Time

It's been a while, a long while since I stopped and had a good cry...truly mourning my son. I read a blog tonight, it broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I had to step outside to have a good cry. I feel cut to the core again. The knife is back and it's stabbing and twisting and aching.
No, it's not the post itself that did this, it was one phrase, "so that he does not die again," It made my heart ache. It made my brain and heart jump back in time. My heart aches for all of us who have this thought. We try so hard to keep our little ones alive in our hearts, minds, spirits, and every day life. Sometimes I, myself forget that I'm not the only one living this life (yes, even though you all are in my computer and I've met some families in real life) the one where the child didn't make it out alive and I have to pretend like I'm alright. Sometimes I still feel so alone and yet, for a long time I haven't thought about any of it. I had to go outside to apologize to my son. I am sorry that I have been moving forward without looking back. I am sorry that I didn't take the time everyday to mother him the way he deserves. I am sorry that I haven't been in blogland where I can honor him, remember him, and share him with the rest of the world.
I am sorry that any of us have to live in this land of make-believe. Don't I wish that were all it were, make-believe. I'm going to revert to my sad phase of grief again, it somehow seems a bit healing. Then I'm sure anger will kick in but acceptance can still kiss my ass! That text book shit is for just that, a text book!
Tomorrow is another day and maybe the knife will stop twisiting in the morning, then again maybe not...tomorrow is a new day.
In the meantime, if anyone can think of a way for Carly to keep doing her site...please link to her post and send her a message. If there is one thing I hold onto it's the picture she took of William's name in the sand. Her Christian's spirit inspired her and lives on in that photo I have in my office. I don't want to see her dream go down this way...I want her dreams to move on ward and upward!

Eloquent

I am not. I do not have fabulous writing skills. I write like I think and like I speak. My thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. Puncuation...what's that? I loved E.ngli.sh classes growing up but I didn't pay much attention to any of it but the reading part.

I had hoped to keep up with this blog to remember William some more. Truth is, I don't need the blog to remember. Amongst all of the things I have around my house, the things I wear, My necklace with his ashes, the mother and child necklace, the ring with his birth stone and the ankle braclet a dear friend made for me with a bell that symbolizes William, I have all of the reminders I need. What I do miss from blogging is the support that I have received since I started this thing.

I am reminded a lot that "no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to!" So, I am not feeling inferior. I just don't know where to go from here...like the title says.

I feel as though I have made a lot of forward progress, if that's what we want to call it. I have done a lot to make my world a better place since losing William. Of course, somedays it still feels like a nightmare. You know, the never ending one that repeats day after day?! The one that you thought you had but can't really remember after waking up.

I don't know if blogland is where I'm supposed to be these days or if I should just try to live in the RE.AL world. Whatever that may be these days. I have no answers, no sage words of ass.vice for others or any true thoughts except for "I'm sorry," "I'm thinking of you," "or wishing you peace." You know what even those get old whe you type them too much. It's like the broken record on my turn table, it skips over and over and over again.

I miss my kid, I still get queasy when family and friends announce they are pregnant, my only thought for them is, " I hope you don't have to go thru what we've all been thru." Then the jeaoulsy still kicks in, why them, why NOT me? Will I ever get my break? I guess, time will tell. Maybe some day soon, my break will come.

I'm not standing on my head waiting for little tadpoles to swim towards my eggs (that is assuming I still have eggs), I am not swinging from the rafters whooping and hollering, hoping to get pregnant. Most days it doesn't cross my mind. Most days sleep ( a really good nap ) crosses my mind. But the thought of putting the effort into ttc doesn't even appeal to me right now. Maybe the thought was never there to start with. Do I want to be a Mom? Yes, most definitely but will it ever happen? I don't know and I don't have the energy to put into that thought these days anyhow.

So, where am I going with this? I'm not sure! This started as my online journal, to keep my feeling in tow and know that I wasn't alone in some of the crazy thoughts I had...I think I'll stick with that. It is still my journal and if someone wants to use it against me then you know what go right ahead. These are my thoughts, this is my space and I'm still learning how to live MY life.

Life, it's like a box of choc.olates!

You never know what you will get until you take a bite.

Since being "asked" (read, kicked out of, that's how I feel about it)to leave support group, I have actually accomplished a whole lot more than I thought I would. Have I gone to another group? No, I have turned to Shan, which is who I should have been talking to first anyway! He's been incredibly supportive and since his grief train has just started coming around the bend we've been able to help one another. Grief takes a break and then comes back with avengence...she's cruel and evil! I have been working a lot and staying busy which is a very good thing.

The big guy ended up in the hospital about a month ago, we almost lost him...phone call at 2 am said, "you need to come back, they aren't sure he's going to make it." He made it, he's grumpy and home now, but most of all he's alive! Cancer is an evil disease, kind of like grief, cancer too takes a break and then comes back with avengence! Trying to get into clinical trials is no easy task...the news reports on something and you can't get a trial with the same drug ANYWHERE! I have searched everywhere! It wears me out and makes me sad and yes it angers me!

We attended our 1st Ste.am show of the season and it was wonderful...hot yes, but so much fun to be with great friends who just plain understand life! Now it's of to Io.wa for the holiday! Excited to see our fabulous family and eat spectacular chicken at our favorite place in south.east Io.wa!

I would love to talk about what else I've been up to but know that some people use my blog to attack and hurt me, I cannot talk about all I have been doing here. I so wish I could share with you all because it's what I love and what I'm good at but some(you know who you are, since I'm sure you are still reading to see if I talk about you!) just don't have the security in themselves to read this and leave me be!

Wow, yes, I sound bitter and I guess a bit of me is... well, maybe a lot of me!