't have to tell you that I am completely without balls.

G said...

lol add me to the ball-less category with C (which I am fine with, I sport an inny, thank you very much).

I just respond with a grats and leave it at that. I also realized I still do want to know what's going on and via email, I can chose to read, reply or do nothing on my own terms.

But then, if she starts sending weekly pregzilla obnoxiousness, I would have to slam down some deadbabyness so she shuts her piehole.


CLC said...

I think I would be honest. I mean I would offer my congrats but then I would tell her that this is very hard for you. My husband just told friends not to vacation the same week as us for our sake, because we don't want to hang out with their newborn baby. How's that for bluntness?

Ya Chun said...

How did the email go to your friend? I would be really honest.
Also, I throw this out for your contemplation- maybe she is contacting you not only because she wants to share this with you but because she is more worried for her pregnancy since she has seen your loss. Maybe you can support her and warn her (not obsessively) about the things to look out for that you have unfortunately learned since reading al of these blogs. Decide if this may help you to heal.

Jenn said...

I got here through Becky's blog (Mommy Wants Vodka) and this post hit home for me. When I lost my second pregnancy, it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant. Literally SEVEN people in my life were pregnant within 2 months of me losing my baby. It was almost impossible for me to be kind to any of them. I was never intentionally UNkind but it was difficult to be happy for them. The loss of a child is a devastating thing and it's one of those things that you cannot truly understand until you have been there yourself. I'm so SO SO incredibly sorry for your loss. And I applaud you for what you did to celebrate the memory of your son. *hugs* to you.