I never put much thought to it, but the following poem seems so fitting.

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe, (Me)
Thursday's child has far to go. (William)
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,(Shan)
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,Is fair and wise and good and gay.

If you'll notice I put our names by our days. Me, full of Woe, like I said I might as well be Eeyore. William, my darling, you did have far to go, you had 15 more weeks. Shan, doesn't know anything other than work, it's what he throws himself into.

I hate that it seems so fitting now as I wish I had a different day to put with all of us! I wish I was Monday or Tuesday, I wish William was any other day but Wednesday or Thursday. Shan can stick with his day it's fine and true. At least his doesn't have a bad conotation behind it. It seems like the middle of the week just sucks. I don't like Mondays or Wednesdays anymore and I hate Thursdays. If William had lived this would not be so hurtful but he's not here and it does hurt.

I feel like Eeyore

and I sound like piglet. I wish I could sound like Eeyore then maybe everyone around me would get how I feel on a regular basis. I feel this way hour by hour. Yet my voice doesn't reflect my sadness so some think I "sound good" or "you must be doing better."

Once again people, I am not doing better I lost my son, I will never be "normal" again. So let me make it easy for everyone, remember, I FEEL LIKE EEYORE, WOES ME!

Why I torture myself...

I will never know. I went to my perinatology consult, I'm not actually sure why I went to be honest. It's not as though I am going to try to have another baby. The only thing I want is my son and that's just not going to happen.

I went anyhow, they will run genetics testing on both of us. Yeah, can't wait to see those results! Genetics is something that creeps me out anyhow. Maybe it's just because all of it seems so foreign to me.

I am angry with everyone that can have living children. I couldn't even avert my eyes from my water bottle while sitting in the waiting room today. The one pregnant person who came in I couldn't bear to look at.

I guess I haven't figured out that I am just not ready for any of this. I keep thinking that William is still with me. I have yet to come to grips with the reality of it all. My son is gone, I know that yet, I don't think I really KNOW that! That makes no sense at all does it?

I want to find the way back to the days before this happened and find a way to fix it. Everything seems so pointless now and I can't seem to find the want to do anything. I have to force myself to do the dishes or clean the house. Hell I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm not finding it easier, it seems to get harder.

I have nothing positive to say today so maybe I will just leave it all alone for now. Maybe I will find something positive tomorrow.

My nerves...

are unraveling, I only have one left though!
I am preparing today to torture myself further by going to a perinatology consult.
I will, I am sure be in a room with pregnant people. That scares me. I am also scared that I won't ask all the questions that I should so if you all can think of any questions I need to ask please tell me what they are.
I have the genetic questions down, I think but what else is out there that I don't know about?

Fly my little Bumble

I have a song that rings in my head, my Mom had me listen to it the day after William was delivered. She said it made her think of him and now it makes me think too! It is a song called "Fly" by Celine Dion. I cry everytime I hear it and wish I could have sung it to him while he was in my arms now I just listen and hope he's listening too.

Fly - Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

William and Mommy

This is one of 3 pictures taken on the same day, 2 days before I found out Williams heart had stopped. They are the only pictures I have of William and I pre-delivery. I will cherish them always!

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I'm not ever going to be the person I was before December 10, 2007.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find the first comment rather sad as I, rather liked the person I was before that day.

I was rounding out (belly and all), I used to be a dreamer, I had gotten over what I considered major hurtles.

Now, my major hurtle includes getting out of bed, trying to smile, trying to move as I call it sideways.

I am now depressed (situational of course!), I cry a lot, I cannot relate to others, even my childless friends.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I used to be highly optimistic and now I find pessimism, something I despise setting in.

I can't even have 2 beers (which yes, I can have them now!) without getting sad and saying things I do not mean.

I can't look at car seat carriers or little boys with their parents, or babies at all.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I find myself covering my eyes and ears when someone says, "She has gone back to school to get her GED, she's 18, and she is pregnant, she doesn't even talk to the dad."

I cannot be happy for those that don't want children and yet have them. I am jealous and wonder why this happened to us.

I hear a song and have to shut off the radio, every song I hear no matter how happy deals with loss in my ears.

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.

I want so bad to hold my son, to tell him that I love him to his sweet little face. I want to hear him say, Mama and Dada.

I want so bad for the fear to go away, the fear that I will never find "normal" again. The fear that I cannot smile without it feeling fake.

I want so bad, to go back to December 9, 2007. When I was blissfully ignorant. When I thought nothing bad would happen to us.

I want so bad to smile, laugh, and make comments on how we would reprimand Will.

Instead....

I am now the mother of a child I can't even hold.