Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

What the fuck ever! I know, I'm full of crap, I just like to pretend that it'll all get better from here! What I really need to say is this...I'm so damned tired of feeling this way.

I am sad and angry all of the time and it takes absolutely nothing to set me off. This is all so unfair and instead of searching for misplaced items in my house I should be nursing my son. Instead of yelling at someone, I should be sitting in my rocking chair rocking my son. The ringers should be off on the phones and I should be napping when I can. I should have a nursery instead of a guest room. I should have a lot of things and instead I am feeling as though I have nothing.

Don't get me wrong, my imaginary (you in my computer, that's what my mom calls you all!) friends, have and do help tremendously but I am feeling like the one person who should get it doesn't. That one person being, Shan. Instead of talking he shuts down and gets angry about the most insanely stupid crap. Then it starts the domino effect...I start slow and build, then I cry and get really mad! Why can't I support him? He doesn't talk! How can you support someone when they don't talk?

For fucks sake is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to have one full decent day? A day without tears, a day without anger, a day without the utter sadness that I feel?
Yes, again, another rough day and to be honest I thought I was doing alright today...guess not!

Grammi's cool Easter gifts for William

Here is William's Easter Lamb and Bunny from his Grammi, the picture of the backside is the gumball that the lamb is built on. The bunny has the same butt, you'll just have to imagine it!

Not a large sum but thankful just the same and Becky, you Rock!

Before reading, Becky's blog or Heather's for that matter. I took it upon myself to pay for the lady behind me in the Starbucks (yeah, they are everywhere) drive-thru. I asked the cashier to hand the lady a card that states: "An act of kindness in memory of my son, William Henry Johnson Born Still December 13, 2007 Born still...but still born. Always loved...never forgotten." It wasn't a large amount of money but it did make me thankful to do something just the same.

It made me feel good and sad all at the same time, how I would love to do this in honor instead of in memory. Why today? Well, as most of you already know, yesterday was Williams original due date and yesterday, I just didn't have it in me to be kind to anyone, including myself. So today, I chose to be kind, to share the story of my son (the short version) with a stranger. I hope that it made the lady behind me happy to get a free drink, I know it made me a little more happy to share my son today.

I don't know how to thank Becky, a non-loss Mom, for all of the kind things she does for all of us. I think the best way to thank her is to donate to my favorite's on my list of Tithing's (baby loss tithing's that is) in honor of Alex and in memory of all of our little ones. She got the ball rolling so how about you?! Are you in? If yes, then I then I would like to hear about what wonderful thing you have done to pay it forward.

Again, Becky thank you for being who you are, a wonderful, loving woman. We all would like Alex to know how much you, his Mommy, ROCKS!

Take it to the limit

one more time (stolen from the Ea.gl.es). Well, I get pushed and I get pushed. To be honest, I don't know which way to turn. Yesterday, was Williams Original due date also, Shan's Mom's birthday (May she Rest in Peace, while holding our son). I managed to get through. Some incredibly rough patches of crying and screaming but I'm here today! So, let me get onto the pushing part!

A friend I have known since kindergarten who has absolutely no intentions of hurting me, emailed today. Two guesses what the email says and the first one doesn't count! Oh, yes, I'm sure you got it right both times! She's pregnant with her 2nd, 15 weeks and expecting mid September. I just don't know how to respond. Yes, I'm happy for her but I am too angry and sad for myself to email her back. I love her, she's always been there for me but now, she doesn't know how to be there for me. The only ones that do are my family and you all. Which mind you isn't bad but it hurts like hell that others lives get to move on and I'm in a holding pattern of doctors appointments and sperm strike!

So, I pose the question to all of you, how the hell do I respond to her email politely while explaining my pain? She knows what we have been going through but how do I tell her it's worse than she thinks? Any assistance would be greatly appreciated as, I am horribly afraid of coming of rude and spiteful (computers don't allow for tone of voice).

William's uber cool Grammi

(Grammi was the winner at the egg hunt! Not!
The kids were worn out and their baskets too heavy so
Grammi hung on to the baskets for them!)

William's Grammi truly is uber cool! Of course, I would think that, I am her daughter!

I talked to my Mom this evening and found out that she got William the most cool Easter gift. A little gumball/sugar lamb with a purple ribbon around his neck. Now, purple is the color I associate with William. It has been since the day he was brought into this world. You see everything we got from the hospital in regards to him was purple. So purple is his color.

The extra cool thing is, I was standing outside this morning wishing I could make it to the store that sells these cute little things. I just knew I didn't have time. So, I had decided that next year I would get two of these little collectible (edible if you're a kid) treats.

I don't have to wait until next year! My Mom, being the awesome Grammi she is got William his. She said, "I should have gotten it the other day, I just didn't know how you would feel." Funny thing is, my Mom always knows how I feel. She was afraid of pushing the envelope too far. Now she knows that's not possible! Not where her little grandson is concerned. She went and picked out what she had originally wanted to get and got it! I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited!

Thank you Mom! I love you more than the moon and the stars and the sun and so does William!

William's first Easter

(William's new bunny with his bear)

We got through Easter with a few bumps but got through none the less. I started off crying, I know that William is too small to hunt Easter eggs but I so wanted to get him a basket, instead I got him a stuffed Easter Bunny, I'm sure I will have millions of stuffed animals before my lifetime is done here. Shan understands, he lets me cry. He doesn't say much, he is a man of few words. This day was hard for him too. Like so many other parents out there who do not have their children with them today we too had dreams. We had dreams of our little man all bundled watching his cousins act crazy at the family Easter egg hunt.

As I sit here typing away, I think of all the things I wanted to say to my little man yesterday, I wanted to tell him why Easter exists. No, we are not religious people but I do so like the religious stories behind certain holidays. I wanted to tell him that his cousins are crazy and no, they don't really need all that sugar but they'll eat it just the same.

I also think of how we are planning Williams memorial service. What a horrid thing to plan. We are supposed to be tired from a baby keeping us up instead we are tired because we are depressed. Shan, the man of few words said he'd like a friend of ours a Reverend, to come say a few words at Williams service. Wow, that struck me hard. William's poor Daddy, thinking about his service and how to do it "right," whatever that might be. He says things and not a tear in his eye but a lost look. He looks so sad, his baby boy isn't here. We had so many dreams that were dashed so rapidly.

This day, the day after Easter isn't much easier. I wake up and kiss William's bear, I tell William that I love him and that I will try to be strong today. Wishing all the while I was kissing him and not his bear.

I hope all of your Easters had some happy times. I know for most of us the sad times prevail. I hope for all of you a little peace as this year passes. I hope next Easter isn't so hard. I hope to get William's memorial service planned and done "right!" I hope for so many things and so many of the things I hope for are not things that will come true but I hope, I have that at least, hope.

A special one for Kalakly

Hoppy Easter to all and to all a good night!