Sunday

Another week gone by. I learn more about myself with each passing week. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I am still standing and moving about life. I still have a heart!

My Grandmother is in the hospital and she is one of the most important people in my life. We share the loss of our first born sons. Sad as it is, I think it bonds us even more than we already were. Of course, she went on to have four more children. I on the other hand am not sure wether or not I will be blessed with other children or if William will be my only. Anyhow, back to Gram, she is doing better and nothing too incredibly bad, although you never know in this life. She will be in the hospital for a few more days but should get to go home by the end of the week.

So, I still have a heart, it was nice to know that I could get over myself for one day and go see her. I didn't really even want to talk about all of our losses. I just wanted to talk the way we did before all of this happened. So, we did and it was nice. She is a great comfort for me and she helps to keep me grounded.

So, like I said another week has past, I am getting stronger emotionally and I have not forgotten about my son in the process. I remember him more and more with each passing day. I miss him more and more also but I know that we, Shan and I, will be alright. We will get through, not over, not ever over (don't want that) but we will get through this together and stronger than ever before.

I wish everyone else strength and peace this week. I hope I, along with the rest of you can find more strength and peace with each passing day. I can hope can't I?

Counting

I count the days I have been without William, 58 today. I count the weeks he's still supposed to be with me, 6 and one half. I count the number of things I walked out of the hospital with, 1 ( a box, a bereavement box, not my son!). I count the days I stayed in bed (getting up only because I felt I had to) after this happened 4. I count the number of people who came to my rescue IRL in the few days after it all happenend, 5.

I count the number of support groups I attend 3. I count how many things I gave up or did in order to have a "healthy" pregnancy, 5. I am now counting the things I have done for myself since this all happened, so far it equals 1!

I am tired of counting! I am sure I will count more like the days I suffer the most, being holidays or anniversarys or birthdays.

I realized the other night after 1 of my support groups that I have a little under a year before Williams 1st birthday. That Shan and I both will be having our birthdays without the son we were supposed to have with us. That my nephew will be celebrating his 9th birthday without the cousin he is supposed ot have. To say the least numbers are seeming to get in the way. I am not liking numbers, not that I ever did before but now I am starting to really dislike them.

Editied to add: The count of hateful reminders I get in the mail is up to more than 10 now. Yesterday I received Similac formula in the mail! Yeah! Thanks a lot Similac!

I'm done.

I'm tired, I take something to help me sleep it doesn't work. I can only nap in the afternoon like I did when I was pregnant. I can't sleep at night. I'm 33 and when I do sleep I sleep with a teddy bear. Granted it's Williams bear but a bear none the less. I can't sleep without it.

I am so tired of people thinking I should be over this and the damned question, "what's the matter?" What the hell do you think is the problem you dumb asses? It's been 55 days since I have been without William. How bad is that? I count the days, I even have them marked on my calendar. I can't get rid of the calendar that has "Baby due" written on it. Yet, I have the days marked that I have been without him. It breaks my heart and spirit to have all of this.

Like others, I am due for my fucking period to start next week and the damned PMS has kicked in again! Oh, yeah! I hate the fact that I am going to have a period this month and next. I am not supposed to have another real period until April sometime maybe even May.

I've always been a needy person but now it's worse. I woke Shan up and asked him to hold me the other night. I proceeded to cry myself to sleep enveloped in his arms. He asked me if it helped to be held and I said yes. Which it does but not as much as I wish it would. I guess I do sleep at night, sometimes. Of course, I don't feel like it because I wake up often, thinking there is something wrong. Yes, there is something wrong, we all know what it is.

So, today I'm done. I'm tired and crabby. Tomorrow is yet another day and no it won't be any better. Chances are it will be worse. Still, somehow I will drag my ass out of bed and muddle through the day. Sometimes I think the only reason I get out of bed is because it puts me one day closer to William. You know, one day closer to my "natural" death, one day closer to being able to hold him again. In a sense it's morbid and backwards. You would think I would be saying it puts me further away from him as I count the days. Maybe I will figure all of this crap out somehow, someway, someday.

A letter to William

My Dearest William,

Mommy is wearing down quickly. I am tired of people trying to come up with reasons why you are not here. None of their speculation matters it only hurts me. I feel like they are trying to tell me something was wrong with you. Truth be known, you are perfect in my eyes no matter what. No matter what problems might have been I would have taken anything you had to throw at me. We would have made a wonderful life for all of us anyway.

I never got to see you awake, I never got to see your smile yet I picture you in my mind all the time. Your perfect face and perfect smile, your beautiful hands and feet. I wish I could reach out and kiss you, and hold your hand. I wish I could hear all of the things that I will never get to hear.

I miss you more and more everyday. I am finding that I never knew how much I could love someone. I never knew how much I would love you.

I've had a lot of anger, I've been mad at God, Mother Nature, Myself, Daddy, some friends, and all of my doctors. I'm not used to the anger, not in this form. I find myself wondering why you didn't fight and then I realize you were such a little man and how could I expect that of you?!

I know that I need to let go of the anger as nothing is going to bring you back. My dearest boy, I blame myself, I couldn't protect you and I was supposed to. I wish I would have known or had a way of keeping you safe.

It's been yet another day, still stupid comments from others and still me wondering why. Yet when I get really down, only you will understand this but I see a hawk, I know it's you. I know you in your spirit form are trying to calm me down and let me know you are alright where you are. I just wish in my heart I felt that all the time.

I hope some day to find peace with all of this. I hope someday, when we build the new house that you were to grow up in, you'll join me in your room. Yes, I said your room. I have talked to Daddy and he knows that I want a room dedicated to you, all of the things we have of yours. Although we don't have much, a lot of pictures your ashes and your bear. I still need you to have your own room. Of course, your bear will probably always be with me. Always sleep with me. It's the one thing I have of you that I can touch that you touched too besides my heart and soul.

Should you have a sibling someday, he or she will always know about you. With any luck they will feel your presence and know how much you are loved by all of us here. I hope should we be blessed with a sibling of yours somehow, someway you will find your way back to us in the physical form.

Grammi, has very strong beliefs in the after life and reincarnation. I hope I can feel those beliefs and hang on to them. I hope she is right that we meet the same people in each life in different ways but always the same people.

My little bug, I miss you more than you will ever know, for you I will try to move on from here. Please forgive me if I fall behind once in a while. It's hard to be here without you. Every song I hear seems to remind me of you and everything in nature I see seems to remind me of the things we won't get to do together. Yet, I know you know all of the things we do, I know you wanted to be here. You just knew for yourself that there were other things to be completed before you could come to be with us.

If I believe in what your "Aunt" Sam says, "Guardian Angels, have never walked on earth." I have to believe that you had a higher purpose. Now mind you Mommy is talking of the spiritual sense here. So, maybe you are helping others find their way in life. I hope you are helping me too.

My little bumble, I love you more than the moon, the stars, and the sun. With all of my being you will always be in my heart and soul and I will never forget you.

With more love than you will ever know,

Your Mommy

I've read again

My comments from the Poem Mondays Child. Antigone, C., and Coggy, I hate that our kids had far to go. What's even more strange is this:

When I was 8 and my sister 16 my family was fostering "Thursdays child," it was a segment on t.v. called just that. She did have far to go and yet she made it or so it seems. We no longer keep in touch but last I heard she was doing well.

Now, I look at Thursdays child not as one who you foster but one who you've lost. Maybe that's what is really behind it. Her mother lost her not in the same way that we lost our children but lost just the same. Note: probably not wise of me to compare this but it is late and I'm just thinking outloud! I just think it's stupidly strange how damned poems seem to creep in and take on a different meaning as we go through our lives.

Now, on another note, tomorrow is a new day! Yes, I know, all my days are the same. Yet tomorrow is a new one so maybe just maybe it will be a bit better!

I hate stupid people!

I sat at work yesterday with nurses that bitch about everything from hating there jobs to hating the Doctor they are working with. I want to scream at them! I can't remember who said it but I too want to say "STFU, my baby died!"

I don't know how many times I had to correct people yesterday when they said, "it can't get any worse." How the hell do they know? They obviously haven't been in my shoes. Nor, do they care to acknowledge what I have been through. "Why aren't you happy?" they say. I want to say, "Have you been living under a rock? Do you not realize what I have been going through?" Instead I say, "I'm just not, it's not a good day." I did tell someone who harrassed me yesterday, "Don't start with me, I was verbal before this all started and now it's worse. I highly suggest you leave me alone!" He in turn said, " I can handle it." " Don't think so buddy, you can't handle what I have to deal out today!" I said and the conversation ended there.

I need a shirt that says, "Deadbabymom" As much as I hate the whole deadbabymom (all as one word) I think it is the only thing that everyone would understand. Maybe they would be shocked by it and you know what I don't give a shit! Maybe then they would think about their petty crap and realize in this world, their crap really doesn't matter!

Ok, I'm done ranting about those particular stupid people. I will however make a list later of the different kinds of stupid people. Feel free to comment about how much you like stupid people. You can include the idiots at the doctors office who don't know shit!

50 days

It has been 50 days today that I have been without my son.
50 days ago, I was in bed sobbing, I had left my baby at the hospital the day before.
50 days ago, I was trying to decide what to do. Do I go back to the hospital and hold him again?
50 days ago, I was fighting the logical side and the emotional side of myself.
50 days ago, I wished I could go back to the day before.

Today, I'm out of bed, I'm still trying to decide what to do. Do I move forward or crawl in bed?
Today, I am fighting the emotional side of me there is no logic!
Today I wish I could go back 51 days.