To a better 2009

I'll raise a glass of something (beer, eggnog, wine, water) to us all tonight. Albeit before midnight. I'm hoping for a better 2009 for all of us.

This last year I was mired in my grief. I didn't do anything to help myself physically. I gained weight while I was pregnant and I kept in on after I lost William. I plan on losing weight this year. Is that a resolution? No, it's a promise I'd like to keep to myself. I started smoking again after I lost William. I'd like to promise myself that I will quit that nasty habit too. So what are my resolutions? I can't say that I truly have any. Maybe one could or should be that I resolve to clean my house every week. I resolve to organize my life. Ok, so that's 2. Maybe those are the two that I know I can stick to. I would like to resolve to be a kinder person, one who cares more about others than myself. To be honest, there's a part of me who wants to care more about me than anyone else. I can't say that I have ever done that one for myself.

I'm co-dependent, others problems are so much easier for me...they don't affect me directly and I can say a lot of things to help others. I never, well, almost never take my own advice. Maybe I should learn to do that this next year.

So, instead of resolutions tonight I will make wishes. I have a lot of wishes for 2009. I'll start the list here and now. Maybe by writing it down, I will feel like they may very well be granted.

Wish List for 2009
1. To find peace
2. For all of us to have happy, healthy lives and babies (happy, healthy ones)in this coming year!
3. For someone to find a cure for ALL cancers!
4. For us all to live long lives plus see number 2!
5. To reconnect with family and friends that I have pushed away in the last year.
6. To spend more time with my Gram!
7. For world peace!(Yes, that sounds like a Play.boy Play.mate answer but it's true!)
8. For Shan and I to get married.
9. For a couple of vacations this year (Didn't take a single one last year and really need a couple this year!)
10. To pay off all debt...yes this would require winning the Powe.rba.ll but hey, a girl can dream and this is a wish list!

So, tell me what are your resolutions or your wishes for 2009?

ETA: I edited this for the stupid spelling errors I made! Sorry!

Post three of three with explanation!

Now my order may be all messed up but, I'm sure you can get the idea! Brent wrote a wonderful letter to go with his balloon, Libby drew pictures and you see the front of the invite and the balloons before release in post 1. Post two contains Becky's letter(heartfelt and heart touching, not aching), a snowflake that Grammi sent to William (one that she made), Shan and the kids walking to release the balloons, the balloons released and the piece of cake that we have for William! Post 3, this post contains, a picture my sister and her husband gave us, the t-shirt Brent made for me with a hawk on it and Williams name, and the tree with the lights on.

I neglected to get pictures of all of our outside lights last night. To be honest, I was exhausted! The day went off without a hitch and William's Godparents even came over to join us for the entire celebration. Shan and I were both pleased with all that went on. Yes, I sent a letter to heaven from Shan and I but that one we'll keep to ourselves.

Thank you all for all of your support and well wishes and Birthday wishes to William. I just know he heard you all!

Post two of three in pictures

Post one of three in letters and pictures

Happy Birthday, William!

Mommy and Daddy love you and hope you are jumping on clouds, laughing and playing!

Thank you for waking me up at 4:14 am today, I know you came by to say hello, I appreciate that. I woke up in tears because you are not here physically but I do feel you with me today.

You have so many caring loving people here on earth that miss you. They have all done such wonderful things for you on this day, and for us too. T., Shaina and Peter all released balloons for you this morning. Grammi made a donation to March of Dimes. Shaina and Peter donated a toy to Toys for Tots in honor of you. Jodi wrote you a Happy Birthday email and sent her thoughts to Mommy and Daddy.

Later today, Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Pappa, Aunt B., Uncle M., B and L., Grandpa Wayne, Aunt Tracy and Uncle Jas will be releasing balloons to heaven for you. Grandpa B and Angie will release balloons in the Caymans for you today also. Mommy is working on cleaning the house and finishing up your cake.

It's been a rough day but with all of the love and support from friends and family I know we will all get through it. We love you and miss you little one.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet baby boy!

(I will post pictures of everything later this weekend. Our Christmas lights will go on outside and on the tree inside this evening after dark. We will be releasing balloons around 4:30 our time. Please join us in thought as we have our cake this evening. Thank you all for all of your support!)

Today, I am.

I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.

Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.

The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.

I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.

We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.

I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.

More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.

Give me a break!

No, not only do I get the stress er, um, sadness of dealing with the loss of William. I am dealing with being semi-crippled and Wayne, stars chemo Monday. Yeah for me! I want a place like THIS to go to! Anyone know of a place in my area as I can't afford to go to Cali right now! Actually, I'd like to open one of my own!

Yes, this all sucks but many things we can get through with a little help from our friends, I will be leaning on you all a lot more coming up here soon! In advance, thank you for your support and ears, well, eyes!