Just thought...

I should let you all know, I am alright! This is short and to the point, I have Shan's Dad in town and rather than keep my arse planted in front of my computer, I am trying to spend some time with him.

I apologize for not commenting, you all seem to write so eloquently, and to be honest, it more often than not brings me to tears. I am trying to avoid the void that I feel and all of the sadness. At the very least for the next week. I feel bad neglecting to blog or commenting, however, this is me time that is needed. I will catch up through out the week and hope that you are all doing alright too!

Thank you to those of you who checked in. I'll be back soon to check on you too!

Bits and pieces

I’m not sure where to start or where to end for that matter. Sunday was the service at the hospital. It was a small service, for EVERYONE, who had lost ANYONE. Not just babies. However, we were the only ones there who had lost our baby. Everyone else had lost someone older…much, much, older. It was a nice service; my Niece and Nephew joined my sister, my Mother, Shan and myself. It was nice for them all to be there. I cried, a lot, especially when Shan spoke Williams full name in remembrance. It was the first time I have heard him say his full name, the first time, in a long time that he has even uttered,” William.” We left the service after having cookies and punch and went down the hill to the “infant memorial,” I had brought with me two purple iris from my yard; my mom brought a dozen white roses. We placed them together in the vase on the stone. I cried when the kids placed some of the roses and said nice things like, “William, even though you are dead, you will always be our cousin.” How blunt yet sweet from a five year old. And then there was, “William, we would have had so much fun with you and you with us.” That one from the nephew! I wailed, I think that’s the best way to put it. We then all went for a walk on the trail and watched the kids play and read all of the memorial plaques along the way on the trees and benches. It was sad, it was hard, it gave me a little (in tiny print!) closure. I miss our son; I miss him more than words can even begin to say. I am angry, I am sad; I am hurt that he is not here.

Today, I had to go to the grocery store the list read something like this:

*Milk
*Dog food/treats/canned
*Cat food dry/treats
*TP
*Spaghetti/S.sauce
*Tampons

I went up and down the aisles checked off all of the items until I came to the tampon aisle. I couldn’t buy the tampons, oh no, not me, I had to buy the 2 pack EPT. For good luck, for wishful thinking, I’m not sure why. They’ll sit in a drawer for at least 2 weeks and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll pull one out and see. I’m sure it’ll be negative but hell, in this life I live you just never know.

This part is for Antigone, I know it’s rough, I know it’s hard, I am thinking of you everyday. I am keeping all my happy, good thoughts rolling your way that this one will make it. I know it’ll never be Henry, but maybe, just maybe a piece of him will come back to you. I’m wishing you peace my dear, and sending you mighty big hugs!

To everyone else, you know how this goes; I’m thinking of you all and hoping for only the best and sending you lots of love and peace!

The game plan

Well, let's see, the game plan. It is simple, or yeah, I guess that's what I'd like to think. Doc put me on Met.for.min, no, I am not dia.betic, don't have P.COS, so why? To decrease my risk of miscarriage from 40% to 14%. Am I at high risk for miscarriage? We're not sure! My insulin challenge was a bit high so we're cutting it off at the pass and this is to give me piece of mind.

So, in order to make a long drawn out story short, we have the green light to try again! Thing that sucks the most, his family will be here while I'm ovulating! Yeah, me! Try stuffing a sock in my mouth I guess! Or, get it done really fast and hide while my legs are propped up! What fun!

So that's the short end of it! I'm sure you'll get the long end of it as now, I am nervous, sad, and leery of losing yet another baby. 2 losses is enough for me. I don't think my heart can stand a 3rd. I know my soul cannot. So, we'll see where the grief roller coaster and the TTC roller coaster collide.

Again, thank you all for all of your support. I am also sure you will hear or um, well, read my ups and downs with taking Met.for.min. as, my body day one seems to dislike the stuff!

Wow, Thanks!

Thanks to Katie, at Taking the Statistical Bullet, for bestowing upon me this wonderful award. She herself has been nothing but kind to me, more kind that I deserve! So thank you!

I am passing this on to all of my girls, I can't choose just a few of you, you have all treated me with kindness and love, so if you are on my blog roll, well then this goes to you! So, put it up display it proudly and know that I thank you for being my friends and pulling me through all of this junk!

The Day (Mother's Day)

Be forewarned, I started writing this yesterday and ended it today...a lot of it is in present tense as it was the present when I wrote it.

The day is here. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe, just maybe, it's because I am cleaning (taking a break to post). My house literally has not been touched since December, at least not by me. My Mom, cleaned, a lot when she stayed with us after, after we gave William over to the hospital staff and left him there.



The hardest part about today is, well, all of you. I dislike the fact that there are so many of us missing our babies. Wishing we had them in our arms, smiling back at us. I have a peace that William is with me. No, not physically but I feel as though he touches me everyday. I wish you all could feel that. Not that it makes it any easier. Yet, it's not so harsh, everyday.



I am blessed, I have a wonderful family. A wonderful fiance. A good life. Shan, went to get me Sweet William plants for Mother's Day, no body not a single nursery here had them. It's the thought that counts! On top of that, he picked out an incredibly sweet Mother's Day card for me and signed it with all of the furry kids names and his and Big Daddy's too! Keep in mind that this is only the 2nd card I have ever received from him and I didn't even say that I wanted anything. He loves me, that's enough for me!

My Mom, wow, I don't have enough good words about this woman, she amazes me everyday. She made a large donation to William's MOD band. She said, she would have spent that if not a lot more on him by now if he were still here. She thinks of William, Shan and I everyday. I cannot thank her enough for being my mom.

I have so many good friends who called or emailed to check on me yesterday. Thank you to each and every one of you. It means more than I can say in words that you thought of me and William yesterday.

B., my nephew is an amazing little man. He's only 9. I called yesterday evening to talk to my sister, to tell her how much I had accomplished on my cleaning because I was so happy with myself. B., answered the phone, we chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him. "I love you too, oh, and hey, Happy Mother's Day, you know you are still a Mother!" Me, of course, I started crying, he got my sister and in turn I heard him say, "I made her cry, I didn't mean to but she is still a Mother." My sister took the phone over and I told her what a special boy she has. How nice it is that no one says to him that you need to say this. He just does it all. My sister and I talked and she made sure my day was decent which it was.

I was truly blessed yesterday and well, today, I believe I am always going to be blessed with this wonderful group of Mommies in my life. I am priveleged to know each and every one of you.

Today, I had my HSG. Ouch, pressure, Oh, wow, that feels like a contraction, is that normal? Yes, it's all normal and I am alright. The pain passed and my doc said all looks good. We'll chat more tomorrow at my appointment. He's still an incredibly nice guy. He made me laugh and took the edge off a bit with his funny comments. I will fill you all in when I get my game plan down! Yeah, like I've ever been able to follow a game plan, but I can pretend can't I?!

No good title

That's what this is, there is no good title. This is just my week in ramblings due to the fact that I can't seem to form a thought for more than maybe say, five minutes at a time. Maybe I am just having brain farts, I'm not sure. Anyhow, let's get on with my week.

Sunday, Aunt Flo came to join me. Not a bad thing, not a good thing either. I scheduled for my HSG which is this coming Monday! Yeah, I know it'll be uncomfortable but that's why my lovely Mom is taking me. So, I may take some good drugs and Tylenol and have a designated driver to get me to and fro. I am scared. This didn't hit me until the R.E.'s office called back and said they wanted to set up another appointment to go over my GTT test and my thyroid panel, etc. with me. Why all of this bothers me I'm not sure. What is the worst thing they can tell me at this point? I'm not pregnant so, they can't tell me that I've lost another one. What could all of this mean? Maybe, I am just scared for what it means for my future.

That damned day is around the corner...yes, two days away. No, I don't begrudge anyone this day. It just makes me incredibly sad. However, my Mom, being the wonderful woman she is made a donation to Williams MOD band. Thanks again, Mom! I love you! This gesture touched my heart and soul.

Knowing I have a good family eased the pain of the people at work today wishing me a *Happy* Mother's day. Oh, BITE ME! Do I seriously need to wear a shirt that tells you to remember what has happened in my life?!

My mask is obviously not too good for some. One of the ladies I work with picked out that the reason I am sooo incredibly tired all the time is because I am depressed. Gee, do you think? Of course, I'm depressed, do I want drugs, NO! Will I be depressed forever? No, I don't think so, I will more than likely just let it hang on for a while before I decide to give the depression the boot. Don't I wish it were that easy!

So, my plans for Mother's day? I do believe that I will seriously get my house clean. Try to keep my mind off things. Yes, cleaning my house will take all weekend, and maybe into next week. I have vacuumed twice since December. I have done nothing else to the house since December but those two times of running the vacuum. The dust is so thick I can write obscene things on my clocks, t.v.'s, and even my desk. Now, that's just sad. So yes, I will be cleaning. I love my Mom, she knows this. She'll know it even more when she gets her gift delivered to her. I may decide to make her a treat and take it to her but it depends on what I get done on the house tomorrow. Anyhow, what I would really like to do is crawl in bed Saturday night and stay there until Monday around 1:00 when my Mom comes to get me for my HSG. That would be my ideal way to spend Sunday.

I do wish you all a peaceful day and hope that it's not too hard on any of us. I am thinking of you all.

To believe or not to believe

It's been a week, a weekend, whatever. It's been yet another time spent without our son. We have so much going on. Although I know some don't believe in Ps.y.chic Me.d.i.um.s, I do and so does Shan. We went to see Jo.h.n E.dwar.d with my Mom Saturday. Yes, in a frenzy 4 weeks out from delivering William, his show was the only that I could watch and feel calm even at the mention of babies. So, when I knew he was coming to town, I shelled out the big bucks for three tickets, Mom, me and Shan!



Shan, didn't want to go. He was scared that something might happen, he'd find out something about his health (read: petrified semi hypochondriac!). When J.E. said, I'm getting l.u.ng ca.nce.r and a mother figure, and a C or K name. I froze, I reached across my mother and tapped Shan, it's you. He shook his head no. It was for the ladies in front of us. There is a part of me that begs to differ, see Shan's sister's name starts with a C. and his mom died of lu.ng ca.n.c.er. But, the lady in front of us spoke up. Our stories were similar. Very similar. The next was a lady who had lost a child, was this a baby asked J.E. Tears, streaming down my face the lady couldn't speak, just nodding her head and nothing else was said by her. J.E. said the baby is fine, with other family. My Mom, nudged me and we both cried.



All afternoon stories coincided with ours, so many children no longer with their families. Yes, I know, we all believe what we want to. I choose to believe in spirits and the spirit world. It was a very interesting time to be had by all. There were so many connections made and even a little boy in the audience was "contacted" by his Grandpa. That was what took all of our breaths away. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the place. All in all it was a fun experience and yes, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Now, I started working out last week! I joined the Y and went everyday except yesterday and today. That's not bad, it's not good either. My ass hurts, literally and my back and my arms and my neck and every other part on my body. I was starting to get mad about all of this though. I can handle the pain but where the eff was Aunt Flo? Why was she being so untimely? No, I can guarantee I was not pregnant, foam and "rubber duckies." No, breaks, no misses...not pregnant. So, why was my cycle delayed? Don't have a clue but I started yesterday which means, I can have my "final" test before we TTC again. I have to call tomorrow to schedule my HSG. I'm scared and excited and a bit on edge.

What will this mean for my future, for our future? Am I ready to try? Do I even want to go there yet? My answers are actually very simple, A baby that lives and survives birth and life. Yes. And yes. Before I actually wrote this down, I was thinking this is all wishful thinking. I mean is the 3rd try going to be the charm? Seriously, my charm is my son who isn't here. Am I ready for this, this scary unknown, the fear, the anxiety without drugs? That one I can't answer.

I do know that I want a baby but the other fear I have is this, I know you all support me but I am scared to go to the other side. The side of pregnancy after loss. The side of not having all of you there to walk me through it because it'll be too hard for you to read about. What's even more strange is that IRL I don't give a shit. But here, in blogland, I am petrified to hurt anyone.
I want nothing more than to have each and everyone of you holding my hand, with the anxiety of mine and pregnant too. I know, now I am asking too much, can you all get knocked up and join me? Selfish, I know but it is my hope that each of us can hold the ultimate gift in our arms someday in the future, preferably, say ten and a half months from now, a living, breathing, healthy child, who stays with us until our dying day. Oh, and yes, our dying day cannot come for at the very least another say fifty five years! How does this suit you all?

My sarcasm shining through here, but the truth is I am scared of feeling as though I am turning my back on you all by TTC and actually conceiving and carrying a healthy one. Then again, I am scared of turning my back on William to do all of this.

I think in typing this I just got my answer...I feel as though I haven't given William his just dues but I hope he'll understand should I decide to take a leap of faith. I guess I need to believe rather than not believe that all will be alright. That we all will be alright.