Dearest William,

Twenty-four months, it's an unforgiving amount of time. In three short days it'll be two years since I found out that your heart stopped. In six days it'll be two years since I held you. This year has been full of obstacles the greatest for me is the fact that you are not here with us. I really don't have words to describe my feelings this year. I am upset because I haven't yet decided what to do for your birthday. I want to do something but it seems that November and December suck for our families anymore, we have all sorts of bad that happens and it all happens around your season. Your season being the start of the holiday season, you know Halloween! That kicks it off, your costumes that Grandpa Wayne got you hang in the closet awaiting me to do something with them, I look at them and cry...you will never fill them. Then we have Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for a lot but I am hard pressed to be joyous about too much! Then we have St. Lucia Day (not celebrated in the US but in Sweden which is a huge part of your heritage) St. Lucia Day is your day, you are a child of light! Although in Sweden the child of light is a girl...I choose to believe that it can be you! You were born onto this earth on the very day it's celebrated! So, once again, as my thoughts go back in time, I think once again I'll have the kids over we'll light up the house with the Christmas lights and have some cake. Hopefully, I can get the energy to clean the house...but if not, it'll be family anyhow! Kiddo, I love you, I miss you more than words can say and I love you more than the sun, the moon and the stars.
With all of my heart,
Your Mommy

Hmm

I think I've said it before...the things that make you go, hmmm!

Life has a way of throwing it's curveball when you least expect it!
The big guys doctor told him yesterday that he gives him six months to a year to live. To me that means the doctor is a MORON! Really, even if pushed do you tell anyone that? Hell, I could be hit by a MAC truck today and well, there's the end of my life! What if a doctor told me I had six to twelve months to live? I'd probably say well so do you! Watch your back doc...you never know! No, I'm not threatening anyone...I'm just saying no one knows when their last day will be...not in advance! If they do well then they are psychic or well in my eyes strange!

Shans brother is moving in with us...yes, I will have 3 children(grown men who think the world revolves around them!), none whom I have birthed and all over the age of 45 living with me! Yeah! Can't freakin' wait! I'm resolved not to let this ruin my life! If anything, it will make me stronger along with my relationships!

Other than that, really nothing new on this front. I stopped tracking my cycles as really it was just too much energy to expend and too stressful. When was my last period? Um, well, I'm not sure! Sometime last month! I kind of like not knowing! It eases a lot of "maybes." Then again it has me thinking...when was my last cycle? Oh, hell, it doesn't really matter does it?! I'm not a binge drinker, I've been taking better care of me and I've lost 12 pounds...that is a plus in my book of life!

So, dear friends, how are you and what have I missed?

Time

It's been a while, a long while since I stopped and had a good cry...truly mourning my son. I read a blog tonight, it broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I had to step outside to have a good cry. I feel cut to the core again. The knife is back and it's stabbing and twisting and aching.
No, it's not the post itself that did this, it was one phrase, "so that he does not die again," It made my heart ache. It made my brain and heart jump back in time. My heart aches for all of us who have this thought. We try so hard to keep our little ones alive in our hearts, minds, spirits, and every day life. Sometimes I, myself forget that I'm not the only one living this life (yes, even though you all are in my computer and I've met some families in real life) the one where the child didn't make it out alive and I have to pretend like I'm alright. Sometimes I still feel so alone and yet, for a long time I haven't thought about any of it. I had to go outside to apologize to my son. I am sorry that I have been moving forward without looking back. I am sorry that I didn't take the time everyday to mother him the way he deserves. I am sorry that I haven't been in blogland where I can honor him, remember him, and share him with the rest of the world.
I am sorry that any of us have to live in this land of make-believe. Don't I wish that were all it were, make-believe. I'm going to revert to my sad phase of grief again, it somehow seems a bit healing. Then I'm sure anger will kick in but acceptance can still kiss my ass! That text book shit is for just that, a text book!
Tomorrow is another day and maybe the knife will stop twisiting in the morning, then again maybe not...tomorrow is a new day.
In the meantime, if anyone can think of a way for Carly to keep doing her site...please link to her post and send her a message. If there is one thing I hold onto it's the picture she took of William's name in the sand. Her Christian's spirit inspired her and lives on in that photo I have in my office. I don't want to see her dream go down this way...I want her dreams to move on ward and upward!

Eloquent

I am not. I do not have fabulous writing skills. I write like I think and like I speak. My thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. Puncuation...what's that? I loved E.ngli.sh classes growing up but I didn't pay much attention to any of it but the reading part.

I had hoped to keep up with this blog to remember William some more. Truth is, I don't need the blog to remember. Amongst all of the things I have around my house, the things I wear, My necklace with his ashes, the mother and child necklace, the ring with his birth stone and the ankle braclet a dear friend made for me with a bell that symbolizes William, I have all of the reminders I need. What I do miss from blogging is the support that I have received since I started this thing.

I am reminded a lot that "no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to!" So, I am not feeling inferior. I just don't know where to go from here...like the title says.

I feel as though I have made a lot of forward progress, if that's what we want to call it. I have done a lot to make my world a better place since losing William. Of course, somedays it still feels like a nightmare. You know, the never ending one that repeats day after day?! The one that you thought you had but can't really remember after waking up.

I don't know if blogland is where I'm supposed to be these days or if I should just try to live in the RE.AL world. Whatever that may be these days. I have no answers, no sage words of ass.vice for others or any true thoughts except for "I'm sorry," "I'm thinking of you," "or wishing you peace." You know what even those get old whe you type them too much. It's like the broken record on my turn table, it skips over and over and over again.

I miss my kid, I still get queasy when family and friends announce they are pregnant, my only thought for them is, " I hope you don't have to go thru what we've all been thru." Then the jeaoulsy still kicks in, why them, why NOT me? Will I ever get my break? I guess, time will tell. Maybe some day soon, my break will come.

I'm not standing on my head waiting for little tadpoles to swim towards my eggs (that is assuming I still have eggs), I am not swinging from the rafters whooping and hollering, hoping to get pregnant. Most days it doesn't cross my mind. Most days sleep ( a really good nap ) crosses my mind. But the thought of putting the effort into ttc doesn't even appeal to me right now. Maybe the thought was never there to start with. Do I want to be a Mom? Yes, most definitely but will it ever happen? I don't know and I don't have the energy to put into that thought these days anyhow.

So, where am I going with this? I'm not sure! This started as my online journal, to keep my feeling in tow and know that I wasn't alone in some of the crazy thoughts I had...I think I'll stick with that. It is still my journal and if someone wants to use it against me then you know what go right ahead. These are my thoughts, this is my space and I'm still learning how to live MY life.

Life, it's like a box of choc.olates!

You never know what you will get until you take a bite.

Since being "asked" (read, kicked out of, that's how I feel about it)to leave support group, I have actually accomplished a whole lot more than I thought I would. Have I gone to another group? No, I have turned to Shan, which is who I should have been talking to first anyway! He's been incredibly supportive and since his grief train has just started coming around the bend we've been able to help one another. Grief takes a break and then comes back with avengence...she's cruel and evil! I have been working a lot and staying busy which is a very good thing.

The big guy ended up in the hospital about a month ago, we almost lost him...phone call at 2 am said, "you need to come back, they aren't sure he's going to make it." He made it, he's grumpy and home now, but most of all he's alive! Cancer is an evil disease, kind of like grief, cancer too takes a break and then comes back with avengence! Trying to get into clinical trials is no easy task...the news reports on something and you can't get a trial with the same drug ANYWHERE! I have searched everywhere! It wears me out and makes me sad and yes it angers me!

We attended our 1st Ste.am show of the season and it was wonderful...hot yes, but so much fun to be with great friends who just plain understand life! Now it's of to Io.wa for the holiday! Excited to see our fabulous family and eat spectacular chicken at our favorite place in south.east Io.wa!

I would love to talk about what else I've been up to but know that some people use my blog to attack and hurt me, I cannot talk about all I have been doing here. I so wish I could share with you all because it's what I love and what I'm good at but some(you know who you are, since I'm sure you are still reading to see if I talk about you!) just don't have the security in themselves to read this and leave me be!

Wow, yes, I sound bitter and I guess a bit of me is... well, maybe a lot of me!

Stuff

So, I haven't been blogging much, I haven't had the time, or well the energy! This is how lazy I've been, last week I ran out of sugar of which I use every morning for my coffee. I go to the store once a day or at the least every other day, I kept forgetting it so I used the chocolate coffee syrup, when it was gone I used the vanilla coffee syrup, I used all of it. Then I turned to the cosmopolitan sugar I had in the liqour cabinet, you know the pink colored sugar you put on the rim of a cosmo glass?! Yes, I had pinkish colored coffee for about a week. Shan looked at the sugar and said, "what the hell is that?" to which I replied, " I keep forgetting sugar and this is all I have, you know, I like my coffee polluted!" "Ewww, gross, that's disgusting!" he said. So, yes, lazy I am but now I have sugar, the real thing and all is good, well at least where the coffee is concerned!

It is 96.8 degrees today with a heat index of 105 NO I DO NOT live in ARIZONA or the desert! It is flippin' hot! You can hardly step outside for more than 2 seconds without breaking a sweat! Fat girls don't like heat! It's not like I can put on a bikini and lounge outside...that would scare even me not to mention the drivers on the highway out front of my house! I can only imagine the accidents it would cause!

Shan and I went to the grocery store the other day, 87 degrees with the heat index of 100 and parked next to us was a car with an elderly, hairy, beautiful dog. The windows were up. We proceeded to do our shopping, when we returned 20 minutes later said vehicle with dog was still there. I was angry now...Shan went back in the store and told the officer (you know the one they hire to stand around and look good!) about the dog. I was contemplating breaking a window, I know better but still. Dog vs. Heat not good! Officer came out and wrote down license plate and went back in to have it announced over head...Shan wanted to unload groceries so we came home...he was afraid he'd unload on them! We rushed to unload groceries and jumped back in the car to go make sure the dog wasn't still there. No dog, no car but really how dumb are people? I want to tell them, "why don't you sit your ass in the car with no air, no water, and the windows up for as long as you left your pet!" How do you think that would make them feel?

Some days are just like this, you have to vent and such!

Father's Day went well for Shan, although for me not so good! Shan decided that since it was Father's Day I HAD to do everything for him! Such is life! At least he enjoyed his day!

No good way to wrap this up so off to a steam show I go this weekend and hope the heat doesn't off me!

It's been a long strange trip...

well not exactly but it sounds good anyhow! I'm completely out of the loop here in blogland and I apologize tremendously for that. I have plenty of excuses but will only use the pertinent one to explain! WORK is busy and scary all at once! We have been busy and working on policies is kind of scary...it's keeping me going in all directions!

On the grief front, she (grief) seems to have decided to take a vacation! We had a couple of interesting weeks where Wayne was in hospital and not doing to well but, he is since home and doing good! He's alive and that's what matters most, at least to me! I'm selfish that way!

We are gearing up for steam show season and will be hitting the road weekend after next to go to our 1st show of the season with the steam engine! It's going to be HOTTTTT and muggy or it'll rain like the monsoons hit the plain states...we'll see what happens, anyhow, it's a chance to get away from responsibilities and act like a child again myself! It'll be the 1st time since losing William that I will feel like this is a vacation and not a chore! I kinda frighten myself with how excited I am about it!

Most everything is going well here except of course the economy but hey, that's hitting everyone, everywhere! One day it will all turn around and we'll all be better people for it all!

Do hope that this finds everyone well and I will be posting again soon, I promise! Next time it won't be so mundane, I don't think!