Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

What the fuck ever! I know, I'm full of crap, I just like to pretend that it'll all get better from here! What I really need to say is this...I'm so damned tired of feeling this way.

I am sad and angry all of the time and it takes absolutely nothing to set me off. This is all so unfair and instead of searching for misplaced items in my house I should be nursing my son. Instead of yelling at someone, I should be sitting in my rocking chair rocking my son. The ringers should be off on the phones and I should be napping when I can. I should have a nursery instead of a guest room. I should have a lot of things and instead I am feeling as though I have nothing.

Don't get me wrong, my imaginary (you in my computer, that's what my mom calls you all!) friends, have and do help tremendously but I am feeling like the one person who should get it doesn't. That one person being, Shan. Instead of talking he shuts down and gets angry about the most insanely stupid crap. Then it starts the domino effect...I start slow and build, then I cry and get really mad! Why can't I support him? He doesn't talk! How can you support someone when they don't talk?

For fucks sake is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to have one full decent day? A day without tears, a day without anger, a day without the utter sadness that I feel?
Yes, again, another rough day and to be honest I thought I was doing alright today...guess not!

Grammi's cool Easter gifts for William

Here is William's Easter Lamb and Bunny from his Grammi, the picture of the backside is the gumball that the lamb is built on. The bunny has the same butt, you'll just have to imagine it!

Not a large sum but thankful just the same and Becky, you Rock!

Before reading, Becky's blog or Heather's for that matter. I took it upon myself to pay for the lady behind me in the Starbucks (yeah, they are everywhere) drive-thru. I asked the cashier to hand the lady a card that states: "An act of kindness in memory of my son, William Henry Johnson Born Still December 13, 2007 Born still...but still born. Always loved...never forgotten." It wasn't a large amount of money but it did make me thankful to do something just the same.

It made me feel good and sad all at the same time, how I would love to do this in honor instead of in memory. Why today? Well, as most of you already know, yesterday was Williams original due date and yesterday, I just didn't have it in me to be kind to anyone, including myself. So today, I chose to be kind, to share the story of my son (the short version) with a stranger. I hope that it made the lady behind me happy to get a free drink, I know it made me a little more happy to share my son today.

I don't know how to thank Becky, a non-loss Mom, for all of the kind things she does for all of us. I think the best way to thank her is to donate to my favorite's on my list of Tithing's (baby loss tithing's that is) in honor of Alex and in memory of all of our little ones. She got the ball rolling so how about you?! Are you in? If yes, then I then I would like to hear about what wonderful thing you have done to pay it forward.

Again, Becky thank you for being who you are, a wonderful, loving woman. We all would like Alex to know how much you, his Mommy, ROCKS!

Take it to the limit

one more time (stolen from the Ea.gl.es). Well, I get pushed and I get pushed. To be honest, I don't know which way to turn. Yesterday, was Williams Original due date also, Shan's Mom's birthday (May she Rest in Peace, while holding our son). I managed to get through. Some incredibly rough patches of crying and screaming but I'm here today! So, let me get onto the pushing part!

A friend I have known since kindergarten who has absolutely no intentions of hurting me, emailed today. Two guesses what the email says and the first one doesn't count! Oh, yes, I'm sure you got it right both times! She's pregnant with her 2nd, 15 weeks and expecting mid September. I just don't know how to respond. Yes, I'm happy for her but I am too angry and sad for myself to email her back. I love her, she's always been there for me but now, she doesn't know how to be there for me. The only ones that do are my family and you all. Which mind you isn't bad but it hurts like hell that others lives get to move on and I'm in a holding pattern of doctors appointments and sperm strike!

So, I pose the question to all of you, how the hell do I respond to her email politely while explaining my pain? She knows what we have been going through but how do I tell her it's worse than she thinks? Any assistance would be greatly appreciated as, I am horribly afraid of coming of rude and spiteful (computers don't allow for tone of voice).

William's uber cool Grammi

(Grammi was the winner at the egg hunt! Not!
The kids were worn out and their baskets too heavy so
Grammi hung on to the baskets for them!)

William's Grammi truly is uber cool! Of course, I would think that, I am her daughter!

I talked to my Mom this evening and found out that she got William the most cool Easter gift. A little gumball/sugar lamb with a purple ribbon around his neck. Now, purple is the color I associate with William. It has been since the day he was brought into this world. You see everything we got from the hospital in regards to him was purple. So purple is his color.

The extra cool thing is, I was standing outside this morning wishing I could make it to the store that sells these cute little things. I just knew I didn't have time. So, I had decided that next year I would get two of these little collectible (edible if you're a kid) treats.

I don't have to wait until next year! My Mom, being the awesome Grammi she is got William his. She said, "I should have gotten it the other day, I just didn't know how you would feel." Funny thing is, my Mom always knows how I feel. She was afraid of pushing the envelope too far. Now she knows that's not possible! Not where her little grandson is concerned. She went and picked out what she had originally wanted to get and got it! I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited!

Thank you Mom! I love you more than the moon and the stars and the sun and so does William!

William's first Easter

(William's new bunny with his bear)

We got through Easter with a few bumps but got through none the less. I started off crying, I know that William is too small to hunt Easter eggs but I so wanted to get him a basket, instead I got him a stuffed Easter Bunny, I'm sure I will have millions of stuffed animals before my lifetime is done here. Shan understands, he lets me cry. He doesn't say much, he is a man of few words. This day was hard for him too. Like so many other parents out there who do not have their children with them today we too had dreams. We had dreams of our little man all bundled watching his cousins act crazy at the family Easter egg hunt.

As I sit here typing away, I think of all the things I wanted to say to my little man yesterday, I wanted to tell him why Easter exists. No, we are not religious people but I do so like the religious stories behind certain holidays. I wanted to tell him that his cousins are crazy and no, they don't really need all that sugar but they'll eat it just the same.

I also think of how we are planning Williams memorial service. What a horrid thing to plan. We are supposed to be tired from a baby keeping us up instead we are tired because we are depressed. Shan, the man of few words said he'd like a friend of ours a Reverend, to come say a few words at Williams service. Wow, that struck me hard. William's poor Daddy, thinking about his service and how to do it "right," whatever that might be. He says things and not a tear in his eye but a lost look. He looks so sad, his baby boy isn't here. We had so many dreams that were dashed so rapidly.

This day, the day after Easter isn't much easier. I wake up and kiss William's bear, I tell William that I love him and that I will try to be strong today. Wishing all the while I was kissing him and not his bear.

I hope all of your Easters had some happy times. I know for most of us the sad times prevail. I hope for all of you a little peace as this year passes. I hope next Easter isn't so hard. I hope to get William's memorial service planned and done "right!" I hope for so many things and so many of the things I hope for are not things that will come true but I hope, I have that at least, hope.

A special one for Kalakly

Hoppy Easter to all and to all a good night!

I less than three all of you!

(so cute a sideways heart!)

Awww, how sweet! Lovely G. at makes us stronger, has bestowed upon me a wonderful honor! Now so you all know I less than 3 everyone here. If it hadn't been for all of you I might as well have left my big girl panties in a ball in my drawer for the last 3 months!

I so appreciate all that each of you do for me here (not to get all sappy and shit! But, hey you know what happens when I start writing!) that whole in the computer friendship thing is so nice!

So, I will pass this on to 4 lovely women! Only because otherwise, I would do my whole blog roll! So, here it goes! Shaina at Open Window...you have given me so much strength in the last week and I truly appreciate all of it! Also, Shaina needs others to help her through a rough go of having to move and make big transitions in the near future! Beth at Taking Chances, one because she's a hometown girl and 2 she honestly is a sweetheart having a rough go of trying to get prego! My other dear friend, H. at Yummy Sushi Pajamas, she makes me laugh, think, not want to eat and I think of her and her little guy all the time. Lastely but not least by any means! C., at My resurfacing, my heart breaks when I think about you and your Callum and the pain we all experience. Yet I find solace in what you write.

Now mind you I think of all of our children everyday! I would like eventually to do a scroll on my blog with all of our babies names. I say so many of them out loud each day, I try to keep all of them alive for all of us.

Again, G. I so appreciate this wonderful honor and to all of my friends out there I less than three each of you!

Put on your big girl panties and step out into the world!

(Thanks, G. for the picture for the post!)

I awoke today with a turn in my stomach, my annual pap was at 10:00am (rescheduled from last week thanks to Mother Nature, my period starting 3 days before I had planned!). I went in the office thinking I could put my big girl panties on and they would stay up. I was alright when I arrived, only two women in the office both older and not within child bearing age. I checked in with the cheery receptionist who said, "no changes to insurance? Have you been in within the last year?" to which I laughed and replied "most definitely." Thinking of course, do they ever check a chart around here? As I sat in the waiting room, in walked three, yes three pregos and one Mommy with her little one in a carrier. The receptionist asked the one with the tyke in tow, "how old is HE?" "six weeks," she replied. Me sitting there thinking oh, great how much more of this do I have to hear? Oh, so much more to come! She sits down next to a prego and the prego says, "I can't wait to get to that point, I only have seven more weeks left." "The last two months are hell," replies the Mommy. I'm thinking to myself, A. do I have my ipod with me and B. shut the hell up, bad things happen to good people. Finally, I get called back, "please step on the scale." "How are you?" "I'm here," I reply. "I don't know if that's bad or good," replies the cute little nurse. "It's NOT my favorite place to be," I say. She drops all other conversation and states, "have a seat in the small waiting area, if you need the restrooms they are right down the hall." Once again, I want to say, "Hello, B, I have been here too many times to count and the last time was NOT, I repeat, NOT a happy time." I however keep my mouth shut and sit down. I stare at my shoes, and the picture on the wall away from all of the other people who are yes, pregnant. I think to myself, I'm alright, I'm doing alright. WRONG!!! In comes Mommy with her 6week old boy and sits yes, right next to me with the carrier sitting at my toes. I'm OK, I can do this. The baby starts to whimper and my first thought is to grab him and run, my second thought which is what I did was to run to the end of the hall. I get to the end of the hall and stare out the window, looking at the clouds and praying with all of my might that they will call me soon. I wait ten minutes and get called, I find my solace in my little room, where my BP is taken and I'm told to undress and wait, the doctor will be in shortly. 30 minutes later the doctor arrives and she hugs me and says she is so sorry and yes, she too is nine months pregnant. No, I don't look at her tummy and she knows why. We talk and I cry and she says someday she hopes I will be where she is. I say I hope so too. She has suffered IF, for years, so I sort of feel a connection (not that I suffer from IF, but she too has had hopes dashed.) I leave feeling a bit better but realizing that my big girl panties have fallen around my ankles and I thought they would stay up.

I came home and slept, worked my way through the rest of the day, I managed to pull my panties back up. I seemed to be doing better. My sister called, she had left a message, so I returned her call. She wanted to tell me something, she didn't know whether or not she should but she decided it best. What is this thing she wanted to tell me? My nephew, my sweet lovable nephew who is going to be 9 this month, told her, "I wish Aunt Amy would have told me earlier that she was pregnant." "Why?" my sister asked. "Because, maybe I wouldn't have wrestled with her so hard, or jumped on her, maybe William would still be here." Big girl panties falling again, I cry, "no, no, no, he, there wasn't anything he did wrong. I will talk to him but I want to talk to him in person." B, my sister says, "he's been so quiet for the last couple of days, I didn't know what was wrong until he brought this up." My nephew is not the quiet type. Only when he is sad. I hung up with my sister after the tears and the usual I love yous. I thought for a minute and called my Mom, I did the usual talk with her, hung up and decided to call my nephew. If he was thinking about this I didn't want him to have a sleepless night. So I called, "Hey L & M it's Aunt Amy, may I speak to BC?", "just a minute we'll get him." BC comes to the phone and I say, "BC, I don't really want to get into this on the phone but I do want you to know, you had nothing to do with William not being here." "I know" comes a sad voice. " Do you really know?" I ask. He says,"Hey, do you remember when we were at the lake? Did you swallow any water? I mean because if you did, the germs could have..." "BC, no, I didn't swallow any water and nothing..." "But remember you were trying to get me away from your tummy and you were tired that day, you were pregnant but we didn't know it yet, you didn't tell us." "BC, there is nothing you did wrong. There is nothing any of us here on earth could have done to prevent this. We have no answers but it definitely was not you." "O.K." he says. (Niece crying in the background b/c she wants in on the conversation.) We decide to leave it at that and talk later, my Niece is a Drama Queen! She gets loud and we decide to leave it be for now. I tell him I love him and to please remember there is nothing he did wrong, nothing he could have possibly done to have made William not be here. Big girl panties are back around my ankles again.

I live in the mid west, big girl panties is something we utilize to put on our game faces. My panties didn't want to cooperate today, they didn't want to stay up, my game face was no good. My true feelings came through and my heart breaks everyday that William is not with us. I guess it'll be another day when I decide to put on my big girl panties and step into the world, until then, I think I'll stick to my training pants and put my thumb in my mouth and cry.

Selfish little brat!

This last week has been so difficult. Who knew that three months was going to be such a hard time. Shan and I are talking but not as much as I would like. I cry. He works. I cry. He keeps busy. I cry. He tries to calm me.

Truth be told he's hurting really bad this month too. All of the reminders, Saturday was the day the Doctors had given us for our 2nd due date. They kept bouncing it around. I found out yesterday that my sisters friend who was due the 26th (William's original due date), is being induced on the 17th (this is the day that I swore William would be born as we are not Irish but we do have the drinking down!) to say the least I'm happy for her but I am also very sad. For reasons I am sure you all know!

Shan and I talked tonight, I would like to try again for another baby, he on the other hand doesn't think he can do it. He most definitely cannot go through losing another child. Losing William has broken him. He doesn't talk because he just truly doesn't know what to say to me and to be honest, I talk enough for everyone! I just feel as though he is holding it all in and one day he's going to blow. I would have to say that frightens me. What else frightens me is this: I am selfish!

I realized this tonight after our discussion, it seems as though he has some fears about his own health and is afraid that he will not be around for as long as I seem to think he will be. The selfish sides of me are saying, well, if something happens to you I don't want to be left alone, I want a child of ours to be here with me. (I'm reading this again and freaking out...what a B am I?!)I don't want to be left alone here. Please, don't leave me alone here without someone to hold on to that looks like you and reminds me of you.

Now, let me state that there has not been any reason for me to think that Shan will, ok, I'll say it...die any time soon. He has a pain that is undiagnosed and will be taken care of in the next month so, no really there is no reason to worry. Wow, there's the optimist in me again! Glad she's back for a bit! Yet, ok lets play the pessimist game. What if...what if there is a problem and I do lose him too. No, I cannot survive that , I don't think I even want to go there. But if I had to, I think the only way to survive is to have a child here that is ours. Someone I have to be responsible for. So, I guess wanting a child is now for very selfish reasons.

No, I am not through the pain of losing William and physically and mentally we couldn't start to try again for a couple of months at least. However, I want to know that the possibility is still there. It used to be and I think he vacillates just as much as I do on this particular subject. Lucky for him he's not selfish. Sad for me I am!

It's your day...

and I'll cry if I want to.

Today you would be three months old.

What a mile stone that is. I wish you were here with us.

We miss you more than words can say.

We hope you know what is in our hearts.

We wish for you peace where you are.

We hope you are playing with Sammy Cat.

We love you more than the moon the stars and the sun.

(To readers: If you turn your volume up you can hear the song that links us to our William)

Three long months

Tomorrow marks three months since we found out we lost our little man. Today marks three months since the last time I was blissfully happy. How I wish I could be that happy still and counting the days until he is here. Instead, I'm counting still the days we have been without him here with us. It hit me this evening. I miss William, I miss him more than words can say.

Along with missing him I actually miss the old me. The me who didn't always think what if, or I'm really not sure how much longer I have here on earth. Not that I mind thinking the latter, I used to but not now. It just doesn't seem so bad now. I know when my time comes I will get to see my sweet little boy and hold him and kiss him for all of eternity.

This week is going to be difficult this I know. The dates fall exactly the same as they did that dreadful week three months ago. Only this week to top it all off, I have my annual Pap! Oh, yeah, instead of going in for and u/s or to pee in a cup or hear a heart beat, I get to have that fab speculum shoved you know where and swabbed! Oh, yeah for me!

Yes, this week will be hard. I will however work my way through it, I will wish for next week to be better and this week to hurry up and end! Maybe just once the universe will work in my favor and make it a little easier on me! We can all hope can't we?!

Wonderful People...

Did anyone see the Today Show today? There was a story about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It is very touching. I wish when William was born I had known about these people. I found out about them when it was too late. I support them all the way! I think the work they do is awesome and I hope that more people are aware that they exist. Please take a look at the video, it was too large to load so you'll have to follow the link.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435

In other news...

There's a new kid on the block, Lisa, please go give her a warm welcome to this "club" of ours!
She lost her 2 boys in December due to IC.

I'm working with a woman who started an advocacy group in our area. Hopefully, it will be up and fully running by the end of the year. I know it's a long time however, these things take time and patience. I'm excited about working with her. She lost her child in 1978, born still. She has so much insight and is working on getting the Missing Angels Act in other states.

The weather here is definitely, Midwest! Welcome to Misery, oops Missouri is so true! 70 today and 30 tomorrow with snow! Oh,yeah! More over time for Shan.

I'm not sure what else is actually new but we have a lot of things ahead of us, a lot of hard times.
I'm working on Williams memorial service, not sure when it's going to be, definitely this month but we are waiting on the weather (mother nature) to cooperate with us. If you all have any suggestions I am open to what ever would make the day more memorable than it already will be. Williams due date is the 26th of this month, so I'm not looking forward to that or maybe I am, I'm not sure yet! I have phantom baby kicks which scare me and make me think he's still here. Of course, he's not which is sad to say more than likely a good thing right now as I am sick, I can hardly breath, if he were still with me I'd be huge and not able to breath! Don't know if either of us would make it! Not to say I wouldn't be willing to give it a try. Hell yeah, I'd try if it meant that I could watch him grow up instead of planning his memorial service.

We'll see how this week progresses, it's still very difficult but with the help of you all and my IRL friends, Shan and my family I will exit the extra hellish roller coaster some day and just enter the hell coaster! Thank you all for all of your support! I need it!

Another Update

This one is not about me or William!


This one is for my friend C. the one I told you about with the hyster and all.

She called yesterday. She's doing alright. As best as can be expected.
She's on the roller coaster! She feels as though she had a triple whammy.
1st she lost her son, then she almost lost her life, then she lost the ability to carry a child of her own. They left her ovaries, which is a good thing of course.

She and her husband have opted to adopt. They had opted for that even before all of the other bad stuff happened.

She is strong, she will make it through the fire but not without some help. We will get together next week for lunch and a chat. Her boat is different than mine but she doesn't begrudge me what I may still be able to have. She is a caring, loving person who believes truly that everything happens for a reason and that there was a plan long before anything actually happened. She has her faith.

Thank you all for your kind words regarding C., I will pass them on to her when I see her.