Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Selfish little brat!

This last week has been so difficult. Who knew that three months was going to be such a hard time. Shan and I are talking but not as much as I would like. I cry. He works. I cry. He keeps busy. I cry. He tries to calm me.

Truth be told he's hurting really bad this month too. All of the reminders, Saturday was the day the Doctors had given us for our 2nd due date. They kept bouncing it around. I found out yesterday that my sisters friend who was due the 26th (William's original due date), is being induced on the 17th (this is the day that I swore William would be born as we are not Irish but we do have the drinking down!) to say the least I'm happy for her but I am also very sad. For reasons I am sure you all know!

Shan and I talked tonight, I would like to try again for another baby, he on the other hand doesn't think he can do it. He most definitely cannot go through losing another child. Losing William has broken him. He doesn't talk because he just truly doesn't know what to say to me and to be honest, I talk enough for everyone! I just feel as though he is holding it all in and one day he's going to blow. I would have to say that frightens me. What else frightens me is this: I am selfish!

I realized this tonight after our discussion, it seems as though he has some fears about his own health and is afraid that he will not be around for as long as I seem to think he will be. The selfish sides of me are saying, well, if something happens to you I don't want to be left alone, I want a child of ours to be here with me. (I'm reading this again and freaking out...what a B am I?!)I don't want to be left alone here. Please, don't leave me alone here without someone to hold on to that looks like you and reminds me of you.

Now, let me state that there has not been any reason for me to think that Shan will, ok, I'll say it...die any time soon. He has a pain that is undiagnosed and will be taken care of in the next month so, no really there is no reason to worry. Wow, there's the optimist in me again! Glad she's back for a bit! Yet, ok lets play the pessimist game. What if...what if there is a problem and I do lose him too. No, I cannot survive that , I don't think I even want to go there. But if I had to, I think the only way to survive is to have a child here that is ours. Someone I have to be responsible for. So, I guess wanting a child is now for very selfish reasons.

No, I am not through the pain of losing William and physically and mentally we couldn't start to try again for a couple of months at least. However, I want to know that the possibility is still there. It used to be and I think he vacillates just as much as I do on this particular subject. Lucky for him he's not selfish. Sad for me I am!


Anonymous said...

Wanting a child is NOT selfish! Did you read my post on how spoiled/selfish I feel? I know what you mean about feeling selfish for wanting something...especially if your husband doesn't, but wanting to be a mom is a core part of who we are sometimes. And it is not selfish to act on it. It is not selfish to want your lifelong dream to come true. It is NOT! Beating yourself up about it is not going to change how you feel, either. You can hate having brown hair, but that's not going to make it red stop hating yourself for wanting to be complete. You are human, you are grieving, you are a mom, you are a wife. I don't think you are a selfish brat.

HLHArts said...

Three months was, for me, the hardest time so far... so I think this is totally normal. And no, you are not even a little selfish wanting to have another child. There is nothing nasty about wanting a child of yours to carry on with you if you lost Shan. It is just the way we are. You'd have a child, and a part of him too.

I say just give it time. Since you know you aren't quite ready to start trying again right now anyway, wait it out and let yourselves heal little by little. When you are feeling really ready to try again, then sit down and talk to him about it again and just see how it goes!

I'll be thinking of you today.

G said...

I believe you both wanted William for all the same reasons you want another baby now, you just didnt realize it. It's not selfish, it's just continuing the dream you had before this horrible thing happened. Your husband will realize that when he is ready. These men, they suffer so much differently than we do.

Amy said...

Thank you all for your kind comments, I need them today. I will always feel selfish in someway, I'm sure. Namely because I want my son and nothing will replace him or can even come close!

I want a child so badly more than likely due to the fact that I'm supposed to have a healthy little boy here with me now or in less than 15 days!

Again, I aprreciate the words and need them so badly. I need to know that others understand me when I feel like those IRL don't.

c. said...

I think my need to have another one is selfish, too. I mean, for god's sake, I already have two. Why this pressure to have another? Why hurt myself and my famil over and over again just to get what I already have? I agree with g. though that wanting a baby, after the stillbirth, is just a continuation of what we wanted before. I want that family of three. I want that dream I've carried for years. And although it makes me hopelessly glum that C@llum could not be the one to fulfill that dream, maybe, just maybe, the next one can? In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to be juggling these emotions and feelings. Unfortunately, we live in a wretchedly imperfect world. XO.

Amy said...

I like the "wretchedly imperfect world," I am beginning to feel this way and yet I used to see the glass as half full.

Katie said...

Though I have never lost a baby in a pregnancy as far along as yours, I do know that my husband and I went through similar phases after each of our losses. One of us would want to try, while the other was not ready. It took a long time to get on the same page, almost a year after our last loss, really. It would make sense that after losing William, you both would be unsure of what the next step might be.

And as for your fears of something happening to Shan, well, I think that's pretty normal, too. I mean, you have learned first hand and the hard way, that life is NOT fair. Bad things happen to really good people. Saying excuse me, please, and thank you does not insure that life will turn out the way that you hope or expect. Of course, wonderful things happen, too, but after living the bad, it's so hard to think anything but the worst.

As others far wiser than me have said, give it some time. There will no doubt be some clarity to your thinking as time passes. I am thinking of you.

CLC said...

Amy - I have the same fears. I am always in fear of something happening to my husband- and I don't have any reason to be like that, but I think it's normal. Unfortunately, we know death and we also know how precious life is and how it's truly a miracle. I don't think it selfish, I think it's natural. Give him time, maybe he'll come around. Maybe you can go to a high risk doctor together for a consult if you haven't already done that? That way he can ask his questions and hear the answers himself.

Beth said...

Amy, I don't think you are being selfish at all. I have also had those thoughts about what if one day something happens to either of us. Jeremy & I have already decided that if there was a possibilty to remove sperm or eggs at that time we would do so, so if we wanted to even after the person was gone, we could have their baby somehow. I think it is important to talk about all issues including those. My biggest fear is being alone too.

Azaera said...

Honestly what you're feeling isn't selfish at all, in fact I have felt the same and the opposite, I always wanted to have a kid so that if I die then my partner has some small piece of me left in our baby.. and vice versa, I would want to have him in the form of our baby. So I don't think it's selfish at all. It seems normal to me to want to keep such a precious, wonderful reminder of the one you love.

kate said...

No, it is not selfish...and i agree with the other commenters, maybe just give him a little time. Men are different than we are...mine for sure did not have that overwhelming desire/need for a child, that i did after our loss. But it was also important for me personally to separate desire for another child from desire for Nicolas...and that did take some time. More than 3 months, i would say. And the due date is such a hard time. I will be thinking of you (((((hugs)))))

Becky said...

It is absolutely not selfish to want to have another child. I think that feeling selfish, or even being selfish at times, comes with the territory. It's NOT something to feel bad about. We've all been there, and if someone tells you they haven't, they are probably not being honest with themselves.

There is a huge difference between wanting to be a mother and needing to be a mother. After the loss that we have experienced, the need is so much greater than the want. It's primal, going far beyond what we can ever imagine. And it was very difficult for my husband, and our family, to get that. We will never feel complete again without the babies that we are missing. We will always look at a family picture and feel as though someone is missing. Even if the family is just two.

I have faith that your husband will start to come around. Like someone else said the 3 month mark was hard for us too. We lost Dylan in May and it took Derick until about September to finally talk about things. And when he did, he admitted that he was having a hard time because he felt like he didn't know his son like a father should. And I have to add that for me, after loosing the boys the thought of loosing Derick is terrifying and much more real. So I know exactly how you feel when you say that you need a child that is a part of him.

Anyway, it's a good thing that you both realize you need some more time. When you are ready, you'll know it...and so will he. Take the time you need, you both have a whole lifetime ahead of you.