This last week has been so difficult. Who knew that three months was going to be such a hard time. Shan and I are talking but not as much as I would like. I cry. He works. I cry. He keeps busy. I cry. He tries to calm me.
Truth be told he's hurting really bad this month too. All of the reminders, Saturday was the day the Doctors had given us for our 2nd due date. They kept bouncing it around. I found out yesterday that my sisters friend who was due the 26th (William's original due date), is being induced on the 17th (this is the day that I swore William would be born as we are not Irish but we do have the drinking down!) to say the least I'm happy for her but I am also very sad. For reasons I am sure you all know!
Shan and I talked tonight, I would like to try again for another baby, he on the other hand doesn't think he can do it. He most definitely cannot go through losing another child. Losing William has broken him. He doesn't talk because he just truly doesn't know what to say to me and to be honest, I talk enough for everyone! I just feel as though he is holding it all in and one day he's going to blow. I would have to say that frightens me. What else frightens me is this: I am selfish!
I realized this tonight after our discussion, it seems as though he has some fears about his own health and is afraid that he will not be around for as long as I seem to think he will be. The selfish sides of me are saying, well, if something happens to you I don't want to be left alone, I want a child of ours to be here with me. (I'm reading this again and freaking out...what a B am I?!)I don't want to be left alone here. Please, don't leave me alone here without someone to hold on to that looks like you and reminds me of you.
Now, let me state that there has not been any reason for me to think that Shan will, ok, I'll say it...die any time soon. He has a pain that is undiagnosed and will be taken care of in the next month so, no really there is no reason to worry. Wow, there's the optimist in me again! Glad she's back for a bit! Yet, ok lets play the pessimist game. What if...what if there is a problem and I do lose him too. No, I cannot survive that , I don't think I even want to go there. But if I had to, I think the only way to survive is to have a child here that is ours. Someone I have to be responsible for. So, I guess wanting a child is now for very selfish reasons.
No, I am not through the pain of losing William and physically and mentally we couldn't start to try again for a couple of months at least. However, I want to know that the possibility is still there. It used to be and I think he vacillates just as much as I do on this particular subject. Lucky for him he's not selfish. Sad for me I am!