From my Life in Misery...oops, Missouri! blog notice the date it was written, wasn't prego then and hadn't encountered any of these pairs of shoes I have now been handed!
Friday, April 21, 2006
The Questions
Have you ever watched Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton? It is fabulous and at the end he asks these questions based on a questionnaire by Bernard Pivot...So here are my answers!
01. What is your favorite word?
Love/William of course, Love is still a favorite word but William sings to me!
02. What is your least favorite word?
The N word
03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Family and Friends
04. What turns you off?
Mean people/The unknown
05. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck
06. What sound or noise do you love?
Children Laughing/Rain
07. What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of sadness in someone's voice./Doppler machines in any capacity
08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
If I could I'd love to have been in NASA in any capacity.
09. What profession would you not like to do?
Politician!
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Well, hello, we've been waiting! /Your son is right this way, he's been waiting for you!
So, can you answer those questions? kind of fun and your answers may change often but enjoy life while you can!
To say the least some of my answers have changed they are the ones printed in RED. Can you answer those questions? I'd love to see your answers!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The worst times
The times I am starting to find the hardest are those that I am alone. Mind you I'm not really alone, I have 5 animals to comfort me in my time of need. On the other hand, they don't talk so the thoughts all creep back in. I live over the delivery everyday in my head and all of my regrets that came with that day.
I regret first and foremost that I didn't ask our families to join us. I thought, (at the time it was what was right) that we needed to do this incredibly sad thing just the two of us. I now wish that Williams other family members could have held him but I realize too that his spirit had already flown. My mother was the first person I called while holding him in my arms. She talked to me as I described how he looked, fingers, toes, penis and all! I wish she could have held him in her arms and kissed him on his forehead and cheeks. Then again, I don't know nor will I ever know if that would have broken her spirit. She has always said, "I'm sorry you lost him, he's not lost but I'm sorry you lost him." She's right he's not lost. He knows what he's doing and maybe he just couldn't come to me this time around. Maybe I will get him back in some way shape or form.
I regret that I didn't force the issue on getting a hospital birth certificate. I know now how much I need and want that . I regret that his skin was so fragile that we couldn't get hand and foot prints. However, I did get castings which are tangible, I can hold his hand in mine just like I did on his birthday. I regret that I didn't know about NILMDS (photographers) before the fact. I wish I had more pictures. I regret that I never dressed him. I regret that I didn't spend more time with him, I wanted to get home to my own space. I regret that I never went back to the hospital and he spent a long time in the morgue, that cold dark place. Then I have to remind myself, since I believe in spirit and soul that his was not in his body anymore. I have all of these regrets. I have so many more, but I am alone. I don't want to think about all of them as I will only start crying uncontrollably, and no one here to calm me down.
I wish that people knew what a priveledge it is to have children, to watch them grow. I looked at cards the other day and read one that was under the title "The stress of a newborn," I would give anything for that stress! I wouldn't even want a card for it, I would welcome the stress, the no sleep, the stinky diapers, the spit up. I would welcome all of it. I would even welcome morning sickness if it meant my son was still with me.
I am trying to gather all of my memories, big or little. They are mine and I need them to all be together. I didn't realize how many things I have collected in regards to William. Little notes, and dammit those sympathy cards, I wanted "Congrats on your new son" cards. The emails I sent out in regards to losing Will and the sympathy emails that were returned. The pictures, the hand and foot castings, the bereavement box, his death certificate. The ornaments, the books, all of these things. To outsiders who aren't or have never been in my shoes all of this may just be stuff. To me all of these things equal memories of my first born child.
If I was more of a lush, I would drink myself into a frenzy from the time I awoke until I passed out. However, I try to accomplish things throughout the day therefore drinking doesn't fit the bill. Trust me it's a heavy thought especially when I am alone.
I am now up against, the do we try again question. Dammit, I want to be a Mommy, I want to hear someone call me Mommy, I want my child to call me Mommy. Yet, I am bound by my heart to wait. To wait until test results come in, until my anual pap to tell me that the pre-cancerous cells haven't returned, until Williams due date passes. I am bound by my heart and my brain working together and yet part of me feels that they are both conspiring against me.
Being alone isn't such a good thing for grief. Especially when no one has invented the on off switch for the brain. Wouldn't that be a nice one?! So, I am going to go be alone, I am going to stare at the t.v., on some travel channel and wish I could jump through the screen to my destination. I'm going to go be alone and watch the snow fall, and revel in it's beauty, it's keeping me inside, it's wonder of how it falls and seems to slow down the world out there if only for a short while.
I regret first and foremost that I didn't ask our families to join us. I thought, (at the time it was what was right) that we needed to do this incredibly sad thing just the two of us. I now wish that Williams other family members could have held him but I realize too that his spirit had already flown. My mother was the first person I called while holding him in my arms. She talked to me as I described how he looked, fingers, toes, penis and all! I wish she could have held him in her arms and kissed him on his forehead and cheeks. Then again, I don't know nor will I ever know if that would have broken her spirit. She has always said, "I'm sorry you lost him, he's not lost but I'm sorry you lost him." She's right he's not lost. He knows what he's doing and maybe he just couldn't come to me this time around. Maybe I will get him back in some way shape or form.
I regret that I didn't force the issue on getting a hospital birth certificate. I know now how much I need and want that . I regret that his skin was so fragile that we couldn't get hand and foot prints. However, I did get castings which are tangible, I can hold his hand in mine just like I did on his birthday. I regret that I didn't know about NILMDS (photographers) before the fact. I wish I had more pictures. I regret that I never dressed him. I regret that I didn't spend more time with him, I wanted to get home to my own space. I regret that I never went back to the hospital and he spent a long time in the morgue, that cold dark place. Then I have to remind myself, since I believe in spirit and soul that his was not in his body anymore. I have all of these regrets. I have so many more, but I am alone. I don't want to think about all of them as I will only start crying uncontrollably, and no one here to calm me down.
I wish that people knew what a priveledge it is to have children, to watch them grow. I looked at cards the other day and read one that was under the title "The stress of a newborn," I would give anything for that stress! I wouldn't even want a card for it, I would welcome the stress, the no sleep, the stinky diapers, the spit up. I would welcome all of it. I would even welcome morning sickness if it meant my son was still with me.
I am trying to gather all of my memories, big or little. They are mine and I need them to all be together. I didn't realize how many things I have collected in regards to William. Little notes, and dammit those sympathy cards, I wanted "Congrats on your new son" cards. The emails I sent out in regards to losing Will and the sympathy emails that were returned. The pictures, the hand and foot castings, the bereavement box, his death certificate. The ornaments, the books, all of these things. To outsiders who aren't or have never been in my shoes all of this may just be stuff. To me all of these things equal memories of my first born child.
If I was more of a lush, I would drink myself into a frenzy from the time I awoke until I passed out. However, I try to accomplish things throughout the day therefore drinking doesn't fit the bill. Trust me it's a heavy thought especially when I am alone.
I am now up against, the do we try again question. Dammit, I want to be a Mommy, I want to hear someone call me Mommy, I want my child to call me Mommy. Yet, I am bound by my heart to wait. To wait until test results come in, until my anual pap to tell me that the pre-cancerous cells haven't returned, until Williams due date passes. I am bound by my heart and my brain working together and yet part of me feels that they are both conspiring against me.
Being alone isn't such a good thing for grief. Especially when no one has invented the on off switch for the brain. Wouldn't that be a nice one?! So, I am going to go be alone, I am going to stare at the t.v., on some travel channel and wish I could jump through the screen to my destination. I'm going to go be alone and watch the snow fall, and revel in it's beauty, it's keeping me inside, it's wonder of how it falls and seems to slow down the world out there if only for a short while.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Gifts
I find more and more every day that William is my gift, my miracle if you will.
He brings me peace to help others and to help me understand their pain along with mine.
I have another friend who has joined our boat. She delivered her beautiful boy, 22 weeks gestation, last night. She went through 5 days of labor and now has to suffer a D and C to boot. She is in the "why" stage and will be for a long time. I will do my best to help her walk through the fire.
I searched Lost and Found yesterday and came upon Ange, she is a reluctant new "club" member who is just starting her story so please go say "hi!" From our "older" members we have, Jennifer, who has found some peace in the sharing of her sons belongings. She is truly an amazing soul. Tash, is recounting her story from a year ago of losing her little Maddy. I do believe she can use all the hugs and support you can send her way! And then we have Yummy, she went yesterday and got the most beautiful tatoo to memorialize her son Aodin, go over and have a peak at the beautiful art work.
I of course read many more blogs, these are just a few to mention today and I'm sure they will all be mentioned again. All of you, here in blog world give me the strength where as my William gives me peace. Thank you to all of you for your strength in telling your stories and supporting me and the rest of us out here.
He brings me peace to help others and to help me understand their pain along with mine.
I have another friend who has joined our boat. She delivered her beautiful boy, 22 weeks gestation, last night. She went through 5 days of labor and now has to suffer a D and C to boot. She is in the "why" stage and will be for a long time. I will do my best to help her walk through the fire.
I searched Lost and Found yesterday and came upon Ange, she is a reluctant new "club" member who is just starting her story so please go say "hi!" From our "older" members we have, Jennifer, who has found some peace in the sharing of her sons belongings. She is truly an amazing soul. Tash, is recounting her story from a year ago of losing her little Maddy. I do believe she can use all the hugs and support you can send her way! And then we have Yummy, she went yesterday and got the most beautiful tatoo to memorialize her son Aodin, go over and have a peak at the beautiful art work.
I of course read many more blogs, these are just a few to mention today and I'm sure they will all be mentioned again. All of you, here in blog world give me the strength where as my William gives me peace. Thank you to all of you for your strength in telling your stories and supporting me and the rest of us out here.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Where the hell am I?
My brain is not functioning at all anymore! I think of things I need to do and instead go grab my book and start reading. Mind you it's a good book and it has caught my attention so doing anything until it's complete seems pointless.
I still feel as though I am a non feeling person. I cry ocassionally for a couple of seconds and then, my tears they just dry up...not a single one left to cry. Am I cried out? Do I have any freakin' fluid left in my body to come out of my tear ducts? I just don't have it in me to feel sad, I'm tired dammit! Very, very tired for absolutely no reason.
All I have done today is, read, go to the bank, go to the gas station to get my Powerball tickets (money wont' make a difference but hey if my luck is bad on one end can't it be good on the other?), and then to the post office. I then decided to go to Hallmark and read through all of the sympathy cards. The happy cards just aren't for me and I figure I might as well stock up and be the bearer of sympathy to those that need it who the hell needs happy cards anyway?! Well, Hallmark not a good idea!
Wandering the isles of cards and looking for anything to make my day. I hear "oh, she's so cute, look she says d-u-c-k now" What to my wandering eyes do I see but a little girl and her Mommy! Yeah, thank you! I want to say, "don't you have something to do at home? Can't you not shop during the day? Don't you have a babysitter? " I say non of the above mentioned. Instead, I go to the counter with my pile of cards, I ask if they can get the key to get some charms out. (hoping she'll ask why I want those charms) She doesn't ask, just does. I wanted her to ask so I could say well these two are for me and my husband and this one is for my son, he was STILLBORN, December 13. I wanted to say it so the other Mommy would hear it but I didn't get my chance. I paid and left, cursing my whole way to the car, "Can't you fucking leave your kid at home? This is my day!" Of course, it's not my day, I don't have one of those but I can pretend! I then think, "Amy, you don't have a heart." But you see I do and mine is broken. Theirs gets to go on beating as though it's normal mine is not normal. Mine is in a million pieces and seeing other children breaks it into a million and ten! The older kids I can handle now, but the young ones, not a chance in hell.
So, I am home now, obviously and writing this post. I am thinking of all of the things I should do, vacuum, dust, dishes. Instead, I think I'll go get my book and try to forget about Hallmark! So here's to my not so good Friday but I do believe I will fix myself an Amaretto sour and read a bit. Maybe it will turn into a better Friday after all!
I still feel as though I am a non feeling person. I cry ocassionally for a couple of seconds and then, my tears they just dry up...not a single one left to cry. Am I cried out? Do I have any freakin' fluid left in my body to come out of my tear ducts? I just don't have it in me to feel sad, I'm tired dammit! Very, very tired for absolutely no reason.
All I have done today is, read, go to the bank, go to the gas station to get my Powerball tickets (money wont' make a difference but hey if my luck is bad on one end can't it be good on the other?), and then to the post office. I then decided to go to Hallmark and read through all of the sympathy cards. The happy cards just aren't for me and I figure I might as well stock up and be the bearer of sympathy to those that need it who the hell needs happy cards anyway?! Well, Hallmark not a good idea!
Wandering the isles of cards and looking for anything to make my day. I hear "oh, she's so cute, look she says d-u-c-k now" What to my wandering eyes do I see but a little girl and her Mommy! Yeah, thank you! I want to say, "don't you have something to do at home? Can't you not shop during the day? Don't you have a babysitter? " I say non of the above mentioned. Instead, I go to the counter with my pile of cards, I ask if they can get the key to get some charms out. (hoping she'll ask why I want those charms) She doesn't ask, just does. I wanted her to ask so I could say well these two are for me and my husband and this one is for my son, he was STILLBORN, December 13. I wanted to say it so the other Mommy would hear it but I didn't get my chance. I paid and left, cursing my whole way to the car, "Can't you fucking leave your kid at home? This is my day!" Of course, it's not my day, I don't have one of those but I can pretend! I then think, "Amy, you don't have a heart." But you see I do and mine is broken. Theirs gets to go on beating as though it's normal mine is not normal. Mine is in a million pieces and seeing other children breaks it into a million and ten! The older kids I can handle now, but the young ones, not a chance in hell.
So, I am home now, obviously and writing this post. I am thinking of all of the things I should do, vacuum, dust, dishes. Instead, I think I'll go get my book and try to forget about Hallmark! So here's to my not so good Friday but I do believe I will fix myself an Amaretto sour and read a bit. Maybe it will turn into a better Friday after all!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Hope floats. My ass!
They say hope floats, well not in this boat it doesn't. It actually punctures holes in what life raft I have and helps it to sink! My optimism was good this morning. I'm two months today without William. My optimism is failing me and pesimism is setting in.
I woke up with an erie sense of calm about me. No true grief today. No real acceptance either just blank. Until lunch time, I called to check on work tomorrow and found out that one of my friends who had been pregnant with twins and lost one twin at 14 weeks has now as of yesterday at 22 weeks lost the other. I don't feel my own grief today. I feel grief for her and her family and I am tired of the sinking boat. The more people we put on it the faster it seems to sink. I sent my thoughts to her via others but I cannot right now find it in me to call and check in. I will later in the week.
So, I am looking to my blog buddies for some optimism and some hope. I need it to float today, I really am not ready to sink. I need to catch my breath and I need to feel some peace instead of the nagging feeling that the Titanic we are all on is sinking fast! What I really need is a good laugh and a couple bottles of wine. So, if you can offer HOPE that doesn't puncture holes, optimism that is true, a laugh or a bottle of wine please respond!
(This is me reaching out, instead of in!)
I woke up with an erie sense of calm about me. No true grief today. No real acceptance either just blank. Until lunch time, I called to check on work tomorrow and found out that one of my friends who had been pregnant with twins and lost one twin at 14 weeks has now as of yesterday at 22 weeks lost the other. I don't feel my own grief today. I feel grief for her and her family and I am tired of the sinking boat. The more people we put on it the faster it seems to sink. I sent my thoughts to her via others but I cannot right now find it in me to call and check in. I will later in the week.
So, I am looking to my blog buddies for some optimism and some hope. I need it to float today, I really am not ready to sink. I need to catch my breath and I need to feel some peace instead of the nagging feeling that the Titanic we are all on is sinking fast! What I really need is a good laugh and a couple bottles of wine. So, if you can offer HOPE that doesn't puncture holes, optimism that is true, a laugh or a bottle of wine please respond!
(This is me reaching out, instead of in!)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A different kind of loss
But for those of us who consider our furry friends our family it is a loss that is very difficult. Antigone, this one is for you. I am thinking of you. I share in your sorrow for yet another loss.
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…
– Author Unknown
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)