Hello again my friends, hello!

It's been a while and I sure have missed your smiles! Or tears, or whatever there may have been while I was away. I just missed you all!

I have so much going on right now. The last couple of weeks have been decent. I have had one pretty bad day and the rest have truly been the roller coaster of this "new" life.

We had our first steam show, you can see pictures and what it's all about at http://www.wmatma.org/, it was a nice show and we had fun with our friends. They allowed me to talk about William without judgement and they even purchased a rock for William's garden for us. It is beautiful (I'm too lazy to take a picture and post it!) It has a dove and two crosses on it (carved in it of course!)

I went to the lake with a friend the other day and swam and talked and got fried! When will I ever learn that they created sun screen for a reason? Maybe someday!

I have been keeping up with your posts I just haven't had the heart to comment on many of them. So, here's my response to what I have read.

Shaina,
I know it's been a rough time for you and I am so incredibly sorry that I can't be there to hold your hand throughout all of this. Grace is always in my thoughts and prayers.

My friend, Aunt Becky,
I know you will be alright. I know this ickle will stick. I just wish that you knew that too!

Antigone,
My heart aches for you and you know this. My thoughts are with you and the little bean. It's all good. You'll be all good and just fine when the time comes for the little one to come into this world. You'll make an excellent Mommy!

Ange,
Congratulations! Wow, what an exciting and scary time in your life. I'm very happy for you and this new "little" one! I am sure that all will be just fine!

Janistan,
I am sorry about your mother, I too hope she wins the fight of her life. Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease that rears it's head when it wants to. I am hoping and wishing the best for her even though your relationship with her has been difficult, I know this (cancer) is something we wish on no one we love and care about.

Julia,
I do believe I posted this on your June 14th post but again, THANK YOU for remembering my dear sweet William. It means so very much to me. I have catching up to do on your blog and promise to do so soon!

Isn't it Pretty,
A bowl of cherries our vagina's are not! If they were none of us would have these problems but I do love the mistake as it is sooo something I would do! And to friends, like the one who gave the "correct" response, CHEERS! Big cheers to her!

Becky,
I am thinking of you and glad that you graduated from IC! Sounds like a major feat! And yes, all will be good and fine! Lily will be fine!

Little miss Hopeful,
I wish the days weren't so dark and the nights were full of sleep and that your tummy was full of food and your heart not so strained. I wish many things for you but for today I will wish you peace.

Rosalind,
Our brains, what a miraculous part of our body that allow us to never forget! Occasionaly, it serves as a reminder of what we don't have and the reasons as to why or the lack of reasoning. We may not get the answers and NO your thinking had nothing to do with the loss of Micah. I too feel that the things I said, made William not want to stay with us. But, I have come to realize that this is just not true. I hope you find some peace in the near future and that these thoughts don't weigh you down too much.

Mr. and Mrs. Spit,
I think of you both and Gabriel often. I hope you know that your words speak to my heart. I hope you know that I was thinking of you both on your anniversary even though I didn't write. I will say too that I hope you get the opportunity to be parents to a child here on earth because, I KNOW you would make fabulous parents! You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

CDE and STE,
I don't know where to begin. I'm glad that alcohol hasn't taken over your lives and that there is a smidge of "normalcy" if you will. I am also so incredibly sorry for all that you STE, are going through. This is most definitely not a path lined with roses. The dust and clouds take over and clamp down on your heart and soul. I also know the ones closest to us can sweep away the dust and let some light into our souls, let C., hold you close and hold him too. You need each other. Feel free to block the rest of the world out just never, never block one another out.

Yummy,
I can't believe that it's been eight months. I know that Aodin is in a safe place. I know he is playing with William. I know that you are a good Mommy. I know you are a good Mommy, because no parent would want their child to suffer what Aodin would have had to suffer to stay here on earth. Big hugs my friend big hugs.

Katie,
It's hard not to have anxiety when you have gone through all that you have to get to where you are. Your little man will come out on the good side of things. I just know it! Hang in there! And as for the friendly skies, don't fly airlines that don't understand HIGH RISK pregnancy, maybe they should be told that pregnancy doesn't come easily for EVERYONE, what butt holes!

Beth,
Cute tummy! Thank you for staying in touch with my blog. I don't know that if I were in your shoes that I would be so brave. I think you will make and incredibly compassionate, caring, loving Mommy!

C.,
I do not know how you handled the butterfly thing. I would have been a big huge, screaming, blubbering mess! The natural food chain is not for me. I can't watch any of it, ever, not even on t.v.! As for K., what a sweet child you have, I do hope that you get more conversations with her in the future.


Coggy,
I do hope that your consultants appointment goes well. I am sorry about the whole midwife appointment. I can't imagine, I am sure it is difficult to be in your shoes. I'm thinking of you though!

Kalak.ly,
Happy belated birthday to C.! That was an amazingly beautiful post. Now, on to your post prior...my hope is that you will relax a bit and that this time will be different from last time. With all my heart I hope only good for you!

To anyone that I may have inadvertently left out, You are in my thoughts and prayers, each and everyone of you. Anyone on Mel's wonderful blog list is always in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is full of hope that each and everyone of us gets the chance to be parents to a child here on earth. My soul is full of hope that we all can teach others what, IF, pregnancy loss, neonatal loss is all about and how to "deal" with us in the correct way.

Now, I am going to ask for a favor, there is a little girl who needs some prayers. She is fighting the good fight to kick cancer's butt! If you'd like to know more about her you can read about her here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilyclevenger . I do not know her personally but have attended fundraising events for her here in the city. I know her family is extremely grateful for any prayers they can get!

I am going to be away for another week. This time, I won't have the chance to check in. We are going for a family reunion on Shan's side. Of course, we'll be missing one. That would be our sweet William. He will be there in spirit but not physically. I will have a difficult time being there without him but I will, we will, get by. After the family reunion it's time for me to spend some time with my Niece and Nephew and my Mom, Sister, and Papa (Mom's fiance). We're going to a cabin to enjoy some family time at a lake! I can't wait!

You all take care and look to the stars for that is where our children are! Big hugs to all of you and wishing you much peace!

God bless America and all that's good and holy!

This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!

Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!

I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.

With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.

I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.

ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!

Anger

I am angry today. This is how my day started :

I arrive at the hospital after my 50 minute drive. I walk in to go change clothes and L, one of the scrub techs is rushing out the door, "I'm leaving, I'll be alright but I have to go." I ask her if she's really is alright and she says, "T., my husband just called and the baby (this is her grandchild)stopped breathing." My heart lurched and then I took a sigh. "My thoughts are with you." I said as she ran out the door. I went about my business and did my first case, in Out Patient Clinic. I came back, spoke to anesthesia to see what the hold up was and this was his reply, "L's grand daughter past away." "What, I knew she stopped breathing but, what?" "Yeah, there at her house." My heart lurched again, and I wanted to slap myself, how the fuck can the cup be half full all the time? I'm thinking my optimism needs to be stomped on! I thought as she left that everything would be just fine. The tears started rolling and another lady came to hug me, all I could say is, "God, NO, not another one!" T, the grand daughter was just past one year old. My thoughts and prayers go to this family today and for the rest of their lives. This journey is not an easy one and it's most definitely not one I wish on even my darkest enemy. L, I'm here if you need me or want me.

The anger is here now, good thing for counseling, I have an appointment this afternoon. If I could have stopped the world this morning I would have. It seems so inappropriate that the world keeps moving when we lose a child. I think I'll let the anger hang out awhile. I don't think it's so bad to be angry for another persons sake and for my own!

Muddled musings

This weekend was productive. I planted the rest of my Sweet William plants, did my laundry and had a one on one support/meeting with a dear friend who is working on starting an advocacy group here but that will extend nationwide and hopefully internationally eventually. She is a very knowledgeable lady whose son was stillborn in 1978. She has been working with the MISS foundation, working on the Missing Angels Act (Certificates of Birth resulting in Stillbirth). They finally got it passed in OK; it should be in effect in November of this year. Yeah! After 30 years she can finally get a Birth Certificate resulting in Stillbirth for her son. I can’t wait for that day. I think it will be a big huge party. I was saddened to learn of C’s bad fortune in Canada. I spoke with my friend and she said that the governmental departments seem to have made it so they feel that they are doing the right thing. When in all actuality they have done nothing to recognize a child of stillbirth. C., I am so incredibly sorry and will be working on fighting your government for the rights to this very important document. If this a fight you have chosen let me know and I will do whatever I can to help.
Shan and I had an awkward moment when discussing TTC. I am ready any time I told him and he said he doesn’t think he can survive that again. Meaning, he cannot survive another loss. I am hoping that we won’t have to try to survive another loss; I am hoping that we will be blessed this time around. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I feel so bad for him, I know the pain all to well and I definitely know the fear. My emotions these days are a mixed bag. The roller coaster seems to hit with so much force. I do better when I talk to others on this ride. When I am alone, I do worse; the decline is very rapid when I am alone. How do you deal when you are alone? I stay in bed with the covers up and snuggled to William’s teddy bear and the cat, she is a good comfort these days. She seems to want me more than anyone else in this world these days and seems to understand that I need her too. Shan gets his solace in lawn work or work in general, it helps to keep his mind from wandering too much.
I’m off to work this morning trying to muddle through another day and deal with the stupid people of the universe. Seems it takes a lot of energy to deal and teach others what is and is not appropriate to say to me. To say to anyone that is traveling the same journey I am. I don’t have all the energy it takes to talk to these idiots so some days I just act as though I cannot hear them. I pretend to be engrossed in a book, the paper or a magazine. Sometimes (the smart ones) catch on sometimes (the idiots) keep talking as though I want to talk back eventually. We’ll see what today offers. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be lucky and get only smart ones today!

It's a Meme cause it's always all about ME!

Thanks to Heather, I've been tagged for a meme, so here it goes!

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?I was 23. Madly in love and had just gotten married. Of course, we're divorced now but he's still a good friend!

2. What 5 things are on you to-do list for today?
- sleep (damned dog kept me up late with the storms!)
- figure out what to eat for dinner
- check blog's
- hang with Shan
- go to bed early with Shan

3. List some snacks you enjoy.
- really like my protein shakes (french vanilla!) it ensures I get some milk and protein.
-I love potato chips and chocolate!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
-Build our house
-donate to NILMDTS, Project Flutter, First Breath(our own place for grieving parents, tied in with 1st Candle), & March of Dimes.
-Take care of our families and good friends
- I would then buy Shan a truck, my own NEW car, and we would go to Sweden to see Shan's family!

5. List the places you have lived.
- Prairie Village, KS
- Leawood, KS
- Manhattan, KS
- Kansas City, MO (Not very fun but hey, I'm still close to my family!)

6. List the jobs you have had.
- Babysitter
- Dry Cleaning bitch(you know the girl who takes in your clothes and tags them!)
- bank teller
- Personal slave to a General Surgeon (Asshole!)
- waitress
-Volunteer/VP of the local Animal Shelter (All volunteer run! This is where I met Shan!)
- Auto transfusion Technician (Current job, family business)

7. List the people you want to know more about.
Shaina, Coggy, C., Kalakly, and G.
Of course, I want to know about all of you so feel free to jump in and fill this out!

I'm BACK!!

I hope you are all doing well. I will be spending a good part of my week catching up with all of your posts…I will try to catch up by Thursday this week!

We’ve been busy; I need to apologize to those of you with G.Reader. You may very well have seen 2-3 of the same post regarding a song and my Nieces pre-school graduation. Yes, it is something I wanted to share but was too lazy and working too fast to get it done appropriately. I will try to repost it at a later date!

The busy part…Shan’s Dad stayed with us for 2 weeks. He’s a go-getter…kept Shan on his toes and wore him slick! It’s not a bad thing but not a great thing either! It’s always nice to have his dad with us but it’s also nice to get our personal space back! I’m not a very good person to share space with. I’m kind of bitchy and VERY set in my ways! I am NOT a morning person and truly dislike being spoken to before I am ready. Luckily, Shan’s dad knows this…most days! Shan on the other hand is a different story…he eggs on my crappy attitude. That’s actually a different post all together!

So, I took time away and yet I still poked my head through the door on occasion to check in. I didn’t make it to everyone, obviously or you would have seen comments galore I am sure. I missed you all A LOT! It’s very hard for me to stay away from peeking my head around the corner to check in. You are all my addiction and sometimes I need the break from this addiction to feed another.

We have another round of “stuff” coming up in our personal lives and yet some more mile stones (sounds like the wrong thing to say) coming up for us regarding William. Six months in only 12 days away now…doesn’t seem like it can be six months yet. We have our first Steam Show (I’ll explain later!) in just over 2 weeks and I was so looking forward to having William with us at this event. It’s going to be very difficult and of course before the show we have the dreaded Father’s Day. I am not sure how Shan will handle this. Me, I may stay in bed after I tell him what a wonderful Daddy, I know he is.

Lately, I have had yet another round of ups and downs, more ups I think than downs but I’m not exactly sure about that either. I spent Memorial Day at the cemetery placing flowers on a head stone of a good friend who passed six months ago. My losses should all be in another post all together but the short end of the stick is this… August 2007 lost my Cat of 13 years, November 2007 lost a good friend to a freak blood clot, and William’s God Parents lost their fur kid (our fur nephew) to cancer the day after our friend died and then of course, 2 weeks after the friend died we lost our William. I went to the cemetery and then to the infant memorial at the hospital. While at the infant memorial, in the field next to the stone were a herd of cattle…they watched me…I spoke to them…for every baby I could name there was a cow to match. Ironic sure, wishful thinking that they were all watching me, probably but kind of cute just the same! I think the six-month mark is just going to hit me like a brick as the build up is already weighing me down. I guess we’ll have to see.

I do want to thank you all for being here and being my addiction, I am not sure how I would get through any of this without all of you!

ETA: The pee stick was negative, I'm alright with that though! Not exactly ready, I don't think! Maybe next time!