DC

I’m home! The Symposium was in one word, SPECTACULAR! Sunday, we got in at 12:30 to Baltimore and to the hotel by 2:00 in the afternoon. Then we were up all night going to the monuments and enjoying the sights. We got to bed about 1:00 in the morning. Monday, we didn’t have anything until 1:00pm and thought; we could make it to the Lincoln Memorial and somewhere else and still get back in time for our Peer Support training. WRONG! The closest metro stops to the Lincoln Memorial are about two and a half miles (the one we took to get there!) and one and a half miles (the one we took to get to the hotel!) To say the least it took us two hours round trip to get to and from the Lincoln Memorial! ARGH! Support training with Sherokee Isle was very informative and interesting, it reaffirmed my feelings on peer support! It’s needed and nothing compares to someone who’s been there, done that!
Tuesday was the Symposium, it started in the morning we had three speakers and a lot of information on Cord “accidents”, Cord placement, and testing that Mom’s should get. We also had a speaker from the pathology side of things and how we need to train more coroners on how to appropriately do an autopsy so that more things can be found instead of giving parents, unexplained diagnoses. Dr. Jason Collins, my new love shared with us all of his information on how so many of these Stillborn children could and should have been saved. He has a website and I can tell you, should I be blessed enough to get pregnant again, at 28 weeks, I’ll be going to Louisiana to become his patient. Where William was concerned he (Dr. Collins) could not have helped me but maybe in the future I will have the chance for him to help me! Possibly, Dr. Ruth Fretts can help me also! She was another OBGYN there that spoke very eloquently of other things that other physicians do not share with us…um, FOLIC ACID is a MUST and WATER, WATER, WATER…. drink it and pee clear would you, please!
The afternoon session started out with my new dear friend, Suzanne Pullen and her video on her son Avery, who was born still at 24 weeks. Her talk ended with her video of her son Quinn, her subsequent pregnancy, whom Dr. Collins ensured made it earth side. Quinn’s birthday…December 13, 2006…one year to the day prior toWilliam coming to earth still. To be honest I was crying so hard I blocked some of the other information coming in after Suzanne! There is so much information, I have the slides and will have everything tidied up in about a week. We had a Memorial Service for our babies, we held hands, and we cried, we giggled, we loved!
At dinner we had two incredible Moms’, one of which brought her child to the world a bit early do to using Kick Counts. Had it not been for counting kicks and recognizing her child’s movements her baby would not have made it earth side. However, she used a kick counter and got to the hospital, she was able to deliver earlier than planned and her baby made it earth side. Our other speaker, another bereaved mom who is incredibly courageous, got up and told us why co-sleeping is NOT good! Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with William in my arms, now I know, that will not happen…a crib next to the bed…that’s fine…someone else around when I am tired…that will happen. Lisa, fell asleep with her son on the couch and she rolled on top of him. She suffocated him. YES, it WAS an accident…now she goes around the country telling parents of safer sleeping habits with your child. So, now, here is my plea…PLEASE PUT THE CRIB NEXT TO YOUR BED, GET A HALO BLANKET AND USE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR CRIB BUT A CRIB SHEET!! I WANT ALL OF YOUR BABIES TO LIVE LONG, HAPPY, HEALTHY LIVES! I don’t want anyone to feel the pain my new friend Lisa feels.
To say the least this was yet another late night and a very emotional day…which ended in going to sleep late and having to get up early again on Wednesday. Wednesday was our day on the hill. What a beautiful site! So, many people and we were there on the same day that our President was there doing Appropriations meetings! No, regretfully we didn’t see him but we did see the secret service agents, and all of the security (um, sub machine guns!) It’s kind of scary but fun too! We saw Senator Kerry and got a picture of him. We also saw the Kansas Legislator, Dennis Moore (we had a meeting with him); we have pictures of us with him. There’s a lot of walking involved when you lobby, it’s truly not for me. I enjoyed it all very much. I would do it all again but I’ve learned my lesson, I need sleep! I need to go to bed at a decent time and then catch up on all of the interesting stuff the next day! Wednesday night at dinner I learned that we got our Republican, lead sponsor for the bill we were pushing. To me that sounds like we won’t have a problem getting it passed this year! All of our hard work paid off! We all pushed our reps and we all put a lot of walking and work into getting this pushed through! WE all did it!
To my new friends, thank you! It is an honor and I am proud to have met you and call you my friend! You all here, my blog friends, my new friends from DC, all of my friends who have stuck by me, you are all my gifts that William has sent to me. So, Thank you all for allowing our children to connect us in a way that may not have happened without them. Much love to each and every one of you and your families!

Bright Sunny days bring...

Dark memories. I woke up yesterday, went outside with the dog and started reliving delivery. The weather was warm, I was in my pj's and I was just sitting there. "I can't do this" rang through my head. The feelings, the contractions, the fear all came rushing back. Yesterday was no special date, it was no special time of the year, well maybe it was. Who knows what would have been. Maybe, just maybe if William would have stayed with us I would have delivered him yesterday. His due date was the 29th of this month but I always felt like he'd come early. Just not that early. Maybe my impending trip is what brings about the resurfacing of all of those days.
I leave in five days for DC. I will be attending support group training, I will listen to lectures and statistics and what to do's and what not to do's. I will be surrounded by health care proffesionals, some who may be cold. My job, to lighten their hearts to the likes of me, to the likes of us, who have lost our children. My other job, to try to get my legislators to pass some bills that pertain to stillbirth. Maybe, just maybe the stress of all of this is bringing about the bad memories. I want the good ones, the one where I felt him move, the ones where I held him, slept and woke up to him being there, no one took him from me, he was still there. I don't want the delivery, the moments where he wasn't with me, the one when I left him behind, or when I picked up his ashes and brought him home in a bag.
This is the grief roller coaster and I am on a down swing. Hopefully, it will come to pass by this weekend. Hopefully, I can hold myself together long enough to get through the symposium. Hopefully, I can talk about my son and smile.

Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Last Call..Memorial album

I received this today:

Hello all,
We are closing reaching the deadline for submitting information, pictures, etc. that we will put in our Baby Memorial Album (March 10, 2009).
We would love to have you join us. Whether you are able to participate yourself or not, we could use your help..... can you please forward this to others, post on other facebook groups, or weblinks? This is such a lovely opportunity and a chance to really help make a difference. Every baby matters and we want to show Congress that all over the world - there are parents who will always remember and always love their babies. They were real and need to be counted (we don't yet have standardization in reporting). AND we need money to support research for prevention of such tragedies.
Thank you for participating and/or sharing with others.
www.firstcandle.org/our-babies/
Best wishes,
Sherokee Ilse
sherokeeilse@yahoo.com
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