Happy Birthday!

So, you'd be 2 today! Your Grammi, Aunt, Uncles, cousins, & Godparents came to celebrate you with us! Grandpa Wayne couldn't be here today as he's in hospital and Grandpa B, came by earlier bringing you a gift! You have a stuffed Stingray now, and man is it cute! ! Grammi brought your ornament...some Mittens, they are so little and cute and were wrapped in sun, moon, and stars, tissue paper! We had pizza, as per our usual and cup cakes...the kids and women, sang happy birthday and the kids blew out your candles. The kids turned on the lights, inside and out and they will be on now until after the new year! We had a good time, weird to say but true! There is a sense of peace that comes about on your birthday! I know you are alright!

Happy Birthday our little one! We love you, more than the sun, the moon and the stars!

Dearest William,

Twenty-four months, it's an unforgiving amount of time. In three short days it'll be two years since I found out that your heart stopped. In six days it'll be two years since I held you. This year has been full of obstacles the greatest for me is the fact that you are not here with us. I really don't have words to describe my feelings this year. I am upset because I haven't yet decided what to do for your birthday. I want to do something but it seems that November and December suck for our families anymore, we have all sorts of bad that happens and it all happens around your season. Your season being the start of the holiday season, you know Halloween! That kicks it off, your costumes that Grandpa Wayne got you hang in the closet awaiting me to do something with them, I look at them and cry...you will never fill them. Then we have Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for a lot but I am hard pressed to be joyous about too much! Then we have St. Lucia Day (not celebrated in the US but in Sweden which is a huge part of your heritage) St. Lucia Day is your day, you are a child of light! Although in Sweden the child of light is a girl...I choose to believe that it can be you! You were born onto this earth on the very day it's celebrated! So, once again, as my thoughts go back in time, I think once again I'll have the kids over we'll light up the house with the Christmas lights and have some cake. Hopefully, I can get the energy to clean the house...but if not, it'll be family anyhow! Kiddo, I love you, I miss you more than words can say and I love you more than the sun, the moon and the stars.
With all of my heart,
Your Mommy

Hmm

I think I've said it before...the things that make you go, hmmm!

Life has a way of throwing it's curveball when you least expect it!
The big guys doctor told him yesterday that he gives him six months to a year to live. To me that means the doctor is a MORON! Really, even if pushed do you tell anyone that? Hell, I could be hit by a MAC truck today and well, there's the end of my life! What if a doctor told me I had six to twelve months to live? I'd probably say well so do you! Watch your back doc...you never know! No, I'm not threatening anyone...I'm just saying no one knows when their last day will be...not in advance! If they do well then they are psychic or well in my eyes strange!

Shans brother is moving in with us...yes, I will have 3 children(grown men who think the world revolves around them!), none whom I have birthed and all over the age of 45 living with me! Yeah! Can't freakin' wait! I'm resolved not to let this ruin my life! If anything, it will make me stronger along with my relationships!

Other than that, really nothing new on this front. I stopped tracking my cycles as really it was just too much energy to expend and too stressful. When was my last period? Um, well, I'm not sure! Sometime last month! I kind of like not knowing! It eases a lot of "maybes." Then again it has me thinking...when was my last cycle? Oh, hell, it doesn't really matter does it?! I'm not a binge drinker, I've been taking better care of me and I've lost 12 pounds...that is a plus in my book of life!

So, dear friends, how are you and what have I missed?

Time

It's been a while, a long while since I stopped and had a good cry...truly mourning my son. I read a blog tonight, it broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I had to step outside to have a good cry. I feel cut to the core again. The knife is back and it's stabbing and twisting and aching.
No, it's not the post itself that did this, it was one phrase, "so that he does not die again," It made my heart ache. It made my brain and heart jump back in time. My heart aches for all of us who have this thought. We try so hard to keep our little ones alive in our hearts, minds, spirits, and every day life. Sometimes I, myself forget that I'm not the only one living this life (yes, even though you all are in my computer and I've met some families in real life) the one where the child didn't make it out alive and I have to pretend like I'm alright. Sometimes I still feel so alone and yet, for a long time I haven't thought about any of it. I had to go outside to apologize to my son. I am sorry that I have been moving forward without looking back. I am sorry that I didn't take the time everyday to mother him the way he deserves. I am sorry that I haven't been in blogland where I can honor him, remember him, and share him with the rest of the world.
I am sorry that any of us have to live in this land of make-believe. Don't I wish that were all it were, make-believe. I'm going to revert to my sad phase of grief again, it somehow seems a bit healing. Then I'm sure anger will kick in but acceptance can still kiss my ass! That text book shit is for just that, a text book!
Tomorrow is another day and maybe the knife will stop twisiting in the morning, then again maybe not...tomorrow is a new day.
In the meantime, if anyone can think of a way for Carly to keep doing her site...please link to her post and send her a message. If there is one thing I hold onto it's the picture she took of William's name in the sand. Her Christian's spirit inspired her and lives on in that photo I have in my office. I don't want to see her dream go down this way...I want her dreams to move on ward and upward!

Eloquent

I am not. I do not have fabulous writing skills. I write like I think and like I speak. My thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. Puncuation...what's that? I loved E.ngli.sh classes growing up but I didn't pay much attention to any of it but the reading part.

I had hoped to keep up with this blog to remember William some more. Truth is, I don't need the blog to remember. Amongst all of the things I have around my house, the things I wear, My necklace with his ashes, the mother and child necklace, the ring with his birth stone and the ankle braclet a dear friend made for me with a bell that symbolizes William, I have all of the reminders I need. What I do miss from blogging is the support that I have received since I started this thing.

I am reminded a lot that "no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to!" So, I am not feeling inferior. I just don't know where to go from here...like the title says.

I feel as though I have made a lot of forward progress, if that's what we want to call it. I have done a lot to make my world a better place since losing William. Of course, somedays it still feels like a nightmare. You know, the never ending one that repeats day after day?! The one that you thought you had but can't really remember after waking up.

I don't know if blogland is where I'm supposed to be these days or if I should just try to live in the RE.AL world. Whatever that may be these days. I have no answers, no sage words of ass.vice for others or any true thoughts except for "I'm sorry," "I'm thinking of you," "or wishing you peace." You know what even those get old whe you type them too much. It's like the broken record on my turn table, it skips over and over and over again.

I miss my kid, I still get queasy when family and friends announce they are pregnant, my only thought for them is, " I hope you don't have to go thru what we've all been thru." Then the jeaoulsy still kicks in, why them, why NOT me? Will I ever get my break? I guess, time will tell. Maybe some day soon, my break will come.

I'm not standing on my head waiting for little tadpoles to swim towards my eggs (that is assuming I still have eggs), I am not swinging from the rafters whooping and hollering, hoping to get pregnant. Most days it doesn't cross my mind. Most days sleep ( a really good nap ) crosses my mind. But the thought of putting the effort into ttc doesn't even appeal to me right now. Maybe the thought was never there to start with. Do I want to be a Mom? Yes, most definitely but will it ever happen? I don't know and I don't have the energy to put into that thought these days anyhow.

So, where am I going with this? I'm not sure! This started as my online journal, to keep my feeling in tow and know that I wasn't alone in some of the crazy thoughts I had...I think I'll stick with that. It is still my journal and if someone wants to use it against me then you know what go right ahead. These are my thoughts, this is my space and I'm still learning how to live MY life.

Life, it's like a box of choc.olates!

You never know what you will get until you take a bite.

Since being "asked" (read, kicked out of, that's how I feel about it)to leave support group, I have actually accomplished a whole lot more than I thought I would. Have I gone to another group? No, I have turned to Shan, which is who I should have been talking to first anyway! He's been incredibly supportive and since his grief train has just started coming around the bend we've been able to help one another. Grief takes a break and then comes back with avengence...she's cruel and evil! I have been working a lot and staying busy which is a very good thing.

The big guy ended up in the hospital about a month ago, we almost lost him...phone call at 2 am said, "you need to come back, they aren't sure he's going to make it." He made it, he's grumpy and home now, but most of all he's alive! Cancer is an evil disease, kind of like grief, cancer too takes a break and then comes back with avengence! Trying to get into clinical trials is no easy task...the news reports on something and you can't get a trial with the same drug ANYWHERE! I have searched everywhere! It wears me out and makes me sad and yes it angers me!

We attended our 1st Ste.am show of the season and it was wonderful...hot yes, but so much fun to be with great friends who just plain understand life! Now it's of to Io.wa for the holiday! Excited to see our fabulous family and eat spectacular chicken at our favorite place in south.east Io.wa!

I would love to talk about what else I've been up to but know that some people use my blog to attack and hurt me, I cannot talk about all I have been doing here. I so wish I could share with you all because it's what I love and what I'm good at but some(you know who you are, since I'm sure you are still reading to see if I talk about you!) just don't have the security in themselves to read this and leave me be!

Wow, yes, I sound bitter and I guess a bit of me is... well, maybe a lot of me!

Stuff

So, I haven't been blogging much, I haven't had the time, or well the energy! This is how lazy I've been, last week I ran out of sugar of which I use every morning for my coffee. I go to the store once a day or at the least every other day, I kept forgetting it so I used the chocolate coffee syrup, when it was gone I used the vanilla coffee syrup, I used all of it. Then I turned to the cosmopolitan sugar I had in the liqour cabinet, you know the pink colored sugar you put on the rim of a cosmo glass?! Yes, I had pinkish colored coffee for about a week. Shan looked at the sugar and said, "what the hell is that?" to which I replied, " I keep forgetting sugar and this is all I have, you know, I like my coffee polluted!" "Ewww, gross, that's disgusting!" he said. So, yes, lazy I am but now I have sugar, the real thing and all is good, well at least where the coffee is concerned!

It is 96.8 degrees today with a heat index of 105 NO I DO NOT live in ARIZONA or the desert! It is flippin' hot! You can hardly step outside for more than 2 seconds without breaking a sweat! Fat girls don't like heat! It's not like I can put on a bikini and lounge outside...that would scare even me not to mention the drivers on the highway out front of my house! I can only imagine the accidents it would cause!

Shan and I went to the grocery store the other day, 87 degrees with the heat index of 100 and parked next to us was a car with an elderly, hairy, beautiful dog. The windows were up. We proceeded to do our shopping, when we returned 20 minutes later said vehicle with dog was still there. I was angry now...Shan went back in the store and told the officer (you know the one they hire to stand around and look good!) about the dog. I was contemplating breaking a window, I know better but still. Dog vs. Heat not good! Officer came out and wrote down license plate and went back in to have it announced over head...Shan wanted to unload groceries so we came home...he was afraid he'd unload on them! We rushed to unload groceries and jumped back in the car to go make sure the dog wasn't still there. No dog, no car but really how dumb are people? I want to tell them, "why don't you sit your ass in the car with no air, no water, and the windows up for as long as you left your pet!" How do you think that would make them feel?

Some days are just like this, you have to vent and such!

Father's Day went well for Shan, although for me not so good! Shan decided that since it was Father's Day I HAD to do everything for him! Such is life! At least he enjoyed his day!

No good way to wrap this up so off to a steam show I go this weekend and hope the heat doesn't off me!

It's been a long strange trip...

well not exactly but it sounds good anyhow! I'm completely out of the loop here in blogland and I apologize tremendously for that. I have plenty of excuses but will only use the pertinent one to explain! WORK is busy and scary all at once! We have been busy and working on policies is kind of scary...it's keeping me going in all directions!

On the grief front, she (grief) seems to have decided to take a vacation! We had a couple of interesting weeks where Wayne was in hospital and not doing to well but, he is since home and doing good! He's alive and that's what matters most, at least to me! I'm selfish that way!

We are gearing up for steam show season and will be hitting the road weekend after next to go to our 1st show of the season with the steam engine! It's going to be HOTTTTT and muggy or it'll rain like the monsoons hit the plain states...we'll see what happens, anyhow, it's a chance to get away from responsibilities and act like a child again myself! It'll be the 1st time since losing William that I will feel like this is a vacation and not a chore! I kinda frighten myself with how excited I am about it!

Most everything is going well here except of course the economy but hey, that's hitting everyone, everywhere! One day it will all turn around and we'll all be better people for it all!

Do hope that this finds everyone well and I will be posting again soon, I promise! Next time it won't be so mundane, I don't think!

I'm NOT going to hide...

They've seen what they want...they used what they wanted and you know what...this is MY space! I need the support still! Grief doesn't just miraculously disappear one day...it lingers. On top of that, I didn't get the chance to wish ALL of my blog friends, Happy Mother's Day and I needed support yesterday too! Blah! So, posts will be short and right now, life is alright but I will be posting more soon!

DC

I’m home! The Symposium was in one word, SPECTACULAR! Sunday, we got in at 12:30 to Baltimore and to the hotel by 2:00 in the afternoon. Then we were up all night going to the monuments and enjoying the sights. We got to bed about 1:00 in the morning. Monday, we didn’t have anything until 1:00pm and thought; we could make it to the Lincoln Memorial and somewhere else and still get back in time for our Peer Support training. WRONG! The closest metro stops to the Lincoln Memorial are about two and a half miles (the one we took to get there!) and one and a half miles (the one we took to get to the hotel!) To say the least it took us two hours round trip to get to and from the Lincoln Memorial! ARGH! Support training with Sherokee Isle was very informative and interesting, it reaffirmed my feelings on peer support! It’s needed and nothing compares to someone who’s been there, done that!
Tuesday was the Symposium, it started in the morning we had three speakers and a lot of information on Cord “accidents”, Cord placement, and testing that Mom’s should get. We also had a speaker from the pathology side of things and how we need to train more coroners on how to appropriately do an autopsy so that more things can be found instead of giving parents, unexplained diagnoses. Dr. Jason Collins, my new love shared with us all of his information on how so many of these Stillborn children could and should have been saved. He has a website and I can tell you, should I be blessed enough to get pregnant again, at 28 weeks, I’ll be going to Louisiana to become his patient. Where William was concerned he (Dr. Collins) could not have helped me but maybe in the future I will have the chance for him to help me! Possibly, Dr. Ruth Fretts can help me also! She was another OBGYN there that spoke very eloquently of other things that other physicians do not share with us…um, FOLIC ACID is a MUST and WATER, WATER, WATER…. drink it and pee clear would you, please!
The afternoon session started out with my new dear friend, Suzanne Pullen and her video on her son Avery, who was born still at 24 weeks. Her talk ended with her video of her son Quinn, her subsequent pregnancy, whom Dr. Collins ensured made it earth side. Quinn’s birthday…December 13, 2006…one year to the day prior toWilliam coming to earth still. To be honest I was crying so hard I blocked some of the other information coming in after Suzanne! There is so much information, I have the slides and will have everything tidied up in about a week. We had a Memorial Service for our babies, we held hands, and we cried, we giggled, we loved!
At dinner we had two incredible Moms’, one of which brought her child to the world a bit early do to using Kick Counts. Had it not been for counting kicks and recognizing her child’s movements her baby would not have made it earth side. However, she used a kick counter and got to the hospital, she was able to deliver earlier than planned and her baby made it earth side. Our other speaker, another bereaved mom who is incredibly courageous, got up and told us why co-sleeping is NOT good! Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with William in my arms, now I know, that will not happen…a crib next to the bed…that’s fine…someone else around when I am tired…that will happen. Lisa, fell asleep with her son on the couch and she rolled on top of him. She suffocated him. YES, it WAS an accident…now she goes around the country telling parents of safer sleeping habits with your child. So, now, here is my plea…PLEASE PUT THE CRIB NEXT TO YOUR BED, GET A HALO BLANKET AND USE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR CRIB BUT A CRIB SHEET!! I WANT ALL OF YOUR BABIES TO LIVE LONG, HAPPY, HEALTHY LIVES! I don’t want anyone to feel the pain my new friend Lisa feels.
To say the least this was yet another late night and a very emotional day…which ended in going to sleep late and having to get up early again on Wednesday. Wednesday was our day on the hill. What a beautiful site! So, many people and we were there on the same day that our President was there doing Appropriations meetings! No, regretfully we didn’t see him but we did see the secret service agents, and all of the security (um, sub machine guns!) It’s kind of scary but fun too! We saw Senator Kerry and got a picture of him. We also saw the Kansas Legislator, Dennis Moore (we had a meeting with him); we have pictures of us with him. There’s a lot of walking involved when you lobby, it’s truly not for me. I enjoyed it all very much. I would do it all again but I’ve learned my lesson, I need sleep! I need to go to bed at a decent time and then catch up on all of the interesting stuff the next day! Wednesday night at dinner I learned that we got our Republican, lead sponsor for the bill we were pushing. To me that sounds like we won’t have a problem getting it passed this year! All of our hard work paid off! We all pushed our reps and we all put a lot of walking and work into getting this pushed through! WE all did it!
To my new friends, thank you! It is an honor and I am proud to have met you and call you my friend! You all here, my blog friends, my new friends from DC, all of my friends who have stuck by me, you are all my gifts that William has sent to me. So, Thank you all for allowing our children to connect us in a way that may not have happened without them. Much love to each and every one of you and your families!

Bright Sunny days bring...

Dark memories. I woke up yesterday, went outside with the dog and started reliving delivery. The weather was warm, I was in my pj's and I was just sitting there. "I can't do this" rang through my head. The feelings, the contractions, the fear all came rushing back. Yesterday was no special date, it was no special time of the year, well maybe it was. Who knows what would have been. Maybe, just maybe if William would have stayed with us I would have delivered him yesterday. His due date was the 29th of this month but I always felt like he'd come early. Just not that early. Maybe my impending trip is what brings about the resurfacing of all of those days.
I leave in five days for DC. I will be attending support group training, I will listen to lectures and statistics and what to do's and what not to do's. I will be surrounded by health care proffesionals, some who may be cold. My job, to lighten their hearts to the likes of me, to the likes of us, who have lost our children. My other job, to try to get my legislators to pass some bills that pertain to stillbirth. Maybe, just maybe the stress of all of this is bringing about the bad memories. I want the good ones, the one where I felt him move, the ones where I held him, slept and woke up to him being there, no one took him from me, he was still there. I don't want the delivery, the moments where he wasn't with me, the one when I left him behind, or when I picked up his ashes and brought him home in a bag.
This is the grief roller coaster and I am on a down swing. Hopefully, it will come to pass by this weekend. Hopefully, I can hold myself together long enough to get through the symposium. Hopefully, I can talk about my son and smile.

Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Last Call..Memorial album

I received this today:

Hello all,
We are closing reaching the deadline for submitting information, pictures, etc. that we will put in our Baby Memorial Album (March 10, 2009).
We would love to have you join us. Whether you are able to participate yourself or not, we could use your help..... can you please forward this to others, post on other facebook groups, or weblinks? This is such a lovely opportunity and a chance to really help make a difference. Every baby matters and we want to show Congress that all over the world - there are parents who will always remember and always love their babies. They were real and need to be counted (we don't yet have standardization in reporting). AND we need money to support research for prevention of such tragedies.
Thank you for participating and/or sharing with others.
www.firstcandle.org/our-babies/
Best wishes,
Sherokee Ilse
sherokeeilse@yahoo.com
--------------------

Memorial Album

Help put a face to our love and loss, First Candle, is creating a memorial album for us to take to our legislators when we attend the symposium. The link above will explain. This is for all perinatal bereavement parents.

Dear Parents of stillborn children,

Would you please click on THIS to take a survey?

The survey is being conducted by 1st Breath.

Thank you in advance for your consideration!

BTW, Thank you so very much for all of the jokes and kind thoughts...I appreciate them all and had a few good laughs to boot! Also, I promise to catch up on blogs sometime in the near future...I promise!

Is there anybody out there??

Have you been reading and NOT commenting? If so, would you do me the kind favor of just saying "hi"? I'd like to know who you are what your story is. I'd like to be able to give you the support that you so deserve.

So, if you are out there...delurk, write a comment, just say "hi!" and let me know you exist.

I don't write comments too often, I don't feel too compelled to post a lot either but I would like to read your story and offer what I can to you!

Have a fun time going around and telling us all that you read us...it is after all time for you to come out of the wood work!

Playwright Eugene Ionesco said, "Ideology separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."

I've always liked quotes from others...I usually find a few a week that I write down and mull over. I have a show I watch Cri.minal Mi.nds,it's a show that is probably not good for my brain but for some reason, the evil must be watched! Anyhow, at the beginning and the end of this show someone reads a quote. Lately, I have found in watching re-runs and even new shows that their quotes are amazing. So, I snagged the one above...as I snagged the one the other day. Quotes give us all something to think about.

Isn't the quote above oh, so true...the Dreams and Anguish I feel sure have brought me to feel closer to all of you...my anguish brought me to blogland and my dreams keep me here. I dream for all of us, not just myself!

There is another quote that rings in my head, day after day, I read it on a church board a LONG time ago...I keep it tucked deep within my soul and on occasion I speak it to remember, "The best things in life, are not things." That's right, my best things are my friends (you all included here!), my family, my pets, my memories. Hmm, do you consider those things? I don't!

Can you tell me what your dreams are? Are they more than the usual we all have here?What are the best things in your life?

A million thank you's

Katie, thank you for posting my Memorial Monday...you are an amazing woman!

Katie does Memorial Monday's and has posted one for William and I. She has a heart of gold and I am grateful to call her my friend! Please go check Katie out today (a shameless plug for you to read today's Memorial Monday!)and everyday!

There are not words...

I am so thrilled to say Congratulations to you, Janis! Congratulations and Welcome to the world little one!

Please go Welcome the new one to the world over at Ferdinand's Gifts

Again, there are not enough words in this world to say how happy I am for you!

A thought...sort of...

Wendell Berry said, "The past is our definition. We may strive with good reason to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it. But we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

My truth is I don't want to escape my past. I do however want to add something better to my life.

Tell me do you want to escape your past?

Airplanes and such

I'll be leaving on an airplane at the end of March. I'll be going to Washington D.C.
I've been invited to attend SIDS/SUID and Stillbirth-A National Research and Advocacy Symposium. There will be a speaker there who believes that a lot of the research for all of us that has been done up to this point is virtually unusable because of the restrictive participation of the parents. I hope he shakes it all up and they push for more participation of the parents that walk our shoes. As I am sure you can guess, I am beyond excited and can't wait for March to get here!

All in all things are going alright here. I will be attending my support group tonight which will be very good for me. I haven't been in over three months. I am as sick as it is to say looking forward to going. It doesn't make me feel much better but it does make me feel less alone. Those in real life meetings really help!

Hoping the New Year is bringing you all what you hoped for or at the very least bringing you some peace.