I am not. I do not have fabulous writing skills. I write like I think and like I speak. My thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. Puncuation...what's that? I loved E.ngli.sh classes growing up but I didn't pay much attention to any of it but the reading part.
I had hoped to keep up with this blog to remember William some more. Truth is, I don't need the blog to remember. Amongst all of the things I have around my house, the things I wear, My necklace with his ashes, the mother and child necklace, the ring with his birth stone and the ankle braclet a dear friend made for me with a bell that symbolizes William, I have all of the reminders I need. What I do miss from blogging is the support that I have received since I started this thing.
I am reminded a lot that "no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to!" So, I am not feeling inferior. I just don't know where to go from here...like the title says.
I feel as though I have made a lot of forward progress, if that's what we want to call it. I have done a lot to make my world a better place since losing William. Of course, somedays it still feels like a nightmare. You know, the never ending one that repeats day after day?! The one that you thought you had but can't really remember after waking up.
I don't know if blogland is where I'm supposed to be these days or if I should just try to live in the RE.AL world. Whatever that may be these days. I have no answers, no sage words of ass.vice for others or any true thoughts except for "I'm sorry," "I'm thinking of you," "or wishing you peace." You know what even those get old whe you type them too much. It's like the broken record on my turn table, it skips over and over and over again.
I miss my kid, I still get queasy when family and friends announce they are pregnant, my only thought for them is, " I hope you don't have to go thru what we've all been thru." Then the jeaoulsy still kicks in, why them, why NOT me? Will I ever get my break? I guess, time will tell. Maybe some day soon, my break will come.
I'm not standing on my head waiting for little tadpoles to swim towards my eggs (that is assuming I still have eggs), I am not swinging from the rafters whooping and hollering, hoping to get pregnant. Most days it doesn't cross my mind. Most days sleep ( a really good nap ) crosses my mind. But the thought of putting the effort into ttc doesn't even appeal to me right now. Maybe the thought was never there to start with. Do I want to be a Mom? Yes, most definitely but will it ever happen? I don't know and I don't have the energy to put into that thought these days anyhow.
So, where am I going with this? I'm not sure! This started as my online journal, to keep my feeling in tow and know that I wasn't alone in some of the crazy thoughts I had...I think I'll stick with that. It is still my journal and if someone wants to use it against me then you know what go right ahead. These are my thoughts, this is my space and I'm still learning how to live MY life.