3 long years

My Dearest William,

It's been 3 long years without you. I miss you more than words can say and yet, I feel you with me everyday.
I know you are watching out for the little one growing inside of me now and I know you will help this child make it here safely. It's not going to ease my pain. You will always be my first born!
In 2 days it's your Birthday, the family is gathering as we always do, we will have cupcakes this year because what's a celebration of you without cake? Of course, it's what your Daddy wants too!
I have a feeling this Birthday of yours is going to be a different feeling for me this year. I'll be sure to tell you all about it when I talk to you on your day!
More than the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you!

19 weeks 4 days

Still freaking out...probably will be until the day this baby makes it here...positive thoughts bring positive things...happy thoughts only.
Thank you all for the well wishes still being very guarded and very, very scared! I am now the crazy doppler mom...2-3 times a day! urgh!

17weeks...

5 days...scared to death and trying not to show it!

For me to remember:

1/24/2011
171 Monday
350 Wednesday
561 Friday
3545 Tuesday 5/25/2010

Happy Birthday!

So, you'd be 2 today! Your Grammi, Aunt, Uncles, cousins, & Godparents came to celebrate you with us! Grandpa Wayne couldn't be here today as he's in hospital and Grandpa B, came by earlier bringing you a gift! You have a stuffed Stingray now, and man is it cute! ! Grammi brought your ornament...some Mittens, they are so little and cute and were wrapped in sun, moon, and stars, tissue paper! We had pizza, as per our usual and cup cakes...the kids and women, sang happy birthday and the kids blew out your candles. The kids turned on the lights, inside and out and they will be on now until after the new year! We had a good time, weird to say but true! There is a sense of peace that comes about on your birthday! I know you are alright!

Happy Birthday our little one! We love you, more than the sun, the moon and the stars!

Dearest William,

Twenty-four months, it's an unforgiving amount of time. In three short days it'll be two years since I found out that your heart stopped. In six days it'll be two years since I held you. This year has been full of obstacles the greatest for me is the fact that you are not here with us. I really don't have words to describe my feelings this year. I am upset because I haven't yet decided what to do for your birthday. I want to do something but it seems that November and December suck for our families anymore, we have all sorts of bad that happens and it all happens around your season. Your season being the start of the holiday season, you know Halloween! That kicks it off, your costumes that Grandpa Wayne got you hang in the closet awaiting me to do something with them, I look at them and cry...you will never fill them. Then we have Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for a lot but I am hard pressed to be joyous about too much! Then we have St. Lucia Day (not celebrated in the US but in Sweden which is a huge part of your heritage) St. Lucia Day is your day, you are a child of light! Although in Sweden the child of light is a girl...I choose to believe that it can be you! You were born onto this earth on the very day it's celebrated! So, once again, as my thoughts go back in time, I think once again I'll have the kids over we'll light up the house with the Christmas lights and have some cake. Hopefully, I can get the energy to clean the house...but if not, it'll be family anyhow! Kiddo, I love you, I miss you more than words can say and I love you more than the sun, the moon and the stars.
With all of my heart,
Your Mommy

Hmm

I think I've said it before...the things that make you go, hmmm!

Life has a way of throwing it's curveball when you least expect it!
The big guys doctor told him yesterday that he gives him six months to a year to live. To me that means the doctor is a MORON! Really, even if pushed do you tell anyone that? Hell, I could be hit by a MAC truck today and well, there's the end of my life! What if a doctor told me I had six to twelve months to live? I'd probably say well so do you! Watch your back doc...you never know! No, I'm not threatening anyone...I'm just saying no one knows when their last day will be...not in advance! If they do well then they are psychic or well in my eyes strange!

Shans brother is moving in with us...yes, I will have 3 children(grown men who think the world revolves around them!), none whom I have birthed and all over the age of 45 living with me! Yeah! Can't freakin' wait! I'm resolved not to let this ruin my life! If anything, it will make me stronger along with my relationships!

Other than that, really nothing new on this front. I stopped tracking my cycles as really it was just too much energy to expend and too stressful. When was my last period? Um, well, I'm not sure! Sometime last month! I kind of like not knowing! It eases a lot of "maybes." Then again it has me thinking...when was my last cycle? Oh, hell, it doesn't really matter does it?! I'm not a binge drinker, I've been taking better care of me and I've lost 12 pounds...that is a plus in my book of life!

So, dear friends, how are you and what have I missed?