Where to go from here? ... Life without William Henry.

For my love, William

2011-06-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

Mommy is sorry, I have been distant these days. I have to focus on your sister, help her grow and thrive here on Earth. I know you are helping too and I apologize for not writing or talking to you much these days. Please know you are never far from my thoughts or your those of your Daddy. With Danielle here we think of you more. We now know what we missed by you not making it here. I love you and promise to keep in touch more! More than the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, Mommy

2011-06-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day 2011
Mommy and Baby Danielle! Born in January...happy, healthy and yes, we are blessed!

Welcome home...

2011-03-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

Wanted to let those of you know who check in here, we have a beautiful daughter!
Danielle was born 1/13/2011...SCREAMING! Yes, screaming! Best sound in the world! We are adjusting to parenthood here on earth and still missing William everyday! We are petrified and happy all at the same time. Sorry it took so long to let you know...I hope everyone is well! :)

3 long years

2010-12-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

My Dearest William,

It's been 3 long years without you. I miss you more than words can say and yet, I feel you with me everyday.
I know you are watching out for the little one growing inside of me now and I know you will help this child make it here safely. It's not going to ease my pain. You will always be my first born!
In 2 days it's your Birthday, the family is gathering as we always do, we will have cupcakes this year because what's a celebration of you without cake? Of course, it's what your Daddy wants too!
I have a feeling this Birthday of yours is going to be a different feeling for me this year. I'll be sure to tell you all about it when I talk to you on your day!
More than the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you!

19 weeks 4 days

2010-09-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

Still freaking out...probably will be until the day this baby makes it here...positive thoughts bring positive things...happy thoughts only.
Thank you all for the well wishes still being very guarded and very, very scared! I am now the crazy doppler mom...2-3 times a day! urgh!

17weeks...

2010-08-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

5 days...scared to death and trying not to show it!

For me to remember:

2010-05-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

1/24/2011
171 Monday
350 Wednesday
561 Friday
3545 Tuesday 5/25/2010

Moving back to my old digs...

2010-02-15T06:16:00.000-08:00

I am moving, in a blog sense that is! William's blog will not be lost forever but life takes strange twists and turns and what I have to say doesn't belong on William's blog!

You can find me here if you are so interested:
Life in Misery...Oops, Missouri!

Hope you all are well and hope to read you soon

Happy Birthday!

2009-12-13T17:52:00.001-08:00

So, you'd be 2 today! Your Grammi, Aunt, Uncles, cousins, & Godparents came to celebrate you with us! Grandpa Wayne couldn't be here today as he's in hospital and Grandpa B, came by earlier bringing you a gift! You have a stuffed Stingray now, and man is it cute! ! Grammi brought your ornament...some Mittens, they are so little and cute and were wrapped in sun, moon, and stars, tissue paper! We had pizza, as per our usual and cup cakes...the kids and women, sang happy birthday and the kids blew out your candles. The kids turned on the lights, inside and out and they will be on now until after the new year! We had a good time, weird to say but true! There is a sense of peace that comes about on your birthday! I know you are alright!

Happy Birthday our little one! We love you, more than the sun, the moon and the stars!

Dearest William,

2009-12-07T18:07:00.000-08:00

Twenty-four months, it's an unforgiving amount of time. In three short days it'll be two years since I found out that your heart stopped. In six days it'll be two years since I held you. This year has been full of obstacles the greatest for me is the fact that you are not here with us. I really don't have words to describe my feelings this year. I am upset because I haven't yet decided what to do for your birthday. I want to do something but it seems that November and December suck for our families anymore, we have all sorts of bad that happens and it all happens around your season. Your season being the start of the holiday season, you know Halloween! That kicks it off, your costumes that Grandpa Wayne got you hang in the closet awaiting me to do something with them, I look at them and cry...you will never fill them. Then we have Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for a lot but I am hard pressed to be joyous about too much! Then we have St. Lucia Day (not celebrated in the US but in Sweden which is a huge part of your heritage) St. Lucia Day is your day, you are a child of light! Although in Sweden the child of light is a girl...I choose to believe that it can be you! You were born onto this earth on the very day it's celebrated! So, once again, as my thoughts go back in time, I think once again I'll have the kids over we'll light up the house with the Christmas lights and have some cake. Hopefully, I can get the energy to clean the house...but if not, it'll be family anyhow! Kiddo, I love you, I miss you more than words can say and I love you more than the sun, the moon and the stars.
With all of my heart,
Your Mommy

Hmm

2009-08-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

I think I've said it before...the things that make you go, hmmm!

Life has a way of throwing it's curveball when you least expect it!
The big guys doctor told him yesterday that he gives him six months to a year to live. To me that means the doctor is a MORON! Really, even if pushed do you tell anyone that? Hell, I could be hit by a MAC truck today and well, there's the end of my life! What if a doctor told me I had six to twelve months to live? I'd probably say well so do you! Watch your back doc...you never know! No, I'm not threatening anyone...I'm just saying no one knows when their last day will be...not in advance! If they do well then they are psychic or well in my eyes strange!

Shans brother is moving in with us...yes, I will have 3 children(grown men who think the world revolves around them!), none whom I have birthed and all over the age of 45 living with me! Yeah! Can't freakin' wait! I'm resolved not to let this ruin my life! If anything, it will make me stronger along with my relationships!

Other than that, really nothing new on this front. I stopped tracking my cycles as really it was just too much energy to expend and too stressful. When was my last period? Um, well, I'm not sure! Sometime last month! I kind of like not knowing! It eases a lot of "maybes." Then again it has me thinking...when was my last cycle? Oh, hell, it doesn't really matter does it?! I'm not a binge drinker, I've been taking better care of me and I've lost 12 pounds...that is a plus in my book of life!

So, dear friends, how are you and what have I missed?

Time

2009-07-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, a long while since I stopped and had a good cry...truly mourning my son. I read a blog tonight, it broke my heart. For the first time in a long time I had to step outside to have a good cry. I feel cut to the core again. The knife is back and it's stabbing and twisting and aching.
No, it's not the post itself that did this, it was one phrase, "so that he does not die again," It made my heart ache. It made my brain and heart jump back in time. My heart aches for all of us who have this thought. We try so hard to keep our little ones alive in our hearts, minds, spirits, and every day life. Sometimes I, myself forget that I'm not the only one living this life (yes, even though you all are in my computer and I've met some families in real life) the one where the child didn't make it out alive and I have to pretend like I'm alright. Sometimes I still feel so alone and yet, for a long time I haven't thought about any of it. I had to go outside to apologize to my son. I am sorry that I have been moving forward without looking back. I am sorry that I didn't take the time everyday to mother him the way he deserves. I am sorry that I haven't been in blogland where I can honor him, remember him, and share him with the rest of the world.
I am sorry that any of us have to live in this land of make-believe. Don't I wish that were all it were, make-believe. I'm going to revert to my sad phase of grief again, it somehow seems a bit healing. Then I'm sure anger will kick in but acceptance can still kiss my ass! That text book shit is for just that, a text book!
Tomorrow is another day and maybe the knife will stop twisiting in the morning, then again maybe not...tomorrow is a new day.
In the meantime, if anyone can think of a way for Carly to keep doing her site...please link to her post and send her a message. If there is one thing I hold onto it's the picture she took of William's name in the sand. Her Christian's spirit inspired her and lives on in that photo I have in my office. I don't want to see her dream go down this way...I want her dreams to move on ward and upward!

Eloquent

2009-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

I am not. I do not have fabulous writing skills. I write like I think and like I speak. My thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. Puncuation...what's that? I loved E.ngli.sh classes growing up but I didn't pay much attention to any of it but the reading part.

I had hoped to keep up with this blog to remember William some more. Truth is, I don't need the blog to remember. Amongst all of the things I have around my house, the things I wear, My necklace with his ashes, the mother and child necklace, the ring with his birth stone and the ankle braclet a dear friend made for me with a bell that symbolizes William, I have all of the reminders I need. What I do miss from blogging is the support that I have received since I started this thing.

I am reminded a lot that "no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to!" So, I am not feeling inferior. I just don't know where to go from here...like the title says.

I feel as though I have made a lot of forward progress, if that's what we want to call it. I have done a lot to make my world a better place since losing William. Of course, somedays it still feels like a nightmare. You know, the never ending one that repeats day after day?! The one that you thought you had but can't really remember after waking up.

I don't know if blogland is where I'm supposed to be these days or if I should just try to live in the RE.AL world. Whatever that may be these days. I have no answers, no sage words of ass.vice for others or any true thoughts except for "I'm sorry," "I'm thinking of you," "or wishing you peace." You know what even those get old whe you type them too much. It's like the broken record on my turn table, it skips over and over and over again.

I miss my kid, I still get queasy when family and friends announce they are pregnant, my only thought for them is, " I hope you don't have to go thru what we've all been thru." Then the jeaoulsy still kicks in, why them, why NOT me? Will I ever get my break? I guess, time will tell. Maybe some day soon, my break will come.

I'm not standing on my head waiting for little tadpoles to swim towards my eggs (that is assuming I still have eggs), I am not swinging from the rafters whooping and hollering, hoping to get pregnant. Most days it doesn't cross my mind. Most days sleep ( a really good nap ) crosses my mind. But the thought of putting the effort into ttc doesn't even appeal to me right now. Maybe the thought was never there to start with. Do I want to be a Mom? Yes, most definitely but will it ever happen? I don't know and I don't have the energy to put into that thought these days anyhow.

So, where am I going with this? I'm not sure! This started as my online journal, to keep my feeling in tow and know that I wasn't alone in some of the crazy thoughts I had...I think I'll stick with that. It is still my journal and if someone wants to use it against me then you know what go right ahead. These are my thoughts, this is my space and I'm still learning how to live MY life.

Life, it's like a box of choc.olates!

2009-07-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

You never know what you will get until you take a bite.

Since being "asked" (read, kicked out of, that's how I feel about it)to leave support group, I have actually accomplished a whole lot more than I thought I would. Have I gone to another group? No, I have turned to Shan, which is who I should have been talking to first anyway! He's been incredibly supportive and since his grief train has just started coming around the bend we've been able to help one another. Grief takes a break and then comes back with avengence...she's cruel and evil! I have been working a lot and staying busy which is a very good thing.

The big guy ended up in the hospital about a month ago, we almost lost him...phone call at 2 am said, "you need to come back, they aren't sure he's going to make it." He made it, he's grumpy and home now, but most of all he's alive! Cancer is an evil disease, kind of like grief, cancer too takes a break and then comes back with avengence! Trying to get into clinical trials is no easy task...the news reports on something and you can't get a trial with the same drug ANYWHERE! I have searched everywhere! It wears me out and makes me sad and yes it angers me!

We attended our 1st Ste.am show of the season and it was wonderful...hot yes, but so much fun to be with great friends who just plain understand life! Now it's of to Io.wa for the holiday! Excited to see our fabulous family and eat spectacular chicken at our favorite place in south.east Io.wa!

I would love to talk about what else I've been up to but know that some people use my blog to attack and hurt me, I cannot talk about all I have been doing here. I so wish I could share with you all because it's what I love and what I'm good at but some(you know who you are, since I'm sure you are still reading to see if I talk about you!) just don't have the security in themselves to read this and leave me be!

Wow, yes, I sound bitter and I guess a bit of me is... well, maybe a lot of me!

Stuff

2009-06-23T11:20:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't been blogging much, I haven't had the time, or well the energy! This is how lazy I've been, last week I ran out of sugar of which I use every morning for my coffee. I go to the store once a day or at the least every other day, I kept forgetting it so I used the chocolate coffee syrup, when it was gone I used the vanilla coffee syrup, I used all of it. Then I turned to the cosmopolitan sugar I had in the liqour cabinet, you know the pink colored sugar you put on the rim of a cosmo glass?! Yes, I had pinkish colored coffee for about a week. Shan looked at the sugar and said, "what the hell is that?" to which I replied, " I keep forgetting sugar and this is all I have, you know, I like my coffee polluted!" "Ewww, gross, that's disgusting!" he said. So, yes, lazy I am but now I have sugar, the real thing and all is good, well at least where the coffee is concerned!

It is 96.8 degrees today with a heat index of 105 NO I DO NOT live in ARIZONA or the desert! It is flippin' hot! You can hardly step outside for more than 2 seconds without breaking a sweat! Fat girls don't like heat! It's not like I can put on a bikini and lounge outside...that would scare even me not to mention the drivers on the highway out front of my house! I can only imagine the accidents it would cause!

Shan and I went to the grocery store the other day, 87 degrees with the heat index of 100 and parked next to us was a car with an elderly, hairy, beautiful dog. The windows were up. We proceeded to do our shopping, when we returned 20 minutes later said vehicle with dog was still there. I was angry now...Shan went back in the store and told the officer (you know the one they hire to stand around and look good!) about the dog. I was contemplating breaking a window, I know better but still. Dog vs. Heat not good! Officer came out and wrote down license plate and went back in to have it announced over head...Shan wanted to unload groceries so we came home...he was afraid he'd unload on them! We rushed to unload groceries and jumped back in the car to go make sure the dog wasn't still there. No dog, no car but really how dumb are people? I want to tell them, "why don't you sit your ass in the car with no air, no water, and the windows up for as long as you left your pet!" How do you think that would make them feel?

Some days are just like this, you have to vent and such!

Father's Day went well for Shan, although for me not so good! Shan decided that since it was Father's Day I HAD to do everything for him! Such is life! At least he enjoyed his day!

No good way to wrap this up so off to a steam show I go this weekend and hope the heat doesn't off me!

It's been a long strange trip...

2009-06-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

well not exactly but it sounds good anyhow! I'm completely out of the loop here in blogland and I apologize tremendously for that. I have plenty of excuses but will only use the pertinent one to explain! WORK is busy and scary all at once! We have been busy and working on policies is kind of scary...it's keeping me going in all directions!

On the grief front, she (grief) seems to have decided to take a vacation! We had a couple of interesting weeks where Wayne was in hospital and not doing to well but, he is since home and doing good! He's alive and that's what matters most, at least to me! I'm selfish that way!

We are gearing up for steam show season and will be hitting the road weekend after next to go to our 1st show of the season with the steam engine! It's going to be HOTTTTT and muggy or it'll rain like the monsoons hit the plain states...we'll see what happens, anyhow, it's a chance to get away from responsibilities and act like a child again myself! It'll be the 1st time since losing William that I will feel like this is a vacation and not a chore! I kinda frighten myself with how excited I am about it!

Most everything is going well here except of course the economy but hey, that's hitting everyone, everywhere! One day it will all turn around and we'll all be better people for it all!

Do hope that this finds everyone well and I will be posting again soon, I promise! Next time it won't be so mundane, I don't think!

I'm NOT going to hide...

2009-05-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

They've seen what they want...they used what they wanted and you know what...this is MY space! I need the support still! Grief doesn't just miraculously disappear one day...it lingers. On top of that, I didn't get the chance to wish ALL of my blog friends, Happy Mother's Day and I needed support yesterday too! Blah! So, posts will be short and right now, life is alright but I will be posting more soon!

DC

2009-03-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

I’m home! The Symposium was in one word, SPECTACULAR! Sunday, we got in at 12:30 to Baltimore and to the hotel by 2:00 in the afternoon. Then we were up all night going to the monuments and enjoying the sights. We got to bed about 1:00 in the morning. Monday, we didn’t have anything until 1:00pm and thought; we could make it to the Lincoln Memorial and somewhere else and still get back in time for our Peer Support training. WRONG! The closest metro stops to the Lincoln Memorial are about two and a half miles (the one we took to get there!) and one and a half miles (the one we took to get to the hotel!) To say the least it took us two hours round trip to get to and from the Lincoln Memorial! ARGH! Support training with Sherokee Isle was very informative and interesting, it reaffirmed my feelings on peer support! It’s needed and nothing compares to someone who’s been there, done that!
Tuesday was the Symposium, it started in the morning we had three speakers and a lot of information on Cord “accidents”, Cord placement, and testing that Mom’s should get. We also had a speaker from the pathology side of things and how we need to train more coroners on how to appropriately do an autopsy so that more things can be found instead of giving parents, unexplained diagnoses. Dr. Jason Collins, my new love shared with us all of his information on how so many of these Stillborn children could and should have been saved. He has a website and I can tell you, should I be blessed enough to get pregnant again, at 28 weeks, I’ll be going to Louisiana to become his patient. Where William was concerned he (Dr. Collins) could not have helped me but maybe in the future I will have the chance for him to help me! Possibly, Dr. Ruth Fretts can help me also! She was another OBGYN there that spoke very eloquently of other things that other physicians do not share with us…um, FOLIC ACID is a MUST and WATER, WATER, WATER…. drink it and pee clear would you, please!
The afternoon session started out with my new dear friend, Suzanne Pullen and her video on her son Avery, who was born still at 24 weeks. Her talk ended with her video of her son Quinn, her subsequent pregnancy, whom Dr. Collins ensured made it earth side. Quinn’s birthday…December 13, 2006…one year to the day prior toWilliam coming to earth still. To be honest I was crying so hard I blocked some of the other information coming in after Suzanne! There is so much information, I have the slides and will have everything tidied up in about a week. We had a Memorial Service for our babies, we held hands, and we cried, we giggled, we loved!
At dinner we had two incredible Moms’, one of which brought her child to the world a bit early do to using Kick Counts. Had it not been for counting kicks and recognizing her child’s movements her baby would not have made it earth side. However, she used a kick counter and got to the hospital, she was able to deliver earlier than planned and her baby made it earth side. Our other speaker, another bereaved mom who is incredibly courageous, got up and told us why co-sleeping is NOT good! Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with William in my arms, now I know, that will not happen…a crib next to the bed…that’s fine…someone else around when I am tired…that will happen. Lisa, fell asleep with her son on the couch and she rolled on top of him. She suffocated him. YES, it WAS an accident…now she goes around the country telling parents of safer sleeping habits with your child. So, now, here is my plea…PLEASE PUT THE CRIB NEXT TO YOUR BED, GET A HALO BLANKET AND USE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR CRIB BUT A CRIB SHEET!! I WANT ALL OF YOUR BABIES TO LIVE LONG, HAPPY, HEALTHY LIVES! I don’t want anyone to feel the pain my new friend Lisa feels.
To say the least this was yet another late night and a very emotional day…which ended in going to sleep late and having to get up early again on Wednesday. Wednesday was our day on the hill. What a beautiful site! So, many people and we were there on the same day that our President was there doing Appropriations meetings! No, regretfully we didn’t see him but we did see the secret service agents, and all of the security (um, sub machine guns!) It’s kind of scary but fun too! We saw Senator Kerry and got a picture of him. We also saw the Kansas Legislator, Dennis Moore (we had a meeting with him); we have pictures of us with him. There’s a lot of walking involved when you lobby, it’s truly not for me. I enjoyed it all very much. I would do it all again but I’ve learned my lesson, I need sleep! I need to go to bed at a decent time and then catch up on all of the interesting stuff the next day! Wednesday night at dinner I learned that we got our Republican, lead sponsor for the bill we were pushing. To me that sounds like we won’t have a problem getting it passed this year! All of our hard work paid off! We all pushed our reps and we all put a lot of walking and work into getting this pushed through! WE all did it!
To my new friends, thank you! It is an honor and I am proud to have met you and call you my friend! You all here, my blog friends, my new friends from DC, all of my friends who have stuck by me, you are all my gifts that William has sent to me. So, Thank you all for allowing our children to connect us in a way that may not have happened without them. Much love to each and every one of you and your families!

Bright Sunny days bring...

2009-03-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

Dark memories. I woke up yesterday, went outside with the dog and started reliving delivery. The weather was warm, I was in my pj's and I was just sitting there. "I can't do this" rang through my head. The feelings, the contractions, the fear all came rushing back. Yesterday was no special date, it was no special time of the year, well maybe it was. Who knows what would have been. Maybe, just maybe if William would have stayed with us I would have delivered him yesterday. His due date was the 29th of this month but I always felt like he'd come early. Just not that early. Maybe my impending trip is what brings about the resurfacing of all of those days.
I leave in five days for DC. I will be attending support group training, I will listen to lectures and statistics and what to do's and what not to do's. I will be surrounded by health care proffesionals, some who may be cold. My job, to lighten their hearts to the likes of me, to the likes of us, who have lost our children. My other job, to try to get my legislators to pass some bills that pertain to stillbirth. Maybe, just maybe the stress of all of this is bringing about the bad memories. I want the good ones, the one where I felt him move, the ones where I held him, slept and woke up to him being there, no one took him from me, he was still there. I don't want the delivery, the moments where he wasn't with me, the one when I left him behind, or when I picked up his ashes and brought him home in a bag.
This is the grief roller coaster and I am on a down swing. Hopefully, it will come to pass by this weekend. Hopefully, I can hold myself together long enough to get through the symposium. Hopefully, I can talk about my son and smile.

Desiderata

2009-03-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Last Call..Memorial album

2009-03-02T04:26:00.000-08:00

I received this today:

Hello all,
We are closing reaching the deadline for submitting information, pictures, etc. that we will put in our Baby Memorial Album (March 10, 2009).
We would love to have you join us. Whether you are able to participate yourself or not, we could use your help..... can you please forward this to others, post on other facebook groups, or weblinks? This is such a lovely opportunity and a chance to really help make a difference. Every baby matters and we want to show Congress that all over the world - there are parents who will always remember and always love their babies. They were real and need to be counted (we don't yet have standardization in reporting). AND we need money to support research for prevention of such tragedies.
Thank you for participating and/or sharing with others.
www.firstcandle.org/our-babies/
Best wishes,
Sherokee Ilse
sherokeeilse@yahoo.com
--------------------

Memorial Album

2009-02-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

Help put a face to our love and loss, First Candle, is creating a memorial album for us to take to our legislators when we attend the symposium. The link above will explain. This is for all perinatal bereavement parents.

Dear Parents of stillborn children,

2009-02-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Would you please click on THIS to take a survey?

The survey is being conducted by 1st Breath.

Thank you in advance for your consideration!

BTW, Thank you so very much for all of the jokes and kind thoughts...I appreciate them all and had a few good laughs to boot! Also, I promise to catch up on blogs sometime in the near future...I promise!

Is there anybody out there??

2009-01-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

Have you been reading and NOT commenting? If so, would you do me the kind favor of just saying "hi"? I'd like to know who you are what your story is. I'd like to be able to give you the support that you so deserve.

So, if you are out there...delurk, write a comment, just say "hi!" and let me know you exist.

I don't write comments too often, I don't feel too compelled to post a lot either but I would like to read your story and offer what I can to you!

Have a fun time going around and telling us all that you read us...it is after all time for you to come out of the wood work!

2009-01-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

Playwright Eugene Ionesco said, "Ideology separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."

I've always liked quotes from others...I usually find a few a week that I write down and mull over. I have a show I watch Cri.minal Mi.nds,it's a show that is probably not good for my brain but for some reason, the evil must be watched! Anyhow, at the beginning and the end of this show someone reads a quote. Lately, I have found in watching re-runs and even new shows that their quotes are amazing. So, I snagged the one above...as I snagged the one the other day. Quotes give us all something to think about.

Isn't the quote above oh, so true...the Dreams and Anguish I feel sure have brought me to feel closer to all of you...my anguish brought me to blogland and my dreams keep me here. I dream for all of us, not just myself!

There is another quote that rings in my head, day after day, I read it on a church board a LONG time ago...I keep it tucked deep within my soul and on occasion I speak it to remember, "The best things in life, are not things." That's right, my best things are my friends (you all included here!), my family, my pets, my memories. Hmm, do you consider those things? I don't!

Can you tell me what your dreams are? Are they more than the usual we all have here?What are the best things in your life?

A million thank you's

2009-01-12T11:54:00.001-08:00

Katie, thank you for posting my Memorial Monday...you are an amazing woman!

Katie does Memorial Monday's and has posted one for William and I. She has a heart of gold and I am grateful to call her my friend! Please go check Katie out today (a shameless plug for you to read today's Memorial Monday!)and everyday!

There are not words...

2009-01-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

I am so thrilled to say Congratulations to you, Janis! Congratulations and Welcome to the world little one!

Please go Welcome the new one to the world over at Ferdinand's Gifts

Again, there are not enough words in this world to say how happy I am for you!

A thought...sort of...

2009-01-11T09:17:00.000-08:00

Wendell Berry said, "The past is our definition. We may strive with good reason to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it. But we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

My truth is I don't want to escape my past. I do however want to add something better to my life.

Tell me do you want to escape your past?

Airplanes and such

2009-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'll be leaving on an airplane at the end of March. I'll be going to Washington D.C.
I've been invited to attend SIDS/SUID and Stillbirth-A National Research and Advocacy Symposium. There will be a speaker there who believes that a lot of the research for all of us that has been done up to this point is virtually unusable because of the restrictive participation of the parents. I hope he shakes it all up and they push for more participation of the parents that walk our shoes. As I am sure you can guess, I am beyond excited and can't wait for March to get here!

All in all things are going alright here. I will be attending my support group tonight which will be very good for me. I haven't been in over three months. I am as sick as it is to say looking forward to going. It doesn't make me feel much better but it does make me feel less alone. Those in real life meetings really help!

Hoping the New Year is bringing you all what you hoped for or at the very least bringing you some peace.

To a better 2009

2008-12-31T07:01:00.000-08:00

I'll raise a glass of something (beer, eggnog, wine, water) to us all tonight. Albeit before midnight. I'm hoping for a better 2009 for all of us.

This last year I was mired in my grief. I didn't do anything to help myself physically. I gained weight while I was pregnant and I kept in on after I lost William. I plan on losing weight this year. Is that a resolution? No, it's a promise I'd like to keep to myself. I started smoking again after I lost William. I'd like to promise myself that I will quit that nasty habit too. So what are my resolutions? I can't say that I truly have any. Maybe one could or should be that I resolve to clean my house every week. I resolve to organize my life. Ok, so that's 2. Maybe those are the two that I know I can stick to. I would like to resolve to be a kinder person, one who cares more about others than myself. To be honest, there's a part of me who wants to care more about me than anyone else. I can't say that I have ever done that one for myself.

I'm co-dependent, others problems are so much easier for me...they don't affect me directly and I can say a lot of things to help others. I never, well, almost never take my own advice. Maybe I should learn to do that this next year.

So, instead of resolutions tonight I will make wishes. I have a lot of wishes for 2009. I'll start the list here and now. Maybe by writing it down, I will feel like they may very well be granted.

Wish List for 2009
1. To find peace
2. For all of us to have happy, healthy lives and babies (happy, healthy ones)in this coming year!
3. For someone to find a cure for ALL cancers!
4. For us all to live long lives plus see number 2!
5. To reconnect with family and friends that I have pushed away in the last year.
6. To spend more time with my Gram!
7. For world peace!(Yes, that sounds like a Play.boy Play.mate answer but it's true!)
8. For Shan and I to get married.
9. For a couple of vacations this year (Didn't take a single one last year and really need a couple this year!)
10. To pay off all debt...yes this would require winning the Powe.rba.ll but hey, a girl can dream and this is a wish list!

So, tell me what are your resolutions or your wishes for 2009?

ETA: I edited this for the stupid spelling errors I made! Sorry!

Post three of three with explanation!

2008-12-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Now my order may be all messed up but, I'm sure you can get the idea! Brent wrote a wonderful letter to go with his balloon, Libby drew pictures and you see the front of the invite and the balloons before release in post 1. Post two contains Becky's letter(heartfelt and heart touching, not aching), a snowflake that Grammi sent to William (one that she made), Shan and the kids walking to release the balloons, the balloons released and the piece of cake that we have for William! Post 3, this post contains, a picture my sister and her husband gave us, the t-shirt Brent made for me with a hawk on it and Williams name, and the tree with the lights on.

I neglected to get pictures of all of our outside lights last night. To be honest, I was exhausted! The day went off without a hitch and William's Godparents even came over to join us for the entire celebration. Shan and I were both pleased with all that went on. Yes, I sent a letter to heaven from Shan and I but that one we'll keep to ourselves.

Thank you all for all of your support and well wishes and Birthday wishes to William. I just know he heard you all!

Post two of three in pictures

2008-12-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

Post one of three in letters and pictures

2008-12-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, William!

2008-12-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

Mommy and Daddy love you and hope you are jumping on clouds, laughing and playing!

Thank you for waking me up at 4:14 am today, I know you came by to say hello, I appreciate that. I woke up in tears because you are not here physically but I do feel you with me today.

You have so many caring loving people here on earth that miss you. They have all done such wonderful things for you on this day, and for us too. T., Shaina and Peter all released balloons for you this morning. Grammi made a donation to March of Dimes. Shaina and Peter donated a toy to Toys for Tots in honor of you. Jodi wrote you a Happy Birthday email and sent her thoughts to Mommy and Daddy.

Later today, Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Pappa, Aunt B., Uncle M., B and L., Grandpa Wayne, Aunt Tracy and Uncle Jas will be releasing balloons to heaven for you. Grandpa B and Angie will release balloons in the Caymans for you today also. Mommy is working on cleaning the house and finishing up your cake.

It's been a rough day but with all of the love and support from friends and family I know we will all get through it. We love you and miss you little one.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet baby boy!

(I will post pictures of everything later this weekend. Our Christmas lights will go on outside and on the tree inside this evening after dark. We will be releasing balloons around 4:30 our time. Please join us in thought as we have our cake this evening. Thank you all for all of your support!)

Today, I am.

2008-12-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

I am surprised that I am still here. Grateful yes, to have found you all, to still be standing to honor my little man.

Today is the day I found out our sweet William's heart stopped. The regular appointment that was supposed to tell me that all was well. It obviously didn't go that well. I remember the day all to well. It had started snowing, the weather was supposed to get bad and Shan was going to have to go into work again. I told him I would be fine, the appointment was just a check up and I would be fine.

The technician's in the office couldn't find his heart beat on the doppler. I remember one of them walking me down the hall to the ultrasound room. "Your last loss, was it early?" "Yes, very, like seven weeks," I said. Not thinking anything of it, I continued walking. I got into the room and it hit me, what is going on I thought. The ultrasound tech said, "what can I do for you?" "Find him, just find my son, please, please, please. " To no avail, William was there indeed but his heart had stopped.

I called Shan, sobbing, " I lost him, I don't know what happened, I lost him, our son, he's gone, his heart.stopped." Shan stayed home until I got home. I fell into his arms saying I am so sorry over and over again. He waited until Wayne got home, Wayne came in and looked at me, tears in his eyes, asking what had happened. "I don't know, I don't understand," is all I could say. I fell into bed and stayed for two days until Shan could make it home.

We are planning a celebration for William's Birthday, December 13th. A celebration of the short yet very important life he led inside of me. I promise to fill you all in once I get to that day.

I miss you little one, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and get you here safely. I'm so sorry.

More than the sun, the moon, and the stars, I love you and miss you.

Give me a break!

2008-12-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

No, not only do I get the stress er, um, sadness of dealing with the loss of William. I am dealing with being semi-crippled and Wayne, stars chemo Monday. Yeah for me! I want a place like THIS to go to! Anyone know of a place in my area as I can't afford to go to Cali right now! Actually, I'd like to open one of my own!

Yes, this all sucks but many things we can get through with a little help from our friends, I will be leaning on you all a lot more coming up here soon! In advance, thank you for your support and ears, well, eyes!

Mixed emotions.

2008-12-03T06:44:00.001-08:00

For William’s first birthday we have decided to make it a celebration and we have a new way to honor our son. Being as it’s the Christmas season and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it pass us by, our new tradition will be to flip the switch on our Christmas lights on his birthday.
Today I am working on my invitations for his birthday. We are inviting only our family. The kids (My niece and nephew) will join us. We are going to release some balloons and then have pizza for dinner, what else would you serve kids?! Then, when it gets dark we’ll flip the switch on the Christmas lights and wish our son a happy birthday.
It’s going to be a rough week. I know this I’m not prepared! I don’t think you can be prepared for the flood of emotion that comes your way. This week started out in a rough manner. It’s the last couple of weeks that I will be able to say, “this time last year, I was happy. I knew not of the terror that was coming my way. Our son was still with us.” This time last year I was looking forward to the gifts we’d receive for William. Even though he wasn’t going to be here yet, I knew some people were getting us things for him. Christmas last year was hard. I tried, I tried to be upbeat, but I was still in shock that we’d lost William.
I broke down last night, I want to be happy, and I’m tired of being mired down in grief. Yet in the same respects, I am feeling a sense of peace. I know and feel that William is in heaven. He has a lot of friends and family to keep him safe and warm and I know he knows how much we love him and miss him. The peace I feel also comes from the fact that I am still here, almost a year after losing our beautiful boy, I am still here. I get up, I do things, and I even on occasion feel alive. I owe all of this to my family and friends.
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Yesterday, my friend S. called, she wanted me to write down a license plate number of a car that was scaring her as she was walking. I did, I stayed on the phone with her and she said, there’s a hawk that’s following us also. I just started giggling; I knew she’d be fine, the hawk, the hawk, was William, watching after my dear friend. I told her she’d be fine, I told her the hawk was William! She told me to tell him to stop scaring the s*** out of her. I laughed more, I have no control, he does what he pleases and he was looking out for her!
I shared this story with my Mom and as soon as I said hawk, her voice quivered and she said, “She was fine, William was there!” Yes, indeed he was!

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Tomorrow night is the candle lighting for my support group. My friend T., will be there with her new baby, Drew (a girl!). I will ask to hold her, she will be the first baby I will hold since holding my tiny perfect son in my arms just shy of a year ago. It will be hard for me, and for her, but she understands my anxiety and joy mixed together. I can't wait to meet Drew, to hold her and hear her and smell her. Wish me luck, please, I don't want to freak out!
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I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your posts, I’m in my own world this week and next, I hope to have some more energy to read and write to you all. I wish you all the best of holidays you can possibly have but most of all I wish you PEACE and LOVE!

Thanks for...

2008-12-01T15:01:00.000-08:00

EVERYTHING, for being my family and my friends. Yes, family can be friends too! This is for my Mom and my Sis. We truly do enjoy each others company and it was well reinforced a couple of weekends ago.

My sister, had scheduled with us a weekend away from our homes to spend with her at hers and do some things but it was kept quiet. We knew not what we were going to be doing. Only that we had to be at her place at 7pm on Friday to start the weekend.

We arrived to a wonderful shrimp cocktail (fresh avacodos, fresh tomatoes, a sauce mixed with shrimp in a beautiful wine glass), a cream cheese dip and crackers, of which I ate much. Then dinner arrived. We had placed our orders and she had sandwhiches delivered for us. She then gave us gifts:

The most wonderful blanket, scarf, and slippers!

We watched a movie, "No Reservations," played "Outburst" and stayed up until 2:30 in the morning, talking and playing! It was like being a teenager all over again!

Saturday we woke up a little late but, we didn't have a schedule to follow so it was all good! We had gingerbread bagels, coffee, and juice for breakfast and then we got dressed. We went to the Kemper Museum of Art, then to Crown Center to the Holiday store for a bit of shopping. At this point it was nap time, remember we're not teenagers anymore and 2:30 am can wear on you! So we stopped by here, for some coffee and went home for a bit for a nap.

After our mini nap we went and had this done:

After our fabulous Pedi's and wearing our air-like slippers we were served the most spectacular cheese soup in bread bowl and salad...my sister is a fabulous hostess!

While we ate we watched "The Ultimate Gift," a tear jerker to say the least and the symbolism at the end, WOW! We played scrabble and talked some more but this time we went to bed at an earlier time!

Sunday, we awoke, had fruit and orange rolls for breakfast and then we went here

It was a fabulous weekend with those I love! Thank you a million times over! I love you both!

Words cannot express....

2008-11-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

Thank you, names in the sand!

Tiny pieces of me

2008-11-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

We do this volunteer thing once a year, Shan and I. It's usually a lot of fun. We cook hot dogs and serve chili and talk to kids who are all dressed up for Halloween. It's Ghost Story night in the Nature Sanctuary. The high school kids make the scary trail and you hear screams of terror as people walk through on their way to the cabin for stories and hot chocolate. It's generally full of laughter and fun. This time last year I was four and a half months pregnant.

This time last year, I had pain shooting through my legs I stood too long. I had been serving, standing, talking, and freezing in the misty rain. When I arrived home, I couldn't move my legs. I sat in bed and thought, "isn't this great, now, not only am I pregnant, happily mind you, but I can't walk to go pee!" I wondered what was wrong. I asked the doctors, their reply was to say, nothing, nothing was wrong. Now, I think maybe sciatic pain, pinched nerve, hell, I don't know. It could have been anything. Anyhow, all of these memories of last year rushed back in and then, as if falling from the sky, I received another piece of me...I received pictures. Yes pictures of me serving at Ghost stories.

You see, I only have or should I say, had, yes, I only had two pictures of me with William while pregnant. Now, I have some more, no, you cannot truly tell that I am pregnant as you cannot see my belly that well. Yet the same it's another memory that I am grateful someone caught on film. So, thank you to Mr. Smith for catching me with our son on film.

*************************************************************************************

I'm not sure why but lately, Lydia comes to mind. She was our nurse, or one of them that day, William's day. She had a heart of gold and tears to match. She will never know what a blessing she was to us that day, all the days to follow the rest of my life. .

My mind wanders, it thinks of the kindness of others. Lydia is kindness. That fateful day, the words she spoke, to William as she took him out of the room. The words she spoke. They resonate this day, "come on peanut, we'll be back." Yes, back they came but what she gave to me that day with those words was humanity. She truly had a compassion that I had never seen before. She treated William as though he were any baby she had helped to deliver. She never made me feel like a failure for not being able to keep him safe.

I haven't talked to her in a little over ten months time. I need to talk to her. To see how she is. I hope she remembers us, as we will always remember her.

Today, there is a tiny piece of me breaking away, that hardness that I once felt toward others. You know the happy ones, the ones that never had a problem. The planners in life that get to follow the plan. It's not their fault they have never been touched by this doom and gloom. Hell it's not our faults either. As Shan likes so much to remind me as I am crippled. Shit happens. Well, yes, my dear it sure does. Some of us, however, do not need this much shit in one lifetime.

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I sat outside the other day. The air was cold and crisp. The dates seemed familiar, yet not at the same time. At the end November of 2002, I was separated from my husband. I had moved out. I was preparing for a trip to NY to see a dear friend. Things were actually all right. I was going to NY and when I came back getting my own apartment. My very own apartment! December came and I went to NY, I came back and lived in my apartment for approximately one month.

January 13, 2003, I was working and I went outside with friends for a smoke break. We talked of the snow falling and how many fractures there would be that day. We walked back in and wouldn't you know it, I was the first fracture of the day. I slid in a puddle of water with shoe covers on. I went down like a ton of bricks. I broke my left wrist and dislocated my left patella that day. I was laid up for 2 months. I couldn't drive for almost 3 months.

I had to stay with friends for those three months. One of which is Shan! I don't remember those three months being as torturous as these two months have been. Maybe that would be due to the fact that I was loaded on hydro for two straight months! Maybe it was because I couldn't move, couldn't lift my left arm or move my left leg. I was truly crippled then.

What did I gain from this "flashback?" Well, let's see, I gained the knowledge that yes, I can and will get through this. It won't have a lasting impact that wears me down consistently for days or years to come. I will move forward from this. This is something I can get over! Sad as that is that is a nice feeling. Something, I will get over!
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I'm hoping that as I travel the road of grief, I gain more good pieces of myself, more memories, more love, more compassion. I know as my days pass and my friendships grow, I find more things I never knew I had in me. There are too many things to list but I find tiny pieces of me, starting to grow. There are the crumbled pieces of me starting to come together the old me moving ahead with the new me. I hope I can keep moving forward. I know I'll have my set backs, it's all right, I know now, I can get through them with a little help from my friends.

To our Vets,

2008-11-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU!

Blah...

2008-11-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

That’s kind of how I feel today. I have the onset of a cold, which I do believe I can thank Big Daddy Wayne for. Turns out he has pneumonia and is heading to the hospital as I write this. I would have gone but think I’m already getting the cold that spawned his pneumonia!

Yes, that’s right Wayne’s sick. I’m hoping he doesn’t have to spend too much time in the hospital as getting around is still a slow moving task for me. I do like to see him every day, especially when he’s in the hospital. I don’t like him to be alone. Of course, the nurses usually keep him company and make him laugh so that’s a good thing!

I’m heading out to my sixth PT session later today. Yeah for me! They want me to stand without my brace on my leg. Sure, that’s going to happen. This chic isn’t up for the task. I’m not truly too happy about the slow moving process this is. I’d like to get back out in the public eye.

It seems as though the more I sit at home the more resentment I acquire for certain persons. I will not mention names but truly find it disheartening to feel this way. I’m usually upbeat and happy-go-lucky. Not lately, not at all! I need to get out on my own…away from it all.

Do you all have any suggestions on how to relieve boredom? How to find happiness when sitting at home with a swollen knee? How to talk to others when all you want to do is yell at them? Help a woman out here…what do you think?

A little hope.

2008-11-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today, I picked up the phone and called the hospital. T. had gone in on the 4th to be induced. 37 weeks was long enough and they scheduled the induction a long time ago. She answered in a tired voice and I asked, "So, are you all, all right?" "Yes,” she said and the dialogue began. We have a girl, born yesterday, I'm tired and she's under the lights. I was scared, it was scary, she said. Her heartbeat kept dropping, my water broke, they were pushing fluid back in. They thought maybe it was a cord issue and the cord needed fluid around it to move. I finally dilated and it was quick once that happened. I asked although I already knew, "what's her name?" "Drew," she said. Tears flowed freely down my face. I tried to keep the upbeat voice I knew she needed to hear. "Congratulations, T., I am really happy for you, really!" T. Has had the hard struggle we have. Her only full term child, Andrew, was born still last year. Now, his sister will carry his name, of sorts!

I told T., I knew she needed rest, I would be talking to her soon as I need a measurement so as to send her a gift. She doesn't read this so I can say; I ordered a sling, from Hip Melon. I ordered the Carry On My Wayward Son sling. I figure, this is a gift of many sorts, it is a reminder of Andrew, it's for Drew to be carried in as though her brother were carrying her and it's a gift for T. who knows what our path is like. Anyhow, I hung up the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for 3 minutes and then I sighed a sigh of relief. I didn't know how stressful it could be to wait for someone else’s child to come into the world.

Welcome, Drew to this new world, your siblings that are here with you will take good care of you along with of course your parents. Your brother in Heaven will walk you through life and help guide you. I am so happy you made it, so very happy, I cannot wait to meet you!

Breakdown

2008-10-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I WANT MY SON! I want to spend the holiday, the one I used to love, Halloween with him. I want to dress him up in one of the cute outfits that Wayne got him last year. I want to take him out and about and show him off.

I can’t he’s not here. Tears are here and anger and complete frustration at what tomorrow truly holds for me. How the hell can Halloween be sad? By not having your child with you, that’s how.

Tul.sa, O.klaho.ma Connection

2008-10-27T12:47:00.001-07:00

Looking for anyone in the Tu.lsa, O.K. area to support another stillbirth Mom. Need a support group or a face to face for support. Please, let me know if you can help! Thank you!

You rock my world

2008-10-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

That's the first thing I must say. Thank you to those of you who signed the guest book for Jo.sel.yn. I truly aprreciate knowing that you all care for those who are just joining our club. I hope that her Mom and Dad find the IRL support that they need.

So, now, on to me! Yeah, I know, it's all about me, all the time! So, I've been sitting on my duff or laying on my back and no, not having fun, for let's see 23 days. I'm tired of being stuck at my house, not driving, watching t.v., not walking like a normal person! I have true empathy for those on bed rest. It sucks! I do however think at this point, I could write a list of all of the things you need to prepare for incase you go on bed rest for any reason! I no longer envy people that get to stay at home, I want to go out in the world, I want to see people. I miss people, I miss driving and I miss my own personal road rage! Oh, and did I mention, my house is a mess and I can't clean it?!

I know, this is a problem that is fixable, unlike my "problem" from over 10 months ago. No, William, was not a problem, but you know what I mean. This, the knee is something that will heal over time. My heart, I don't think it will ever mend.

Working up to the one year, um, anniversary, birthday, um, what do you call it? I think I'll stick with birthday. Yes, birthday will do. It's stressful, what should I do, what will I be able to do? Will, I be a whole, normal walking person by then? Because, if I am, I think, I will have a cake and a mini-party to celebrate the light of my life that is not here. I would love to have a big beautiful cake made, is that sad? I would have loved to have his 1st birthday party with him here. So, I guess I will have a party on a smaller scale without him here.

So, tell me if you've already been there, what did you do for the one year? If you haven't been there yet and are working up to it what are your plans?

Favor

2008-10-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

A family that lives in my neck of the woods, lost their daughter last week. It seems as though I am the only one so far to sign the guest book. No, I do not know the family. Just the same my heart aches for them. Would you go over and sign the guest book, let them know how many of us are out here? Let them know that we all care, have been there and are here if they need support! Thank you all for your assistance and support, please follow the link: Jo.sely.n. If it won't let you view, please let me know in the comments. Thanks! Amy

A wave of light...we remember, we will always remember.

2008-10-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks to C., I have borrowed the picture for today. October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. Please, join us where ever you are and give the wave of light tonight.

Thinking of you all today and wishing our little ones were here.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action

2008-10-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

Taken from the lovely, Antigone. Because, we all have a story and it's important that our stories be told and our children remembered.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Three in one...

2008-10-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would share three things in one post. The 3rd being a question that relates to the second thing!
# 1 being, I dislocated my knee on the first of the month. No, it's not something new to me, I have done this before, I have had the problem with both knees since my early teens. Yeah, for me, the older you get the harder it is to recover! I am essentially on bed rest. I cannot drive for 3 more weeks and I am not happy! I have too much to do this month!

Yes, there is a knee on the right and yes, my legs really are that big!!

So on to # 2:
We had a Walk to Remember yesterday. It was healing and sad but well worth the pain and the sit in the wheel chair! Yes, I had to sit for 2 hours as I couldn't stand on my bum knee!

William's Balloons, released by Mommy, Daddy, Grammi, Aunt B, B & L.

Our T-shirts, I love seeing his name in print!

Now, on to #3! Shan and I were talking after the walk yesterday and we both thought it would be cool if everytime a balloon was released in memory of our children there was a website people could log on to to read the story of that child and publish a comment as to where the balloon ended up. Sort of like tracing the steps our children take even though they are not here. So what do you all think of that? It is going to be a project for me, my way of knowing that William touches other people's hearts. So what do you think? Is this a good idea and is it someithing you would be interested in doing? You know, writing a post about your child and then getting comments on where your balloons are found? Let me know!

9 months

2008-09-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

My dearest William,

Mommy wishes so much that you were here to celebrate this huge marker with. I miss you more than words can possibly begin to say. The last nine months have been so hard and yet, at the same time, so rewarding. I have met many miraculous women that have walked in my shoes. I don't like that I have met them for this reason but I am more grateful everyday to know them.

Daddy and I have gone through our ups and downs and as for giving you a brother or sister, well, that has yet to be decided on just one side of the fence. Mommy is ready. Another child will NEVER replace you, my dear son. You will always hold a very special place in my heart and soul. You are the one that got away. I realized the other day, when you were still here with me, living inside of me, I had asked Grammi, How will I ever let him go? How will I be strong enough to let him grow up? How will I trust that he'll choose the right things in life? Grammi said, you'll learn and one day you just will. Well, I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now, I had to let you go a whole lot earlier than my head was even allowing for and my heart, oh, my dear child, my heart still doesn't want to let you go. I don't think it ever will.

More than the sun and the moon and the stars, we love you Sweet William.
Mommy and Daddy

Nine- Eleven

2008-09-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

I've said those numbers so many times in my life. You see, my birthday is nine- eleven, nineteen-seventy-four. They roll off my tongue. Yes, today supposedly, I am another year older. Although if you ask me in person, especially today I will tell you that I am twenty-seven. Every year on this day I tell people I am twenty-seven. In 2001 I decided I no longer had to celebrate a birthday. I mean really, who wants a birthday with such a crappy conotation behind it? Not me! Then again, who the hell can forget my birthday? They may not no how old I really am, but they know when to wish me happy birthday! So, happy birthday to me!

I've had a lot of ups and downs since I last posted. We're on the ttc train again. I think I'm excited. Honestly, I don't know where my feelings are these days.

I am sorry, I haven't checked in on any of you, I hope you are all doing well. I just found it easier to stay away, it made it easier for me to function IRL.

Truly, nothing new here...nine months, William's nine month anniversary is two days away. I have mixed emotions about this also. It'll be alright though. I mean, really, I've survived this long and no one thought I would, including myself!

You all take care and thanks to all of you for checking in on me for the last month plus! I truly appreciate it!

Checkin' out because I just can't handle checking in!

2008-07-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel right now. I started this blog seven months ago to track and to purge my feelings. I'm on a so-so track right now about the loss of William. I miss him dearly, I always will.

It's not that I don't appreciate the support here. It's that I am feeling a bit tongue tied and twisted and to be honest, jealous. I just can't handle another pregnancy, if it's not mine. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel. I don't mean it to. It cuts like a knife though and I just can't handle the pain anymore.

I may run off like a dog with it's tail between it's legs only to come back begging for support but, today, I'm checking out. I will more than likely lurk, when energy allows me to. I do not believe I will comment though. I'm a bit redundant now days and a bit selfish too.

I know, I've done this before, left and come back. I'm sure I will be back around the nine month mark, I'll come back screaming. In the meantime, could you all do me a favor though? Please, don't forget about our William. Please, don't forget about me. I need to know that you will be here when I need you even though, I'm not here for you all right now...see, I told you I'm selfish!

To those of you that are pregnant, Congratulations (softly or loudly, however you want it!), I'm wishing for you all only the best. For the rest of us in this rut, you know what I always say, I'm wishing you all peace in this journey and some hope. Hope that someday we can join the subsequent pregnancy spot along this blog roll. Good luck to you all and much, much love. Over and out, stick a fork in me for now, I am done.

Because I could use a little fun! Maybe, we all could!

2008-07-22T16:12:00.001-07:00

I'm a Mercedes SLK!

You appreciate the finer things in life. You have a split personality - wild or conservative, depending on your mood. Wherever you go, you like to travel first class. Luxury, style, and fun - who could ask for more?

Take the http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

So, tell me what car are you?

He

2008-07-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

Is more than a friend. He's our roommate. A seventy something, Santa Claus look a like. He's funny and caring, has a good sense of humor, loves to argue and most of all is our adopted DAD! He's Big Daddy Wayne. He too was looking forward to William being here even bought him clothes and Halloween costumes.

Today, we found out the worst possible news. It's either Hospice or Chemo we're told. Chemo is the choice he's made. It's going to make him sick, very, very sick.

My heart is sore, it's had one loss that I never thought I'd survive and now this. Now, my dear, sweet, lovable friend is going to face the fight of his life, literally.

I will try to keep updates going and to say the least the baby making front is on HOLD. For good reason. We will be taking care of Big Daddy as he goes through his treatments.

I am hoping that Big Daddy won't be joining William too soon. I do however know that when he gets there William will be spoiled rotten by him.

Please be thinking of us as we need all of the thoughts and prayers we can get at this time. Much love and peace to you all.

Hello again my friends, hello!

2008-06-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and I sure have missed your smiles! Or tears, or whatever there may have been while I was away. I just missed you all!

I have so much going on right now. The last couple of weeks have been decent. I have had one pretty bad day and the rest have truly been the roller coaster of this "new" life.

We had our first steam show, you can see pictures and what it's all about at http://www.wmatma.org/, it was a nice show and we had fun with our friends. They allowed me to talk about William without judgement and they even purchased a rock for William's garden for us. It is beautiful (I'm too lazy to take a picture and post it!) It has a dove and two crosses on it (carved in it of course!)

I went to the lake with a friend the other day and swam and talked and got fried! When will I ever learn that they created sun screen for a reason? Maybe someday!

I have been keeping up with your posts I just haven't had the heart to comment on many of them. So, here's my response to what I have read.

Shaina,
I know it's been a rough time for you and I am so incredibly sorry that I can't be there to hold your hand throughout all of this. Grace is always in my thoughts and prayers.

My friend, Aunt Becky,
I know you will be alright. I know this ickle will stick. I just wish that you knew that too!

Antigone,
My heart aches for you and you know this. My thoughts are with you and the little bean. It's all good. You'll be all good and just fine when the time comes for the little one to come into this world. You'll make an excellent Mommy!

Ange,
Congratulations! Wow, what an exciting and scary time in your life. I'm very happy for you and this new "little" one! I am sure that all will be just fine!

Janistan,
I am sorry about your mother, I too hope she wins the fight of her life. Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease that rears it's head when it wants to. I am hoping and wishing the best for her even though your relationship with her has been difficult, I know this (cancer) is something we wish on no one we love and care about.

Julia,
I do believe I posted this on your June 14th post but again, THANK YOU for remembering my dear sweet William. It means so very much to me. I have catching up to do on your blog and promise to do so soon!

Isn't it Pretty,
A bowl of cherries our vagina's are not! If they were none of us would have these problems but I do love the mistake as it is sooo something I would do! And to friends, like the one who gave the "correct" response, CHEERS! Big cheers to her!

Becky,
I am thinking of you and glad that you graduated from IC! Sounds like a major feat! And yes, all will be good and fine! Lily will be fine!

Little miss Hopeful,
I wish the days weren't so dark and the nights were full of sleep and that your tummy was full of food and your heart not so strained. I wish many things for you but for today I will wish you peace.

Rosalind,
Our brains, what a miraculous part of our body that allow us to never forget! Occasionaly, it serves as a reminder of what we don't have and the reasons as to why or the lack of reasoning. We may not get the answers and NO your thinking had nothing to do with the loss of Micah. I too feel that the things I said, made William not want to stay with us. But, I have come to realize that this is just not true. I hope you find some peace in the near future and that these thoughts don't weigh you down too much.

Mr. and Mrs. Spit,
I think of you both and Gabriel often. I hope you know that your words speak to my heart. I hope you know that I was thinking of you both on your anniversary even though I didn't write. I will say too that I hope you get the opportunity to be parents to a child here on earth because, I KNOW you would make fabulous parents! You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

CDE and STE,
I don't know where to begin. I'm glad that alcohol hasn't taken over your lives and that there is a smidge of "normalcy" if you will. I am also so incredibly sorry for all that you STE, are going through. This is most definitely not a path lined with roses. The dust and clouds take over and clamp down on your heart and soul. I also know the ones closest to us can sweep away the dust and let some light into our souls, let C., hold you close and hold him too. You need each other. Feel free to block the rest of the world out just never, never block one another out.

Yummy,
I can't believe that it's been eight months. I know that Aodin is in a safe place. I know he is playing with William. I know that you are a good Mommy. I know you are a good Mommy, because no parent would want their child to suffer what Aodin would have had to suffer to stay here on earth. Big hugs my friend big hugs.

Katie,
It's hard not to have anxiety when you have gone through all that you have to get to where you are. Your little man will come out on the good side of things. I just know it! Hang in there! And as for the friendly skies, don't fly airlines that don't understand HIGH RISK pregnancy, maybe they should be told that pregnancy doesn't come easily for EVERYONE, what butt holes!

Beth,
Cute tummy! Thank you for staying in touch with my blog. I don't know that if I were in your shoes that I would be so brave. I think you will make and incredibly compassionate, caring, loving Mommy!

C.,
I do not know how you handled the butterfly thing. I would have been a big huge, screaming, blubbering mess! The natural food chain is not for me. I can't watch any of it, ever, not even on t.v.! As for K., what a sweet child you have, I do hope that you get more conversations with her in the future.

Coggy,
I do hope that your consultants appointment goes well. I am sorry about the whole midwife appointment. I can't imagine, I am sure it is difficult to be in your shoes. I'm thinking of you though!

Kalak.ly,
Happy belated birthday to C.! That was an amazingly beautiful post. Now, on to your post prior...my hope is that you will relax a bit and that this time will be different from last time. With all my heart I hope only good for you!

To anyone that I may have inadvertently left out, You are in my thoughts and prayers, each and everyone of you. Anyone on Mel's wonderful blog list is always in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is full of hope that each and everyone of us gets the chance to be parents to a child here on earth. My soul is full of hope that we all can teach others what, IF, pregnancy loss, neonatal loss is all about and how to "deal" with us in the correct way.

Now, I am going to ask for a favor, there is a little girl who needs some prayers. She is fighting the good fight to kick cancer's butt! If you'd like to know more about her you can read about her here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilyclevenger . I do not know her personally but have attended fundraising events for her here in the city. I know her family is extremely grateful for any prayers they can get!

I am going to be away for another week. This time, I won't have the chance to check in. We are going for a family reunion on Shan's side. Of course, we'll be missing one. That would be our sweet William. He will be there in spirit but not physically. I will have a difficult time being there without him but I will, we will, get by. After the family reunion it's time for me to spend some time with my Niece and Nephew and my Mom, Sister, and Papa (Mom's fiance). We're going to a cabin to enjoy some family time at a lake! I can't wait!

You all take care and look to the stars for that is where our children are! Big hugs to all of you and wishing you much peace!

God bless America and all that's good and holy!

2008-06-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

This is what I say, instead of the "f" word, or GD or anything else. This week has been full of "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" We started with the Tuesday morning anger and frustration (friend's grand daughter passing), I go to counseling (all good and well!), I go to water aerobics (it's fun and even whales can swim!), then I get out of the pool to have a message on my phone from Shan. He's taken big daddy, Wayne to the hospital (our surrogate dad, who lives with us). Let's see can it get any worse...oh, hell yeah, it can always get worse! Wayne, he's alright. Had to have a cardiac stent but he's alright. He'll get to come home later today or tomorrow...we hope!

Today is six months. Six long, painful months without our William. It's hard but I have some peace, I feel that he is in a decent place. I feel that he is safe. Shan and I seriously had the TTC conversation last night. It's not gonna happen, not for a while. Part of me felt relief, the bigger part of me feels more heartache. I so want to have a baby. I want to try to have a baby. I want, I want, I want. It's all about me. Then I realize, no, it's not all about me. I've had counseling, I have you all, I have support groups. Shan, Shan has me. He hasn't talked much about anything. He hasn't felt the pain, not in front of me. He won't let himself break in front of me. It's not time to try. He's not ready and we both need to be ready before we can try. I just hope he doesn't wait too long to be ready! William, we miss you, this is harder than we could have ever imagined. When we are ready, will you help us kid? Please?!

I arrive at G. reader this am. I see C., at my resurfacing. I read, I cry and I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy, not this, not now, not her!" I know she turned off comments and C., if you are reading this, my heart is aching for you today.

With no luck at all this will be the last time this week I say, "God bless America and all that's good and holy!" With no luck at all this will be the last time I feel the urge to type my own post here for the next few days. I am hoping to spend time with my Dad for the other infamous hallmark day. You know the one, father's day. The one in which, I got the card for Shan and am still trying to decide how to sign it! The one in which, I am grateful that my Dad will be home from Turkey and spending the weekend here at home! The holiday that used to mean so much to me and now instills horrid dread. Sad, but true.

I will be doing rounds later today...checking in on you all, could you do me a favor and put a smile on my face? Maybe, something stupid you've done lately or something stupid someone else has done. I need a laugh. I need to find some humor this week as it seems to have alluded me all week.

ETA: I do believe I'll be taking a longer break. Today just hit me hard. I want so bad to try again. I can't, Shan won't let me. I think, I need to stay away from here to regain some strength. I will be thinking of you all though. Wishing those of you that are TTC luck and those of you that are with baby in oven luck. Wishing those of us that for whatever reason can't go there right now peace. Big hugs to all!

Anger

2008-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am angry today. This is how my day started :

I arrive at the hospital after my 50 minute drive. I walk in to go change clothes and L, one of the scrub techs is rushing out the door, "I'm leaving, I'll be alright but I have to go." I ask her if she's really is alright and she says, "T., my husband just called and the baby (this is her grandchild)stopped breathing." My heart lurched and then I took a sigh. "My thoughts are with you." I said as she ran out the door. I went about my business and did my first case, in Out Patient Clinic. I came back, spoke to anesthesia to see what the hold up was and this was his reply, "L's grand daughter past away." "What, I knew she stopped breathing but, what?" "Yeah, there at her house." My heart lurched again, and I wanted to slap myself, how the fuck can the cup be half full all the time? I'm thinking my optimism needs to be stomped on! I thought as she left that everything would be just fine. The tears started rolling and another lady came to hug me, all I could say is, "God, NO, not another one!" T, the grand daughter was just past one year old. My thoughts and prayers go to this family today and for the rest of their lives. This journey is not an easy one and it's most definitely not one I wish on even my darkest enemy. L, I'm here if you need me or want me.

The anger is here now, good thing for counseling, I have an appointment this afternoon. If I could have stopped the world this morning I would have. It seems so inappropriate that the world keeps moving when we lose a child. I think I'll let the anger hang out awhile. I don't think it's so bad to be angry for another persons sake and for my own!

Muddled musings

2008-06-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend was productive. I planted the rest of my Sweet William plants, did my laundry and had a one on one support/meeting with a dear friend who is working on starting an advocacy group here but that will extend nationwide and hopefully internationally eventually. She is a very knowledgeable lady whose son was stillborn in 1978. She has been working with the MISS foundation, working on the Missing Angels Act (Certificates of Birth resulting in Stillbirth). They finally got it passed in OK; it should be in effect in November of this year. Yeah! After 30 years she can finally get a Birth Certificate resulting in Stillbirth for her son. I can’t wait for that day. I think it will be a big huge party. I was saddened to learn of C’s bad fortune in Canada. I spoke with my friend and she said that the governmental departments seem to have made it so they feel that they are doing the right thing. When in all actuality they have done nothing to recognize a child of stillbirth. C., I am so incredibly sorry and will be working on fighting your government for the rights to this very important document. If this a fight you have chosen let me know and I will do whatever I can to help.
Shan and I had an awkward moment when discussing TTC. I am ready any time I told him and he said he doesn’t think he can survive that again. Meaning, he cannot survive another loss. I am hoping that we won’t have to try to survive another loss; I am hoping that we will be blessed this time around. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I feel so bad for him, I know the pain all to well and I definitely know the fear. My emotions these days are a mixed bag. The roller coaster seems to hit with so much force. I do better when I talk to others on this ride. When I am alone, I do worse; the decline is very rapid when I am alone. How do you deal when you are alone? I stay in bed with the covers up and snuggled to William’s teddy bear and the cat, she is a good comfort these days. She seems to want me more than anyone else in this world these days and seems to understand that I need her too. Shan gets his solace in lawn work or work in general, it helps to keep his mind from wandering too much.
I’m off to work this morning trying to muddle through another day and deal with the stupid people of the universe. Seems it takes a lot of energy to deal and teach others what is and is not appropriate to say to me. To say to anyone that is traveling the same journey I am. I don’t have all the energy it takes to talk to these idiots so some days I just act as though I cannot hear them. I pretend to be engrossed in a book, the paper or a magazine. Sometimes (the smart ones) catch on sometimes (the idiots) keep talking as though I want to talk back eventually. We’ll see what today offers. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be lucky and get only smart ones today!

It's a Meme cause it's always all about ME!

2008-06-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Heather, I've been tagged for a meme, so here it goes!

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?I was 23. Madly in love and had just gotten married. Of course, we're divorced now but he's still a good friend!

2. What 5 things are on you to-do list for today?
- sleep (damned dog kept me up late with the storms!)
- figure out what to eat for dinner
- check blog's
- hang with Shan
- go to bed early with Shan

3. List some snacks you enjoy.
- really like my protein shakes (french vanilla!) it ensures I get some milk and protein.
-I love potato chips and chocolate!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
-Build our house
-donate to NILMDTS, Project Flutter, First Breath(our own place for grieving parents, tied in with 1st Candle), & March of Dimes.
-Take care of our families and good friends
- I would then buy Shan a truck, my own NEW car, and we would go to Sweden to see Shan's family!

5. List the places you have lived.
- Prairie Village, KS
- Leawood, KS
- Manhattan, KS
- Kansas City, MO (Not very fun but hey, I'm still close to my family!)

6. List the jobs you have had.
- Babysitter
- Dry Cleaning bitch(you know the girl who takes in your clothes and tags them!)
- bank teller
- Personal slave to a General Surgeon (Asshole!)
- waitress
-Volunteer/VP of the local Animal Shelter (All volunteer run! This is where I met Shan!)
- Auto transfusion Technician (Current job, family business)

7. List the people you want to know more about.
Shaina, Coggy, C., Kalakly, and G.
Of course, I want to know about all of you so feel free to jump in and fill this out!

I'm BACK!!

2008-06-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

I hope you are all doing well. I will be spending a good part of my week catching up with all of your posts…I will try to catch up by Thursday this week!

We’ve been busy; I need to apologize to those of you with G.Reader. You may very well have seen 2-3 of the same post regarding a song and my Nieces pre-school graduation. Yes, it is something I wanted to share but was too lazy and working too fast to get it done appropriately. I will try to repost it at a later date!

The busy part…Shan’s Dad stayed with us for 2 weeks. He’s a go-getter…kept Shan on his toes and wore him slick! It’s not a bad thing but not a great thing either! It’s always nice to have his dad with us but it’s also nice to get our personal space back! I’m not a very good person to share space with. I’m kind of bitchy and VERY set in my ways! I am NOT a morning person and truly dislike being spoken to before I am ready. Luckily, Shan’s dad knows this…most days! Shan on the other hand is a different story…he eggs on my crappy attitude. That’s actually a different post all together!

So, I took time away and yet I still poked my head through the door on occasion to check in. I didn’t make it to everyone, obviously or you would have seen comments galore I am sure. I missed you all A LOT! It’s very hard for me to stay away from peeking my head around the corner to check in. You are all my addiction and sometimes I need the break from this addiction to feed another.

We have another round of “stuff” coming up in our personal lives and yet some more mile stones (sounds like the wrong thing to say) coming up for us regarding William. Six months in only 12 days away now…doesn’t seem like it can be six months yet. We have our first Steam Show (I’ll explain later!) in just over 2 weeks and I was so looking forward to having William with us at this event. It’s going to be very difficult and of course before the show we have the dreaded Father’s Day. I am not sure how Shan will handle this. Me, I may stay in bed after I tell him what a wonderful Daddy, I know he is.

Lately, I have had yet another round of ups and downs, more ups I think than downs but I’m not exactly sure about that either. I spent Memorial Day at the cemetery placing flowers on a head stone of a good friend who passed six months ago. My losses should all be in another post all together but the short end of the stick is this… August 2007 lost my Cat of 13 years, November 2007 lost a good friend to a freak blood clot, and William’s God Parents lost their fur kid (our fur nephew) to cancer the day after our friend died and then of course, 2 weeks after the friend died we lost our William. I went to the cemetery and then to the infant memorial at the hospital. While at the infant memorial, in the field next to the stone were a herd of cattle…they watched me…I spoke to them…for every baby I could name there was a cow to match. Ironic sure, wishful thinking that they were all watching me, probably but kind of cute just the same! I think the six-month mark is just going to hit me like a brick as the build up is already weighing me down. I guess we’ll have to see.

I do want to thank you all for being here and being my addiction, I am not sure how I would get through any of this without all of you!

ETA: The pee stick was negative, I'm alright with that though! Not exactly ready, I don't think! Maybe next time!

Just thought...

2008-05-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

I should let you all know, I am alright! This is short and to the point, I have Shan's Dad in town and rather than keep my arse planted in front of my computer, I am trying to spend some time with him.

I apologize for not commenting, you all seem to write so eloquently, and to be honest, it more often than not brings me to tears. I am trying to avoid the void that I feel and all of the sadness. At the very least for the next week. I feel bad neglecting to blog or commenting, however, this is me time that is needed. I will catch up through out the week and hope that you are all doing alright too!

Thank you to those of you who checked in. I'll be back soon to check on you too!

Bits and pieces

2008-05-19T15:20:00.001-07:00

I’m not sure where to start or where to end for that matter. Sunday was the service at the hospital. It was a small service, for EVERYONE, who had lost ANYONE. Not just babies. However, we were the only ones there who had lost our baby. Everyone else had lost someone older…much, much, older. It was a nice service; my Niece and Nephew joined my sister, my Mother, Shan and myself. It was nice for them all to be there. I cried, a lot, especially when Shan spoke Williams full name in remembrance. It was the first time I have heard him say his full name, the first time, in a long time that he has even uttered,” William.” We left the service after having cookies and punch and went down the hill to the “infant memorial,” I had brought with me two purple iris from my yard; my mom brought a dozen white roses. We placed them together in the vase on the stone. I cried when the kids placed some of the roses and said nice things like, “William, even though you are dead, you will always be our cousin.” How blunt yet sweet from a five year old. And then there was, “William, we would have had so much fun with you and you with us.” That one from the nephew! I wailed, I think that’s the best way to put it. We then all went for a walk on the trail and watched the kids play and read all of the memorial plaques along the way on the trees and benches. It was sad, it was hard, it gave me a little (in tiny print!) closure. I miss our son; I miss him more than words can even begin to say. I am angry, I am sad; I am hurt that he is not here.

Today, I had to go to the grocery store the list read something like this:

*Milk
*Dog food/treats/canned
*Cat food dry/treats
*TP
*Spaghetti/S.sauce
*Tampons

I went up and down the aisles checked off all of the items until I came to the tampon aisle. I couldn’t buy the tampons, oh no, not me, I had to buy the 2 pack EPT. For good luck, for wishful thinking, I’m not sure why. They’ll sit in a drawer for at least 2 weeks and then, maybe, just maybe I’ll pull one out and see. I’m sure it’ll be negative but hell, in this life I live you just never know.

This part is for Antigone, I know it’s rough, I know it’s hard, I am thinking of you everyday. I am keeping all my happy, good thoughts rolling your way that this one will make it. I know it’ll never be Henry, but maybe, just maybe a piece of him will come back to you. I’m wishing you peace my dear, and sending you mighty big hugs!

To everyone else, you know how this goes; I’m thinking of you all and hoping for only the best and sending you lots of love and peace!

The game plan

2008-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well, let's see, the game plan. It is simple, or yeah, I guess that's what I'd like to think. Doc put me on Met.for.min, no, I am not dia.betic, don't have P.COS, so why? To decrease my risk of miscarriage from 40% to 14%. Am I at high risk for miscarriage? We're not sure! My insulin challenge was a bit high so we're cutting it off at the pass and this is to give me piece of mind.

So, in order to make a long drawn out story short, we have the green light to try again! Thing that sucks the most, his family will be here while I'm ovulating! Yeah, me! Try stuffing a sock in my mouth I guess! Or, get it done really fast and hide while my legs are propped up! What fun!

So that's the short end of it! I'm sure you'll get the long end of it as now, I am nervous, sad, and leery of losing yet another baby. 2 losses is enough for me. I don't think my heart can stand a 3rd. I know my soul cannot. So, we'll see where the grief roller coaster and the TTC roller coaster collide.

Again, thank you all for all of your support. I am also sure you will hear or um, well, read my ups and downs with taking Met.for.min. as, my body day one seems to dislike the stuff!

Wow, Thanks!

2008-05-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Katie, at Taking the Statistical Bullet, for bestowing upon me this wonderful award. She herself has been nothing but kind to me, more kind that I deserve! So thank you!

I am passing this on to all of my girls, I can't choose just a few of you, you have all treated me with kindness and love, so if you are on my blog roll, well then this goes to you! So, put it up display it proudly and know that I thank you for being my friends and pulling me through all of this junk!

The Day (Mother's Day)

2008-05-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

Be forewarned, I started writing this yesterday and ended it today...a lot of it is in present tense as it was the present when I wrote it.

The day is here. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe, just maybe, it's because I am cleaning (taking a break to post). My house literally has not been touched since December, at least not by me. My Mom, cleaned, a lot when she stayed with us after, after we gave William over to the hospital staff and left him there.

The hardest part about today is, well, all of you. I dislike the fact that there are so many of us missing our babies. Wishing we had them in our arms, smiling back at us. I have a peace that William is with me. No, not physically but I feel as though he touches me everyday. I wish you all could feel that. Not that it makes it any easier. Yet, it's not so harsh, everyday.

I am blessed, I have a wonderful family. A wonderful fiance. A good life. Shan, went to get me Sweet William plants for Mother's Day, no body not a single nursery here had them. It's the thought that counts! On top of that, he picked out an incredibly sweet Mother's Day card for me and signed it with all of the furry kids names and his and Big Daddy's too! Keep in mind that this is only the 2nd card I have ever received from him and I didn't even say that I wanted anything. He loves me, that's enough for me!

My Mom, wow, I don't have enough good words about this woman, she amazes me everyday. She made a large donation to William's MOD band. She said, she would have spent that if not a lot more on him by now if he were still here. She thinks of William, Shan and I everyday. I cannot thank her enough for being my mom.

I have so many good friends who called or emailed to check on me yesterday. Thank you to each and every one of you. It means more than I can say in words that you thought of me and William yesterday.

B., my nephew is an amazing little man. He's only 9. I called yesterday evening to talk to my sister, to tell her how much I had accomplished on my cleaning because I was so happy with myself. B., answered the phone, we chatted for a bit and I told him I loved him. "I love you too, oh, and hey, Happy Mother's Day, you know you are still a Mother!" Me, of course, I started crying, he got my sister and in turn I heard him say, "I made her cry, I didn't mean to but she is still a Mother." My sister took the phone over and I told her what a special boy she has. How nice it is that no one says to him that you need to say this. He just does it all. My sister and I talked and she made sure my day was decent which it was.

I was truly blessed yesterday and well, today, I believe I am always going to be blessed with this wonderful group of Mommies in my life. I am priveleged to know each and every one of you.

Today, I had my HSG. Ouch, pressure, Oh, wow, that feels like a contraction, is that normal? Yes, it's all normal and I am alright. The pain passed and my doc said all looks good. We'll chat more tomorrow at my appointment. He's still an incredibly nice guy. He made me laugh and took the edge off a bit with his funny comments. I will fill you all in when I get my game plan down! Yeah, like I've ever been able to follow a game plan, but I can pretend can't I?!

No good title

2008-05-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

That's what this is, there is no good title. This is just my week in ramblings due to the fact that I can't seem to form a thought for more than maybe say, five minutes at a time. Maybe I am just having brain farts, I'm not sure. Anyhow, let's get on with my week.

Sunday, Aunt Flo came to join me. Not a bad thing, not a good thing either. I scheduled for my HSG which is this coming Monday! Yeah, I know it'll be uncomfortable but that's why my lovely Mom is taking me. So, I may take some good drugs and Tylenol and have a designated driver to get me to and fro. I am scared. This didn't hit me until the R.E.'s office called back and said they wanted to set up another appointment to go over my GTT test and my thyroid panel, etc. with me. Why all of this bothers me I'm not sure. What is the worst thing they can tell me at this point? I'm not pregnant so, they can't tell me that I've lost another one. What could all of this mean? Maybe, I am just scared for what it means for my future.

That damned day is around the corner...yes, two days away. No, I don't begrudge anyone this day. It just makes me incredibly sad. However, my Mom, being the wonderful woman she is made a donation to Williams MOD band. Thanks again, Mom! I love you! This gesture touched my heart and soul.

Knowing I have a good family eased the pain of the people at work today wishing me a *Happy* Mother's day. Oh, BITE ME! Do I seriously need to wear a shirt that tells you to remember what has happened in my life?!

My mask is obviously not too good for some. One of the ladies I work with picked out that the reason I am sooo incredibly tired all the time is because I am depressed. Gee, do you think? Of course, I'm depressed, do I want drugs, NO! Will I be depressed forever? No, I don't think so, I will more than likely just let it hang on for a while before I decide to give the depression the boot. Don't I wish it were that easy!

So, my plans for Mother's day? I do believe that I will seriously get my house clean. Try to keep my mind off things. Yes, cleaning my house will take all weekend, and maybe into next week. I have vacuumed twice since December. I have done nothing else to the house since December but those two times of running the vacuum. The dust is so thick I can write obscene things on my clocks, t.v.'s, and even my desk. Now, that's just sad. So yes, I will be cleaning. I love my Mom, she knows this. She'll know it even more when she gets her gift delivered to her. I may decide to make her a treat and take it to her but it depends on what I get done on the house tomorrow. Anyhow, what I would really like to do is crawl in bed Saturday night and stay there until Monday around 1:00 when my Mom comes to get me for my HSG. That would be my ideal way to spend Sunday.

I do wish you all a peaceful day and hope that it's not too hard on any of us. I am thinking of you all.

To believe or not to believe

2008-05-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a week, a weekend, whatever. It's been yet another time spent without our son. We have so much going on. Although I know some don't believe in Ps.y.chic Me.d.i.um.s, I do and so does Shan. We went to see Jo.h.n E.dwar.d with my Mom Saturday. Yes, in a frenzy 4 weeks out from delivering William, his show was the only that I could watch and feel calm even at the mention of babies. So, when I knew he was coming to town, I shelled out the big bucks for three tickets, Mom, me and Shan!

Shan, didn't want to go. He was scared that something might happen, he'd find out something about his health (read: petrified semi hypochondriac!). When J.E. said, I'm getting l.u.ng ca.nce.r and a mother figure, and a C or K name. I froze, I reached across my mother and tapped Shan, it's you. He shook his head no. It was for the ladies in front of us. There is a part of me that begs to differ, see Shan's sister's name starts with a C. and his mom died of lu.ng ca.n.c.er. But, the lady in front of us spoke up. Our stories were similar. Very similar. The next was a lady who had lost a child, was this a baby asked J.E. Tears, streaming down my face the lady couldn't speak, just nodding her head and nothing else was said by her. J.E. said the baby is fine, with other family. My Mom, nudged me and we both cried.

All afternoon stories coincided with ours, so many children no longer with their families. Yes, I know, we all believe what we want to. I choose to believe in spirits and the spirit world. It was a very interesting time to be had by all. There were so many connections made and even a little boy in the audience was "contacted" by his Grandpa. That was what took all of our breaths away. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the place. All in all it was a fun experience and yes, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Now, I started working out last week! I joined the Y and went everyday except yesterday and today. That's not bad, it's not good either. My ass hurts, literally and my back and my arms and my neck and every other part on my body. I was starting to get mad about all of this though. I can handle the pain but where the eff was Aunt Flo? Why was she being so untimely? No, I can guarantee I was not pregnant, foam and "rubber duckies." No, breaks, no misses...not pregnant. So, why was my cycle delayed? Don't have a clue but I started yesterday which means, I can have my "final" test before we TTC again. I have to call tomorrow to schedule my HSG. I'm scared and excited and a bit on edge.

What will this mean for my future, for our future? Am I ready to try? Do I even want to go there yet? My answers are actually very simple, A baby that lives and survives birth and life. Yes. And yes. Before I actually wrote this down, I was thinking this is all wishful thinking. I mean is the 3rd try going to be the charm? Seriously, my charm is my son who isn't here. Am I ready for this, this scary unknown, the fear, the anxiety without drugs? That one I can't answer.

I do know that I want a baby but the other fear I have is this, I know you all support me but I am scared to go to the other side. The side of pregnancy after loss. The side of not having all of you there to walk me through it because it'll be too hard for you to read about. What's even more strange is that IRL I don't give a shit. But here, in blogland, I am petrified to hurt anyone.
I want nothing more than to have each and everyone of you holding my hand, with the anxiety of mine and pregnant too. I know, now I am asking too much, can you all get knocked up and join me? Selfish, I know but it is my hope that each of us can hold the ultimate gift in our arms someday in the future, preferably, say ten and a half months from now, a living, breathing, healthy child, who stays with us until our dying day. Oh, and yes, our dying day cannot come for at the very least another say fifty five years! How does this suit you all?

My sarcasm shining through here, but the truth is I am scared of feeling as though I am turning my back on you all by TTC and actually conceiving and carrying a healthy one. Then again, I am scared of turning my back on William to do all of this.

I think in typing this I just got my answer...I feel as though I haven't given William his just dues but I hope he'll understand should I decide to take a leap of faith. I guess I need to believe rather than not believe that all will be alright. That we all will be alright.

Shadows and thank you

2008-04-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

I joined the Y yesterday. I love the facilities. The tour was fabulous and pretty much sold me on the fact that yes, I need to lose a ton of weight. Tonight was my first water aerobics class, a.) I love the water b.) I'm currently too heavy to bounce around on a floor for aerobics c.) I have a friend who does this with me. It was a high intensity class, I pushed myself and I now have tons of energy.

Being as it is a family place there were children there. It was alright, even the baby strollers and babies. What got to me was when the instructor grabbed a book and said, "I'd like you to remember, that if you look to the sun, you cannot see the shadows." I teared up. I like the shadows. I like the sun but I like the shadows more, the shadows make me remember where I have been. This shadow I live in will always follow me, it is the shadow of my life.

The new me however will with a lot of work have a smaller, thinner shadow. This shadow will still be that of my past life, but will hold a little bit of sun for my future.

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Thank you, too all who commented on my last post. I didn't mean to sound so angry. I'm not. I know now that I need to be the one to instigate conversation about William. I need to start being who I was before and not caring who I upset in this process. I know that sounds cold, I'm not cold, I promise. I have a need to talk about my son. I have to be the one who initiates these conversations and from now on I will be.

Of a craddle, beer and chicken

2008-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

The trip was short. We got into MP around 11:00am, we loaded the steel we came to pick up. We went to Jerry's for our pizza and drove on into Shan's dad's house. All in all we were done with what we came for by 12:00 noon. We could have just turned around and come back home. We didn't, we wanted to spend time with Dad and eat at our favorite chicken place.

When we got to the house, Dad, wanted to load us up with whatever he thought we could use in the shop (read Shan's big dog house, for himself to play in!). We got a filing cabinet, a rolling hanger rack (not sure why but we did!), then it was time for more shelves, my heart sank. Sitting in front of the truck in the garage was the most beautiful craddle, hand made by Dad, it had been passed from child to child and was to be Williams. I couldn't bear it, I whispered to Shan, what about the craddle? Well, ask him, Shan said. That ensued a minor argument of, I don't want to cause I'll cry. I stomped back in the house. I came out later for my bad habit and noticed that yes, the craddle was loaded in the back of the truck. I told Shan thank you and that I would thank Dad later but didn't know what to say.

I thought liquid courage would help. Half a pitcher of beer, 1/4 fried chicken, 1/2 valyummy, that should do the trick. Nope, no courage! Couldn't say anything not even thanks. What a coward am I? Anyhow, I figured that I could get a good nights sleep and say something in the morning. No sleep, not even with my little friend on board. By back aches and I'm not a morning person, not to mention, I don't drink the REAL coffee, decaf for me only and none in sight. I sniffed Shan's real coffee and sipped on my water. I went out for my bad habit only to realize that, nothing, not a damned word was said to me about our son. I was frustrated, ready to go home. I packed our bag, told Shan we need to go. We ensued small talk for a little while longer.

"Are you still doctering?" asked Bet. "If that's what you want to call it," I said. "I have one more test next month and then we'll see." That's all that was said, not a how are you or anything.

Am I mad? A little, we went through the worst life experience thus far and no one seems to understand up there what it is we've been through. We gave our hugs and kisses and I love you's and in the truck we went. I found out on our ride home that Dad didn't want to bring up the crib and had told Shan that sometimes, God does things for the best. Well, God sure fucked up this time, I told Shan. I know what Dad meant, he was trying to make the best out of our situation. It still doesn't help though. I can't fault him, he's had rough times too but he hasn't lost a child. Shan was his surprise, they weren't going to have anymore kids and then bam, here he is. Lucky them and lucky me that he was born, alive and healthy.

We made it home by 11:45 this morning, tired and crabby from the long ride, I'd like to take a nap but won't, afraid again of not sleeping tonight. Hugged the dogs, and cats and sat infront of the computer to type this out. I'm still thinking, should I have said something to them? Something to the effect of how much this all still hurts.

On the road again...

2008-04-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

just can't wait to get on the road again. (Thanks Willie, for the words!) Truly I CAN wait to get on the road again! We're headed to Shan's home town in Southeast Iowa tomorrow. It'll be a short trip but long too! The drive is four and a half hours each way and we're coming home Sunday morning. It's truly a trip for Shan but he says he wants to spend quality time with me...I think that's more like quantity time but hey, it's time right? I'll stop complaining about that, at least I have time.

I hope everyone had a good week and that it was a bit softer (easier) for all of you. For me it's been strange, I've been checking in and not commenting much which truly makes me feel bad. I just needed sometime to see where I was. I'm still not sure where that is. It's four months and I am feeling, I don't know how I'm feeling. It's not as harsh as it has been in the past, which I guess is good. I smile more, even when I think of William. I can look at babies in the store without wanting to throw up. I still can't hold one though. That's alright, all in due time right?

We're mushroom hunting and trying to avoid ticks(as if!). Found a few and will start noshing on them tonight...can't wait! Yummy! I used to dislike mushrooms or so I thought until Shan and "Big Daddy" made (not really) me try them. Now, I can't get enough...I'll eat them until I'm sick, which happens every year and every year, I say I won't eat so many! This year I am sure will be no different.

Let's go back a bit, I'm not ready for this trip to Shan's home. We haven't seen his family since we lost William. I'm not sure I can emotionally hold up during our short stay. I am taking my valyummy with me and will surely drink Saturday night at the best damned Chicken joint ever (yes, fried chicken and yes, the BEST!). Which, I guess isn't a bad thing as long as Shan drives!
I'm hoping that I don't have to answer 100 questions but I am hoping to answer a few. I'm hoping that they don't act as though nothing has happened. I don't think I can handle that and now, I'm too verbal to try to handle it quietly. I guess someone needs to help their souls if they DON'T say anything!

For now, I will hope and pray (not that they are ever answered!) that all goes well. I will not have Internet service while I am there, so I will most definitely catch up with you all on Sunday.
Thank you all for all of your support throughout the past months I do truly appreciate it. Without you all, I'd still be in bed with the covers over my head!

The end of the road

2008-04-20T18:38:00.001-07:00

Driving to work at 2:30am this morning, on an emergency call. Half asleep, driving to a hospital in town, trying to dial on my half dead cell phone, I hear tires squealing in front of me. I look up to see a VW Bug swerving to the right. I follow suit, luckily! I notice as I am less than 200 feet away a car in the middle of the road, rammed into the median on the highway, I notice less than a second after 2 teenagers running across the highway away from the car that is smashed. I miss the car and the kids, only to notice 6 other cars pulled aside, they must have seen the accident that had to of occured no more than 5 minutes prior to my passing through.

I keep driving, wondering if it was a dream. I reach for my phone to call the hospital to let them know that I am on my way, my hands are shaking. It must have been real, it's the only sign that I have any adrenaline in my body. It must not have been my time. Had I hit the car that was in the middle of the road, I not only would have totalled my car but driving 55 miles per hour I surely would have hurt myself, if not killed myself. Truth be known, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes, I did feel a force beyond my control pulling my car away from the wreckage, veering away from the kids in the middle of the highway. I cannot explain it but all I can say is that there was something beyond my control, keeping me from a horrific accident. Was it William? Was it my Guardian Angel? I have no clue, all I know is today as I tried to sleep the thought kept coming to my mind, it isn't my time, why? Why am I still here, what else do I have to accomplish here on earth? If I may be so bold, I believe that I have something great to accomplish here, whether it be having living children or something else, there is something to be done here.
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My sister, the wonderful person she is leaves a message on my machine, "Hi, Amy it's me B, it's about 6:15. I'm just calling to let you know that I don't have to work at church on Mother's Day. I didn't know what your plans are but call me." Knowing my sister, she's thinking about me. I call her back and tell her, that honestly, I haven't thought about it, I'm trying not to. I may very well stay at home in bed and pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away. She said, yes that could be a very good option but if you want to I can find somewhere for the kids to go and you and I can just go walk in the park or something. I love my family, they think about me, they think in advance about how crappy, a Hallmark day is going to be for me. I love that I have such a good family and that my sister of all people, is going above and beyond to take care of me and my feelings, B, I love you and I thank you for being my sister. I may not have been able to choose you but I am grateful that you are my friend and my sister!
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Last Round for music this week, found yet another one of my favorite songs that seems to fit the bill here in blogland. Pink Floyd - On the turning away:

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
Dont accept that whats happening
Is just a case of others suffering
Or youll find that youre joining in
The turning away

Its a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting its shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that were all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
Its not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

I am hoping that we don't keep getting the cold shoulder from friends and family and that there'll be no more turning away, from all of us.

I will more than likely be lurking this week, I'm worn out and crabby! Just know that I am thinking of you all and if I neglect to comment, it's not that I don't care, my words are failing me this week. Lack of sleep does that to you! Love you all!

Presto

2008-04-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

Aunt Becky got me thinking about music today. One of my all time favorite bands is Rush. One of their songs rings in my head, I hear it in my head, I read the lyrics again today and this is what it said.

Presto:

If I could wave my magic wand...
I am made from the dust of the stars
And the oceans flow in my veins
Here I hide in the heart of the city
Like a stranger coming out of the rain

The evening plane rises up from the runway
Over constellations of light
I look down into a million houses
And wonder what you're doing tonight

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd make everything all right
I'm not one to believe in magic
But I sometimes have a second sight
I'm not one with a sense of proportion
When my heart still changes overnight

I had a dream of a winter garden
A midnight rendezvous
Silver, blue and frozen silence
What a fool I was for you

I had a dream of the open water
I was swimming away out to sea
So deep I could never touch bottom
What a fool I used to be

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd set everybody free
I'm not one to believe in magic
Though my memory has a second sight

I'm not one to go pointing my finger
When I radiate more heat than light
Don't ask me I'm just improvising
My illusion of careless flight

Can't you see My
temperature's rising
I radiate more heat than light
Don't ask me I'm
just sympathizing
My illusions a harmless flight

Can't you see My
temperature's rising
I radiate more heat than light

I wish I could wave my magic wand and set all of us free from this pain. Today for me it seems to be less harsh than it has been. Of course, it helps that the sun is shining and the temperature is warming up. I think of you all everyday, yes, I am the ooshy gooshy type, so don't gag on it! I hope this weekend you all have a decent one and that you can find a little bit of magic somewhere.

Fade to black

2008-04-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

This is a story all about me, me, me!

I have been rethinking that first week, the cards, the calls, the flowers. I received a lot of nice condolences that first week and even the weeks to follow. The problem was, I didn't want condolences, I wanted congratulations. I wanted one person to say congratulations on being a parent. There was one person who said that in week 2, the visiting nurse. Wow, was she nice!

Then I have a friend who had asked my Dad if it would be alright to call me, sometimes hearing other peoples problems can take your mind off of things. WTF? I'm not too sure where she came from but when you lose a child there is nothing and I mean nothing that can take your mind off of your loss.

Hell, that first week, I was forced to eat by Shan and my Mom (she went to the store and spent WAY too much money on meals), I felt obligated to them. I spent most of my time in bed, taking a shower was work, it hurt, my breasts leaked and I would stand in the shower sobbing. Wondering why me, for fucks sake why me? My favorite curse word, FUCK, came back into play. I had tried so hard to give up my sailor like vocabulary for the sake of William and the fear that his first word would be fuck! It came back with a vengeance, to this day I do think that I use it more than before my world turned dark.

I have been reliving what my life was like prior to that week, I was happy go lucky, on the "down hill slope" of pregnancy and looking forward to being a Mom. Albeit a crazed Mom but a Mom none the less. I had not a care in the world, my relationship solid, finances under control, bills paid, etc.

Now, I still have nightmares about skipping a bill, my relationship although not strained has some tension (all I do is talk about what if, he still doesn't talk much, he doesn't know what to say), finances, well, I'm a firm believer in retail therapy and it's not the good kind either! I spend as though I have a money tree in my front and back yards! I'll get it together one day!

I'm not feeling dark and dreary today just really tired and I am wondering if it has to do with the depression side of things or if I am now just totally bored with my life so I don't care if I stay awake or not.

I crawl into bed grab William's bear and kiss his little forehead. I tell him I love him, put in my ear plugs (Shan's snoring and Sasha's snoring are all too loud for me) I roll over on my tummy, slowly let my lids shut and the room fades to black.

I did just this minus the earplugs this afternoon. The room faded to black, when I awoke, it was with a fear and wonder. The dream, it was a girl, she was in my arms, loving on me holding my cheeks and I have to wonder, was she mine? Am I ever going to see my little man in my dreams? Why a little girl? Who is she and what does she mean by being in my dreams?

I think for now, I should let it rest and just try to let the daylight, fade to black.

Welcome to my Merry Go Round!

2008-04-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

My Merry Go Round just goes round and round!

I have a happy thing to share with you all, Aunt Becky (not William's biological Aunt Becky but William's and my friend, Aunt Becky) got William this lovely Peter Rabbit:

She also got me gifts, as if Peter wasn't enough. She sent me some Burt's Bee's (some of my absolute favorite stuff!) and the most adorable He.ll.o Ki.tt.y Pen in what else but William's color, purple. It's one of those cool ones with the 4 different colors in it. Great for work!

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I attended my RE appt. today...I think I'm in love! He was the most considerate person. His first statement was, "you've had a very hard year!" I wanted to say, "no SHIT!" but I didn't because his smile and sincerity were just beaming! He came in sat down and said, these are the 2 things I think we need to do, he handed me a print-out on HSG to which I said, "that's what I want!" He replied with, "not a problem!" We then talked about a 2 hour Glucose Tolerance Test. Which is fine by me as I am in a higher risk category for diabetes anyhow! My paternal grandmother was diagnosed at 13 and my maternal grandmother has geriatric onset diabetes. Those combined with the fact that I am SHORT and FAT, put me in a higher risk. So, those are the two things that we will do, if they come back fine and dandy then, off the foam and "rubber duckies" we will go!

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I do believe I forgot to mention above that my insurance being the P.O.C. (piece of crap) that it is will not pay for my HSG. Why you ask...I have a preexisting condition on my policy that does not allow for coverage of "female disorders." As if this is really a disorder but whatever! So to say the least, I get to come up with a bundle of dough by the beginning of next month! I still believe it will be worth it.

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My lovely car, she sputtered when I drove her yesterday, that kind of lurch sputter that scares you. I honestly thought she'd blow up! I drove her anyway...then the engine light came on! I got her home, took Shan for a ride, "something electrical, anyhow, you need to take it in and have them hook it up to a computer to see what the problem is." So, to the shop we went today, I dropped off my car, picked up a rental. What a loverly rental too, I think it is what I will buy in the next month or so. A F.or.d Ed.ge, very nice with Sy.nc. hands free phoning system. All of which I liked. My car was fixed early, still a p.o.c. but it'll work for now. $800 later and I'm still wondering how many car payments that would have been on my new Ed.ge!

**************************************

Back to a happy place, or well happier than I have been in the past, yesterday was William's 4 month birthday, had he stayed with us. I spent the day with my Mother and then went to my Grandmother's house. Two women that I love more than anything and they both make me happy when I spend time with them. I do believe that I spent time with them so I wouldn't be alone dwelling on William's day. It worked. It's not as though I didn't speak of him, I did but it just didn't seem so difficult and sad. Maybe, just maybe the light is shining at the end of the tunnel. Of course, I am sure that it will be dark again soon but for now, I'll accept what happiness I can find.

**************************************

Wishing you all peace and lots o' love this week! The Merry Go Round ain't so bad, at least you get to revisit the same spot, it just seems to hurt a little less every time around. (poor grammar, yes, get used to it and then just get over it!)

Over the moon?

2008-04-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

Maybe, I guess a little bit! I went to the RE's office to turn in my paperwork this morning and they scheduled me on the spot for an appointment Monday! Yeah, me! Seems they will do the testing I want but wouldn't do anything to "enhance" a pregnancy until we get that damned piece of paper!

All in all it's a good thing and wow, I can get answers! I only want answers to see if I am as the chromosomal studies came back and said "normal!" What ever the hell normal really is! I've never felt normal.

So, questions to you all...what do I need to ask for? What tests should I have done and where should I go from here? All the help I can get would be greatly appreciated! I have a list of lab work, from one good friend now I need the rest of what should be done before we proceed to make a baby!

Must.Post.This

2008-04-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

This was in my local paper today. Jennifer, is a friend of mine from support group. Although, it's in the paper with last-nights BIG win for KU...I'm sure there will be plenty of readers and I want to share it with you all too!

http://www.kansascity.com/238/story/564766.html

If...

2008-04-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

I do believe we all have thoughts in our head that allow us to wish big. My big wish has always been to win the Powerball! I have always had ideas as to what I would do with this money. One of which has never changed, that would be to build my dream house. All of the other items almost always change save taking care of my family financially.

Since, William's death the thoughts run rampant, in the days after his delivery into this world, my only thought was, it wouldn't matter, money won't buy me the only think I truly want. Hell, I don't even have a child to spend it on!

Now, today my thoughts are different. If I won the big one my list goes something like this:

1. Start building my dream house (or, I should say OUR dream house so Shan won't get mad!)

2. Travel to meet all of the wonderful people in blogland

3. Purchase a trip for all bloglanders to go and relax together...on a beach, with drinks, and full service!

4. Put my money where my mouth is...Advocacy for parents in our shoes.

5. Stillbirth research and anything to do with any reason someone has lost a child!

6. The rest are truly personal (not ooo, yuck personal but personal none the less!)

So, what would you do if you won the big one? Where would you go? Who would you take care of? Give me something to laugh at! I kind of need it today!

ETA: My biggest wish truly would be that my son were here with me today and that all of your children were too. I guess, as politely as I can, I'm saying I wish I never met you. I hope that doesn't sound rude, I do believe you know what I mean. See, I need a laugh...I just don't have one inside of me.

Achey Breaky Heart

2008-04-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

This is a very short post in regards to Postsecret today.

The lady with the stillborn son, it breaks my heart to see others in our sinking ship. My heart aches for her and all of us in this "club" that we don't want to be in.

My only consolation some days is all of you, for that I am thankful. I think some times, I wouldn't have met any of you had my son not died. Therefore, I'm not happy that I met you but glad that I found you. There are other days that I believe, I would have met you somehow even if my son had lived. I'm a believer in the universe (as sick as it may be) it has it's ways of putting us together as friends. I just wish it didn't seem that this (stillbirth/losing a child) was the reason we are all together now.

Wishing you all peace in your journey ahead, and hoping I find some peace too.

A letter to my Angel

2008-04-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

Friday April 4, 2008
8:50Am

My Dearest William,

I was outside this morning talking to you my sweet William. I told you that as much as I miss you I know you are safe. The wind blew and touched my face; I knew then that you heard me. I told you that you would be in everything I do, always, the wind blew harder as if to smack my face (I was having a cigarette) I told you that not in that (my smoking) I told you in what I did for others and myself would reflect you. The birds started singing. I giggled because the traffic was loud yet, I could hear the birds, and I knew you were here with me today. I looked to the sky and just as miraculously as you (a hawk) appeared, I watched you soar and looked again and you disappeared into the clouds as I thanked you for stopping by today.
I love you little man! I thank you for arriving when I need you and wiping away my tears. I thank you for being my first-born, my son, and the love in my life. I know that as much as I miss you, I need to focus on what I have in my life, your Daddy, your Grandpa Wayne, Grammi, Pappa, Grandpa, Angie, Aunt Becky and the kids, and all of our wonderful friends. You will always be in my heart, no matter where I go. My love, I cannot express how much I miss you but I know that you know!

More than the moon, the stars and the sun, I love you!

P.S. I promise to quit smoking! I do, I just need to be a stronger person than what I am now. It is something I will work on for all of us. Just remember, I didn’t smoke when you were with me, I started again, because, I was stressed, now I really have no excuse, I’m just weak!

(To readers: Please don't nag me because of my bad habit, I know it's bad! I will quit, in my time. I don't need nagging from those I don't live with! Thank you for your support!)

The Million Dollar Baby

2008-04-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

That isn't even here. Little did I know when all of this came to pass, I'd be spending a small fortune.

I have paid the hospital and the O.B.'s office not nearly what I thought it would be. Color me happy for that! I have seen a Perinatologist who in turn told me nothing else needs to be done for a subsequent pregnancy, I really didn't give him too much moolaa either. But now, the RE's here in town will not work with un-married couples! Well, bite me! Not only will the 3 most highly recommended ones in town not help me because we are not married but hell, they wouldn't even just run tests. I don't need help, that I know of to get pregnant, I need help sustaining a pregnancy. So that I might have a living child. I want answers dammit!

I put a call into a highly recommended RE in Chicago, an eight hour drive or one hour flight from home. Come to find out that my insurance is out of network. Yeah, me...here come the big bucks! I'm lucky I have a free ticket to fly but a rental car, hotel, and all expenses for the testing and of course my crap eating habits while I am there! I do believe I'm looking at a large chunk of change. My little guy isn't even here and yet, because he's not I'm spending money hand over fist to make sure I am a physically sound Mom. Isn't that just plain sad?!

I know the more tests that I have run, I still may not get any answers but maybe a peace of mind. I'm not even sure if that is what I am looking for. I don't know WTF, I am looking for anymore.

I feel like a Mom who's child has been kidnapped (no, I don't want an argument here, I just want to vent!) I can't find him anywhere. I've searched the house, the yard outside, the mall, the grocery store, but he's not here...where do I look from here? I feel short of calling the police to ask "would you put out an Am.b.er Aler.t?" Of course, we all know that won't do me any good.

So I guess, I'm searching not for my son but for me, for the answers I need to know that I am, well, I guess, all right(body wise/uterus, etc). All right to move forward with trying to have another child that will survive, will make it to this earth breathing. Do I sound crazy? Probably but at this point, I don't think I care. I will do what it takes to make sure I have a great chance at bringing home a living baby and not ashes or despair.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

2008-03-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

What the fuck ever! I know, I'm full of crap, I just like to pretend that it'll all get better from here! What I really need to say is this...I'm so damned tired of feeling this way.

I am sad and angry all of the time and it takes absolutely nothing to set me off. This is all so unfair and instead of searching for misplaced items in my house I should be nursing my son. Instead of yelling at someone, I should be sitting in my rocking chair rocking my son. The ringers should be off on the phones and I should be napping when I can. I should have a nursery instead of a guest room. I should have a lot of things and instead I am feeling as though I have nothing.

Don't get me wrong, my imaginary (you in my computer, that's what my mom calls you all!) friends, have and do help tremendously but I am feeling like the one person who should get it doesn't. That one person being, Shan. Instead of talking he shuts down and gets angry about the most insanely stupid crap. Then it starts the domino effect...I start slow and build, then I cry and get really mad! Why can't I support him? He doesn't talk! How can you support someone when they don't talk?

For fucks sake is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to have one full decent day? A day without tears, a day without anger, a day without the utter sadness that I feel?
Yes, again, another rough day and to be honest I thought I was doing alright today...guess not!

Grammi's cool Easter gifts for William

2008-03-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here is William's Easter Lamb and Bunny from his Grammi, the picture of the backside is the gumball that the lamb is built on. The bunny has the same butt, you'll just have to imagine it!

Not a large sum but thankful just the same and Becky, you Rock!

2008-03-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

Before reading, Becky's blog or Heather's for that matter. I took it upon myself to pay for the lady behind me in the Starbucks (yeah, they are everywhere) drive-thru. I asked the cashier to hand the lady a card that states: "An act of kindness in memory of my son, William Henry Johnson Born Still December 13, 2007 Born still...but still born. Always loved...never forgotten." It wasn't a large amount of money but it did make me thankful to do something just the same.

It made me feel good and sad all at the same time, how I would love to do this in honor instead of in memory. Why today? Well, as most of you already know, yesterday was Williams original due date and yesterday, I just didn't have it in me to be kind to anyone, including myself. So today, I chose to be kind, to share the story of my son (the short version) with a stranger. I hope that it made the lady behind me happy to get a free drink, I know it made me a little more happy to share my son today.

I don't know how to thank Becky, a non-loss Mom, for all of the kind things she does for all of us. I think the best way to thank her is to donate to my favorite's on my list of Tithing's (baby loss tithing's that is) in honor of Alex and in memory of all of our little ones. She got the ball rolling so how about you?! Are you in? If yes, then I then I would like to hear about what wonderful thing you have done to pay it forward.

Again, Becky thank you for being who you are, a wonderful, loving woman. We all would like Alex to know how much you, his Mommy, ROCKS!

Take it to the limit

2008-03-27T11:15:00.001-07:00

one more time (stolen from the Ea.gl.es). Well, I get pushed and I get pushed. To be honest, I don't know which way to turn. Yesterday, was Williams Original due date also, Shan's Mom's birthday (May she Rest in Peace, while holding our son). I managed to get through. Some incredibly rough patches of crying and screaming but I'm here today! So, let me get onto the pushing part!

A friend I have known since kindergarten who has absolutely no intentions of hurting me, emailed today. Two guesses what the email says and the first one doesn't count! Oh, yes, I'm sure you got it right both times! She's pregnant with her 2nd, 15 weeks and expecting mid September. I just don't know how to respond. Yes, I'm happy for her but I am too angry and sad for myself to email her back. I love her, she's always been there for me but now, she doesn't know how to be there for me. The only ones that do are my family and you all. Which mind you isn't bad but it hurts like hell that others lives get to move on and I'm in a holding pattern of doctors appointments and sperm strike!

So, I pose the question to all of you, how the hell do I respond to her email politely while explaining my pain? She knows what we have been going through but how do I tell her it's worse than she thinks? Any assistance would be greatly appreciated as, I am horribly afraid of coming of rude and spiteful (computers don't allow for tone of voice).

William's uber cool Grammi

2008-03-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

(Grammi was the winner at the egg hunt! Not!
The kids were worn out and their baskets too heavy so
Grammi hung on to the baskets for them!)

William's Grammi truly is uber cool! Of course, I would think that, I am her daughter!

I talked to my Mom this evening and found out that she got William the most cool Easter gift. A little gumball/sugar lamb with a purple ribbon around his neck. Now, purple is the color I associate with William. It has been since the day he was brought into this world. You see everything we got from the hospital in regards to him was purple. So purple is his color.

The extra cool thing is, I was standing outside this morning wishing I could make it to the store that sells these cute little things. I just knew I didn't have time. So, I had decided that next year I would get two of these little collectible (edible if you're a kid) treats.

I don't have to wait until next year! My Mom, being the awesome Grammi she is got William his. She said, "I should have gotten it the other day, I just didn't know how you would feel." Funny thing is, my Mom always knows how I feel. She was afraid of pushing the envelope too far. Now she knows that's not possible! Not where her little grandson is concerned. She went and picked out what she had originally wanted to get and got it! I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited!

Thank you Mom! I love you more than the moon and the stars and the sun and so does William!

William's first Easter

2008-03-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

(William's new bunny with his bear)

We got through Easter with a few bumps but got through none the less. I started off crying, I know that William is too small to hunt Easter eggs but I so wanted to get him a basket, instead I got him a stuffed Easter Bunny, I'm sure I will have millions of stuffed animals before my lifetime is done here. Shan understands, he lets me cry. He doesn't say much, he is a man of few words. This day was hard for him too. Like so many other parents out there who do not have their children with them today we too had dreams. We had dreams of our little man all bundled watching his cousins act crazy at the family Easter egg hunt.

As I sit here typing away, I think of all the things I wanted to say to my little man yesterday, I wanted to tell him why Easter exists. No, we are not religious people but I do so like the religious stories behind certain holidays. I wanted to tell him that his cousins are crazy and no, they don't really need all that sugar but they'll eat it just the same.

I also think of how we are planning Williams memorial service. What a horrid thing to plan. We are supposed to be tired from a baby keeping us up instead we are tired because we are depressed. Shan, the man of few words said he'd like a friend of ours a Reverend, to come say a few words at Williams service. Wow, that struck me hard. William's poor Daddy, thinking about his service and how to do it "right," whatever that might be. He says things and not a tear in his eye but a lost look. He looks so sad, his baby boy isn't here. We had so many dreams that were dashed so rapidly.

This day, the day after Easter isn't much easier. I wake up and kiss William's bear, I tell William that I love him and that I will try to be strong today. Wishing all the while I was kissing him and not his bear.

I hope all of your Easters had some happy times. I know for most of us the sad times prevail. I hope for all of you a little peace as this year passes. I hope next Easter isn't so hard. I hope to get William's memorial service planned and done "right!" I hope for so many things and so many of the things I hope for are not things that will come true but I hope, I have that at least, hope.

A special one for Kalakly

2008-03-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hoppy Easter to all and to all a good night!

I less than three all of you!

2008-03-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

(so cute a sideways heart!)

Awww, how sweet! Lovely G. at makes us stronger, has bestowed upon me a wonderful honor! Now so you all know I less than 3 everyone here. If it hadn't been for all of you I might as well have left my big girl panties in a ball in my drawer for the last 3 months!

I so appreciate all that each of you do for me here (not to get all sappy and shit! But, hey you know what happens when I start writing!) that whole in the computer friendship thing is so nice!

So, I will pass this on to 4 lovely women! Only because otherwise, I would do my whole blog roll! So, here it goes! Shaina at Open Window...you have given me so much strength in the last week and I truly appreciate all of it! Also, Shaina needs others to help her through a rough go of having to move and make big transitions in the near future! Beth at Taking Chances, one because she's a hometown girl and 2 she honestly is a sweetheart having a rough go of trying to get prego! My other dear friend, H. at Yummy Sushi Pajamas, she makes me laugh, think, not want to eat and I think of her and her little guy all the time. Lastely but not least by any means! C., at My resurfacing, my heart breaks when I think about you and your Callum and the pain we all experience. Yet I find solace in what you write.

Now mind you I think of all of our children everyday! I would like eventually to do a scroll on my blog with all of our babies names. I say so many of them out loud each day, I try to keep all of them alive for all of us.

Again, G. I so appreciate this wonderful honor and to all of my friends out there I less than three each of you!

Put on your big girl panties and step out into the world!

2008-03-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

(Thanks, G. for the picture for the post!)

I awoke today with a turn in my stomach, my annual pap was at 10:00am (rescheduled from last week thanks to Mother Nature, my period starting 3 days before I had planned!). I went in the office thinking I could put my big girl panties on and they would stay up. I was alright when I arrived, only two women in the office both older and not within child bearing age. I checked in with the cheery receptionist who said, "no changes to insurance? Have you been in within the last year?" to which I laughed and replied "most definitely." Thinking of course, do they ever check a chart around here? As I sat in the waiting room, in walked three, yes three pregos and one Mommy with her little one in a carrier. The receptionist asked the one with the tyke in tow, "how old is HE?" "six weeks," she replied. Me sitting there thinking oh, great how much more of this do I have to hear? Oh, so much more to come! She sits down next to a prego and the prego says, "I can't wait to get to that point, I only have seven more weeks left." "The last two months are hell," replies the Mommy. I'm thinking to myself, A. do I have my ipod with me and B. shut the hell up, bad things happen to good people. Finally, I get called back, "please step on the scale." "How are you?" "I'm here," I reply. "I don't know if that's bad or good," replies the cute little nurse. "It's NOT my favorite place to be," I say. She drops all other conversation and states, "have a seat in the small waiting area, if you need the restrooms they are right down the hall." Once again, I want to say, "Hello, B, I have been here too many times to count and the last time was NOT, I repeat, NOT a happy time." I however keep my mouth shut and sit down. I stare at my shoes, and the picture on the wall away from all of the other people who are yes, pregnant. I think to myself, I'm alright, I'm doing alright. WRONG!!! In comes Mommy with her 6week old boy and sits yes, right next to me with the carrier sitting at my toes. I'm OK, I can do this. The baby starts to whimper and my first thought is to grab him and run, my second thought which is what I did was to run to the end of the hall. I get to the end of the hall and stare out the window, looking at the clouds and praying with all of my might that they will call me soon. I wait ten minutes and get called, I find my solace in my little room, where my BP is taken and I'm told to undress and wait, the doctor will be in shortly. 30 minutes later the doctor arrives and she hugs me and says she is so sorry and yes, she too is nine months pregnant. No, I don't look at her tummy and she knows why. We talk and I cry and she says someday she hopes I will be where she is. I say I hope so too. She has suffered IF, for years, so I sort of feel a connection (not that I suffer from IF, but she too has had hopes dashed.) I leave feeling a bit better but realizing that my big girl panties have fallen around my ankles and I thought they would stay up.

I came home and slept, worked my way through the rest of the day, I managed to pull my panties back up. I seemed to be doing better. My sister called, she had left a message, so I returned her call. She wanted to tell me something, she didn't know whether or not she should but she decided it best. What is this thing she wanted to tell me? My nephew, my sweet lovable nephew who is going to be 9 this month, told her, "I wish Aunt Amy would have told me earlier that she was pregnant." "Why?" my sister asked. "Because, maybe I wouldn't have wrestled with her so hard, or jumped on her, maybe William would still be here." Big girl panties falling again, I cry, "no, no, no, he, there wasn't anything he did wrong. I will talk to him but I want to talk to him in person." B, my sister says, "he's been so quiet for the last couple of days, I didn't know what was wrong until he brought this up." My nephew is not the quiet type. Only when he is sad. I hung up with my sister after the tears and the usual I love yous. I thought for a minute and called my Mom, I did the usual talk with her, hung up and decided to call my nephew. If he was thinking about this I didn't want him to have a sleepless night. So I called, "Hey L & M it's Aunt Amy, may I speak to BC?", "just a minute we'll get him." BC comes to the phone and I say, "BC, I don't really want to get into this on the phone but I do want you to know, you had nothing to do with William not being here." "I know" comes a sad voice. " Do you really know?" I ask. He says,"Hey, do you remember when we were at the lake? Did you swallow any water? I mean because if you did, the germs could have..." "BC, no, I didn't swallow any water and nothing..." "But remember you were trying to get me away from your tummy and you were tired that day, you were pregnant but we didn't know it yet, you didn't tell us." "BC, there is nothing you did wrong. There is nothing any of us here on earth could have done to prevent this. We have no answers but it definitely was not you." "O.K." he says. (Niece crying in the background b/c she wants in on the conversation.) We decide to leave it at that and talk later, my Niece is a Drama Queen! She gets loud and we decide to leave it be for now. I tell him I love him and to please remember there is nothing he did wrong, nothing he could have possibly done to have made William not be here. Big girl panties are back around my ankles again.

I live in the mid west, big girl panties is something we utilize to put on our game faces. My panties didn't want to cooperate today, they didn't want to stay up, my game face was no good. My true feelings came through and my heart breaks everyday that William is not with us. I guess it'll be another day when I decide to put on my big girl panties and step into the world, until then, I think I'll stick to my training pants and put my thumb in my mouth and cry.

Selfish little brat!

2008-03-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

This last week has been so difficult. Who knew that three months was going to be such a hard time. Shan and I are talking but not as much as I would like. I cry. He works. I cry. He keeps busy. I cry. He tries to calm me.

Truth be told he's hurting really bad this month too. All of the reminders, Saturday was the day the Doctors had given us for our 2nd due date. They kept bouncing it around. I found out yesterday that my sisters friend who was due the 26th (William's original due date), is being induced on the 17th (this is the day that I swore William would be born as we are not Irish but we do have the drinking down!) to say the least I'm happy for her but I am also very sad. For reasons I am sure you all know!

Shan and I talked tonight, I would like to try again for another baby, he on the other hand doesn't think he can do it. He most definitely cannot go through losing another child. Losing William has broken him. He doesn't talk because he just truly doesn't know what to say to me and to be honest, I talk enough for everyone! I just feel as though he is holding it all in and one day he's going to blow. I would have to say that frightens me. What else frightens me is this: I am selfish!

I realized this tonight after our discussion, it seems as though he has some fears about his own health and is afraid that he will not be around for as long as I seem to think he will be. The selfish sides of me are saying, well, if something happens to you I don't want to be left alone, I want a child of ours to be here with me. (I'm reading this again and freaking out...what a B am I?!)I don't want to be left alone here. Please, don't leave me alone here without someone to hold on to that looks like you and reminds me of you.

Now, let me state that there has not been any reason for me to think that Shan will, ok, I'll say it...die any time soon. He has a pain that is undiagnosed and will be taken care of in the next month so, no really there is no reason to worry. Wow, there's the optimist in me again! Glad she's back for a bit! Yet, ok lets play the pessimist game. What if...what if there is a problem and I do lose him too. No, I cannot survive that , I don't think I even want to go there. But if I had to, I think the only way to survive is to have a child here that is ours. Someone I have to be responsible for. So, I guess wanting a child is now for very selfish reasons.

No, I am not through the pain of losing William and physically and mentally we couldn't start to try again for a couple of months at least. However, I want to know that the possibility is still there. It used to be and I think he vacillates just as much as I do on this particular subject. Lucky for him he's not selfish. Sad for me I am!

It's your day...

2008-03-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

and I'll cry if I want to.

Today you would be three months old.

What a mile stone that is. I wish you were here with us.

We miss you more than words can say.

We hope you know what is in our hearts.

We wish for you peace where you are.

We hope you are playing with Sammy Cat.

We love you more than the moon the stars and the sun.

(To readers: If you turn your volume up you can hear the song that links us to our William)

Three long months

2008-03-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks three months since we found out we lost our little man. Today marks three months since the last time I was blissfully happy. How I wish I could be that happy still and counting the days until he is here. Instead, I'm counting still the days we have been without him here with us. It hit me this evening. I miss William, I miss him more than words can say.

Along with missing him I actually miss the old me. The me who didn't always think what if, or I'm really not sure how much longer I have here on earth. Not that I mind thinking the latter, I used to but not now. It just doesn't seem so bad now. I know when my time comes I will get to see my sweet little boy and hold him and kiss him for all of eternity.

This week is going to be difficult this I know. The dates fall exactly the same as they did that dreadful week three months ago. Only this week to top it all off, I have my annual Pap! Oh, yeah, instead of going in for and u/s or to pee in a cup or hear a heart beat, I get to have that fab speculum shoved you know where and swabbed! Oh, yeah for me!

Yes, this week will be hard. I will however work my way through it, I will wish for next week to be better and this week to hurry up and end! Maybe just once the universe will work in my favor and make it a little easier on me! We can all hope can't we?!

Wonderful People...

2008-03-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

Did anyone see the Today Show today? There was a story about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It is very touching. I wish when William was born I had known about these people. I found out about them when it was too late. I support them all the way! I think the work they do is awesome and I hope that more people are aware that they exist. Please take a look at the video, it was too large to load so you'll have to follow the link.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435

In other news...

2008-03-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

There's a new kid on the block, Lisa, please go give her a warm welcome to this "club" of ours!
She lost her 2 boys in December due to IC.

I'm working with a woman who started an advocacy group in our area. Hopefully, it will be up and fully running by the end of the year. I know it's a long time however, these things take time and patience. I'm excited about working with her. She lost her child in 1978, born still. She has so much insight and is working on getting the Missing Angels Act in other states.

The weather here is definitely, Midwest! Welcome to Misery, oops Missouri is so true! 70 today and 30 tomorrow with snow! Oh,yeah! More over time for Shan.

I'm not sure what else is actually new but we have a lot of things ahead of us, a lot of hard times.
I'm working on Williams memorial service, not sure when it's going to be, definitely this month but we are waiting on the weather (mother nature) to cooperate with us. If you all have any suggestions I am open to what ever would make the day more memorable than it already will be. Williams due date is the 26th of this month, so I'm not looking forward to that or maybe I am, I'm not sure yet! I have phantom baby kicks which scare me and make me think he's still here. Of course, he's not which is sad to say more than likely a good thing right now as I am sick, I can hardly breath, if he were still with me I'd be huge and not able to breath! Don't know if either of us would make it! Not to say I wouldn't be willing to give it a try. Hell yeah, I'd try if it meant that I could watch him grow up instead of planning his memorial service.

We'll see how this week progresses, it's still very difficult but with the help of you all and my IRL friends, Shan and my family I will exit the extra hellish roller coaster some day and just enter the hell coaster! Thank you all for all of your support! I need it!

Another Update

2008-03-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

This one is not about me or William!

This one is for my friend C. the one I told you about with the hyster and all.

She called yesterday. She's doing alright. As best as can be expected.
She's on the roller coaster! She feels as though she had a triple whammy.
1st she lost her son, then she almost lost her life, then she lost the ability to carry a child of her own. They left her ovaries, which is a good thing of course.

She and her husband have opted to adopt. They had opted for that even before all of the other bad stuff happened.

She is strong, she will make it through the fire but not without some help. We will get together next week for lunch and a chat. Her boat is different than mine but she doesn't begrudge me what I may still be able to have. She is a caring, loving person who believes truly that everything happens for a reason and that there was a plan long before anything actually happened. She has her faith.

Thank you all for your kind words regarding C., I will pass them on to her when I see her.

I Got it!

2008-02-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

Today in the mail I received Williams Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth.
You know the part that made me cry? It says Child's Name: William Henry Johnson, see he is a child! He isn't a fetus as the Fetal Death Report says. He's a child and it makes me sad that I had to fight for a damned piece of paper but I did!

I got it! I now have all of the ammo I need to contact my state representatives which mind you one lives 10 minutes away and I voted for him! Now, he can return the favor! Being as he had a sign in my yard and yes I am a constituent, favor must now be returned!

I will take him pictures of my son, tell him my story and tell him the fight I had to get the piece of paper I wanted! I will tell him that NO woman should ever have to fight for this, that I will help however I can to make sure no other woman ever has to go through what I did. I'll keep you posted!

As you can tell I am happy that I got this piece of paper but I am sad too. It almost solidifies the fact that the only way I have my son is in ashes and paper. Not the way a mother wants to bring her child home. Yet in the same respects with this paper I feel I have now truly brought William home.

A Rant about living in a Missing Angels State

2008-02-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

My state offices seem not to understand the importance of this bill that was passed in 2004. It states that I can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth (COB)for my son. It states that I delivered my son, yes, that even though he did not take a breath on this earth I birthed him. He was born. Why is it so difficult for others to understand that I need this piece of paper as an acknowledgement for myself, for my son.

I sent off for Williams death certificate and got that back without a problem. I then sent in the application for the COB. I received in the mail once again, a certificate of fetal death for my son. Mind you the applications are completely different for both pieces of paper.

I let it sit for a few days and then started to fume. I want my sons birth certificate dammit, what do I have to do? I went to my local vital stats office. The lady inside incredibly nice but unknowing, called the state office in Jeff City. She then handed me the phone, "what is it you are wanting?" said the voice on the other end of the phone. "I am wanting a Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth for my son and your office keeps sending me a Fetal Death Certificate." "Well, Ma'am, that's all you'll get, it cannot be ammended to a birth certificate." Me steaming and crying now..."you mean to tell me that your office will break the laws that are in effect for people like me? Never mind you, I will contact the Govenor myself and report that the laws are being broken in state offices." I hung up the phone.

Now, I have yet to contact my Governor as I was trying any route to get what I wanted without stirring the pot before I got it. I have since sent a letter, politely stating my request, 2 applications for the COB, the duplicate copy of the fetal death report, and a copy of the LAW to the supervisor at the Vital Statistics office in Jefferson City, MO! I then emailed the MISS Foundation to give them a heads up. She reported that even in Arizona (the 1st state to enact the bill) she is still having problems with this law being implemented. My best bet to prevent others from going through this added pain...contact my legislators and or go to the vital statistics office in my state capital, with the law in hand. I'm not opposed to doing any or all of the above. I would actually like it if they would hand me a computer with a program on it so I could personally handle request like mine. I would like someone in their office to know what it means to a parent in our shoes to get a piece of paper. I would like just once for one of their idiots to say, " I am sorry for your loss, I will get this handled promptly!"

So, I am still waiting for my sons BIRTH CERTIFICATE to arrive. I know they received the letter and request as I sent it all certified mail. When I get that certificate I will be contacting all of my public office officials to show them what it is that we, women in our shoes rightfully deserve. To show them the law that was passed and signed by my Governor in 2004. I will make sure they know I am not going away...not until this issue is fixed! I will do whatever it takes to make it easy or easier for someone to receive a Birth Certificate resulting in Stillbirth for their child. For their records!

If there is one thing that has come from the loss of my son that I find to be "good" it is the fact that I now want to advocate for parents of stillborns I now want to be on the inside for the rest of my life. I want to help, and yes, I guess in a way it will be helping me work through my sons death.

Edited to add: Please see Update

Tag Round 3

2008-02-26T17:07:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged again! This time by Beth at Taking Chances, this one involves books! I haven't read anything fun in a while but I do have one of my short favorites right here! The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

The Rules!:

Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people.

Page 123, 5th - 8th Sentences:

She would have to send her kisses on the wind, hoping that the wind would touch the boy's face, and would tell him that she was alive. That she was waiting for him, a woman awaiting a courageous man in search of his treasure. From that day on, the desert would represent only one thing to her: the hope for his return.

I guess all I can do is hope for Williams return somehow too! My courageous little man I wish I knew what the treasure he went to find was!? Oh wait, according to the Alchemist it's his life and love.

So, I will ask, CLC, Antigone, Kalakly, C., and Coggy to do this one for me! Antigone, stay away from the medical journals!

The LIST!

2008-02-25T20:09:00.000-08:00

So, I've been "hit" by C., to do Kalakly's, LIST (the guys or gals you can sleep with while married without it actually being considered cheating!) meme. I have to say my guys have changed over the years one of which recently passed away. Heath Ledger...if I see him in the spirit world I will jump his bones! Here are the pics an explanation of sorts follow the pics! Enjoy! Thanks for letting me get it all out there!

So here's the explanation well sort of!

1. Willie Nelson, I know, Shan gives me the" eww" too! But hey the man can sing and that's all he has to do and I melt!

2. Josh Holloway...Hello, look at that bod...yes, I'd do him proper!

3. John Hannah, that Scottish accent, oh baby! I fell for him when he played "James" in Sliding Doors with Gwenyth Paltrow (who I think is hot but I wouldn't go there!)

4. John Travolta...hello, have you seen GREASE? For that matter have you seen anything he's been in?

5. Jared Leto...from My So Called Life, is he not just totally yummy?!

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr., yes I know I share this one with Kalakly, no we can NOT share him! He's mine, mine, mine!

So, the girls I will hit with this one are Antigone and Ange and Jennifer . Enjoy girls!