Put on your big girl panties and step out into the world!

(Thanks, G. for the picture for the post!)

I awoke today with a turn in my stomach, my annual pap was at 10:00am (rescheduled from last week thanks to Mother Nature, my period starting 3 days before I had planned!). I went in the office thinking I could put my big girl panties on and they would stay up. I was alright when I arrived, only two women in the office both older and not within child bearing age. I checked in with the cheery receptionist who said, "no changes to insurance? Have you been in within the last year?" to which I laughed and replied "most definitely." Thinking of course, do they ever check a chart around here? As I sat in the waiting room, in walked three, yes three pregos and one Mommy with her little one in a carrier. The receptionist asked the one with the tyke in tow, "how old is HE?" "six weeks," she replied. Me sitting there thinking oh, great how much more of this do I have to hear? Oh, so much more to come! She sits down next to a prego and the prego says, "I can't wait to get to that point, I only have seven more weeks left." "The last two months are hell," replies the Mommy. I'm thinking to myself, A. do I have my ipod with me and B. shut the hell up, bad things happen to good people. Finally, I get called back, "please step on the scale." "How are you?" "I'm here," I reply. "I don't know if that's bad or good," replies the cute little nurse. "It's NOT my favorite place to be," I say. She drops all other conversation and states, "have a seat in the small waiting area, if you need the restrooms they are right down the hall." Once again, I want to say, "Hello, B, I have been here too many times to count and the last time was NOT, I repeat, NOT a happy time." I however keep my mouth shut and sit down. I stare at my shoes, and the picture on the wall away from all of the other people who are yes, pregnant. I think to myself, I'm alright, I'm doing alright. WRONG!!! In comes Mommy with her 6week old boy and sits yes, right next to me with the carrier sitting at my toes. I'm OK, I can do this. The baby starts to whimper and my first thought is to grab him and run, my second thought which is what I did was to run to the end of the hall. I get to the end of the hall and stare out the window, looking at the clouds and praying with all of my might that they will call me soon. I wait ten minutes and get called, I find my solace in my little room, where my BP is taken and I'm told to undress and wait, the doctor will be in shortly. 30 minutes later the doctor arrives and she hugs me and says she is so sorry and yes, she too is nine months pregnant. No, I don't look at her tummy and she knows why. We talk and I cry and she says someday she hopes I will be where she is. I say I hope so too. She has suffered IF, for years, so I sort of feel a connection (not that I suffer from IF, but she too has had hopes dashed.) I leave feeling a bit better but realizing that my big girl panties have fallen around my ankles and I thought they would stay up.

I came home and slept, worked my way through the rest of the day, I managed to pull my panties back up. I seemed to be doing better. My sister called, she had left a message, so I returned her call. She wanted to tell me something, she didn't know whether or not she should but she decided it best. What is this thing she wanted to tell me? My nephew, my sweet lovable nephew who is going to be 9 this month, told her, "I wish Aunt Amy would have told me earlier that she was pregnant." "Why?" my sister asked. "Because, maybe I wouldn't have wrestled with her so hard, or jumped on her, maybe William would still be here." Big girl panties falling again, I cry, "no, no, no, he, there wasn't anything he did wrong. I will talk to him but I want to talk to him in person." B, my sister says, "he's been so quiet for the last couple of days, I didn't know what was wrong until he brought this up." My nephew is not the quiet type. Only when he is sad. I hung up with my sister after the tears and the usual I love yous. I thought for a minute and called my Mom, I did the usual talk with her, hung up and decided to call my nephew. If he was thinking about this I didn't want him to have a sleepless night. So I called, "Hey L & M it's Aunt Amy, may I speak to BC?", "just a minute we'll get him." BC comes to the phone and I say, "BC, I don't really want to get into this on the phone but I do want you to know, you had nothing to do with William not being here." "I know" comes a sad voice. " Do you really know?" I ask. He says,"Hey, do you remember when we were at the lake? Did you swallow any water? I mean because if you did, the germs could have..." "BC, no, I didn't swallow any water and nothing..." "But remember you were trying to get me away from your tummy and you were tired that day, you were pregnant but we didn't know it yet, you didn't tell us." "BC, there is nothing you did wrong. There is nothing any of us here on earth could have done to prevent this. We have no answers but it definitely was not you." "O.K." he says. (Niece crying in the background b/c she wants in on the conversation.) We decide to leave it at that and talk later, my Niece is a Drama Queen! She gets loud and we decide to leave it be for now. I tell him I love him and to please remember there is nothing he did wrong, nothing he could have possibly done to have made William not be here. Big girl panties are back around my ankles again.

I live in the mid west, big girl panties is something we utilize to put on our game faces. My panties didn't want to cooperate today, they didn't want to stay up, my game face was no good. My true feelings came through and my heart breaks everyday that William is not with us. I guess it'll be another day when I decide to put on my big girl panties and step into the world, until then, I think I'll stick to my training pants and put my thumb in my mouth and cry.