Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Bright Sunny days bring...

Dark memories. I woke up yesterday, went outside with the dog and started reliving delivery. The weather was warm, I was in my pj's and I was just sitting there. "I can't do this" rang through my head. The feelings, the contractions, the fear all came rushing back. Yesterday was no special date, it was no special time of the year, well maybe it was. Who knows what would have been. Maybe, just maybe if William would have stayed with us I would have delivered him yesterday. His due date was the 29th of this month but I always felt like he'd come early. Just not that early. Maybe my impending trip is what brings about the resurfacing of all of those days.
I leave in five days for DC. I will be attending support group training, I will listen to lectures and statistics and what to do's and what not to do's. I will be surrounded by health care proffesionals, some who may be cold. My job, to lighten their hearts to the likes of me, to the likes of us, who have lost our children. My other job, to try to get my legislators to pass some bills that pertain to stillbirth. Maybe, just maybe the stress of all of this is bringing about the bad memories. I want the good ones, the one where I felt him move, the ones where I held him, slept and woke up to him being there, no one took him from me, he was still there. I don't want the delivery, the moments where he wasn't with me, the one when I left him behind, or when I picked up his ashes and brought him home in a bag.
This is the grief roller coaster and I am on a down swing. Hopefully, it will come to pass by this weekend. Hopefully, I can hold myself together long enough to get through the symposium. Hopefully, I can talk about my son and smile.


CLC said...

I am sorry you are on a down swing, but I guess this is how it's going to be- up down, up down, etc.

I will be looking forward to hear how the symposium goes. I looked at the agenda and I saw that Dr. Reddy was speaking, who I have spoken with by email. I think she is my hero, just because she focuses on stillbirth research. I also saw that Dr. Collins was speaking and I spoke with him on the phone once. I wish I could go myself to listen to both of them. Take good notes for me! And I think you might find some comfort being in the presence of others who have endured similar losses.

G$ said...

Thinking of you Amy, this grieving gift that keeps on giving. The flashbacks are the worst.

I expect a full report on the sympo. just as CLC says :)


Anonymous said...

I wish you nothing but love and beautiful memories, but I think these down swings are super normal. I hope DC is full of hope and spring weather.

Aunt Becky said...

Grief work never seems to end. I'm sorry Amy. I'm thinking of you all the time. You and sweet baby William.

mrsmuelly said...

Evil roller coaster...I'm sorry. I am so very proud of you for goin to the symposium though. I really want to hear all about it. And, I don't think you need to be all smiles at it. Those people - cold or not - need to see the "real face" of this grief.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Hugs to you. I know even the smallest things trigger those memories and brings you back into the worst moments.

janis said...

Sending you big, BIG hugs, Amy!!

I hope the symposium goes well for you, and that you find solace and strength there.

Thinking of you mightily. Hang in there... xo


Best of luck to you in DC! Hope you are able to get your message out there regarding the Stillbirth legislation.

You are the voice for those of us who can not make the trip.
NY Stillbirth Bill


Thank you for posting on my blog. I have learned that there will be 3 parents from NY in DC. Hopefully, they will be able to meet with many in Congress. Please do give my name and email to your friend in OK regarding the CBRS bill.

Let us know how the symposium goes!

Anonymous said...

I will be there for you this weekend, and we will get through it TOGETHER. I feel like you have already been a long-time friend, especially after reading your words here. I hope you know there are health care professionals out there who have loving, caring, open, sympathetic and empathetic hearts to help broken hearts like yours. William Henry is still with you, every day of your life. My husband, William (note the conncetion there) lost his son, Thomas William, almost 13 years ago. I help him when he needs it because I have been there too. My William knows the pain you feel, so I know that our paths are crossing for a very importnat reason. Nothing happens just by chance, God has lead me to you and to Pat Flynn for this reason. William Henry, I know, is with you everyday.

Love and peace and hugs and hope,
Lori Finn

k@lakly said...

I hate rollercoasters, always have. And we can't get off this one, can we?

Waiting with everyone else to hear your report!