Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
-William Shakespeare

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
-Rose Kennedy

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Shadows and thank you

I joined the Y yesterday. I love the facilities. The tour was fabulous and pretty much sold me on the fact that yes, I need to lose a ton of weight. Tonight was my first water aerobics class, a.) I love the water b.) I'm currently too heavy to bounce around on a floor for aerobics c.) I have a friend who does this with me. It was a high intensity class, I pushed myself and I now have tons of energy.

Being as it is a family place there were children there. It was alright, even the baby strollers and babies. What got to me was when the instructor grabbed a book and said, "I'd like you to remember, that if you look to the sun, you cannot see the shadows." I teared up. I like the shadows. I like the sun but I like the shadows more, the shadows make me remember where I have been. This shadow I live in will always follow me, it is the shadow of my life.

The new me however will with a lot of work have a smaller, thinner shadow. This shadow will still be that of my past life, but will hold a little bit of sun for my future.


Thank you, too all who commented on my last post. I didn't mean to sound so angry. I'm not. I know now that I need to be the one to instigate conversation about William. I need to start being who I was before and not caring who I upset in this process. I know that sounds cold, I'm not cold, I promise. I have a need to talk about my son. I have to be the one who initiates these conversations and from now on I will be.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Of a craddle, beer and chicken

The trip was short. We got into MP around 11:00am, we loaded the steel we came to pick up. We went to Jerry's for our pizza and drove on into Shan's dad's house. All in all we were done with what we came for by 12:00 noon. We could have just turned around and come back home. We didn't, we wanted to spend time with Dad and eat at our favorite chicken place.

When we got to the house, Dad, wanted to load us up with whatever he thought we could use in the shop (read Shan's big dog house, for himself to play in!). We got a filing cabinet, a rolling hanger rack (not sure why but we did!), then it was time for more shelves, my heart sank. Sitting in front of the truck in the garage was the most beautiful craddle, hand made by Dad, it had been passed from child to child and was to be Williams. I couldn't bear it, I whispered to Shan, what about the craddle? Well, ask him, Shan said. That ensued a minor argument of, I don't want to cause I'll cry. I stomped back in the house. I came out later for my bad habit and noticed that yes, the craddle was loaded in the back of the truck. I told Shan thank you and that I would thank Dad later but didn't know what to say.

I thought liquid courage would help. Half a pitcher of beer, 1/4 fried chicken, 1/2 valyummy, that should do the trick. Nope, no courage! Couldn't say anything not even thanks. What a coward am I? Anyhow, I figured that I could get a good nights sleep and say something in the morning. No sleep, not even with my little friend on board. By back aches and I'm not a morning person, not to mention, I don't drink the REAL coffee, decaf for me only and none in sight. I sniffed Shan's real coffee and sipped on my water. I went out for my bad habit only to realize that, nothing, not a damned word was said to me about our son. I was frustrated, ready to go home. I packed our bag, told Shan we need to go. We ensued small talk for a little while longer.

"Are you still doctering?" asked Bet. "If that's what you want to call it," I said. "I have one more test next month and then we'll see." That's all that was said, not a how are you or anything.

Am I mad? A little, we went through the worst life experience thus far and no one seems to understand up there what it is we've been through. We gave our hugs and kisses and I love you's and in the truck we went. I found out on our ride home that Dad didn't want to bring up the crib and had told Shan that sometimes, God does things for the best. Well, God sure fucked up this time, I told Shan. I know what Dad meant, he was trying to make the best out of our situation. It still doesn't help though. I can't fault him, he's had rough times too but he hasn't lost a child. Shan was his surprise, they weren't going to have anymore kids and then bam, here he is. Lucky them and lucky me that he was born, alive and healthy.

We made it home by 11:45 this morning, tired and crabby from the long ride, I'd like to take a nap but won't, afraid again of not sleeping tonight. Hugged the dogs, and cats and sat infront of the computer to type this out. I'm still thinking, should I have said something to them? Something to the effect of how much this all still hurts.

Friday, April 25, 2008

On the road again...

just can't wait to get on the road again. (Thanks Willie, for the words!) Truly I CAN wait to get on the road again! We're headed to Shan's home town in Southeast Iowa tomorrow. It'll be a short trip but long too! The drive is four and a half hours each way and we're coming home Sunday morning. It's truly a trip for Shan but he says he wants to spend quality time with me...I think that's more like quantity time but hey, it's time right? I'll stop complaining about that, at least I have time.

I hope everyone had a good week and that it was a bit softer (easier) for all of you. For me it's been strange, I've been checking in and not commenting much which truly makes me feel bad. I just needed sometime to see where I was. I'm still not sure where that is. It's four months and I am feeling, I don't know how I'm feeling. It's not as harsh as it has been in the past, which I guess is good. I smile more, even when I think of William. I can look at babies in the store without wanting to throw up. I still can't hold one though. That's alright, all in due time right?

We're mushroom hunting and trying to avoid ticks(as if!). Found a few and will start noshing on them tonight...can't wait! Yummy! I used to dislike mushrooms or so I thought until Shan and "Big Daddy" made (not really) me try them. Now, I can't get enough...I'll eat them until I'm sick, which happens every year and every year, I say I won't eat so many! This year I am sure will be no different.

Let's go back a bit, I'm not ready for this trip to Shan's home. We haven't seen his family since we lost William. I'm not sure I can emotionally hold up during our short stay. I am taking my valyummy with me and will surely drink Saturday night at the best damned Chicken joint ever (yes, fried chicken and yes, the BEST!). Which, I guess isn't a bad thing as long as Shan drives!
I'm hoping that I don't have to answer 100 questions but I am hoping to answer a few. I'm hoping that they don't act as though nothing has happened. I don't think I can handle that and now, I'm too verbal to try to handle it quietly. I guess someone needs to help their souls if they DON'T say anything!

For now, I will hope and pray (not that they are ever answered!) that all goes well. I will not have Internet service while I am there, so I will most definitely catch up with you all on Sunday.
Thank you all for all of your support throughout the past months I do truly appreciate it. Without you all, I'd still be in bed with the covers over my head!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The end of the road

Driving to work at 2:30am this morning, on an emergency call. Half asleep, driving to a hospital in town, trying to dial on my half dead cell phone, I hear tires squealing in front of me. I look up to see a VW Bug swerving to the right. I follow suit, luckily! I notice as I am less than 200 feet away a car in the middle of the road, rammed into the median on the highway, I notice less than a second after 2 teenagers running across the highway away from the car that is smashed. I miss the car and the kids, only to notice 6 other cars pulled aside, they must have seen the accident that had to of occured no more than 5 minutes prior to my passing through.

I keep driving, wondering if it was a dream. I reach for my phone to call the hospital to let them know that I am on my way, my hands are shaking. It must have been real, it's the only sign that I have any adrenaline in my body. It must not have been my time. Had I hit the car that was in the middle of the road, I not only would have totalled my car but driving 55 miles per hour I surely would have hurt myself, if not killed myself. Truth be known, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes, I did feel a force beyond my control pulling my car away from the wreckage, veering away from the kids in the middle of the highway. I cannot explain it but all I can say is that there was something beyond my control, keeping me from a horrific accident. Was it William? Was it my Guardian Angel? I have no clue, all I know is today as I tried to sleep the thought kept coming to my mind, it isn't my time, why? Why am I still here, what else do I have to accomplish here on earth? If I may be so bold, I believe that I have something great to accomplish here, whether it be having living children or something else, there is something to be done here.

My sister, the wonderful person she is leaves a message on my machine, "Hi, Amy it's me B, it's about 6:15. I'm just calling to let you know that I don't have to work at church on Mother's Day. I didn't know what your plans are but call me." Knowing my sister, she's thinking about me. I call her back and tell her, that honestly, I haven't thought about it, I'm trying not to. I may very well stay at home in bed and pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away. She said, yes that could be a very good option but if you want to I can find somewhere for the kids to go and you and I can just go walk in the park or something. I love my family, they think about me, they think in advance about how crappy, a Hallmark day is going to be for me. I love that I have such a good family and that my sister of all people, is going above and beyond to take care of me and my feelings, B, I love you and I thank you for being my sister. I may not have been able to choose you but I am grateful that you are my friend and my sister!

Last Round for music this week, found yet another one of my favorite songs that seems to fit the bill here in blogland. Pink Floyd - On the turning away:

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
Dont accept that whats happening
Is just a case of others suffering
Or youll find that youre joining in
The turning away

Its a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting its shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that were all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
Its not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

I am hoping that we don't keep getting the cold shoulder from friends and family and that there'll be no more turning away, from all of us.

I will more than likely be lurking this week, I'm worn out and crabby! Just know that I am thinking of you all and if I neglect to comment, it's not that I don't care, my words are failing me this week. Lack of sleep does that to you! Love you all!

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Aunt Becky got me thinking about music today. One of my all time favorite bands is Rush. One of their songs rings in my head, I hear it in my head, I read the lyrics again today and this is what it said.


If I could wave my magic wand...
I am made from the dust of the stars
And the oceans flow in my veins
Here I hide in the heart of the city
Like a stranger coming out of the rain

The evening plane rises up from the runway
Over constellations of light
I look down into a million houses
And wonder what you're doing tonight

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd make everything all right
I'm not one to believe in magic
But I sometimes have a second sight
I'm not one with a sense of proportion
When my heart still changes overnight

I had a dream of a winter garden
A midnight rendezvous
Silver, blue and frozen silence
What a fool I was for you

I had a dream of the open water
I was swimming away out to sea
So deep I could never touch bottom
What a fool I used to be

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd set everybody free
I'm not one to believe in magic
Though my memory has a second sight

I'm not one to go pointing my finger
When I radiate more heat than light
Don't ask me I'm just improvising
My illusion of careless flight

Can't you see My
temperature's rising
I radiate more heat than light
Don't ask me I'm
just sympathizing
My illusions a harmless flight

Can't you see My
temperature's rising
I radiate more heat than light

I wish I could wave my magic wand and set all of us free from this pain. Today for me it seems to be less harsh than it has been. Of course, it helps that the sun is shining and the temperature is warming up. I think of you all everyday, yes, I am the ooshy gooshy type, so don't gag on it! I hope this weekend you all have a decent one and that you can find a little bit of magic somewhere.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Fade to black

This is a story all about me, me, me!

I have been rethinking that first week, the cards, the calls, the flowers. I received a lot of nice condolences that first week and even the weeks to follow. The problem was, I didn't want condolences, I wanted congratulations. I wanted one person to say congratulations on being a parent. There was one person who said that in week 2, the visiting nurse. Wow, was she nice!

Then I have a friend who had asked my Dad if it would be alright to call me, sometimes hearing other peoples problems can take your mind off of things. WTF? I'm not too sure where she came from but when you lose a child there is nothing and I mean nothing that can take your mind off of your loss.

Hell, that first week, I was forced to eat by Shan and my Mom (she went to the store and spent WAY too much money on meals), I felt obligated to them. I spent most of my time in bed, taking a shower was work, it hurt, my breasts leaked and I would stand in the shower sobbing. Wondering why me, for fucks sake why me? My favorite curse word, FUCK, came back into play. I had tried so hard to give up my sailor like vocabulary for the sake of William and the fear that his first word would be fuck! It came back with a vengeance, to this day I do think that I use it more than before my world turned dark.

I have been reliving what my life was like prior to that week, I was happy go lucky, on the "down hill slope" of pregnancy and looking forward to being a Mom. Albeit a crazed Mom but a Mom none the less. I had not a care in the world, my relationship solid, finances under control, bills paid, etc.

Now, I still have nightmares about skipping a bill, my relationship although not strained has some tension (all I do is talk about what if, he still doesn't talk much, he doesn't know what to say), finances, well, I'm a firm believer in retail therapy and it's not the good kind either! I spend as though I have a money tree in my front and back yards! I'll get it together one day!

I'm not feeling dark and dreary today just really tired and I am wondering if it has to do with the depression side of things or if I am now just totally bored with my life so I don't care if I stay awake or not.

I crawl into bed grab William's bear and kiss his little forehead. I tell him I love him, put in my ear plugs (Shan's snoring and Sasha's snoring are all too loud for me) I roll over on my tummy, slowly let my lids shut and the room fades to black.

I did just this minus the earplugs this afternoon. The room faded to black, when I awoke, it was with a fear and wonder. The dream, it was a girl, she was in my arms, loving on me holding my cheeks and I have to wonder, was she mine? Am I ever going to see my little man in my dreams? Why a little girl? Who is she and what does she mean by being in my dreams?

I think for now, I should let it rest and just try to let the daylight, fade to black.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Welcome to my Merry Go Round!

My Merry Go Round just goes round and round!

I have a happy thing to share with you all, Aunt Becky (not William's biological Aunt Becky but William's and my friend, Aunt Becky) got William this lovely Peter Rabbit:

She also got me gifts, as if Peter wasn't enough. She sent me some Burt's Bee's (some of my absolute favorite stuff!) and the most adorable He.ll.o Pen in what else but William's color, purple. It's one of those cool ones with the 4 different colors in it. Great for work!


I attended my RE appt. today...I think I'm in love! He was the most considerate person. His first statement was, "you've had a very hard year!" I wanted to say, "no SHIT!" but I didn't because his smile and sincerity were just beaming! He came in sat down and said, these are the 2 things I think we need to do, he handed me a print-out on HSG to which I said, "that's what I want!" He replied with, "not a problem!" We then talked about a 2 hour Glucose Tolerance Test. Which is fine by me as I am in a higher risk category for diabetes anyhow! My paternal grandmother was diagnosed at 13 and my maternal grandmother has geriatric onset diabetes. Those combined with the fact that I am SHORT and FAT, put me in a higher risk. So, those are the two things that we will do, if they come back fine and dandy then, off the foam and "rubber duckies" we will go!

I do believe I forgot to mention above that my insurance being the P.O.C. (piece of crap) that it is will not pay for my HSG. Why you ask...I have a preexisting condition on my policy that does not allow for coverage of "female disorders." As if this is really a disorder but whatever! So to say the least, I get to come up with a bundle of dough by the beginning of next month! I still believe it will be worth it.


My lovely car, she sputtered when I drove her yesterday, that kind of lurch sputter that scares you. I honestly thought she'd blow up! I drove her anyway...then the engine light came on! I got her home, took Shan for a ride, "something electrical, anyhow, you need to take it in and have them hook it up to a computer to see what the problem is." So, to the shop we went today, I dropped off my car, picked up a rental. What a loverly rental too, I think it is what I will buy in the next month or so. A F.or.d, very nice with hands free phoning system. All of which I liked. My car was fixed early, still a p.o.c. but it'll work for now. $800 later and I'm still wondering how many car payments that would have been on my new!

Back to a happy place, or well happier than I have been in the past, yesterday was William's 4 month birthday, had he stayed with us. I spent the day with my Mother and then went to my Grandmother's house. Two women that I love more than anything and they both make me happy when I spend time with them. I do believe that I spent time with them so I wouldn't be alone dwelling on William's day. It worked. It's not as though I didn't speak of him, I did but it just didn't seem so difficult and sad. Maybe, just maybe the light is shining at the end of the tunnel. Of course, I am sure that it will be dark again soon but for now, I'll accept what happiness I can find.


Wishing you all peace and lots o' love this week! The Merry Go Round ain't so bad, at least you get to revisit the same spot, it just seems to hurt a little less every time around. (poor grammar, yes, get used to it and then just get over it!)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Over the moon?

Maybe, I guess a little bit! I went to the RE's office to turn in my paperwork this morning and they scheduled me on the spot for an appointment Monday! Yeah, me! Seems they will do the testing I want but wouldn't do anything to "enhance" a pregnancy until we get that damned piece of paper!

All in all it's a good thing and wow, I can get answers! I only want answers to see if I am as the chromosomal studies came back and said "normal!" What ever the hell normal really is! I've never felt normal.

So, questions to you all...what do I need to ask for? What tests should I have done and where should I go from here? All the help I can get would be greatly appreciated! I have a list of lab work, from one good friend now I need the rest of what should be done before we proceed to make a baby!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


This was in my local paper today. Jennifer, is a friend of mine from support group. Although, it's in the paper with last-nights BIG win for KU...I'm sure there will be plenty of readers and I want to share it with you all too!

Monday, April 7, 2008


I do believe we all have thoughts in our head that allow us to wish big. My big wish has always been to win the Powerball! I have always had ideas as to what I would do with this money. One of which has never changed, that would be to build my dream house. All of the other items almost always change save taking care of my family financially.

Since, William's death the thoughts run rampant, in the days after his delivery into this world, my only thought was, it wouldn't matter, money won't buy me the only think I truly want. Hell, I don't even have a child to spend it on!

Now, today my thoughts are different. If I won the big one my list goes something like this:

1. Start building my dream house (or, I should say OUR dream house so Shan won't get mad!)

2. Travel to meet all of the wonderful people in blogland

3. Purchase a trip for all bloglanders to go and relax together...on a beach, with drinks, and full service!

4. Put my money where my mouth is...Advocacy for parents in our shoes.

5. Stillbirth research and anything to do with any reason someone has lost a child!

6. The rest are truly personal (not ooo, yuck personal but personal none the less!)

So, what would you do if you won the big one? Where would you go? Who would you take care of? Give me something to laugh at! I kind of need it today!

ETA: My biggest wish truly would be that my son were here with me today and that all of your children were too. I guess, as politely as I can, I'm saying I wish I never met you. I hope that doesn't sound rude, I do believe you know what I mean. See, I need a laugh...I just don't have one inside of me.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Achey Breaky Heart

This is a very short post in regards to Postsecret today.

The lady with the stillborn son, it breaks my heart to see others in our sinking ship. My heart aches for her and all of us in this "club" that we don't want to be in.

My only consolation some days is all of you, for that I am thankful. I think some times, I wouldn't have met any of you had my son not died. Therefore, I'm not happy that I met you but glad that I found you. There are other days that I believe, I would have met you somehow even if my son had lived. I'm a believer in the universe (as sick as it may be) it has it's ways of putting us together as friends. I just wish it didn't seem that this (stillbirth/losing a child) was the reason we are all together now.

Wishing you all peace in your journey ahead, and hoping I find some peace too.

Friday, April 4, 2008

A letter to my Angel

Friday April 4, 2008

My Dearest William,

I was outside this morning talking to you my sweet William. I told you that as much as I miss you I know you are safe. The wind blew and touched my face; I knew then that you heard me. I told you that you would be in everything I do, always, the wind blew harder as if to smack my face (I was having a cigarette) I told you that not in that (my smoking) I told you in what I did for others and myself would reflect you. The birds started singing. I giggled because the traffic was loud yet, I could hear the birds, and I knew you were here with me today. I looked to the sky and just as miraculously as you (a hawk) appeared, I watched you soar and looked again and you disappeared into the clouds as I thanked you for stopping by today.
I love you little man! I thank you for arriving when I need you and wiping away my tears. I thank you for being my first-born, my son, and the love in my life. I know that as much as I miss you, I need to focus on what I have in my life, your Daddy, your Grandpa Wayne, Grammi, Pappa, Grandpa, Angie, Aunt Becky and the kids, and all of our wonderful friends. You will always be in my heart, no matter where I go. My love, I cannot express how much I miss you but I know that you know!

More than the moon, the stars and the sun, I love you!

P.S. I promise to quit smoking! I do, I just need to be a stronger person than what I am now. It is something I will work on for all of us. Just remember, I didn’t smoke when you were with me, I started again, because, I was stressed, now I really have no excuse, I’m just weak!

(To readers: Please don't nag me because of my bad habit, I know it's bad! I will quit, in my time. I don't need nagging from those I don't live with! Thank you for your support!)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Million Dollar Baby

That isn't even here. Little did I know when all of this came to pass, I'd be spending a small fortune.

I have paid the hospital and the O.B.'s office not nearly what I thought it would be. Color me happy for that! I have seen a Perinatologist who in turn told me nothing else needs to be done for a subsequent pregnancy, I really didn't give him too much moolaa either. But now, the RE's here in town will not work with un-married couples! Well, bite me! Not only will the 3 most highly recommended ones in town not help me because we are not married but hell, they wouldn't even just run tests. I don't need help, that I know of to get pregnant, I need help sustaining a pregnancy. So that I might have a living child. I want answers dammit!

I put a call into a highly recommended RE in Chicago, an eight hour drive or one hour flight from home. Come to find out that my insurance is out of network. Yeah, come the big bucks! I'm lucky I have a free ticket to fly but a rental car, hotel, and all expenses for the testing and of course my crap eating habits while I am there! I do believe I'm looking at a large chunk of change. My little guy isn't even here and yet, because he's not I'm spending money hand over fist to make sure I am a physically sound Mom. Isn't that just plain sad?!

I know the more tests that I have run, I still may not get any answers but maybe a peace of mind. I'm not even sure if that is what I am looking for. I don't know WTF, I am looking for anymore.

I feel like a Mom who's child has been kidnapped (no, I don't want an argument here, I just want to vent!) I can't find him anywhere. I've searched the house, the yard outside, the mall, the grocery store, but he's not here...where do I look from here? I feel short of calling the police to ask "would you put out an Aler.t?" Of course, we all know that won't do me any good.

So I guess, I'm searching not for my son but for me, for the answers I need to know that I am, well, I guess, all right(body wise/uterus, etc). All right to move forward with trying to have another child that will survive, will make it to this earth breathing. Do I sound crazy? Probably but at this point, I don't think I care. I will do what it takes to make sure I have a great chance at bringing home a living baby and not ashes or despair.