It's been a while, a long while since I stopped and had a good cry...truly mourning my son. I read a blog tonight, it broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I had to step outside to have a good cry. I feel cut to the core again. The knife is back and it's stabbing and twisting and aching.
No, it's not the post itself that did this, it was one phrase, "so that he does not die again," It made my heart ache. It made my brain and heart jump back in time. My heart aches for all of us who have this thought. We try so hard to keep our little ones alive in our hearts, minds, spirits, and every day life. Sometimes I, myself forget that I'm not the only one living this life (yes, even though you all are in my computer and I've met some families in real life) the one where the child didn't make it out alive and I have to pretend like I'm alright. Sometimes I still feel so alone and yet, for a long time I haven't thought about any of it. I had to go outside to apologize to my son. I am sorry that I have been moving forward without looking back. I am sorry that I didn't take the time everyday to mother him the way he deserves. I am sorry that I haven't been in blogland where I can honor him, remember him, and share him with the rest of the world.
I am sorry that any of us have to live in this land of make-believe. Don't I wish that were all it were, make-believe. I'm going to revert to my sad phase of grief again, it somehow seems a bit healing. Then I'm sure anger will kick in but acceptance can still kiss my ass! That text book shit is for just that, a text book!
Tomorrow is another day and maybe the knife will stop twisiting in the morning, then again maybe not...tomorrow is a new day.
In the meantime, if anyone can think of a way for Carly to keep doing her site...please link to her post and send her a message. If there is one thing I hold onto it's the picture she took of William's name in the sand. Her Christian's spirit inspired her and lives on in that photo I have in my office. I don't want to see her dream go down this way...I want her dreams to move on ward and upward!